Telling prospective flat mate/s;

S.I.R

Boston wrote: »

So I'm in the process of looking for a flat share, and the thorny question of how / when to tell the prospective flat mate/s that I'm not straight is very present in my mind. So far my approach has been to say it at the viewing, if and only if I was really interested in the room. The logic being that if its going to be a problem, best not to waste each others time .

That said its been a bit of a pain in the ass telling random strangers and It may be seen as way too forward and putting off people who otherwise wouldn't have a problem. I'm tempted to start putting it in my initial response to adds that that way it won't be a worry, but I'm dubious about doing that.

Any advice or view points would be welcome.

just say the following

"im not straight, don't like it ? don't bunk with me... if you don't mind it, Welcome to your new home. "

imho: sexual prefferance doesn't effect me.

Boston

I'm looking for a flat, not the other way around.

Boston

Boston wrote: »

Theres probably lots of things you wouldn't do with your partner which someone else would have no problem doing with theirs.

That's all well and good, but doesn't mean they can do it at the kitchen table.

Weidii

Boston, to be honest, if it's the only way that you can be sure that you're getting a "gay friendly" house I'd just tell 'em straight up.

I moved into my most recent house without thinking (it was a convenience thing) and ended up living with a bunch of racist, homophobic a**holes.

From now on I'm definately gunna make sure that my housemates aren't homophobic, because I'd hate to feel like I couldn't have my gay friends over to my own house without hassle.

shewasoctober

Boston wrote: »

Thats some seriously good advice, thank you, I'll give it a try.

Always glad to help. Good luck! Cheers!

The_Minister

anotherlostie wrote: »

I agree 100%! I always wonder how homophobes end up posting on gay forums. If your attitude towards gay people is that neanderthal, why would you read this stuff?

I'm straight, but I stick my nose in every now and again.

It's sometimes vaugely interesting, and I learn things about Ireland that I otherwise wouldn't know. Also, its interesting to compare the "normal" gay people here with the "activists" in college.

I read the Ladies Lounge even though I'm not a woman, I glance in to the emergency services every now and again even though I am not a Garda.

It's just a slight interest.

Boston

Its interesting that you read "homophobe" as being the same as "straight".

The_Minister

Boston wrote: »

Its interesting that you read "homophobe" as being the same as "straight".

No I didn't. I was giving a reason that someone not directly affected by the content of the forum might still read and comment on the threads here.

Boston

That wasn't his comment. He never made a statement anything like that.

LegacyUser

hey, im sorta in the same situation as regards to accomodation. Ive been livin with 5 mates for the last 2 years in the same house at college. im not a very gay acting guy though, i watch football, drink beer, go to pubs with my mates and never once call anything fabulous or devine :P which kinda makes me feel sometimes like im being dis-honest to my mates i live with, but then i think that, hey, if they did have a problem with it then they'd be a b@stard anyway. i guess its kinda complicated because only one of my friends knows im gay. i told him after livin with him for a month when we were on a long car trip and it was the most insanely awkward and uncomfortable hour and weeks afterward even though he was 100% completly cool about it (he's since quit college). now im back to the same place with my 4 mates plus 1 more in september, should i feel obligated to tell em or not? its funny, 1 of em acts gay even though hes straight (a lot of my mates at home do it too) and he kinda plays with another mate in the house who in turn cringed and goes "oh no get away!", which could be complicaed even though im pretty sure hes not homophoic, just he doesnt like guys touching him.

Boston

The problem with not telling friends is that when they do find out, they can sometimes resent you for not trusting them enough to tell them up front.

LegacyUser

yeah but thats what annoys me, im good friends with the guys i live with and if i told them about me i could for-see 3 possibilities

1. They'd be angry i didnt trust them enough.
2. They'd be angry for being a decietful "fag" and i should burn in hell.
3. They'd be cool with it.
4. It would get kinda awkward in the house and every time i bumped into em in the kitchen or what ever they would think oh thats right hes gay, what should i do...

Boston

See the trust thing is a weird one. Personally it wasn't ever about trust, I just had the attitude of "fuk it they didn't have to come out as straight to me, so why should I have to come out to them", but thats kinda naive, friends do have feelings. By telling them yourself instead of them finding out, you no longer run the risk of hurting those feelings.

If you're seriously worried about them being angry, well its probably a good idea to find this out about friends sooner rather then later, but thats my opinion.

They accept it, great, don't under estimate how much of a benefit this can be. It can be surprising how many of your fears are only in your head and having a friend say "I care, but not in a bad way, about it" is really a great feeling.

As for awkwardness. Nearly all my friends are straight, and I've shared a bed with most of them at one time or another after coming out. Hell, even showered naked together in the gym never a problem. Awkwardness is definitely something you can control. If you're stand offish with your friends they'll start to think theres a reason, that you're attracted to him or something. If on the other hand you make it out to be no big deal, they won't either.

I had a list like your myself when I first started coming out. The one thing that wasn't on the list which was absolutely trust is this; When you start telling people, it all becomes very very real. When only one or two people know, you still have this sense of being in control, but the more people you tell the less control you have over it, and then that its.

Another fear was that my friends would start seeing me as my sexuality rather then who I actually was, and believe me there are loads of people that suddenly want to be your "friend" when they find out your not straight.

tin_can_ted

Boston wrote: »

....loads of people that suddenly want to be your "friend" when they find out your not straight.

How do you mean?

Boston wrote:

As for awkwardness. Nearly all my friends are straight, and I've shared a bed with most of them at one time or another after coming out. Hell, even showered naked together in the gym never a problem. Awkwardness is definitely something you can control. If you're stand offish with your friends they'll start to think theres a reason, that you're attracted to him or something. If on the other hand you make it out to be no big deal, they won't either.

I have to agree here. Luckily there has been no awkwardness with anyone I've told so far. 2 just gave me a hug straight away when I told them and like, there is no weird vibes or anything between anyone.


Yeah, I'm moving in with 4 of my friends next year. 3 of them are completely cool with my sexuality and the other one doesn't know. I'm a bit scared to tell him and I've actually discussed it with the other guys that maybe they could drop some hints here or there or maybe just tell him outright. I'm too scared to, to be honest, as I don't know him all that well and I don't know how he'll take it.

If he does take it bad, I still have my 3 other friends still in the house so it's not all bad.

Boston

tin_can_ted wrote: »

How do you mean?

1) Being "Alternative" at a certain age is extremely trendy. Some people will latch onto it because they think it marks them as more "Enlightened" or "Freer" or "superior" to have friends who are Gay/ Bi/ Trans/ Black/ Foreign/Not the norm ect. They're collectors, I've encounters them in the past and not just in relation to sexuality.

2) And before I start this is not a dig at women; I've found theres usually a certain distance between a man and a woman when she thinks of him as straight which just evaporates as soon as he comes out. Like suddenly a switch goes on saying "Its ok for me to be friends with you now, we can go bra shopping together like on the TV". I remember one girl was down right hostile to a friend of mine and then suddenly became all rosie when he came out. He recognised it for what it was.

So yes, some people will suddenly want to be your friend just because of your sexuality. I've personally no interest in being "The Bisexual friend" or anything like it.

I have to agree here. Luckily there has been no awkwardness with anyone I've told so far. 2 just gave me a hug straight away when I told them and like, there is no weird vibes or anything between anyone.


Yeah, I'm moving in with 4 of my friends next year. 3 of them are completely cool with my sexuality and the other one doesn't know. I'm a bit scared to tell him and I've actually discussed it with the other guys that maybe they could drop some hints here or there or maybe just tell him outright. I'm too scared to, to be honest, as I don't know him all that well and I don't know how he'll take it.

If he does take it bad, I still have my 3 other friends still in the house so it's not all bad.

Not that I can talk about coming out to friends ( did it twice and then let the boyfriend at the time handle the rest ) but if you're worried about telling someone, its probably a good sign you should tell them, at least to remove the worry.

tin_can_ted

Boston wrote: »

1) Being "Alternative" at a certain age is extremely trendy. Some people will latch onto it because they think it marks them as more "Enlightened" or "Freer" or "superior" to have friends who are Gay/ Bi/ Trans/ Black/ Foreign/Not the norm ect. They're collectors, I've encounters them in the past and not just in relation to sexuality.

2) And before I start this is not a dig at women; I've found theres usually a certain distance between a man and a woman when she thinks of him as straight which just evaporates as soon as he comes out. Like suddenly a switch goes on saying "Its ok for me to be friends with you now, we can go bra shopping together like on the TV". I remember one girl was down right hostile to a friend of mine and then suddenly became all rosie when he came out. He recognised it for what it was.

So yes, some people will suddenly want to be your friend just because of your sexuality.

Really?! I haven't experienced that yet and I never really realised that it existed. I'll keep my eyes wide open for that in the future.

Bubs101

I think you should just get it out in the open as soon as possible. The people in this thread who have been saying "why should you have to tell him" have over looked the fact that virtually all of us straight men are disgusted by the thought of two guys going at it. It's not homophobic, it's a "not in my backyard" attitude. it's fine as long as I don't have to see it or try and go to sleep while hearing satisfied grunts from the room across the hall

anotherlostie

Bubs101 wrote: »

I think you should just get it out in the open as soon as possible. The people in this thread who have been saying "why should you have to tell him" have over looked the fact that virtually all of us straight men are disgusted by the thought of two guys going at it. It's not homophobic, it's a "not in my backyard" attitude. it's fine as long as I don't have to see it or try and go to sleep while hearing satisfied grunts from the room across the hall

If that's your attitude (and you're entitled to have it), what on earth possesses you to read threads on the Lesbian & Gay & Bisexual Forum? I have no interest in Gambling, one of the fora you moderate, and would never dream of reading posts in there. So why come here? I'm really confused!

azezil

anotherlostie wrote: »

If that's your attitude (and you're entitled to have it), what on earth possesses you to read threads on the Lesbian & Gay & Bisexual Forum? I have no interest in Gambling, one of the fora you moderate, and would never dream of reading posts in there. So why come here? I'm really confused!

As you said yourself, he's entitled to his opinion and his point of view is just as valid as anyone elses, he's offering the perspective of someone who would prefer to know, thus is a valid response.

Boston

Actually he's presenting opinion "virtually all of us straight men..." as 'fact', so its perfectly fine to call him on that. He's entitled to feel whatever wants. No one should be forced to be more accepting then they want to be.

I don't even mind him posting here as its a reminder (as if it was needed) that these people haven't gone away and I'm not being overly paranoid by having concerns.

Goodshape

Bubs101 wrote: »

disgusted by the thought of two guys going at it. It's not homophobic, it's a "not in my backyard" attitude.

And I just plain don't like black people in my house. It's not racist.. I've nothing against black people.. just so long as they're not coming into my house then everything's fine.


in other words... how the **** is your "not in my back yard" attitude anything other than homophobic?

pho·bi·a (fō'bē-ə) pronunciation
n.

1. A persistent, abnormal, and irrational fear of a specific thing or situation that compels one to avoid it, despite the awareness and reassurance that it is not dangerous.
2. A strong fear, dislike, or aversion

Bubs101

There's no need to get so defensive. I presume Boston wants a straight guys opinion, particularly as that's where the problem lies. As for whether what I said was homophobic, fair enough, if you want to take it that way, no offense was meant but it's a view that's commonly shared. If you brought this up in AH you'd get alot of serious similar responses.

As for why I replied, it was linked from the "how many boardsies have you done" thread and I thought a different perspective was needed

Goodshape

Bubs101 wrote: »

There's no need to get so defensive. I presume Boston wants a straight guys opinion, particularly as that's where the problem lies.

Didn't mean to suggest your opinion or input wasn't wanted here, just didn't want you deluding yourself by continuing to think it's "not homophobic".

Rev Hellfire

Goodshape wrote: »

And I just plain don't like black people in my house. It's not racist.. I've nothing against black people.. just so long as they're not coming into my house then everything's fine.


in other words... how the **** is your "not in my back yard" attitude anything other than homophobic?

I don't like mayonnaise or the smell of pop-corn, if the effect of this dislike is limited to my own home its no-ones business but my own. If someone is put off by the thoughts of homosexual practises then they are well within their rights to limit such activities within their own home in my view.

I think Boston's concern is a valid one, he obviously feels this may be an issue further down the road with certain people. Better to get it out now than have a situation where the other occupants attempt to coerce him into leaving the accommodation latter on.

Because if we're honest people will attempt to remove people for the most trivial of matters when it comes to having to live with them for extended periods, the rights or the wrongs of this are immaterial imho.

Goodshape

Being repulsed at the thought of 'homosexual practises' possibly going on somewhere close by is fairly text-book homophobia as far as I'm concerned. And the whole "I'm not homophobic, but..." line of thinking has always annoyed me. As if there's nothing at all wrong with showing repulsion towards another persons displays of love and affection. You're not going to catch the gay if you happen to see two men kissing.

Bubs101

Goodshape wrote: »

Being repulsed at the thought of 'homosexual practises' possibly going on somewhere close by is fairly text-book homophobia as far as I'm concerned. And the whole "I'm not homophobic, but..." line of thinking has always annoyed me. As if there's nothing at all wrong with showing repulsion towards another persons displays of love and affection. You're not going to catch the gay if you happen to see two men kissing.

Fair enough, if that's what you class as homophobic than I am, I couldn't care less. But to ignore the fact that alot of guys feel the same way is probably a mistake if you're in Boston's position and if he gets it out in the open immediately, the potential for any other problems is a lot smaller

Rev Hellfire

Goodshape wrote: »

Being repulsed at the thought of 'homosexual practises' possibly going on somewhere close by is fairly text-book homophobia as far as I'm concerned. And the whole "I'm not homophobic, but..." line of thinking has always annoyed me. As if there's nothing at all wrong with showing repulsion towards another persons displays of love and affection. You're not going to catch the gay if you happen to see two men kissing.

Surely its not an issue unless they seek to impose their views on others outside of their own home. Its just a simple dislike, I'm sure there are things you also dislike for no logical reason. The fact you will seek to not have them in your home doesn't make you 'anti' them, you simply are not favourably disposed to them. I don't recall him implying any further sanctions should be taken against gays beyond such activities not occurring in his home.

This tarring of people who simply dislike the idea of homosexual activities as 'homophobic' smacks of bullying to me.

Goodshape

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

The fact you will seek to not have them in your home doesn't make you 'anti' them, you simply are not favourably disposed to them.

A phobia is an irrational fear of something - getting out the pitchfork and heading up a lynching mob is not a prerequisite.

Anyways, apologies for dragging things off topic slightly . Didn't mean to do that. Looks like "not homophobic, but..." type people might be worth watching out for.

Boston

Bubs101 wrote: »

There's no need to get so defensive. I presume Boston wants a straight guys opinion, particularly as that's where the problem lies. As for whether what I said was homophobic, fair enough, if you want to take it that way, no offense was meant but it's a view that's commonly shared. If you brought this up in AH you'd get alot of serious similar responses.

As for why I replied, it was linked from the "how many boardsies have you done" thread and I thought a different perspective was needed

Yes it is a commonly held view among a certain section of socially defective mal-norms. I've 'no problem' with people who post on After Hours, but I wouldn't want to live with one, so I guess its fair that they wouldn't want to live with me.

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

I don't like mayonnaise or the smell of pop-corn, if the effect of this dislike is limited to my own home its no-ones business but my own. If someone is put off by the thoughts of homosexual practises then they are well within their rights to limit such activities within their own home in my view.

Only in situations where everyone is free to move out. I don't agree with the person who has the biggest problems dictating what people can and can't do when its there home as well. Big different between someones family home say, and just some place they sleep in.

I think you're smart enough Rev to realise that people are seldom able to limit their opinions to within their own home. They'll be a lot more willing to overly assert those opinions in the home, but they don't disappear the minute they walk out the door. We're not talking about a casual dis-like for something, the poster mentioned being disgusted. Thats an extremely strong emotional response which in all likelihood is rooted in homophobia. I can dislike something for no reason what so ever but to be disgusted by it requires some thought process. Maybe I'm expecting too much from people, maybe things aren't as complex for bubs and he can hate and be disgusted for no reason, but I doubt it.

Either way, we can split hairs over what is and isn't homophobia forever, its a side point. People do have the right to feel and think what they want, be it irrationally hatred towards another man or blissful love towards him, without someone forcing them to change. I'm thankful for that, since Bubs right to be disgusted in peace is the same one thats means I can like cock in peace.

shewasoctober

Bubs101 wrote: »

Fair enough, if that's what you class as homophobic than I am, I couldn't care less. But to ignore the fact that alot of guys feel the same way is probably a mistake if you're in Boston's position and if he gets it out in the open immediately, the potential for any other problems is a lot smaller

What really gets me is that those guys who find homosexual acts between two men repulsive tend to have the opposite reaction when it is two women. This is one of those double standards that goes the opposite way. There is no difference between a homosexual acts between two men or two women.