The only thing you need to know about UL is...

Peteee

Our resident Journo and all round funny man, cson has written this up for An Focal.

Read young ones, and become knowledgeable...

The Only Thing You Need To Know About UL Is…You got the points. You got the offer. You got a lift down with Mammy & Daddy. You’re there and you just don’t know what to do with yourself. Well fear not, for this guide shall provide all the answers to questions you thought never existed. Like how to get the fig out of fig rolls. Mainly it’ll just be a guide of not doing what I did last year.

Most firsties seem to think that once they hit college that everything will be rosy in the garden and there’s nothing to it at all. They’re wrong, very wrong. You can learn all the notes you want in leaving cert but they won’t equip you with the necessaryand vital college skills. Skills such as the ability to source the cheapest alcohol purveyors within the shortest walking distance, or shortcuts to lecture halls that will enable you to have a longer lie in, or most importantly; how to get 3 days out of that spaghetti you cooked last Monday. The leaving cert just doesn’t equip you with those skills.

Drink
A lot of people have the common misconception that college is all about the beer. This is obviously wrong; it’s all about the cheapest beer.
• All I can say is, while you might scorn Bavaria Crown Lager right now, come November don’t be surprised to see yourself tenderly clutching the last two cans of your 6 for €7 thanking the almighty for this wonderful concoction.
• Another thing to watch out for is the various bank holiday weekend offers from the Dunne’s and Tesco’s of this world. I like to call this method the Michael O’Leary, hedging your alcohol for the coming months. Be careful that you drink all your 24 for €20 Millers before the best before date, because trust me on this one; unlike wine, beer doesn’t get better with age.

Food
Get ready to put on the fresher’s stone. Without Mammy’s home cooking you’re gonna have to fend for yourself from now on. This means your going to be eating an awful lot of food that’d be classed in the “faeces” bracket of the food pyramid.

• If you by some freak accident don’t happen to like spaghetti bolognaise, start getting a taste for it fairly lively. It will be the basis of your diet for the next four years and it isn’t uncommon for some students to indulge it 3 times a day, breakfast – lunch – dinner. Simplicity is the key; ½ lb mince and ½ lb of pasta and a small tub of bolognaise and we have lift off.
• Shopping is another sadly necessary expense. But the trick to keeping this expense as low as possible is home. Rob every cupboard, press, fridge, freezer the whole lot. Rob it all. Show no mercy as you scrounge that tub of spam from the back of the press. If you do need to shop Aldi and Lidl are the default venues. Tesco Value and St Bernard stuff is alright too, although I’d choose the Pedigree Chum (80% Meat Content) over the St Bernard Shepards Pie (60% Meat Content). In any case, there’s little difference between them.
• But if you’re lazy like me, the Sports Bar, The Plaza Café (Library) and the Paddocks do decent feeds for around €6ish. Then again an SU roll has proved itself as equal an adversary to hunger as Shreddies. But remember, the 10 minutes either side of the hour will see the place mad busy due to lectures starting and finishing.

Computery
Those of you in the Neolithic age for computer proficiency had better learn ho to use them. And fast. You’re going to have to work a lot with those computers in the coming months.
• If you have your laptop setup to use the UL network and then you decide to go home for a weekend and use your home broadband connection you will need to change the settings in IE/Firefox/Opera (or whatever you use) to not use the network any more. It's just the reverse of the steps you use to configure a network.
• Register your modules and e-mail fast. If you don’t do this within the first week expect to see a not too insignificant €10 disappear from your moneybag. To put it in context; that’s roughly 9 cans of Bavaria. Simple way to avoid this is to go to the library, get a PC, type in your ID no. and D.O.B. as your password and Bob’s your Aunty. Failing that, there’s an orange “How to Set-Up My UL Computer Account for Dummies” doing the rounds on one of the shelves in the library.
• Any questions on computer stuff, go to www.boards.ie, go to education, go to UL and the nerds in there will be more than happy to sort it out whilst perving on you. And yes that includes the fella’s.

Edu-macation
Believe it or not, you actually have to learn some stuff while you’re here. Now lets take a moment to say a decade of the rosary for those poor souls doing teaching and science degrees. You will no doubt hear of their misery of 78 hour weeks. They’re only sorry they didn’t do a humanities degree!
• Tip number one: While the 12th November may seem like ages away for the hand-in date for your project, you will inevitably find yourself on the 11th November with nothing done for it. Just get the thing out of the way straight away, its more fun to watch someone else slaving away into the wee hours of the morning at a project.
• I’m tentative to say the lectures aren’t that important given the fact my name will be on this and I will probably become “known” to my lecturers in the same way some people are “known” to the Gardai. How and ever, what are important are the tutorials. Definitely go to these as you’ll find they stand to you in the exams.
• Books. Do not buy them without consulting someone who’s a year ahead of you in the course. They’ll tell you whether you really need them or not. Case in point is the Irish Legal System book on my shelf that, while it looks nice up there gathering dust, I’d much rather have that €80. If you must buy the books the Students Union will have them cheaper than normal. Don’t bother with the Library, the nerds will have all the books gone there before the lecturer has finished telling you what book he actually wants you to get.


Going Out
Why would anyone want to go out and dance to something sounding like a cat in a washing machine, surrounded by loads of sweaty drunk people, eat a burger with more grease in it than a car engine afterwards and wake up the next morning with a head on you like the aforementioned cat in a washing machine? Because t’is great craic shure! But really, yes it is.
• As mentioned already in this guide the objective is always to minimise ancillary expenses so as to maximise drinking money. One of the ways to do this is to take the Booze Bus. The Booze bus (i.e. the late Bus Eireann bus) departs around 11ish into town and only costs €1.45. Contrast this with the normal taxi fare of around €13 into town (€4 each for 3 in other words) and one has already saved half a vodka.
• Furthermore, the bulk of the drinking should be done at home before you go out. If time is tight, multitask. There’s nothing like having a bottle of miller in the shower. A cautionary tip though; there’s a very fine line between being merry enough to get into clubs and pubs and being sent on your not-so-merry way home. Somewhere between merry and drunk should be good. I like to call it “Munk”
• Another way to save dollars is to get into the clubs before 11.30. It’s free in before this time except on Thursdays for some strange reason. Don’t they realise I have a 9am lecture on Friday mornings and couldn’t possibly go out?
• The generally good clubs in town are Sin Bin, Icon, Molly’s and my personal favourite Trinity Rooms, affectionately known as “Trooms”. Then of course there’s the beloved Lodge in Castletroy, with it’s ahem unique charms. As for all you non-mainstream weirdo’s, don’t go looking for the weird clubs, they will find you.
• A general rule of thumb is that anyone that you regret pulling or scoring the next morning will most definitely be sitting beside you at your next tutorial or lecture. And the two of you will be the only ones there. But as a good friend of mine said “it’s only awkward if you let it be awkward”.

Sporty?
Given the fact the University tarts itself as “Irelands Sporting Campus” there is a world of sporty things to do here. Everything and anyone is catered for. Now, I think its time I stopped sounding like a prospectus.

• It won’t take you long to figure out where the Arena is since it basically towers over everything else in UL. The membership is very good value, but only if you use it! And remember the pool is deep, veeeeeerrrrry deep. So if you’re a poor swimmer, get better!
• Clubs & Socs evening is a must. Aside from sports, there are lots of other hobbies catered for. It’s a great way to make friends, but be very selective of the ones you join and again, make sure you use them! The UL Debating society got good value out of my fiver seeing as I never went.
• For all the rugby fans: Munster train on the pitch inside the running track with is beside the Arena.

Living
The likelihood is you’re going to be living with a group of people you’ve never met in your life before. This is supposedly part of the college experience. Personally, I just think its like big brother, except there’s no diary room to bitch about the rest of them in.
• Clean up your plates/pots/pans after you use them. It’s so much easier than having to do it the next morning on a hangover. Make this a house policy.
• Essential kitchen apparatus should include a George Foreman and a sandwich toaster. Microwaves are a luxury.
• Take the bins out when they get full. The smell will get absolutely dire in the house otherwise. Dire to the point where you will become immune to it, as evidenced by the visit of two friends of mine to the house last year whereupon they started bitching about the smell, to which I replied honestly “What smell?”
• Get back to the house early Sunday evening. Mainly so you can fill the fridge with your stuff before everyone else. If necessary “make room” for your things. If anyone asks where their waffles went, a good response is “what waffles?”

Missy Laneyus
There is definitely maybe a whole heap of things I’ve left out of this guide and in fact your chances of survival have probably diminished more by reading this. You can send any complaints to the editor.
• The buses. Ever hear that thing about two buses coming at the one time? Well Limerick proved that theory for me. The city buses are supposed to come every 15 mins. Needless to say they only come every hour and one follows the other almost as if they’re connected. Do not depend on them.
• The Students Union common room has the most comfortable couches in the whole country.
• TK Maxx do good deals on the Ski clothes around Sept-Oct. If this summer hasn’t shown you the great character that is Irish weather, god help you come December.

Right, I can’t think of anything else, so our mass has ended, let us go in peace to love and serve the lord.