My 1000th Post

tylerdurden94

Been some good jokes left, Hectorjellys took me a sec to get :eek: Keep it rolling

AKDK

Jokes



Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

****
A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

****

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

****

What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.

****

Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

****

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?>

One.

****

Why do women fake 0rgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

****

Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house"

The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a pr0stitute to subsidise her
drug habit"

****

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
off.

****

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

AKDK

How to treat a woman


1. when she asks how she looks i'll shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2.I'll never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs my hand I'll squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man i am.)

3. once a month i'll sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4.I'll call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is I'll say you better be ,I'll repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her I care.

5. when she is upset about something,I'll suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6.I'll recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping,I'll steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and Jews.

7. if I'm talking to another girl,I'll make sure shes looking. When she is, I'll stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8.I'll tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then I'll take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset I'll tell her I were just kidding and now I'm really going to take her to dinner. then I'll drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why I would do something like that I'll lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9.I'll introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

10.I'll play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11.I'll warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then I might get cold. rather,I'll look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12.I'll Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do).I'll Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and I'll yell at her the whole way home for ditching me at the party.

13.I'll make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14.I'll let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR!I'll repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things.

15.I'll Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if I care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then I'll can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time I'm in her house I'll steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18.I'll Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order I'll interrupt and say no shes not hungry.I'll make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19.I'll look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.


20. When its raining I'll keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later I'll turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

21. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

22. if I'm listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think I'm mysterious.

23.I'll remember her birthday but wont get her something.I'll Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps me happy. And my happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.

24. when she gives me a present on your birthday, christmas, or just when ever,I'll take it and tell her I love it. then next time I know she's coming over on a bin day leave the bin open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. girls actually don't like this one that much but i think it's funny.

25. If shes mad at me for not calling her when I say I will I'll promise her that I will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when I call I'm going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Then I wont call

tylerdurden94

Seeing as i am a Man Utd fan i think this is very appropriate

AKDK

kakak1 wrote: »

SO YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING!

* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

* No piece of paper can be folded in half more than7 times.

* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

* The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

* A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

* The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.

* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

* Pearls melt in vinegar.

* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

* The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.

* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

* A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

* Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

* Butterflies taste with their feet.

* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's
nuclear weapons combined.

* On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

* Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

* It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

* The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

* A snail can sleep for three years.

* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

* All polar bears are left handed.

* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including
their eyebrows and eyelashes.

* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

* "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

* Almost everyone who reads this will try to lick their elbow.

There is more plastic flamingoes in america then real ones.

A cockroach can live for up to ten days without his head!

Coca cola would lose over a billion dollars a year if they filled there bottles to the top!

on average women blink twice as much as men!

All polar bears are left handed!

Elephants cant jump.

More people die from allergic reactions to strawberries each year then shark attacks!

At any time 0.7% of the world population are drunk!

90% of all movies released in the U S are PORN!

Agnonas koalas and Komodo dragans have two cocks!

On average 13 people are killed every year from vending machines falling on them!

Human hair grows 3mm a month.

Your eyeballs is the only part of your body that never grow after birth.

Broccoli contains more vitamn c than oranges!

Your liver bleeds for 1.5 secs after doin a shot of vodka!!

9/10 people read the writing on toilet walls.

you have 147 times more chance of havin a heart attack while on cocaine!

You have more chance of gettin broncitis from smoking menthol smokes!

Your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body.

When u laugh u use 14 muscles

Walt Disney bought the land which makes up disney land for 1c an acre!

It is illegal to look at 2 deers havin sex while in a aeroplane flying over alaska!

Apples are more officent in keeping u awake than caffine!

An ostrichs eye is bigger than its brain!

80% of all women that walk into a department store turn right!

UNCOPYRIGHTABLE is the only 15 letter word were no letter is repeated

Pigs orgasms last 20 mins!

Albert Einstine didnt speak till the age of 4!

In Uraguay being drunk is a legal excuse for a car accident


most lipstick contains fish scales

there is 5 trillion trillion atoms in one pound of iron

80% of antartica is owned by Argentina

Charlie Chaplon once came third in a Charlie Chaplon look alike contest

if u untangled a hanger and stretched it out it is 44 inchs

hotspur

AKDK anti-jokes don't work in multiples they only cut it due to surprise and it ruins it when you know it's an anti-joke. Having said that though this is my favourite anti-joke:

This chap walks into a pub and to his astonishment, notices that there's a chap stood at the bar who has a huge orange for a head. Despite his curiousity, the chap decides not to pry and sits down quietly.

After a few drinks, curiosity has overcome the chap and he decides to enquire.

"Excuse me, mate, but I couldn't help noticing you have a big orange for a head. What happened?"

"Well," says the man with the big orange for a head, "I moved into a large old house not so long ago. One afternoon, I decided to explore the attic and found an old brass lamp in the corner. I rubbed the lamp and a Genie popped out, explained he had been trapped in there for two hundred years, and would grant me three wishes for releasing him."

"So what did you ask for first?" asks the curious chap.

"I asked for ten million pounds. The Genie clapped his hands, there was a flash of lightning, and he asked me to phone the bank, who confirmed my balance was now ten million pounds!"

"What did you ask for with your second wish?"

"Well, I asked if I could make love to the ten most beautiful women in the world. Again, the Genie clapped his hands, there was a flash of lightning, and the doorbell rang. Ten supermodels ran in, picked me up, carried me to bed, and ravished me all night!"

"Wow," says the curious chap, "What did you ask for with your third wish?"

"Well, I asked for a big orange for a head."

---

Here's a joke I like that has a title, it's called "Why men are no good at being agony aunts"
Dear Ted,I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.

He’d carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Suzy Fox

In Response:

Dear Suzy,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults...

thedini

It was a fine sunny sunday afternoon and there was an old man reading his newspaper sitting on a park bench minding his own business. Along came a punkrocker with loads of different coloured and spiked hair. The old man kept staring at him for ages until the punkrocker eventually got fed up and asked him, what are u staring at old man? After a few moments thought the old man said I fooked a parrot once and I thought u might be my son.

Macspower

Hi Danny... well done on 1000 posts.... one of the nice guys of poker...

here are a few for you...

---

Knacker buys a donkey and rides it proudly around the pub car park
" NICE ASS" says an onlooker... "what sex is it?"

I think it's a female says the knacker.... cos I heard someone shout "look at the big smelly CU*T on the donkey"

---

A man is walking past a knacker camp and sees a sign saying "BOAT FOR SALE" the man looks around and sees no boat just the sign on the jeep with a caravan hitched on..... He goes up to the knacker and says I see the sign BOAT for sale....???? I can only see a caravan and a jeep??????

yeah says the Knacker their boat for sale.


=======================================================

3 doctors discussing their countries medical achievements

US doctor says We specialise in Kidney transplants......we can take a kidney out of 1 man and put it into another and he will be up looking for a work in 6 months

English doctor says thats nothing We specialise in lung transplants.......we can take a lung out of one man and put it in another and in 5 months he'll be out looking for work....

Irish doctor says... thats nothing guys we specialise in arsehole transplants.......

the other doctors laugh.... you cant transplant an arsehole they laugh...

Well we did says the Irish doctor........We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dail and in 3 months the whole country is out looking for work!

Macspower

Man out for a walk sees a blonde girl on the edge of a cliff.....

are you going to jump he asks her?

Yeah she says....

Tell you what says the man.... before you jump can I have a BJ?

ok she says and gives him the best one of his life...

WOW says the guy .... with that talent why do you want to kill yourself...???

I know .... but my parents just wont accept me dressing like a girl!!!

Chucky the tree

Hectorjelly

hotspur wrote: »

"Well, I asked for a big orange for a head."

---

I thought that was funny even though I knew what the punch line was going to be!

hotspur

Macspower wrote: »

---

Knacker buys a donkey and rides it proudly around the pub car park
" NICE ASS" says an onlooker... "what sex is it?"

I think it's a female says the knacker.... cos I heard someone shout "look at the big smelly CU*T on the donkey"

Second anti-traveler joke in this thread which I feel reflects badly on me as someone who has contributed to the thread. Please cop on and save the racist gags for your friends in private.

Saw a comic do an interesting racial stereotype joke in a comedy club in California last week -
"Have you ever noticed that white people dance like this [does unrhythmical nerdy dance] and black people steal sh1t?"

edit: hadn't even seen that you followed it up straight away with another traveler gag, you're a class act, miss Bernard Manning much?

cardshark202

they're called tinkers

ianmc38

Come on lads what is boards coming to. Next we'll be telling jokes about black people and dead babies.

hotspur

This collection of pics is great for lols (is there a name for this particular format of joke pic does anyone know?):
http://forum.football365.com/index.php?t=msg&th=54979&

edit: had never got to page 10 before, this one seriously made me lol:

marty smyth

whats grey and comes in pints? - an elephant

a degenerate gambler walks into the buchers, and says to the guy
- "i'll bet u £1000 u can't reach those pieces of meat on the top shelf"
- butcher replies "sorry, those steaks are too high"

RoadSweeper

Thought this was good

Mr.Plough

A man walks into a chipper with a haddock under his arm.

"Do you sell fish cakes love?"

"No sorry" she replies

"Shame, It's his birthday."


I'm here all week

YULETIRED

hotspur wrote: »

Second anti-traveler joke in this thread which I feel reflects badly on me as someone who has contributed to the thread. Please cop on and save the racist gags for your friends in private.

Saw a comic do an interesting racial stereotype joke in a comedy club in California last week -
"Have you ever noticed that white people dance like this [does unrhythmical nerdy dance] and black people steal sh1t?"

edit: hadn't even seen that you followed it up straight away with another traveler gag, you're a class act, miss Bernard Manning much?

One of our friends in the travelling community is driving through Celbridge,
a cop is standng on the side of the road, FITTC asks him, am I anywhere near Clane?

cop says, NOPE, YOU ARE STILL A FILTHY KNACKER...


Edit : sorry about this macspower was using my account and trolling some posts, er just this one actually.....him and half baked are such jokers IMO

Icarus152

YULETIRED wrote: »

One of our friends in the travelling community is driving through Celbridge,
a cop is standng on the side of the road, FITTC asks him, am I anywhere near Clane?

cop says, NOPE, YOU ARE STILL A FILTHY KNACKER...


Edit : sorry about this macspower was using my account and trolling some posts, er just this one actually.....him and half baked are such jokers IMO

FAIL.

YULETIRED

Icarus152 wrote: »

FAIL.

meh

I forgot how many 'gingers' post here..



mind those wings now...

BobSloane

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto

RoadSweeper

Hear about the magician who uses chocolate instead of cards?

He got a few twix up his sleeve!





Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
He figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

mocata

A prossie falls in love with one of her clients, they court for months, and he eventually asks her to marry him. He goes down on one knee, and she accepts, her heart bursting with love. As they celebrate with some champers, he turns to her and says" Darling i must confess something before we wed, I am a total golf nut, i have to play at least once a day, can you live with that?" She looks at him and says " I have a confession too, i am a hooker..." He goes quiet for a minute with a sad look on his face , then replies " Your probably holding your wrists too straight"

hotspur

YULETIRED wrote: »

Edit : sorry about this macspower was using my account and trolling some posts, er just this one actually.....him and half baked are such jokers IMO

Alright f*ck it so -
Q. What key can open any lock?
A. A pikey!

tylerdurden94

Macspower wrote: »

Hi Danny... well done on 1000 posts.... one of the nice guys of poker...

here are a few for you...

---

Knacker buys a donkey and rides it proudly around the pub car park
" NICE ASS" says an onlooker... "what sex is it?"

I think it's a female says the knacker.... cos I heard someone shout "look at the big smelly CU*T on the donkey"

---

A man is walking past a knacker camp and sees a sign saying "BOAT FOR SALE" the man looks around and sees no boat just the sign on the jeep with a caravan hitched on..... He goes up to the knacker and says I see the sign BOAT for sale....???? I can only see a caravan and a jeep??????

yeah says the Knacker their boat for sale.


=======================================================

3 doctors discussing their countries medical achievements

US doctor says We specialise in Kidney transplants......we can take a kidney out of 1 man and put it into another and he will be up looking for a work in 6 months

English doctor says thats nothing We specialise in lung transplants.......we can take a lung out of one man and put it in another and in 5 months he'll be out looking for work....

Irish doctor says... thats nothing guys we specialise in arsehole transplants.......

the other doctors laugh.... you cant transplant an arsehole they laugh...

Well we did says the Irish doctor........We took an arsehole out of Offaly and put it in the Dail and in 3 months the whole country is out looking for work!

Much appreciate the compliment Paul. Gentlemen this has been good, many a joke as made me laugh out loud.

connie147

Why do the female members of the travelling community wear the tampax's with the strings attached?

Ans: So the crabs can go bungy jumping!!


A guy is driving from Killarney to Cork when he spots a lad in a wheelchair thumbing a lift just outside Killarney town. So he stopped and asked where he was going. He answered "Cho-cho cho cho cork", eventually getting the word out of his mouth. So he offers him a drive, lifts the lad out of his chair and puts him in the front seat and ties the seat belt, then folds up the wheel-chair and puts it in the boot, and then drives on.

"Are there many in your family" says the driver, trying to make conversation.
"I-I-I-I-I-I-I--I-I-I-I'VE two b-b-b-brothers, and 1 s-s-s-s-s-sister" the boy stammerred.
"What does your sister do", enquired the driver
"S-S-S-S-She's in the rehab in Limerick, no arms and no legs" the boy says.
"Oh Jesus, I'm so sorry to hear that" says the driver, and thinks to himself, I'll ask no more family questions.
Half an hour up the road, he cant resist and says "what does your oldest brother do"?
"H-H-H-H-J-He's in the rehab in Dublin, no eyes, no mouth, no ears" the boy sobs.

Oh for fcuks sake, thinks the driver, I'm definately not asking any more.

So they drive on and just before they get into cork, the driver just cant resist any longer. "What about your other brother " says he.
"H-H-H-H-H-H-H-Hes in the University in Cork, I'm going to see him" said the boy.
"I'm fcuking delighted" says the driver, breathing a sigh of relief, "and whats he doing there".
H-H-H-H-H-H-H-He's in a jam-jar in the laboratory" says the boy.

Icarus152

YULETIRED wrote: »

I forgot how many 'gingers' post here..

babymaker6

hi Danny
would you like a brand new nokia n95 including 1000 free texts and 1000 free anytime minutes a month to any network , we will also give a free 42" LCD tv
and an apple ipod plus a mini fridge full of beer?
all this for just 12 euros with no contract to sign























just log on to www.dream -on-ya ****.com

tylerdurden94

babymaker6 wrote: »

hi Danny
would you like a brand new nokia n95 including 1000 free texts and 1000 free anytime minutes a month to any network , we will also give a free 42" LCD tv
and an apple ipod plus a mini fridge full of beer?
all this for just 12 euros with no contract to sign























just log on to www.dream -on-ya ****.com

Jesus Fergus i thought i was getting lucky there for a second!