funniest quote you've ever heard?

keepherlit

after the dinner..... "I'm as full as a knackers toe nail"

shes got a face like a melted welly

loose women....... " its like throwin sausages up o'connell street"

AckwelFoley

Im so Hungry..

Id eat the arse of a low flying duck

or

Im so Hungry..

Id eat the hind leg of the lamb of God



Shes so ugly..

I wouldnt ride her into battle


She so ugly..

I wouldnt get up on her to get over a fence


Shes so ugly

I wouldnt give her the bang of a door.



Shes as ugly as a box of burnt lego

missmatty

I'm so hungry I could....

eat the nappy off a scabby babby through the bars of a cot.

or

eat a nun through the bars of a convent gate

AckwelFoley

missmatty wrote: »

eat a nun through the bars of a convent gate

Ive eaten through the bars of a convent gate, but i dont think she was a nun.

getz

mary .will you stop walking so fast i cannot keep up with you _ john i walk faster than this when i am bymyself _ mary.i am glad i am not with you when your byyourself _

AckwelFoley

getz wrote: »

mary .will you stop walking so fast i cannot keep up with you _ john i walk faster than this when i am bymyself _ mary.i am glad i am not with you when your byyourself _

When Terry_gets hold .of you he_ going to. punctuate you a _new bum hole.

That gave me retinal scars.

Homer

getz wrote: »

mary .will you stop walking so fast i cannot keep up with you _ john i walk faster than this when i am bymyself _ mary.i am glad i am not with you when your byyourself _

Did you send that via some sort of old telegram machine from the wild west or what??!! :eek:

Deise-Girl..xx

Heard this from a friend:
shes so ugly id rather be up on a murder charge

xshazarx

State of the box on her, it was like throwing a sausage up O'Connell St.
If she stood with her legs apart, ye'd hear the wind whistle

Face on ya like a plate of mushy peas
Face on ya like a half chewed toffee
Face on ya like the back of a bus
The list goes on.....:D

Jeremy Clarkson about the air conditioning in a lamborghini: 'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in
the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

So hungry I'd ate a tinker's toenails

Sorry just read above there...some of them used already

The Bollox

getz wrote: »

mary .will you stop walking so fast i cannot keep up with you _ john i walk faster than this when i am bymyself _ mary.i am glad i am not with you when your byyourself _

MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NATHING!

Insect Overlord

Morning after a very long night out in Dingle:

"Jesus, you've a face on you like a pair of tits!"

keepherlit

the faithful chat up line....

"hows your belly for a lodger?"

animan

Face like a bag of smashed crabs.

Jet Black

One of the many good ones from black books

''You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.''

getz

the more people i meet the more i like my dog

---

the reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue

---

its no coincidence that mans best friend cannot talk

mocata

Best chat up line:

Do u wanna go halfers on a bastard?

dceire

"You couldn't hit snow off a rope"

Tommy T
"Like a one eye'd mouse weaping"
"I'm Irish woohoo!!! What does it mean?! Aaaggghh!! It means I'm not ****in' English that's what it means!"

Pete Briquette

I was so drunk it was like trying to stick a flog into a Trocaire box...

beautiation

"Her moon-round, lunar-landscaped face was plastered in a folorn hope dressing of make-up. It sat blotchy on her face, but did not emphasise any beauty. Instead its loops in striking teacher's-correcting-pen colours around her features merely called attention to each part of her ugliness with comments like: "Wrong, wrong, ridiculous, awful, I don't even know what you were thinking there...", and ended up virtually stamping a huge big F on her forehead for all to see. If only she had hidden her work away obscured she might have kept its plain repellence quiet, but no, she just had to go and submit it for assessment, didn't she?"

ProjectColossus

Hopefully not posted already,

Regarding a fat girl:

"She's no stranger to a snack-box"

Anto McC

She'd a face like the underside of a jockeys bollox

Celtic67

Local fella walking away from the ATM empty handed

" Ah well, at least now I know how to spell insufficient"

Arthurdaly

"I just had a shi*t the size of Frank Brunos arm"

"I drank enough to sink two ships"

Mehh

ProjectColossus wrote: »

Hopefully not posted already,

Regarding a fat girl:

"She's no stranger to a snack-box"

I think that was a Billy Connolly one

"She's no stranger to a Fish Supper"

Another one I always liked was

"If I'd a bag of bruised willies, I wouldn't give her one"

Saint_Mel

She had a face like a plate of mortal sins
or
She's Bruce Lee's sister ... Ug ...

getz

outside a woman a book is the best thing --- inside its to dark to read

---

do other dogs think poodles are from a weird religious sect ?

kilk

said of a large lady: she's too much for one man and not enough for two!

lady pretending to be somebody important: all fur coat and no knickers!

"nostalgia isn't what it used to be," (billy connolly)

mayordenis

http://www.dangerhere.com/hallofguff/george_hamilton.php

THE ABOVE LINK IS VITAL TO YOUR EXISTENCE

abitlonely

mayordenis wrote: »

http://www.dangerhere.com/hallofguff/george_hamilton.php

Thanks, i hadn't read these in a while. My favourite from George is

“Italy are preparing to make a substitution - and it is, the unmistakable figure............of Roberto Baggio”
George announces the arrival on the pitch of..... Gianluca Vialli. Unfortunately, the two subs had got their shirts mixed up.

Here's another lad with the gift of the gab.
http://www.kerrydalestreet.com/page/Gordon+Strachan+-+Quotes?t=anon

iPlop

....shell.... wrote: »

heard from a fella....he looks as awkward as a straight guy in a gay parade

as straight as a roundabout

iPlop

she has more chins than a chinese phonebook

she has a face like a bulldog chewin' a wasp

shes a fcukin' spunk tank

shes a fcukin' spunk bucket

I had to throw flour at her to find the wet spot

she would eat c*ck off a conveyor belt

MarinoMark

thought I was great in bed till she told me she had asthma !!!

pseudonym1

Beauty is only a light switch away!

d22ontour

I wouldn't get up on her to get over a wall.

constitutionus

if said before forgive me.

"i'd leave her like a painters radio !"

and.

"last time i saw a face like that the whole herd had to be destroyed"

spurious

"It's only kinky the first time".

SmileyPaul

Originally Posted by Turd Ferguson
Porn is always goo to have, although you have to be really carefull. This one time I was fapping away and just as I was about to let loose I sneezed, and came and shat at the exact same time. I was in a coma for 3 weeks...

thanks turd ferguson..... I hope he was joking coz if not I just laughed my ass off to some very horrible circumstances

constitutionus

seen this on a T shirt

"i have the body of a GOD!.......

.................pity its buddha"

The_Minister

[Pedant] Buddha wasn't a God [/Pedant]

x Purple Pawprints x

Joey from Friends...
''I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face...''

Phoebe from Friends...
''You are like Santa Clause... on Prozac... at Disneyland... getting laid!!''

carlybabe1

I hope these aren't posted already, I was tryin to flick through the pages but had to stop when i felt a trickle down me leg


"I didn't know ye drank till I saw ye sober"

"If I had a GARDEN full of fannies, I wouldn't let ye look over the wall"


"Im so hungry I'd eat a horses arse through a barbed wire fence"

WOGGET

so i said to the guy, "i dont care if your in a wheelchair, i'll burn you anyway"

jiltloop

From the film Withnail and I, where a big fat guy is coming onto to a younger bloke and has him cornered in a bedroom: "I mean to have you, even if it's burglary!"

longshanks

my uncle was describing some fella to me years back and what he used get up to. i asked him if the fella was gay
'bent?' he said 'bent? if he swallowed a nail he'd shit a screw'

neaideabh

I'd rather Iron my sack.

this is wrong but lad back in school had a nasty scar on his face. people said about him that he had a face like a welders bench!

doonothing

Upon being approached by a lady of dubious aesthetic quality in a club, my friend said 'honey, even John Travolta wouldn't dance to your tune'

TPD

doonothing wrote: »

a lady of dubious aesthetic quality

Me likes that saying.

civis_liberalis

TPD wrote: »

Me likes that saying.

Me too.

I also referred to a girl once as being visually challenging.

tallus

The_Minister wrote: »

Well done.

You have absolutely BUTCHERED one of the greatest comebacks of all time.

Bravo sir.

I thought she had said to Churchill
"If you were my husband I'd poison your tea"
Churchill replied
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it"

Overheal

Johnny-5 to Unit-1 "Your Mother was a Snowblower!"