50 Things We Want To Happen This Season...But Won`t

monkey9

From Scholesy putting the boot in to Barwick swigging from his jug, here are the fifty things F365 want to see happen this season...but know deep down that there's absolutely no chance of...




Paul Scholes to learn to tackle. Hell, he's only a 30-something professional footballer, so it's not too late.
Richard Scudamore to fail his own 'fit and proper person' test.
Louis Saha's latest sicknote to specifically cite the prospect of playing alongside El-Hadji Diouf as a contributing factor in his ailment.

Luis Felipe Scolari to drop Ashley Cole and explain to questioning reporters: "Well, he's a c***, isn't he?"
Roman Abramovich to finally speak in public...but only to agree with Scolari about Cole.
Martin O'Neill and his lawyers to stop reading Football365.
Bernard Mendy to admit he only joined Hull because he'd heard, "zat all the women do the jiggy-jig wiz you for a blue WKD."

Roy Hodgson to declare his intention to sign Wobert Wosawio.
Kevin Keegan to insist that - following the arrival of Fabricio Coloccini - all his players adopt the bubble perm of Keggy's youth.

Cristiano Ronaldo to report back to Manchester United with the word 'Slave' permanently tattooed on his face, Prince style.

Sir Alex Ferguson to donate his collection of wine to Football365 as a Christmas treat.
Stoke to go one step further than Rory Delap and simply employ a gibbon to throw balls into the box at the heads of the players in red and white.

A Premier League footballer to have sex with only one woman at any one time. Without any of his friends in attendance with mobile phones.

An end to the 'Joe Cole's done very well not to go down there...' trend of congratulating players for not cheating.
David Moyes to get so short of numbers that he ropes in celebrity Toffees John Parrott and Claire Sweeney. Andy van der Meyde, of course, remains on the bench.

The Independent's Jason Burt to stop reporting that Oba Martins is on the verge of joining Arsenal.
Harry Redknapp to admit that, actually, as the manager of a top-eight side he is in an enviable position personnel-wise and he has a more-than-adequate selection of players available, thanks.

A Liverpool player other than either Jamie Carragher or Steven Gerrard to be interviewed immediately after a game.
Fabio Capello to hold an Ultimate Fighting Championship-style cage fight to decide his England captain.
Felipe Scolari to admit that he's only keeping SWP on Chelsea's books because he can get into all those tight places that are difficult to clean.

Paul Ince to instruct his Blackburn players to do star jumps/squat thrusts army-style if they make a mistake. During a game.

The prices of tickets for Premier League matches to fall at the same rate as the housing market.
Sam Allardyce to finally find time to respond to the allegations against him in the BBC's Panorama programme.
Liverpool fans to have a sense of perspective to match their reputed sense of humour.
Garth Crooks to utter a short sentence that ends in a question mark.
Wayne Rooney to light up a cigarette in a dull moment during an 8-0 humiliation of Stoke.
Robbie Keane to revive the glorified roly-poly. We kind of miss it.
Neither Stoke, Hull nor West Brom to be described as 'plucky' just because they manage to hold a member of the Big Four to a 1-0 defeat with the imaginative arrangement of ten defenders.

Michael Owen, Ledley King and Robin van Persie to donate their legs to medical research. After all, they don't use them.

Alan Shearer to say something insightful, thought-provoking, unique, controversial, original or memorable.
An electric shock to be automatically administered to the private parts of any pundit who says the words, "he'll be disappointed with that."

Brian Barwick to appear in the box at Wembley glugging from a jug of goose fat.
The next winners of the Championship to refuse a place in the Premier League on the grounds that it's just too embarrassing.

A quality player at a non-big four club to say, "Actually, I'd like to stay here and help us try to achieve something long-term."

Gary Lineker to be replaced as MOTD presenter by his buxom lover Danielle Lux.
A day to go by without Football365 receiving a single phone call from Julian/Justin/Jo in PR who've, "got a quirky football story that might be just up your street."

Mike Ashley to prove he's a proper Newcastle fan by watching a match bare-chested. In January.
Gary Megson to admit that he only meant to bid £1m for Johan Elmander but there was a smudge on the fax paper that looked like a zero. Being English, he thought it rude to renege on his offer.

Wayne Bridge to turn down his next England call-up on the grounds that when he made the decision to sign a new Chelsea contract, he retired from competitive football.

Antony Kastrinakis to give himself another promotion to become Bestest World Football Correspondent Of The Sun.
Ronaldo to wear those little silver hotpants we saw him sporting this summer during a cold Tuesday night game in Hull.
Tottenham Hotspur to successfully defend a set piece.
Rangers and Celtic to publicly admit, "Of course we're never going to join the English league. We win titles with players like Lee Naylor up here."

Harry Redknapp to answer the phone to a journo and respond to his question by saying, "I'm not discussing a player under contract with another club. Certainly not over and over again. Every day."

Wayne Rooney to score a few goals for England. No, not run around and put loads of effort in. Score goals.
Steve McClaren to get leave FC Twente, move to another country and pick up yet another hilarious accent.
Arsenal's medical department to get a player back to fitness in less than three months.
Roy Keane to make a Sunderland player play in his pants because he forgot his kit.
Joey Barton to pick on the wrong man. Specifically a very big man.
His agent Willie McKay to be out on the town with him that night.

gixerfixer

Wayne Rooney to go a whole 90 minutes witout telling the Ref or linesman to **** off.

Liverpool to win the league.

That is all.

Karmafaerie

monkey9 wrote: »

Martin O'Neill and his lawyers to stop reading Football365.




Liverpool fans to have a sense of perspective to match their reputed sense of humour.

Both so true!

Nalz

gixerfixer wrote: »

Wayne Rooney to go a whole 90 minutes witout telling the Ref or linesman to **** off.

lol like Stevie G and others dont!!! ffs

ibh

Trilla wrote: »

lol like Stevie G and others dont!!! ffs

Man Utd are better than Liverpool / Liverpool are better than Man Utd thread is that way ---->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Nalz

ibh wrote: »

Man Utd are better than Liverpool / Liverpool are better than Man Utd thread is that way ---->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ok thanks

grames_bond

opposition players to NOT try kick the shit out of carlos tevez/christiano ronaldo!

gary neville and stevie gerard fight in the centre circle!!

Karmafaerie

grames_bond wrote: »

gary neville and stevie gerard fight in the centre circle!!

Forget that, get Skrtel and Vidic in there!

Now that'd be a fight I'd pay good money to see!!!

Lurch vs the Metallic Serbian Rapist!!!!!

SantryRed

Vidic any day.

Xavi6

Danny Mills to be released from City. We all want it, just make it happen! Please!

Tom65

Xavi6 wrote: »

Danny Mills to be released from City. We all want it, just make it happen! Please!

I think Danny Mills may actually have squatter's rights with City now.

genericgoon

Roy Keane to get so pished off at Sunderland's performance he subs himself on.

For Roy Curtis to actually write a balanced article in the Sunday World.

For the BBC/ITV/Sky commentators to admit England are sh*t during an England international.

Nalz

Karmafaerie wrote: »

Metallic Serbian Rapist!!!!!

?? wtf

The Volt

Everton to actually sign somebody

inforfun

Trilla wrote: »

?? wtf

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055356065

Otherwise you would never understand.

Karmafaerie

SantryRed wrote: »

Vidic any day.

I'd take that bet!

AFC_1903

For the Pro-Old Firm bias shown by the referees, the SFA, and the Scottish Media to stop. All clubs, players and incidents should be treated the same, on their individual merits.
It's not going to happen though.:mad:

This season obvious penalties/fouls shall be ignored and non-existent ones given in the favour of the Old Firm. If anyone speaks out and says what everyone knows to be true they shall be punished (See Craig Levein's treatment last season for an obvious example) by the SFA or abused by the mainly-Glasgow based press.

If it only happened once or twice a season you wouldn't mind so much, but highly dubious refereeing decicions happen in almost every match - even though **** ****** has retired. Already both OF teams have either been given a penalty that never was or had their opposition denied a blatent penalty, and between them the've only played 3 games thus far.


So, same as usual then.

Frisbee

Vidic would kill him.
That guy would put his head where you wouldnt put a crowbar...