Jokes Only Understood In Scotland

rocky25 · 06-08-2008 11:15am #1

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken'
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?
'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter'
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
'Aye yer right!' replies the bloke

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

'What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe..

'What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at
the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't
get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies
'Aye, same as masel...

BrokenArrows · 06-08-2008 11:23am

i got some of them. not a clue what the others were.:eek:

Vic Vinegar · 06-08-2008 3:35pm

BrokenArrows wrote: »

i got some of them. not a clue what the others were.:eek:

Same as!

A for effort though rocky!

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 06-08-2008 3:36pm

Or any joke told by a scottish person tbh

oobydooby · 06-08-2008 3:54pm

Still trying to figure out a few of them

:D

Glaswegian goes into a confectionary shop in Carlow whose staff understand Scottish. Pointing at an item he asks 'Is that a macaroon or a meringue?' To which the reply 'No you're right it's a macaroon'.

boneless · 06-08-2008 4:23pm

Guy walks into a butchers in Perth. "Is that your Ayershire bacon?" he asks.
"Nae mon, I heiv a haggis in the pot!" says the butcher.

rocky25 · 06-08-2008 4:40pm

oobydooby wrote: »

Still trying to figure out a few of them:D

Glaswegian goes into a confectionary shop in Carlow whose staff understand Scottish. Pointing at an item he asks 'Is that a macaroon or a meringue?' To which the reply 'No you're right it's a macaroon'.

boneless wrote: »

Guy walks into a butchers in Perth. "Is that your Ayershire bacon?" he asks.
"Nae mon, I heiv a haggis in the pot!" says the butcher.

Both brilliant