funniest quote you've ever heard?

Frankie Lee

A couple of Family Guy classics:

Ciggarettes killed my father,
and raped my mother

I felt gulity once,
but she woke up half way through it.

Agamemnon

For someone really ugly: "She has a face like a dog's bollocks turned inside-out with lipstick on."

For someone really lazy: "If there was work in bed, he'd sleep on the floor."

Alter-Ego

Sweatin' like a knacker trying to read.

homerjay2005

my favourite one i heard when describing a large girl -

"she wasnt one for soft ground".

or you home some crackers at rural gaa games. most are unrepeatable but somethings along the lines of

" that c*nt is about as useful as a chocolate tea pot".

or another one was -

" that c*nt number 10 is running around like a badly trained greyhound".

these when said in the presence of a few 100 people certainly gets the crowd going.

linn

okey, a good friend of mine and i were at a club last week and there was this guy there who kept following her around. she made it pretty clear that she wasn't interested, but he kept talking to her. many rejections later, he said "why won't you dance with me, do you think i'm ugly or something?

her reply was : to call you ugly would be an insult to ugly people.


oh, how i laughed

Senna

"mad as cats piss"
"she's rough as a camels arse in a sand storm"
"fell out of the ulgy tree and hit every branch on the way down"
Top heavy girl "well, she wont fall on her face anyway"
"face on her like a slapped arse"

m@cc@

nummnutts wrote: »

Alex Ferguson on the his thoughts before the 2008 Champions League final (iirc)...

"It's squeaky bum time"

Ferguson said that originally years ago.

CreepingDeath

Rachael out of "Friends"

Bangs her head against the wall, and says
"Ohhh... if it's not a headboard it just isn't worth it"


"Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" quote

"The spaceship hung in the air much in the same way that bricks don't".

abitlonely

The Bollox wrote: »

one a friend came up with: "she has a face like someone tried to put out a forrest fire with a screwdriver"

:pac:
south park that is

Ourlad

She has more chins than a chinese phonebook.

Build a scumbag a fire he'll be warm for a night, set a scumbag on fire an he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

abitlonely

I wouldn't get up on her to paint the ceiling.

If I'd a bag of dirty mickeys, I wouldn't give her one.

longshanks

if he had two brains, he'd be twice as stupid

Wazdakka

"A Couple more braincells and he could be a plant"

abitlonely

Hagar wrote: »

Irish and could claim a UK Passport but I wouldn't use one to beat out the flames if me bollix was on fire.

When a Cork lad leaves for Dublin, he lowers the intelligence average in both counties.

dcukhunter

I'm not a racist, I hate everyone equally.

GabiP

"You were so ugly when you were a baby your Ma used to pulll your pram backwards"

"You were so ugly when you were a baby your Ma used to feed ye with a gat!"

Quotes Heckled by an inmate from D wing in Mountjoy Prison Theatre He was in the audience....Ugly guy was on the stage (Ouch)

"Pissed as a fart" My sister's quote

Hanley

Honey-ec wrote: »

Spike Milligan's epitaph: Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite.

"I told you I was ill".

If we're doing eptiaph's and dying word's then Oscar Wilde needs a look in...

"Either those curtains go, or I do"

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

From City Slickers (possible via somewhere else):

"Dear God,
Enclosed, please find Curly.
Try not to piss him off."

Reganio 2

I am not just sure.... I'm HIV positive.

Soby

when the river runs red take the dirt track/road

From a poster i have
"Theres too much blood in my alcohol system"

Mahatma coat

my favorite is

Rough as a Badgers Foreskin

also

rough as a Haggard of Pigs
is a good one too

mayordenis

I'm pretty sure these are my own originals

stupid chat up line: You're Hot, I'm hot, why not? - stupid yes, worked yes

slogan: Drunk? I'll drive it off

Anan1

longshanks wrote: »

now now love, lets not turn this rape into a murder....... that'll be slick mick

Very black. I love it.

dcukhunter

It's not rape it's suprise sex.

thesteve

Mine's from Frank Sinatra : "I feel sorry for people that don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's the best they're going to feel all day long" ... or something along those lines

getz

a old jap saying .:there is more to a duck than feathers and a quack:

bottletops

As mad as a box of frogs

or

As mad as a box of frogs on pogo sticks

or

As mad as a box of frogs on pogo sticks on speed

not yet

You wouldn't bate that with 2 big sticks sellotaped together.

It won't always be dark at 6.

You'll be long enough with a ton and half of clay on your chest.

not yet

About a certain footballer who played for Liverpool, the fans used to say he had a first touch like a rapist.

Birneybau

"An alcoholic is someone you don't like, who drinks as much as you do."[

"I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that is a record."

Originally thought to be Dylan Thomas' last words.Not true.Good though.

jobucks

from the infamous peter griffin

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call?
Diane Simmons (sighs): Ghostbusters, Tom.
Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said.

paddybar

coul'nt find the quotes but my all time favourite(and I'm paraphrasing)
R.rated "why does Pighead refer to himself in the third person"
Pighead" why is your username an anagram of retard"
classic

Slidey

On ugly wimmin
The South Armagh sniper wouldnt take her out

If I had a garden full o mickeys i wouldnt let her look over the fence



Hes that unlucky if he fell into a bucket o tit he'd come up sucking his thumb

brosnadog

i wouldnt get up on her to see the all Ireland!

AnonoBoy

paddybar wrote: »

coul'nt find the quotes but my all time favourite(and I'm paraphrasing)
R.rated "why does Pighead refer to himself in the third person"
Pighead" why is your username an anagram of retard"
classic

Did Pighead set up that R.rated username himself just so he could use that comeback? It was too good to be true.

pablomakaveli

this beauty is from south park

Mr.Garrison "Ok class does anyone know what sexual harrassment is?"


Cartman "its when youre making love to a lady and another man sneaks up on you and tickles your balls from behind"

brilliant:D

The Bollox

one of my favourite quotes of all time is an Oscar Wilde quote:

while returning to his table after a bathroom break in a pub

lady in bar: "Mr Wilde, your... thingy is sticking out"
Oscar: "don't flatter yourself, Madam, it's HANGIN' out"

Mclovin

Back in the good auld days when men where men and sheep where scared!!

NORTH1

Quote from Unknown. I laughed when I read it, pretty fitting with that machine in the Alps been turned on.

From now on we must live in fear of potential global destruction, caused by the huge gravitational fluctuations that we, as a planet, will experience when people finally realise that they not actually the centre of the ****ing universe.

Turd Ferguson

LovelyHurling wrote: »

A dick like a babies arm

I've got one like a babies arm holding a giant cock

Jigsaw

"She had a fanny like Brian May's plughole".

Raiser

NoSummer wrote: »

This is not so much a quote as a funny comment. We once saw this guy we knew from school climbing a wall with difficulty. He had protruding book teeth. Anyway my friend passed an offhand comment about minding his teeth. It was priceless.

[WAITS PATIENTLY]No panic, just post the comment whenever you remember it.[/WAITS PATIENTLY]

gobby

From: this thread

FlutterinBantam wrote:

Was watching a film in the lounge and had a super ripe "King Edward" beatin at the sphinct.

Foopin hilarious. Had me trying to cover up the laughs in work

ibFoxer

One that made me laugh was i think on the Colbert report

"Imitation, the sincerest form of identity theft"

Also, one from my dad of all people, picture the scene: We are at the harbourwith a mate of mine putting the boat into the water, sit into the car to leave, some jackass reverses full tilt about 10 metres, the auld boy looks up at the rear view mirror and says "who's that prick with ears?"

PRICELESS

Captain Slow IRL

pablomakaveli wrote: »

this beauty is from south park

Mr.Garrison "Ok class does anyone know what sexual harrassment is?"


Cartman "its when youre making love to a lady and another man sneaks up on you and tickles your balls from behind"

brilliant:D

Cartman can come up with some good ones:

"He only has one testicle?! - what an asshole"

Ginja Ninja

time to breathe some life into this thread/breathes life giving ninja breath/

assswwwwwhhhhooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LouOB

he couldnt count to ten using a calculator

jobucks

I used to love it when Murray Walker the did the F1 commentating on ITV, he came out with some right crackers...

"So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable ?" Bernie Answers, "Well I don't remember buying McLaren." [Bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team].

'Unless I'm very much mistaken....I AM very much mistaken!'

"Well, now, Villeneuve is now twelve seconds ahead of Villeneuve"

"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"

And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.

In twelfth and thirteenth, the two Jaguars of Eddie Irvine.

and my personal favourite..

There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today, and four of them are Michael Schumacher.

Genius

chocciebutton

I wouldn't ride her with someone else's Mickey

''That lad is a few sandwiches short of a picnic''