After trying for 15 years...

Oink

...I finally managed to write a complete song !!!! Of course I started writing it 3 years ago, but whatever...
When I started it, my plan was: it has to be a happy song - hip and funky. None of the usual broken-heart/life-sucks crap. I tried for 3 years to push the song away from that. I have to report total failure in that respect. The song just wouldn't go any other way...

Objective criticism requested please!

Temporary name for this second draft (came to me in a vision...) : Afternoon Delight

============
I like music in the street – how it sets my mind free,
stills my heart, numbs my senses.
What I would give for a major 7th,
for a hard hit to (help) forget it all for a while,

just to hear a song and sing along,
smile, throw a coin and then move along/on
then maybe walk down to the river.

But the river hasn’t much to show me today for my money, and it’s no use hangingaround.
It nearly burst its banks one morning –
I sometimes wonder what that feels like…
It seems that you… just had to know

I’ll always wonder if what you saw
was beautiful, as I pray it was.

It feels like a stone tied to my neck,
a gun pointed to my head -
I’ll always wonder if you found
the words to your inner song.

There’ll always be a stone tied to my neck,
a gun pointed at my head
until the day I hold your hand.
Li’l brother, it will all be fine
Isn’t this a fine morning.

Oink

And by the way, thanks to Humberklog for the Airing Room sessions, which helped me find inspiration. And to JackDev for the encouragement!

Jackovarian

pretty good! hard to judge without music or the beat. as it doesn't really make sense beat wise. especially the first line.

very good lyrical choices. i especially like how you kept away from ryhmes. I hate when people try to stupidly rhyme everything, and the song loses integrity.

anyways, this is obviously about suicide? seems so anyways.

you should be proud of your work. well done.

JLemmon

Hi
Good effort.
Don't call it afternoon delight, if you don't know already check out Starland Vocal band and a song of the same name, it means something quite different then your lyrics.:D
Interesting choice of direction, i.e. without rhymes, I personnally find it hard to fit that to music as it can be like a ball of mercury and hard to trap into a progression but no rules so lets press on, this works for Thom Yorke don't see why it shouldn't for you.
"What I would give for a major 7th," I assume you will underpin this with an maj7th chord? like leonard cohens "forth fifth minor fall major lift" in hallelujah, i feel that a nice touch, it shows that it was crafted as well as possibily leading you in other directions for your melody, nice.
It's good to see you try and move away from verse chorus verse and into other areas of writing to get your feelings over, Like the last poster I'd like to hear teh music now and see how it hangs together.
Nice try, keep it up.

Oink

Thanks Jackovarian !
Yeah, I had to let go of the meter altogether, as I'm way too rusty with the aul' iambic pentanosphygmomanometer. I try to compensate by stressing syllables properly when I sing, and by keeping some sort of verse structure. Also, I am torn between 4/4 and 6/8...
(The song is meant for DADGAD tuning).

As for the rhymes, it was not so much an artistic choice as a necessity, if I ever wanted to finish the dang thing. Some polishing required though.

greatgoal

Oink wrote: »

...I finally managed to write a complete song !!!! Of course I started writing it 3 years ago, but whatever...
When I started it, my plan was: it has to be a happy song - hip and funky. None of the usual broken-heart/life-sucks crap. I tried for 3 years to push the song away from that. I have to report total failure in that respect. The song just wouldn't go any other way...

Objective criticism requested please!

Temporary name for this second draft (came to me in a vision...) : Afternoon Delight

============
I like music in the street – how it sets my mind free,
stills my heart, numbs my senses.
What I would give for a major 7th,
for a hard hit to (help) forget it all for a while,

just to hear a song and sing along,
smile, throw a coin and then move along/on
then maybe walk down to the river.

But the river hasn’t much to show me today for my money, and it’s no use hangingaround.
It nearly burst its banks one morning –
I sometimes wonder what that feels like…
It seems that you… just had to know

I’ll always wonder if what you saw
was beautiful, as I pray it was.

It feels like a stone tied to my neck,
a gun pointed to my head -
I’ll always wonder if you found
the words to your inner song.

There’ll always be a stone tied to my neck,
a gun pointed at my head
until the day I hold your hand.
Li’l brother, it will all be fine
Isn’t this a fine morning.

did you,by any chance,have any input to"my lovely horse"?

johnnysmack

nice song man. any music to it at all? would like to hear it even if it was just wit an acoustic guitar on its own.

Oink

From JLemmon:

Don't call it afternoon delight, if you don't know already check out Starland Vocal band and a song of the same name, it means something quite different then your lyrics.

Something tells me I don't want to google that at work....

"What I would give for a major 7th," I assume you will underpin this with an maj7th chord?

I could go two ways: people are going to be looking for a major 7th when I say that, but they won't be getting it - just like me in the song => makes sense
OR, I play the major 7th as I mention it, a la Cohen, thus illustrating my point. Might be more elegant, but less original...
The jury's out.


Thanks to both of you for your input, it helps a lot!

Oink

johnnysmack wrote: »

nice song man. any music to it at all? would like to hear it even if it was just wit an acoustic guitar on its own.

Thanks man! Well, I didn't expect the feedback to be so encouraging, so tbh the idea of recording never even crossed my mind.

At this stage I will work on a few awkward lines, improve the melody, then I shall inflict my newly-found genius upon this undeserving world. Humberklog has some recording gear, might be able to help.

Huzzah!

Oink

greatgoal wrote: »

did you,by any chance,have any input to"my lovely horse"?

I did not, I repeat, did not, put anything into that horse.

---

dammit, yiz are posting too fast, or I'm typing too slowly.

dream brother

Hey man
It would be nice to hear the song with music to get a better view of it!! I probably would got with the major 7th chord though, it will add color

For some reason the song reminds me of Sir Duke by Stevie Wonder

JLemmon

Yeah the maj7th thing is difficult,
if you do it it's expected if you don't then you may have to make it more obivious why you didn't because it might look less crafted.
But to non theory people i.e. the population at large they won't care either way, just really if they like the song or not. Just pick an option and be committed to it.

humberklog

Oink wrote: »

Humberklog has some recording gear, might be able to help.

Huzzah!

Mi casa su casa. Antime. I'd find it helpful too as |I ain't that clever with the gear. But it works.
Well done Oink on finishing lyrics and posting. Balls of steel! I like this tune a lot and I like the way you've avoided typical lay-out and forced rhymed lyrics.
Good work.

Oink

Thanks H. I'll probably see you next week at some point.
---
Walking to work the other day with the sheet of paper in my pocket, I thought: If I get run over as I'm walking on the quays and end up in the Liffey, and the paramedics find that in my pocket, there'll be no questions and no long explanations - straight to Ballinasloe, with cell checks every15min...