My 1000th Post

smurph

kakak1 wrote: »

SO YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING!



* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

eh c*u*n*t does..... oh yeah

kakak1 wrote: »

SO YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING!



* Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.

lol - yep tried that

tylerdurden94

smurph wrote: »

eh c*u*n*t does..... oh yeah

Excellent!

strewelpeter

Two dyslexics sitting in their flat, one asks "Can you smell gas?"
"Smell gas!" the other replies, "I can't even smell my own fcukin name"

Theresalwaysone

Month is not equal to Munt.

kakak1

Theresalwaysone wrote: »

Month is not equal to Munt.

don't you start acting the munt now

Shivverz

What do you call a fly without wings?










































A walk.

mocata

A Kerry couple get married, and the hotel burns down after the dinner speech! Distraught, the couple roam the country looking for alternative accommodation. They land up at a small hotel in Tralee, and pitch their tale of woe to the receptionist. "Your in luck!!!" says the receptionist," All our suites are free tonight, would you like the bridal?!" The groom replies, " I think i will just hold her by the ears til she gets the hang of it"

YULETIRED

We only know everything by asking questions?...these may seems anti Kerry but I am bitter and twisted about last weeks slagging...

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than7 times. -> why not, do you get tired or something? I can do it 50 times but I got bored.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. -> what about falling asleep in front of the Television

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache. -> What about Louis the 14th.....oh yeah he had one sorry.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. What did they do with those Olives?

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.-> especially in Kerry when the wakes can go on for months.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. so would fkin you if you OWNED a cigarette factory..


Marilyn Monroe had six toes. -> you mean 12 don't you

Walt Disney was afraid of mice. -> and he was fkin goofy
Pearls melt in vinegar. -> I bet whoever found that out was majorly pissed off.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. -> especially in Kerry when they forget to remove the ad from the paper 2 years later.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.-> that becuase you are sober the next morning and usually running down the stairs ahead of her, don't drink in tralee..

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
and Goerge Bush contians ALL of the letters of -> Fkin stupid Idiot.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. -> and white men.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. -> for some like online grinders, it just seems that long.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.........-> would you blame us, one blink and they have yer credit cards.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. .,.............> Unless you slowroll me .
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. ...... -> they should really have looked that up. *

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." What about May and Okay ? June and Soon? Rubbish I say.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Well it will get yer mouth to open."

Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. followed quickly by fk yerself.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Yep, invented in Kerry for lighting up matches.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. EACH? I believe it.

sickpuppy

A black man was found dead today in Alabamba
he had been stabbed, poisoned, shot, decapitated, hung ,
and tied to a burning cross
In an interview with the media the local sheriff said it was the worse case of suicide hed ever seen.

tylerdurden94

From our very own nutpeddler Thomas Kitt one of my favourite songs

Die Trying

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_fR-90XbbA

tylerdurden94

sickpuppy wrote: »

A black man was found dead today in Alabamba
he had been stabbed, poisoned, shot, decapitated, hung ,
and tied to a burning cross
In an interview with the media the local sheriff said it was the worse case of suicide hed ever seen.

That made me laugh out loud

sickpuppy

im a closet racist and homophobe aushclanders auss

derealbadger

> >

---

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY...> >> >> >> >Dear Diary:> >> >For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the> dear) purchased a week> >of personal training at the local health club for> me. Although I am> >still in great shape since playing on my school> football team 25 yrs> >ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead> and give it a try. I> >called the club and made my reservation with a> personal trainer named> >Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old> aerobics instructor and> >model for athletic clothing and swimwear.> >> >My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get> started! The club> >encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.> >> >SUNDAY:> >> >Started my day at 6:00am.> >> >Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it> when I arrived at the> >health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was> something of a> >Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and> a dazzling white> >smile.> >> >Woo Hoo!!!!!> >> >She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.> She was alarmed> >that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to> standing next to her> >in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching> the skillful way in> >which she conducted her aerobics class after my> workout today.> >> >Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my> sit-ups, although> >my gut was already aching from holding it in the> whole time she was> >around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!> >> >> >MONDAY:> >> >I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made> it out the door.> >Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy> iron bar into the air,> >and then she put weights on it! My legs were a> little wobbly on the> >treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's> rewarding smile made it> >all worthwhile.> >> >I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.> >> >> >TUESDAY:> >> >The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on> the toothbrush on the> >counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.> I believe I have a> >hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as> I didn't try to> >steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club> parking lot.> >Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my> screams bothered the> >other club members.> >> >Her voice is a little too perky for early in the> morning and when she> >scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY> annoying. My chest> >hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me> on the stair> >monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine> to simulate an> >activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda> told me it would help> >me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other> **** too.> >> >> >WEDNESDAY:> >> >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like> teeth exposed as her> >thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.> I couldn't help> >being a half an hour late; it took me that long to> tie my shoes. Belinda> >took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not> looking, I ran and> >hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me,> then, as punishment,> >put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.> >> >> >THURSDAY:> >> >I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being> has ever hated any> >other human being in the history of the world.> Stupid, skinny, anaemic> >little cheer leading bitch. If there were a part of> my body I could move> >without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.> Belinda wanted me to> >work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And> if you don't want> >dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%# barbells> or anything that> >weighs more than a sandwich.> >> >The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health> and nutrition> >teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,> like the drama coach> >or the choir director?> >> >> >FRIDAY:> >> >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in> her grating, shrilly> >voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just> hearing her made me> >want to smash the machine with my planner. However,> I lacked the> >strength to even use the TV remote and ended up> catching eleven straight> >hours of the Weather Channel.> >> >> >SATURDAY:> >> >I'm having the church van pick me up for services> today so I can go> >and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also> pray that next year,> >my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that> is fun -- like a> >root canal or a vasectomy.>

tylerdurden94

sickpuppy wrote: »

im a closet racist and homophobe aushclanders auss

Whats that saying if it aint white it aint right! (joke joke)

davidgti

congrats on your 1000 post tylerdurden94 wish you all the best for the next 100k

tylerdurden94

davidgti wrote: »

congrats on your 1000 post tylerdurden94 wish you all the best for the next 100k

Thanks man, just seen your pretty close to yours aswell.

POKERBOY

what did the spastic say to his dog....


''down syndrom''

dK1NG

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.







ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



____________________________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?



WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?



WITNESS: Yes.



ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?



WITNESS: I forget.



ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?



WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'



ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?



WITNESS: My name is Susan!



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?



WITNESS: We both do.



ATTORNEY: Voodoo?



WITNESS: We do.



ATTORNEY: You do?



WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?



WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?



WITNESS: Uh........ he's twenty.



________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?



WITNESS: Are you s _ _ _ _ _ _ g me?



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?



WITNESS: Yes.



ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?



WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?



WITNESS: Yes.



ATTORNEY: How many were boys?



WITNESS: None.



ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?



WITNESS: Are you s _ _ _ _ _ _g me? Your Honor, I think I need a

different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?



WITNESS: By death.



ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?



WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?



WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.



ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?



WITNESS: Guess.



_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?



WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people ?



WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like

to rephrase that?



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?



WITNESS: Oral.



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?



WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.



ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?



WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him!



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?



____________________ __________________



And the best for last:



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?



WITNESS: No.



ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?



WITNESS: No.



ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?



WITNESS: No.



ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?



WITNESS: No.



ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?



WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.



ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?



WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and

practicing law

Lao Lao

roryc wrote: »

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

Because she lost her arms in a car accident.

Why did the girl not get back on the swing?


















Because she lost her legs in the same car accident

RichieLawlor

The picture is sun page 3 girl im fairly sure

Keeley


May not be appropraite imo but here goes

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

POKERBOY

its def not keeley. not only does she not look like her but you can easily compare the boobies and they are nothing alike

Goodluck2me

how did the electrician lose all power in his house? He got married

What the most important trait of a comedian timing?

8/10 cats have been bribed by Whiskas.

3 paddys are sitting at a bar and they get a pint each. 3 flies fly into their respective pints.
Paddy Englishman goes to the bar and says "excuse me sir, there appears to be a fly in my pint, be so kind as to change it please".
Paddy Irishman catches the fly and throws it out, then continues drinking.
Paddy Scotsman catches the fly, squeezes it and shouts " spit it out you b@stard!!"

menoscemo

Great Football Quotes

The Players


'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
- Ian Rush

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.' - Barry Venison -

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka -

We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George Ndah had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore

'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
- David Beckham

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
- Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.' - Richard Rufus

'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
- Gary Lineker

'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones



The Managers

'When a player gets to 30, so does his body.' - Glen Hoddle

'I was a young lad when I was growing up.' - David O'Leary

'Home advantage gives you an advantage.' - Bobby Robson

'It's the only way we can lose, irrespective of the result.'
- Graham Taylor

'We must have had 99% of the game. It was the other three per cent that cost us the match.' - Ruud Gullit

'The philosophy of a lot of European teams, even in home matches, is not to give a goal away.' - Alex Ferguson

'In a year's time, he's a year older.' - Bobby Robson

'The first 90 minutes are the most important.' - Bobby Robson

'Shearer could be at 100% fitness, but not peak fitness.'
- Graham Taylor

'As I've said before and I've said it in the past...' - Kenny Dalglish

'He was a player that hasn't had to use his legs even when he was nineteen years of age because his first two yards were in his head.'
- Glenn Hoddle

'I've seen them on television on a Sunday morning most days of the week.' - Jack Charlton

'People always remember the second half.' - Graham Taylor

'If they hadn't scored, we would've won.' - Howard Wilkinson

'Paolo Di Canio is capable of scoring the goal he scored.'
- Bryan Robson

'It was a game we should have won. We lost it because we thought we were going to win it. But then again, I thought that there was no way we were going to get a result there.' - Jack Charlton

'We keep kicking ourselves in the foot.' - Ray Wilkins

'I have a number of alternatives, and each one gives me something different.' - Glenn Hoddle

'Of the nine red cards this season we probably deserved half of them.'
- Arsene Wenger

'It wasn't going to be our day on the night.' - Bryan Robson

'Very few of us have any idea whatsoever of what life is like living in a goldfish bowl,except, of course, for those of us who are goldfish.'
- Graham Taylor

'If you can't stand the heat in the dressing room, get out of the kitchen.'
- Terry Venables



The Announcers

'He's 31 this year: last year he was 30.' - David Coleman

'The ageless Dennis Wise, now in his thirties.' - Martin Tyler

'The Italians are hoping for an Italian victory.' David Coleman

'Peru score their third, and It's 3-1 to Scotland.' David Coleman

'If that had gone in, it would have been a goal.' - David Coleman

'Ian Rush is deadly 10 times out of 10, but that wasn't one of them.' - Peter Jones

'Neil Sullivan has stopped absolutely everything have thrown at him...Wimbledon 1, Manchester United 1.' - Mike Ingham

'This will be their 19th consecutive game without a win unless they can get an equaliser.' - Alan Green

'Martin O'Neill, standing, hands on hips, stroking his chin.'
- Mike Ingham

'Such a positive move by Uruguay - bringing 2 players off and putting 2 players on.' - John Helm

'It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the scoreline on Saturday.'
- Radio 5 live

'The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee.' - Mike Ingham

'Poland nil, England nil, though England are now looking the better value for their nil.' - Barry Davies

'West Germany's Briegel hasn't been able to get past anyone yet - that's his trademark.' - John Helm

'You don't score 64 goals in 86 games without being able to score goals.' - Alan Green

'It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.' - Derek Rae

'Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve.'
- John Greig

'And with just 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0.' - Ian Darke

'The USA are a goal down, and if they don't get a goal they'll lose.'
- John Helm

'I predicted in August that Celtic would reach the final. On the eve of that final I stand by that prediction.' - Archie MacPherson

'McCarthy shakes his head in agreement with the referee.' - Martin Tyler

'It was the game that put the Everton ship back on the road.'
- Alan Green

'Lukic saved with his foot, which is all part of the goalkeeper's arm.'
- Barry Davies

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.' - David Acfield

'Sporting Lisbon in their green and white hoops, looking like a team of zebras.' - Peter Jones

'Forest have now lost six matches without winning.' - David Coleman

30something

What's the best thing about "being with" twenty seven year olds?

There's 20 of them

tylerdurden94

RichieLawlor wrote: »

The picture is sun page 3 girl im fairly sure

Keeley


May not be appropraite imo but here goes

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape

Yes more Keeley please

30something wrote: »

What's the best thing about "being with" twenty seven year olds?

There's 20 of them

Sick but rather funny!

hotspur

I love this joke, never fails to get a laugh imo -

A man who is a real golf lover is out playing golf with his wife one day and he slices on the 9th hole. The ball ends up being behind a barn.
"Jesus", he says to his wife "how am I gonna get this around the barn?".
His wife replies "Hey why don't you try opening the barn door at the front and at the back and shoot through it."
"Okay" says the guy.

So he opens the 2 barn doors and takes his shot. The ball ricochets off the barn comes straight back at them and hits his wife squarely between the eyes killing her dead.

The man is disconsolate and for months and months cannot bring himself to go out and play golf.

Eventually a friend persuades him to play a round. All is going well until the 9th hole and 'swoosh' he slices the ball to behind the barn again. While thinking about what to do his friend says:
"Hey why don't you try opening the barn door at the front and at the back and shoot through it."
"Oh God no", replies the man shaking his head "Jesus Christ I tried that once before..."
"And what happened?" asks his friend.
"I'll tell you what happened...triple f*cking bogey that's what happened!"



Little fun one - Who is the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultrasound guy!

SetOverSet

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

jiminywimilybob

WP Tylerdurden94 on 1000 posts..hopefully many more thousands to go

Hectorjelly

careca

This Duck walks into a bar with a hard hat on and orders a pint. Barman nearly collapses when he hears the duck talking. The duck explains that some of them can talk but its rare enough. The barman tells the duck that he has a friend who owns a circus and that the duck could make a lot of money from him.

duck says "A circus? One with those big canvas tents?"

"ya thats right" says the barman.

Duck says "and why would he want a carpenter"