funniest quote you've ever heard?

Ginja Ninja

i'll get the ball rolling with one from PI

"never sh!t on your own doorstep i always say"

and one of mine "you've a face like a smacked arse"

let the copyright infringement commence

Quazzie

"I wouldn't ride her if she had pedals" - someone on boards said that a while back and I nearly pissed myself laughing

Zillah

My signature is Oscar Wilde.

LovelyHurling

to keep up with the sexual theme, if a boy at your school received quite a lot of rogerings in his time there (not really, but the fun is in the accusation), he might have been said to "have an arse like a wizard's sleeve"

RoosterIllusion

Myself and my friends get the most mileage from a line out of Norbit (Eddie Murphy movie).

This guy is opening up a strip club: "Nothing but cheap, watered down alcohol and fake ass, tig ol' bitties!

RobertFoster

Can't remember who said it...

Pot: What did you say?
Kettle: I MOCK YOUR ETHNICITY!!

Pigwidgeon

a friend of mine the other day talking about vin diesel:

"his voice is delicious, it makes me want to order desert"

made no sense then and still doesnt make any...

Zzippy

Its all fun and games til someone misses a period...

pseudonym1

Everyone questions my drinking but no body my thirst?!
something to that effect -
Miller - i think

Havermeyer

Alex Ferguson on the his thoughts before the 2008 Champions League final (iirc)...

"It's squeaky bum time"

hiltonhater

out on a date with a TOTAL gimp a while back and he kept holiding pretend mistletoe over my head. he annoyed me so much i snapped his hand down and said 'Kiss you under mistletoe? sure i wouldnt kiss you under anasthetic'

sadly he didnt get the hint ....
and yes i stole it but cant remember from where!

Captain Slow IRL

"F*ck off, you donkey-raping sh*t eater"

Eric Cartman.

Elessar

Billy Connolly - "She's got a face that would turn a funeral down a side street"

RoosterIllusion

Elessar wrote: »

Billy Connolly - "She's got a face that would turn a funeral down a side street"

I lol'd

hiltonhater

Podge n Rodge : 'I wouldnt ride her into battle'

pablomakaveli

Iv got a homer simpson poster with that brilliant phrase "if somethings hard to do its not worth doing" .

lmtduffy

Some women in parliament accuses Winston Churchill of being drunk,

he replies: I maybe drunk, but ill be sober in the morning, you are ugly and will still be ugly in the morning.

(Not exact manuscript)

Duiske

hiltonhater wrote: »

Podge n Rodge : 'I wouldnt ride her into battle'

Another from that pair : "She's so feck'in ugly, even the tide would'nt take her out"

....shell....

heard from a fella....he looks as awkward as a straight guy in a gay parade

Quazzie

homer - alcohol: the reason for and answer to all of life's problems

The_Minister

lmtduffy wrote: »

Some women in parliament accuses Winston Churchill of being drunk,

he replies: I maybe drunk, but ill be sober in the morning, you are ugly and will still be ugly in the morning.

(Not exact manuscript)

Well done.

You have absolutely BUTCHERED one of the greatest comebacks of all time.

Bravo sir.

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.

CreepingDeath

From the film "Roxanne" :

"I would rather be with the people of this town than with the finest people in the world. "


Can't remember where I heard this but it's good to throw in the middle of an argument

"Lets stop this now or else as the midwife said to your mother.... this is going to get ugly".

CreepingDeath

Futurama : Professor Hubert Farnsworth.

A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished.
Oh, the Jedis are going to feel this one.



From "Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps"

One of the girls has to pad out her college essay to 3000 words.

Donna: Give me some phrases that don't mean anything
Janet : I'm not going to cum in your mouth.... <shrugs> that doesn't mean anything.

longshanks

now now love, lets not turn this rape into a murder....... that'll be slick mick

m83

"I'm so horny I'd eat the scabs out of a whoors knickers!"

longshanks

he's so hungry he'd eat the snot off a knackers sleeve

Evenescent

............................. I would rather drink a barrel of my own piss

cormie

"I don't have a drinking problem, except when I can't get a drink"

"There aint no devil, it's just God when he's drunk"

I heard them both from Tom Waits songs, not sure if they are originally his, probably :cool:

Reganio 2

I wouldn;t do her with my worst enemies todger.

Evenescent

longshanks wrote: »

he's so hungry he'd eat the snot off a knackers sleeve

Brilliant LMAO

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

"Qiff... in the game of chess, you must never let your opponent see your pieces."

whassupp2

"Opinions are like arseholes............everyone has one":D:D

"Irish weather is Muslim..................Some Sunni but mostly Shi'ite"

matchthis

Even the network wouldn't go down on her

out of 10 i'd give'er one!

Thats not how your mam used to do that

i'm nearly a thousand percent sure

Yakuza

The_Minister wrote: »

Well done.
You have absolutely BUTCHERED one of the greatest comebacks of all time.
Bravo sir.

What about the (quite possibly apocryphal(?)) reply:

: Sir, if I were your wife I would poison your tea.
Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it.

Sheer genius

Edit: Oops, my bad...it was Nancy Astor with whom he had that particular exchange. Someone must have told me about both at the same time and I linked them up. Never fear, Google saved the day. I mean, I read it on The Intarweb, so it has to be true, right?

Conbro

1. "Argueing on internet forums is like competing in the special olympics. Even if you win you're still a retard"

2. Oscar Wilde: "I can resist everything but temptation"

3. Reporter : What do you see as the main differences between grass and astro turf?
American Footballer : Don't know, never smoked astro turf

4.Marge : Homer, I want you to take that pony back
Homer : First you didnt want me to get it, now you want me to take it back? Will you ever make your mind up

5. Homer : Remember I paid you back that $50 I owed you? Well now its your turn to do me a favour



6."Im so hungry Id eat the balls off a low flying duck"

7. David Brent : "Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who do."

8.David Brent : "“If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.”

ronnie3585

She's so ugly a sniper wouldn't take her out.

Jaysus, even Daz wouldn't shift her.

Nerin

manager"use your head,put the rollcage (gianttrolley) infront of the fireexit!" followed by me and the surrounding customers looking at eachother inn amazement.

SoWatchaWant

How'd you get that black eye?

-Yer aul wan, man. She poked me in the eye with her cock.

Hanley

RobertFoster wrote: »

Can't remember who said it...

Pot: What did you say?
Kettle: I MOCK YOUR ETHNICITY!!

Notable mention!!

Elessar wrote: »

Billy Connolly - "She's got a face that would turn a funeral down a side street"

But quote of the thread so far. But the Churchill ones are complete gold too.

My own personal favourite is the following from where I work part-time (and it's one of my own too....)

*set in a busy Dublin venue that sees more than it's fair share of skobs who've gotten above themselves and don't like waiting in line for a drink at a busy bar*
Skobie girl (attempting to grab my attention): Saari ("sorry" in English)
Me: Don't worry, it's not your fault

I've used it a few times when I'm having a bad night, but no-one ever seems to get it.....

bingobongo

the best line iv ever heard was by the legend himself BEST...

''i spent all my money on booze, women and fast cars,...the rest i squandered''

legend
think that was it

bingobongo

an ould lad from my town at d hurlin match shouted out at a player who was playin fairly bad... ''its not your fault son.....its the f*cks who picked ya''

tony 2 tone

Opinions are like assholes, so stick a cork in it. Source: some ones sig.

Agonist

Maybe not the best quote but possibly the best insult I've heard. From Catullus, a classical poet from Roman times.

"Your smile is like the cnut of an old mule pissing on the street on a hot day."

I can't vouch that that's exactly right but I'm pretty sure it's close enough.

edit
I just googled it and here's the correct version:

" His mouth has teeth in it

a half a yard long, the gums are all rotten,

sagging down loose as an old covered wagon,

and when he smiles the lips spread open wide

like a mule’s **** dripping on a hot summer day."

barnacle

She has a face like a dropped pie
Stevie Wonder wouldnt take her out
She has a face like an order from Dominoe
She has a face like a burnt child

One Cold Hand

She has a face like a bucket of burnt Lego.

gandhi123

Heres just a few insults i'd thrown at people over the years (mostly bolwers):

she has a gap like a wind tunnel

You are as arkward as a bag of hammers

Ridin' her would be like throwing sausage down O Connell Street

Shes got a face that'd make an onion cry

You got a face like a well-chewed wurthers original

She has a face like a bulldog licking Piss of a nettle

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Rodge and Podge ftw (Shamelessly copied and pasted )

You’re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he ****es tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

Sweatin' like a pedophile in a Barney suit

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

Mother Teresa wouldn’t kiss her

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a nettle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

If I'd a garden full of Mickey’s I wouldn't let her look over the wall

She grabs that pole like Brian Kennedy in a mickey factory

SoWatchaWant

PHILOSOPHER: You don't want a philosopher's strike on your hands!

DEEP THOUGHT: Who will that inconvenience?

LovelyHurling

A dick like a babies arm

gandhi123

oh almost forgot (robbed from roy chubby brown)

To WOMEN:
Will you's stay out of the sea, your starting to make the fish smell!!:pac::pac:

trowelled

'It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage' - Indiana Jones in Raiders of the lost Ark

Princess Leia: I love you
Han Solo: I know
Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back


Groucho Marx: 'I don't care to belong to a club that excepts people like me as a member'
'A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke'