Confused!

Le Rack

Okay, apologies in advance for the length this will no doubt be, and many thanks in advance for anyone who gets through it/replies to it!

Right, the end of July last year I was out with mates and met this really nice guy (called X for purposes of this post! :P). So we got on really well, kissed a bit and he told me he wanted to see me again, great, so we exchange numbers and I explain that I'm not actually living in Dublin at the time but will be moving up in about a week. He sorta laughs at this and says Okay, to give him a shout when I'm back.

Hardly a week later I'm at another gig, at home in Wex this time, and get introduced to my mates cousin, Y, who is really lovely and tells me straight off the bat he's dead interested in me. I don't know what to do with this but take the compliment and tell him he seems lovely too.

One week later I move to Dub as planned previously, but on the night I move my mates are playin a gig in town so I go along as always and once again Y is there. We get chattin, gettin on really well and he kisses me. After the gig, once he's finished with the band (he worked sound tech for em) I persuade him and the lads to come out with me for a drink, but about half way to the bar the boys decide they're wrecked and go home for tea and bed :P however Y sticks with me. We get there, have a few drinks and get to a point where we can't keep our hands off eachother. And so this first night out preceeded a month long, extremely intense relationship.

Y had just come out of a fairly serious relationship, which instantly told me to slow things down but I didn't wanna run the risk of losin him so didn't. What I also didn't know at first was that he's bi-polar. This wouldn't necessarily bother me but just with everything mounted on it, it was gonna cause issues. I told him I was willing to do whatever, cuz I really liked him n wanted to be with him, that I'd give him space if needed or stand by him through sh!t, I was there for him. So about a month later he finally came out with it, and said that I was too good to him, he didn't deserve me, it wasn't fair on either of us but especially me to be in a relationship that he'd bring so much baggage to etc. This was all fair enough, I did as he asked but it did hurt majorly since I cared about him and wanted to help him and didn't want him going through the crap his ex was puttin him through.

Now, skip forward to christmas, I've still been thinkin bout him, missin him etc, and on crimbo itself I send out the usual "merry christmas and happy new year" message to nearly my entire phone book, him included. Then about a week later he starts textin me, we chat, everything still feelin a bit tense but gettin on grand. Then out of the blue he texts one night askin what would I say if he told me he wanted me back. I told him that I still had feelings for him and if given the chance would have him at the drop of a hat. We arranged a day to meet up, just see how things were, but the day before he text sayin he wasn't able to make it, I completely oblivious said "ok well I'm off whatever day next week if you're about" to which I got no reply for a few days and then it was "Look I don't think it's such a good idea for us to meet up after all" There was a bit more chat after this which sparked a huge fight, where I basically poured my heart to him and he told me he only wanted me back for sex, sparking an even bigger arguement...and that was the end of our communication.

On we go to March, and one day out of no where X texts me. We hadn't really spoken much since last year as by time I went to contact him again he was going out with someone. Granted we had bumped into eachother in the bar, exchanged pleasentries etc. So we get talkin, he's single again, and it turns out we still like eachother, and he up for fun. I in my stupid naivity (sp) agree to this and we meet up, watch movies, have a few drinks etc etc. This behaviour carries on for months until we're planning holidays together and I've met the rents. He continually insisted he didn't want a relationship, just wanted to be single and work on the music for now etc, which I was fairly ok with.

At the end of may, I severly damage my back and am shipped home to be looked after by mammy since I couldn't even get out of bed due to the injury. For the first two weeks I was home we'd speak to eachother every day, all the coupley I miss you stuff, planning a trip away when I got better. However I'm still stuck in Wex, between my back and lookin for a new place to live. As a result of my being down here longer than expected, and the fact that we were never in an exclusive relationship, things kinda fizzled out with X, understandable really.

In the meantime of being stuck down here I've kinda "met" another guy, Z. When I say met I recognised him on bebo as we're both regulars to the same bar, we got chattin, about 2 months ago, and get on really well. I've been to Dublin a couple of time of late and we've met up and got on great. He told my best mate that he's not into other girls cuz he likes me and is after me, and I know that he's into takin things slow and doing things right, which is really good.

In the past two weeks though, not only has X started saying he's missin me loads, can't wait for me to be back, wants us to go away from some "us time away" he's also admitted he doesn't want to be single forever, doesn't want to be lonely etc BUT the second guy Y has also resurfaced basically confessing his undying love, that he's been missing me since we parted, he was stupid to do everything he did, I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and frankly my feelings for him never totally subsided so all this is opening so many cans of worms!

So I put this to you, the people of boards! What the hell do I do! I'm sorta thinking end things with X, since there wasn't a huge amount there to start with...Y...I don't know, I've wanted him for a year but I also don't wann ruin thing with the new guy Z with whom things could turn out to be amazing...

MojoMaker

Z.

No history, no baggage - yet.

Dizzyblonde

My advice is to draw a line under the past and move forward with the new guy. The other two didn't seem to be going anywhere, by the sound of it.

Le Rack

fair play for readin it!

I know he's still new and stuff, but we've gotten pretty close talking wise, and he's relatively baggage free in comparison to the other two...

Karen_*

Thanks OP that was very entertaining with my cup of tea:p

Having been messed around by X and Y I think you should go with Z. Y is all over the place with the baggage and he told you he wanted you for sex at one stage. He's changed his mind - again!!!! Walk away.

X doesn't want to be lonely or single and he hasn't got anyone else at the moment. You'll do. Say thanks but no thanks.

Its up to you OP but this new bloke sounds like he's worth giving a chance to.

Gary ITR

That made my head hurt...

My advice would be steer clear of all of them for a few weeks and figure out how you feel

Annie Bananie

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

My advice is to draw a line under the past and move forward with the new guy. The other two didn't seem to be going anywhere, by the sound of it.

+1

LegacyUser

my motto would usually be 'they're exes for a reason'. with X, as you say, there was never much there, Y, his personal stuff seemed to get in the way, and as for telling you he just wanted you back for sex: Red Flag ahoy!
bipolar or not, uncool, my friend!

the universe likes screwing with our tiny minds, and just when you let yr guard down, and meet someone nice with potential, you're prectially guaranteed a text/call/whatever from one person you had trouble getting over. happened me last week. met a nice boy, + night before our first date, a guy who completely wrecked me last yr gets in touch. not sure what *exactly* he wanted, 'cos i wasn't sticking around to find out. but i reccomend you cut out X and Y and see what happens with Z- he could be amazing, he could be anothe' oh well' but you Know the other two didn't work, so why go back?

good luck
x

Le Rack

Karen_* wrote: »

Thanks OP that was very entertaining with my cup of tea:p

Having been messed around by X and Y I think you should go with Z. Y is all over the place with the baggage and he told you he wanted you for sex at one stage. He's changed his mind - again!!!! Walk away.

X doesn't want to be lonely or single and he hasn't got anyone else at the moment. You'll do. Say thanks but no thanks.

Its up to you OP but this new bloke sounds like he's worth giving a chance to.

Lol, sorry, and thank you! And to think thats the shortened version!

The points you've made are sorta the points that have been in my head but on top of that, Y seems to have changed utterly, like, he says he wants me to be happy, and that I should prob forget about him and be with Z, if that makes me happy, but still wants to be with me given the chance. I don't wanna seem lie I'm defending him or ought and I am inclined to just say look ye had yer chance to the other two and go with Z but I sorta wanna give a fair trial...

MIN2511

Op, what do you want? Do you want to put all your eggs in one basket/ do you want a see how it goes with them?

takola

That was an entertaining read!

Go with Z. Draw a line under the other two and move forward with the new guy. He sounds nice. And he hasn't got a history of messing you about which the other two have!

If I were you I'd cut contact as much as possible with the other two too. Otherwise you're going to spend your time wondering if you made the right choice and stuck in "What if" land. Don't do the whole friendship thing because right now they're both saying they want you back and that's going to play with your head.

Make a clean break and start afresh with the new guy.

Le Rack

I like X and did really want to be with him but his attitude over the past while has gotten to me, and even before these complications I had planned to give him the ultimatmum of either we're together or we're not...

Y...there's just a wound being reopened with him and all the feelings surging up that had been oppressed by my anger with him for only wanting me for sex after I tellin him how much I cared about him

And Z is all new and shiny and seems really really nice. All my mates say I should forget the other two and be with him but I just have a feeling that they're backing the wrong horse...

I would like to see how things pan out with each of them but I feel that's totally unfair to each of them...


glad my confusion is so entertaining! :P

Wibbs

X? Nope, he's had his chance and is all over the place. Forget him.

Y is a grey area. You were OK together and the distance kinda got in the way which can happen. He seems keen and you know what you're getting.

Z is novelty and the promise of something different, but you don't know him.

I'd reduce the choice to Y or Z. Maybe go out with Z and see what you think. You may find he's not for you second date out.

The simple answer may be which one do you jump the most and feel you have the best chemistry. If the answer is you're not sure then you're probably not that pushed on any of them.

Le Rack

best sexual chemistry in order best to worst Y, X, and Z unknown but potentially good from our talking about our preferances etc.

Conversational Chemistry, Y, Z, X

General coupley chemistry Y, and the other two I think are sorta on a par, I know neither of em is all that into any from of pda, like ye'd be lucky to hold their hand in public sorta thing...I know Y is comin out on top with that but he's got his con's too...BAH!

tuffyotoole

go for Z. im thinking X and Y see u as a safe bet and they wont lead to anything.
GO FOR Z,you have nothing to lose.

tbh

seems to me like both guys had their chance to build something with you, and both rejected it. So why punish Z for the sins of X and Y? Let X and Y sort themselves out - they didn't wait for you, so why should you wait for them? You're worth more than that girl, make them regret their mistakes

Wibbs

Le Rack wrote: »

best sexual chemistry in order best to worst Y, X, and Z unknown but potentially good from our talking about our preferances etc.

Conversational Chemistry, Y, Z, X

General coupley chemistry Y, and the other two I think are sorta on a par, I know neither of em is all that into any from of pda, like ye'd be lucky to hold their hand in public sorta thing...I know Y is comin out on top with that but he's got his con's too...BAH!

On that basis Y seems to be still worth a punt, if he can prove himself to be the type to stick around

Le Rack

yeah, gonna meet up with him this week sometime, just to see how things are, it has been a year since we seen eachother so yeah...and got Z's birthday party comin up...awh man! there is a looonnngggg week ahead!

Thanks everyone!

Le Rack

Ok, so, Y is pretty much off the scene, but meeting with X put me back to last year and as a result we've been seeing eachother on the sly for near a month now, being with him everything feels great and perfect and happy, yet I do have this constant forboding from what happened last year and am terrified of it happening again.

The other serious issue is the fact that I'm still also somewhat seeing Z, everyone thinks we're together but we're not in any sort of big relationship so to speak, we're still essentially at the "going out as friends" stage.

I've been honest with X that I was basically seeing Z before he came back into my life and he has actually been really good about it, saying I should go for the "young upstanding man with the plan" as opposed to him, the "dreaming vegabond" (the vegabnod is the type after my own heart but anyway!). I've also been telling him all along that I do want him but am scared of what happened last year happening again and if that's likely to happen it makes me more inclined to go with the new guy.

Last night X rang and text me, quite upset and drunk, confessing that he wants me, and wants to fix things and doesn't know how. It ended with us basically crying at eachother, him insisting that I only see him as summit easy and handy, and me insisting I don't and sobbing every fear I have about the situation to him, fear of losing him again etc. I ended up hanging up on him cuz he'd stopped talking, but he proceeded to ring me throughout the night, all of which I didn't answer, now this morning I've tried to text and ring him but got no answers...

I had no idea what to do when this started, and now I have even less idea, all I know is I'm being a total b!tch for doing this...so...what can i do?!

Overheal

drama much?

your head is in 34 different places. you need to sort that out before you can do anything. get youself out of the muck and at a distance so you can look at your life objectionably and see what needs to be done, which is commit to something.

why dont you find something better to do than looking for all this drama

drop them all and get on with your life

MIN2511

bluewolf wrote: »

why dont you find something better to do than looking for all this drama

drop them all and get on with your life

easier said than done:rolleyes:


OP, don't text/ring X until he contacts you. And carry on with Z let us know when X contacts you, it may have been drunken slur or maybe he meant it. It's tough i know, your head being in two places...

Wibbs

Le Rack wrote: »

I had no idea what to do when this started, and now I have even less idea, all I know is I'm being a total b!tch for doing this...so...what can i do?!

Stop. Make a decision and stick to it. It's basically as simple as that.

I've seen this one before, more than once and it never and I mean never ends well. I have to say it's a pity one of these guys won't make the decision for you, as you seem not able to do so. X made the classic mistake of telling you that maybe z was the guy you should go for and hoping that your feelings would figure this out. Very "hollywood" and "romantic" but dumb on X's part IMHO. It gave you "permission" to have your cake and eat it. I would put money that if x had not come over all easy going you would have respected him for it and considered him much more.

IMHO to people(especially men) out there in x or z's position, the second you get an inkling of this threeway vibe, walk. Be nice about it, say your piece about playing second fiddle and then walk away. By agreeing to this arrangement you are basically telling the person "it's ok to disrespect me". So they will and will basically fancy you and consider you less(especially women). You may love them, but they don't love either of you and they're stopping you from doing so with someone that will.

Can you explain your thinking? I'm not being funny, I'm genuinely interested. I mean you say you and x are getting along and doing well, yet you're still stringing z along. Why? Foreboding over x and hedging your bets? Of course even engaging with x when you were going out with z in the first place was hardly on either.

Advice? Pick one. Stick to it. As I strongly suspect you won't then my crystal ball tells me yet again, that this will come to a head and one of them will grow a pair and walk away. It's most likely the one that you actually want and you'll want him even more when he walks away and you will be left still wondering "what if?". Then the one that you're left with will peter out over time even though you'll try to keep it going. That's what I've seen happen before anyway. Step by step.

Le Rack

Basically, head says Z, heart says X. And as much as I hate to admit it I'm one of those yee old time hopeless romantics who wants to follow their heart. However past experience, therefore, sense and logic, head, tell me to stick with Z.

X has told me that he would be happy to wake up next to me everyday for the rest of his life, he's spoken about marraige (sp?) and numerous other things that make me consider him even moreso than from what I'm feeling, if that makes sense.

You're Holldywood mention there is funny as I myself, respect his wanting me to try things with Z as opposed to him, cuz he said he wants me to be happy even if it's not with him. Granted it could be the "pour your heart out and hope for the best" card, hoping I'll think, hold on, he must really care about me if he only wants me to be happy even if it's not with him.

I know it's horrible what I'm doing which is why I spend every day wracking my brain etc trying to figure it all out. I full well expect it to blow up in my face and neither of them ever wanting to speak to me again, pretty much askin for it here like.

As for "stringing Z along", I don't know if it was entirely stringing along, as we still aren't even a "proper couple" so to speak and only a couple of weeks ago, he even said to my best mate that drunken kiss with another bloke or whatever while I was out was nothing to do with him, and didn't bother him as we weren't officially a couple, and even still we've only been out together twice and it's been a case of going out as friends, stated by both of us. I dunno, I think I'm tryna make some desperate attempt at keeping everything casual while I attempt to figure things out.

And to the people who said I'm going looking for drama, if you read things you would see that I hadn't contacted X once in the year, as per his wishes when we broke up, barre the generic, whole phonebook "happy Christmas" message.

Overheal

Listen to yourself: you're still thinking in circles. Snap out of it.

Catari Jaguar

Le Rack wrote: »

Basically... heart says X.

There's your answer.

No point in being with Z if you want X.

You're scared because X hurt you so you want to hide behind Z and keep him as a safety net or rebound guy.

Get with X, suck it up and go for it. Love and pain go hand in hand.

Schism

Le Rack wrote: »

best sexual chemistry in order best to worst Y, X, and Z unknown but potentially good from our talking about our preferances etc.

Conversational Chemistry, Y, Z, X

General coupley chemistry Y, and the other two I think are sorta on a par, I know neither of em is all that into any from of pda, like ye'd be lucky to hold their hand in public sorta thing...I know Y is comin out on top with that but he's got his con's too...BAH!

My opinion from reading your first post is to take X and Y out of the equation and see how it goes with Z, but from other posts it seems you feel strongest for Y so it's hard to say.

If you do decide to go back to Y I'd advise you not to invest yourself too deeply until you see if he still thinks the same of you a couple of months down the line. Since he said outright already he wants you for sex, there's a good chance he's just lusting after you because he doesn't have you.

Dizzyblonde

Flattering though it is to be 'torn between the two', it can only end badly if you play them off against each other.

Alice1

Le Rack,
I don't suppose you would consider life in a convent?

Make a decision girl and stick to it. Carrying on like this will end in tears - most likely your tears.

From a maternal point of view Z does seem like the best bet.

Red Alert

I'd say move forward with Z, by all means stay friends with X and Y but I think there's no point 're-doing' relationships unless there's been a major change of circumstances.

EDIT: i hadn't read the second page when i posted the above, but advice still stands.