Song I wrote, Judge away.

Burial

Ok, so I wrote this at work in about an hour and I want to hear what people think. Meaning, Themes etc. Lyrically bad, rythemly terrible.. Critise away! (I know myself this needs work) Title suggestions would be good too! As for the beat I'd imagine something like "I'm not okay(I promise)" by My Chemical Romance for the Chorus and for the Opening Verse and irregular verse I have no idea how they're supposed to sound like, so em... Use your imaginations.


Title??

(Opening)
Going over it once again,
I ask for you to explain,
What this really means,
You say we're moving way too fast,
Do you really want your old life back?

(Chorus)
Why are you, afraid?
There's nothing here, we fear.
Nothing we can't do,
To take or to hide,
So why are you afraid?

(Verse)
Stalling for a big delay,
Avoiding that faithful day,
Hoping that it is gone,
Comforting yourself in allabies,
Keep telling yourself those lies.

(Chorus)

(Irregular verse)
You've never understood,
Or cared on how I feel,
The decision's for two,
For me and for you,
tell me,

(Outro)
Why are you, afraid?
There's nothing here, we fear.
Nothing we can't do,
To take or to hide,
So why are you afraid?

I'm just as scared too
All I can ever do,
Is always think of you,
You make me happy knowing that,
I'm the only one,
that makes you happy too.

humberklog

Lacking bite perhaps? For every line that takes this reader in a direction of thought on the essence of the sentiment there then appears a line that negates or contradicts the previous feeling. There appears to be 2 songs at once and it comes across as subconsciously muddy, no driving force to nail it. To be really speculative on interpretation;often when writing something personal or on a topic that leaves you emotionally vulnerable it can be an easy hole to jump into to try balance your feelings with that of the inspirer or more importantly that of the listener. Hiding behind a guaze of ambiguity or balance can lack an honesty of depth if written to directly appease the listener or subject. Trust your own feelings and fcuk the begruders I say.

Is the muse leaving or laughing? Or leaving as they laugh!(That'd be a whole different song).

Burial

humberklog wrote: »

Lacking bite perhaps? For every line that takes this reader in a direction of thought on the essence of the sentiment there then appears a line that negates or contradicts the previous feeling. There appears to be 2 songs at once and it comes across as subconsciously muddy, no driving force to nail it. To be really speculative on interpretation;often when writing something personal or on a topic that leaves you emotionally vulnerable it can be an easy hole to jump into to try balance your feelings with that of the inspirer or more importantly that of the listener. Hiding behind a guaze of ambiguity or balance can lack an honesty of depth if written to directly appease the listener or subject. Trust your own feelings and fcuk the begruders I say.

Is the muse leaving or laughing? Or leaving as they laugh!(That'd be a whole different song).

What would you make the driving force behind it be? So, this song needs more work, I kind've figured that... And no it's not personal. It's about someone popping the question and them saying no. I haven't done that yet, and hopefully I won't do that for awhile... I've got to admit the Chorus is pretty lame, but I think not bad for an hours try. Anyway, do you have any suggestions on how to improve the song? I know you said it sounds like two songs, but care to provide an example?

" Hiding behind a guaze of ambiguity or balance can lack an honesty of depth if written to directly appease the listener or subject. Trust your own feelings and fcuk the begruders I say.

Is the muse leaving or laughing? Or leaving as they laugh!(That'd be a whole different song)." What the hell do you mean here...

humberklog

I'm surprised at how you interpret the song, proposal eh? I didn't see it 'til you pointed it out. In that case I'd take it one of two ways. It now reads as though the 1st person is trying to get reason from the 2nd as to the refusal. Begging isn't pretty. He should take it like a man, then most of the lyrics could turn to self reflection, much more accessable to this reader or if taking the(unpretty)road of begging then have him pleading not teasing.

Last 2lines of 1st verse(for e.g) don't marry intent with last3lines of last verse leaving this reader with a sense of dishonesty.

I wouldn't be hard on yourself with 1st chorus. That's quite good.
What chords are you thinking of?

humberklog

Burial wrote: »

And no it's not personal. It's about someone popping the question and them saying no

Because it may not be dealing with items in your own life doesn't mean that it isn't personal. Take if you will an actor. If he doesn't believe with pure conviction in the role in which he plays then the whole of the story fcuked. This goes for the writer too. I've a song about a guy that gets taken from this earth by spacemen. Taken away for years into space but returned to earth 5 minutes later in earth time and the lyrics are based around his deep feelings of Stockholm Syndrome he suffers after his return. It ain't personal but I believe in every word and the story's intent.

Burial

humberklog wrote: »

Because it may not be dealing with items in your own life doesn't mean that it isn't personal. Take if you will an actor. If he doesn't believe with pure conviction in the role in which he plays then the whole of the story fcuked. This goes for the writer too. I've a song about a guy that gets taken from this earth by spacemen. Taken away for years into space but returned to earth 5 minutes later in earth time and the lyrics are based around his deep feelings of Stockholm Syndrome he suffers after his return. It ain't personal but I believe in every word and the story's intent.

Ah right I get you. I actually don't know why I wanted to do it about this, just sort've came to me....

humberklog wrote: »

I'm surprised at how you interpret the song, proposal eh? I didn't see it 'til you pointed it out. In that case I'd take it one of two ways. It now reads as though the 1st person is trying to get reason from the 2nd as to the refusal. Begging isn't pretty. He should take it like a man, then most of the lyrics could turn to self reflection, much more accessable to this reader or if taking the(unpretty)road of begging then have him pleading not teasing.

How are you suprised on how I interpretted something I wrote
What did you see it as before? You mentioned 2 songs in one, but I'd like to know what about. I mean I probably need to make it clearer or so in my lyrics. I mean if you thought this song was dealing of death then clearly I have to improve the clarity of the song.

I hadn't meant it to come across as teasing. The more I look back over this song, the more I go ugh...

I get what your saying when you say
"lyrics could turn to self reflection, much more accessable to this reader"

Interesting concept. I think I'll look into expanding that if I ever get the time! Do you not think it'd contain too much within a song? I suppose I could take the best lines from this song and condense it to a verse or two.

humberklog wrote: »

Last 2lines of 1st verse(for e.g) don't marry intent with last3lines of last verse leaving this reader with a sense of dishonesty.

How would you finish off this song so? I really ended it this way because someone said it took them 15 years to write a song and tried making it about a nice theme. I kinda aimed to do that here.

humberklog wrote: »

I wouldn't be hard on yourself with 1st chorus. That's quite good.
What chords are you thinking of?

Once again, the more I'm looking over the song, the more I'm cringing... I think it's needs alot more improvement! As for chords, I can't play an instrument, but I have friends who do, and they'd be happy to help me! I just need to work up the courage to ask them to help me with the songs...

humberklog

Tellsya burial I'm only writing a short time too and putting stuff out there is the biggest help I've had. Just as a confidence builder which is what a lot of it's about. If you've confidence then the song rings true and that's 90% of the illusion. The greatest help to me is when I write something and then cringe. That feeling teaches you everything. Congratulations is good but that's more of an affirming thing.
By the by I had only been so up front as on other peoples lyrics you's shown a very deft hand in understanding lyrics. This deftness shows through in your own work too. I just thought I'd throw my 2cents in. And my 2cents is all that as I ain't no (insert name of someone you like here) myself.

I think you're right when you say take out the lines you don't like, leave the ones you do and see how it's sitting. I'd pay no attention to how long a song takes. It ain't as though EMI are putting us under preassure to rush the album out for xmas so we may aswell enjoy the art.
I'll put up a song I wrote last night so you can whack the bejapers out of it. Go in hard!

kryogen

humberklog has said pretty much all i would say about this song so i wont re hash what he has said, only thing i want to say burial is, learn an instrument, it will help so much with your writing, until then get your friends to play some stuff they have been fooling about with and try put some lyrics over that.

a guitar and a few chords go a long way!

a piano is the piece de resistance though

humberklog

Hey Burial did you do anything further with this song?

Burial

humberklog wrote: »

Hey Burial did you do anything further with this song?

I'll be honest no I haven't. Stuff has gotten in the way, so song-writing was put to the back of my to-do list... Where/What would I go about learning the guitar/piano? I have some access to both and I'd like to put music to my lyrics... My friends band only have one song and they're struggling to come up with other stuff so I'm going to ask him can I help his band! So I'll let you know how that goes... I'm also going to ask him for help learning instruments also...

humberklog

Burial wrote: »

I'll be honest no I haven't. Stuff has gotten in the way, so song-writing was put to the back of my to-do list... Where/What would I go about learning the guitar/piano? I have some access to both and I'd like to put music to my lyrics... My friends band only have one song and they're struggling to come up with other stuff so I'm going to ask him can I help his band! So I'll let you know how that goes... I'm also going to ask him for help learning instruments also...

I found just buying a cheap nylon, chord book and tuner is plenty to start with. Tune guitar up with the tuner(help may be needed1st time) then don't even bother with chords. Just put one finger on one string and listen to what sounds it makes. Get used to your fingers moving and the sound each individual string makes when pressed on at different parts of the fret board. Do that for a few weeks. Sure there's no rush is there?