Telling prospective flat mate/s;

ixoy

shewasoctober wrote: »

What really gets me is that those guys who find homosexual acts between two men repulsive tend to have the opposite reaction when it is two women. This is one of those double standards that goes the opposite way. There is no difference between a homosexual acts between two men or two women.

Well to be fair, I would have thought it would be obvious why those men would find the idea of two naked women interacting better than two naked men.

From talking to my own friends, none of them have a problem with it but none of them want to particularly dwell on the idea either. The degree of comfort varies and some of the posters here are clearly more uncomfortable with it than others. Yes it's possibly homophobia but it's mild enough assuming they (genuinely) don't treat gay people different in their day-to-day lives whether they be friends or people they meet.

david_the_great

swiss wrote: »

I don't see that you should announce it either, I didn't to any of my prospective housemates when I was looking for a gaff in Dublin last year. Though interestingly enough when one prospective landlord asked me "Anything else I should know about you?" with a slightly awkward questioning air I just let him know that I was gay (though in that instance I think he was sussing out whether I used drugs or something - like I was going to announce it if I did).

If they bring up something like an understanding about bringing girls back, or something with relevance like that, then you might mention that you're gay. Otherwise I wouldn't bother.

i tend to find when i meet ppl- i kinow this is a differnt situation, but they take to me and then they are like well i never liked gays till i met you etc so it shouldn't be a problem- i do agree with the as long as they aren't doing it in the shower, but that goes for everyone anyway. and then the thing if the landlord asks, personally i would say because you dont want it to be awkward or anything like that

Boston

The thing about landlords is that they tend to not care. You'd be surprised how money can sway someones opinion on what is acceptable.

shay_562

Boston wrote: »

I don't even mind him posting here as its a reminder (as if it was needed) that these people haven't gone away and I'm not being overly paranoid by having concerns.

And I think that's your answer right there. It's not like your prospective flatmates are going to casually announce as they're showing you the room "Oh, by the by, I'm actually pretty homophobic and find the whole thing at best distasteful and at worst downright disgusting", especially since (as you said yourself) it's not like anyone could tell from talking to you that you're Less Than Straight. But the fact is that there are people who will have that reaction (see, for example, this thread), and it's better that they have it before you've signed a lease and moved in. It doesn't have to be a huge thing; I'm not advocating wearing a neon pink "I'm Bisexual, As Me How!" badge to any flats you're looking at, but it couldn't hurt to ask them in casual conversation "Look, I've met people in the past who have a serious problem with this, so is it going to be an issue if I bring guys back here?". Yeah, some of them will avoid giving you the flat on the basis of that. If they do, it might not have been the most fun to live with them in the first place.

Should you have to tell them? Nope. Is it unfair that you even need to worry about this? Good god yes. But as you've said yourself in the past, life =/= fair, and imo you'll save yourself an awful lot of hassle in the long-run by getting it out of the way early.

Good luck with the flat hunt!

Boston

I've started to take the approach of just including it in the initial reply to adds. I think people won't take that as being too forward since you're not getting into a conversation about it. There are more places available then I have time to look at so if someone just says "sorry room not available" thats fine as its saves me wasting my time.

tin_can_ted

shay_562 wrote: »

"I'm Bisexual, Ask Me How!"

Laaaawl! :P

shay_562 wrote: »

"Look, I've met people in the past who have a serious problem with this, so is it going to be an issue if I bring guys back here?".

This is pretty good advice if you decide not to include it in the initial reply. I dunno, I think that if you include it in the initial reply, it could be a bit scary for the landlord.

See, from what I gather, you are a bi guy who is very straight acting apart from the your sexuality. Now, when guys just randomly announce that they are gay it tends to give the impression that they are the "I'M HERE AND I'M QUEER, GET USED TO IT!" kinda types, which is a bit intimidating.

Blah! Take what I say with a pince of salt. I talk a lot of sh!te sometimes.... :P

azezil

tin_can_ted wrote: »

Now, when guys just randomly announce that they are gay it tends to give the impression that they are the "I'M HERE AND I'M QUEER, GET USED TO IT!" kinda types, which is a bit intimidating.

That's the kinda impression I get as well. Since I'm not that 'loud', I don't feel the need to announce it. And for people who are that loud, I would imagine most people could tell right off the bat :pac:

biko

Put a smallish "gay and proud" poster up somewhere where they'll see it.
If they ask just say "Yeah, I'm gay. Hope that's not a problem for you?"

Aurora Borealis

Think I'd broach it in a more conversational way i.e. what pubs/clubs do you go to? So as not to make a big issue of it but still let it be known.

Boston

tin_can_ted wrote: »

Laaaawl! :P



This is pretty good advice if you decide not to include it in the initial reply. I dunno, I think that if you include it in the initial reply, it could be a bit scary for the landlord.

See, from what I gather, you are a bi guy who is very straight acting apart from the your sexuality. Now, when guys just randomly announce that they are gay it tends to give the impression that they are the "I'M HERE AND I'M QUEER, GET USED TO IT!" kinda types, which is a bit intimidating.

Blah! Take what I say with a pince of salt. I talk a lot of sh!te sometimes.... :P

I just say "I'm 23 years old, Irish, male, Bisexual, non-smoker, postgraduate engineer studying in trinity." I think that's fair enough given they ask you to say a little about yourself.

Biko: I'm looking for a place, not the other way around. And also I wouldn't do something something like that anymore then I would put up a poster saying Irish and proud or Dubliner and proud or Trinner and proud ect ect.

biko

Boston wrote: »

Biko: I'm looking for a place, not the other way around. And also I wouldn't do something something like that anymore then I would put up a poster saying Irish and proud or Dubliner and proud or Trinner and proud ect ect.

Oh sorry. Well, if you're in a relationship you could ask if it's ok for your bf to stay over occasionally? Even if you're not you can still ask, as a subtle hint.

Aurora Borealis

Boston wrote: »

I haven't been in a gay bar in maybe 3 years. I drink where I can get a decent pint.

Fair enough, my point was you could broach the topic in that way if you wanted. If not maybe it is best to say it outright or as suggested previously in the light of someone staying over.

Happy flat hunting.

Boston

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

Fair enough, my point was you could broach the topic in that way if you wanted. If not maybe it is best to say it outright or as suggested previously in the light of someone staying over.

Happy flat hunting.

True, there are ways to drop it in when chatting about social life or relationships but when viewing a rooms conversation is allot tighter.

Stark

Off-topic replies moved to new thread (http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055353305)

The topic of this thread is about broaching the subject of bisexuality to potential flatmates, not ignorant generalisations.

shay_562

Boston wrote:

True, there are ways to drop it in when chatting about social life or relationships but when viewing a rooms conversation is allot tighter.

"My, what a comfortable looking and spacious bed! I certainly look forward to having sex with both men and women on it. Possibly at the same time!"

Sorted.

gibson

I was in the exact same situation last year and some people said but sure
it doesnt matter its not their business which is true but I completely agree
with your view that if it caused any problems it's better to get it out of the
way at the start.

What I did was I went to see the apartment, loved it and when they text me to say would you like the room a few texts later i just basically said i love the place blah blah but just wanted to let you know in case it causes any problems etc.... that way you dont need to tell a whole lod of random strangers at each viewing....just the few you might be living with!

Pub07

Goodshape wrote: »

Didn't mean to suggest your opinion or input wasn't wanted here, just didn't want you deluding yourself by continuing to think it's "not homophobic".

He isn't deluding himself and his comment - 'the fact that virtually all of us straight men are disgusted by the thought of two guys going at it' - isn't homophobic taken on it's own. I dont know any straight guy who wouldn't be repulsed at the thought of 'two guys going at it'. The point to note is that we are repulsed at the thoughts of the act, not the people involved in it.

Being repulsed at the thought of 'homosexual practises' possibly going on somewhere close by is fairly text-book homophobia as far as I'm concerned. And the whole "I'm not homophobic, but..." line of thinking has always annoyed me. As if there's nothing at all wrong with showing repulsion towards another persons displays of love and affection.

I would also be repulsed at the thought of two overweight and/or ugly women having sex, does that make me heterophobic? And in this case there would be a (very) miniscule bit of sexual attraction involved as they are women after all, so for bubs to say we find 'the thought of two guys going at it' is repulsive is a totally reasonable statement in my book. Has nothing to do with being anti-gay, it's just not something that holds any appeal for a heterosexual male, in fact it's a major turn off, we can't help it that's just the way we feel.

Another analogy - I would be repulsed by the thoughts of two old people having sex, as would everyone else I imagine, that's why we generally don't go around thinking about it and the market for granny porn is almost non-existant. It doesn't mean I'm anti-old people it's just I naturally am turned off by the thoughts of them having sex.

Maybe think in future before getting all defensive over nothing and throwing around unwarranted 'you're homophobic' comments.

Boston

Pub07 wrote: »

He isn't deluding himself and his comment - 'the fact that virtually all of us straight men are disgusted by the thought of two guys going at it' - isn't homophobic taken on it's own. I dont know any straight guy who wouldn't be repulsed at the thought of 'two guys going at it'. The point to note is that we are repulsed at the thoughts of the act, not the people involved in it.

As yes, the age old "I don't mind gay people once they keep it in the bedroom" attitude. Believe it or not its not new and most of us have encountered it. It's a typical Irish attitude to a lot of things. "I don't mind something happening, once I can pretend its not happening". Live in the dark if you want

I would also be repulsed at the thought of two overweight and/or ugly women having sex, does that make me heterophobic? And in this case there would be a (very) miniscule bit of sexual attraction involved as they are women after all, so for bubs to say we find 'the thought of two guys going at it' is repulsive is a totally reasonable statement in my book. Has nothing to do with being anti-gay, it's just not something that holds any appeal for a heterosexual male, in fact it's a major turn off, we can't help it that's just the way we feel.

Uncomfortable is different to repulsed. Two people of any disposition having sex in front of me would make me uncomfortable. Repulsion requires an emotional response. Just because something doesn't turn you on, doesn't mean you should be repulsed / disgusted by it.

Maybe think in future before getting all defensive over nothing and throwing around unwarranted 'you're homophobic' comments.

Maybe you should question the basis for your feelings some more. Most straight men don't feel the way you do. You are not normal.

shay_562

Pub07 wrote:

...his comment - 'the fact that virtually all of us straight men are disgusted by the thought of two guys going at it' - isn't homophobic taken on it's own. I dont know any straight guy who wouldn't be repulsed at the thought of 'two guys going at it'. The point to note is that we are repulsed at the thoughts of the act, not the people involved in it.

I reckon the issue is less a sentiment of "I don't find it a turn-on at all" and more using a loaded word like "repulsive". There's a big, big difference between "I wouldn't find it attractive" and "it would disgust me to think about it", and while I can see where you're coming from with the 'old people' analogy*, you have to bear in mind that while most people wouldn't want to see wrinkly sex, they wouldn't notice or care if two old people kissed or held hands in public, whereas a lot of people do still care about two men doing that. While I don't agree with accusing people of homophobia at the drop of a hat, the tone of Bub's post (iirc - I can't seem to find it now, was it deleted?) leant towards the latter, or could at the very minimum be seen as leaning towards the latter, and that's why people got defensive pretty quickly.


*Though I'd disagree with its suitability; old people are, by and large, less attractive from an objective standpoint. If two objectively attractive women were 'going at it' right in front of me I wouldn't find it a turn-on, but I wouldn't be repulsed, and I could probably appreciate that it was objectively pretty damn hot. So I find it difficult to understand why, exactly, so many straight men have such a problem with two guys, irrespective of objective attractiveness, having sex. It seems like it says a lot more about them and how secure they are with themselves than anything else.

Stark

I've already moved all posts on this topic to a new thread. Can people drop it and get back on the original topic please?

swiss

Interestingly enough, I might be looking for another place soon and will be facing this little dilemma myself.

Of course, I could just respond to the daft ads that specify gay or gay friendly, but I'm a little dubious about some places that specify "looking for GAY guy 20 - 35" and the like. Especially from owner occupiers. Feels more like a personals ad.

Boston

Yep, especially the ones up on gumtree. One add I read included the phrase "I'm so horny all the time". You seem to pay a premium for the ones that are listed as "gay friendly" and I really can't be arsed paying over the odds for a place when I genuinely believe the vast majority will be grand.

Had an odd experience theres the other day when viewing a room. One of the lads clearly had something he wanted to bring up, I suspected it was that he was a smoker. After a while he drops that he's gay into the conversation, to which I replied I was bi.