Quickies 2

rocky25

Born to be wild…turn up your sound.

http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-walt-babyboomers-blurb,0,1036393.blurb
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Grandma.

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid.

All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed; Grandma didn't know her occupation.

Grandma stopped to say hi and asked what the line was for.

Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.

He said, 'How the heck do you do this at your age?'

She said, 'I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry!'

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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Now just because I'm retired doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely,

that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

'Helllooooo! !' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up...he hasn't called back,

probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again.

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,

her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair,

and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate.

She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!'

A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.

This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

'Dammit Skippy,

get away from her, before she ****s on you!'

Steve_o

Brilliant!!:D