Overly-confident girls...

greenapplesea

Hi everyone,

I've been having a small issue lately and I was just wondering if anyone had any opinions about it.

My boyfriend and his best friend are very very close and spend alot of time together, so naturally when I'm visiting him in his home county I see alot this guy. When he got a new girlfriend of course I wanted to make a massive effort because I would be spending alot of time with her. At first we got on amazingly, everytime we went out we had great craic together and spent most of the time talking to each other rather than our boyfriends!

But lately I've started to get really annoyed being around her. She can be a lovely girl but I've noticed she is constantly putting people down, including me. At the weekend she basically said in so many words that I should consider dying my hair blond like her so that I would get more attention form men. She feels that because she is blond and has a quote "savage face" that even if she gained loads of weight it wouldn't matter because she'd still get the attention. She said that if I dyed my hair I would be noticed (obviously my face and bod are doing nothing for me at the moment!!)

Now she is a gorgeous girl, I can't take that away from her, stunning really. But I've started to notice that she will quite often refer to other girls as "dogs" if she feels they're not as gorgeous as her. She makes comments about any girl that either of our boyfriends mention, tearing them to shreds really! And I've now noticed that any of our male friends who get new girlfriends (there's a big group of us that socialise together) she openly points out their flaws and admits that she shouldn't have to be nice to them as she doesn't really feel like being nice and fake all the time.

I'm starting to worry as I don't want people painting us with the same brush, as we do spend alot of time together because of our boyfriends. I'm not an argumentative person and don't want to be causing an issue, especially since I have been heading up and down to his place for a number of years and have always gotten on with all my boyfriends friends. And of course I don't want to cause an issue with the boys because they have grown up together and would find this situation very awkward if it surfaced. In the last few months I've just realised that she isn't very nice to some people but I don't want to be the person bringing the issue to the forfront and accused of starting drama. I'm not naiive, I know everyone talks, but not to this nasty effect!

Has anybody got any advice? I realise it's a bit of a unique situation but I really just wanted a rant! But if anybody has been in a similar situation I'd really appreciate some input

Raze_them_all

secretly feed her weight gainer and put her theory to the test;)

LouOB

Sounds like a person who has relied alot on their looks and not developed a well rounded personality.
Once you are happy with yourself thats all that should matter
If you catch her doing it again, let her know whats what - you are happy with the way you are and if you wanted her opinion you would of asked for it.

Confident people are those who are happy within themselves.
They don't need to tear other down, it does nothing for them.

greenapplesea

Raze_them_all wrote: »

secretly feed her weight gainer and put her theory to the test;)

Ha ha that's gas! Very good idea

greenapplesea

LouOB wrote: »

Sounds like a person who has relied alot on their looks and not developed a well rounded personality.
Once you are happy with yourself thats all that should matter
If you catch her doing it again, let her know whats what - you are happy with the way you are and if you wanted her opinion you would of asked for it.

Yeah I'm happy enough, well by normal standards as a girl anyway I just thought that the whole bitching about other people in such a nasty way was an issue too because I didn't want other people thinking I was like that because I am with her quite alot. I feel I should say something but don't want to rock the boat if you know what I mean. I might just come across as the bitchy one then and be accused of maming problems. I mean, she's clearly not aware of what she's doing because that's just her manner.

Cathmandooo

She doesn't sound overly confident to me, she sounds like she's really insecure. From my own group of girls I've learned that the ones who have the looks and are able to attract the men are usually the ones who are the most insecure about themselves, which means they put down everyone around them. It's sad to see really.

I don't see what you can do as you're very bound to meeting up with her. Perhaps make positive comments about other people to her and it might influence her to see the good in people.

greenapplesea

Moonbaby wrote: »

Confident people are those who are happy within themselves.
They don't need to tear other down, it does nothing for them.

Yeah maybe deep down she's not that confident but that's a hard one to believe because she is always talking about how gorgeous she is/how many guys fancy her/how lovely and big her boobs are etc.

4bugny

It seems that girl has a low self esteem, as good looking as she is, and the only way to make herself feel better is to put down all those around her, including you!
I would feel sorry for her, shes obviously not happy within yourself. If you don't want to be tarred with the same brush, distance yourself from her on group nights out.

greenapplesea

Cathooo wrote: »

She doesn't sound overly confident to me, she sounds like she's really insecure. From my own group of girls I've learned that the ones who have the looks and are able to attract the men are usually the ones who are the most insecure about themselves, which means they put down everyone around them. It's sad to see really.

I don't see what you can do as you're very bound to meeting up with her. Perhaps make positive comments about other people to her and it might influence her to see the good in people.

Cathooo, thanks for this. I definately think it's worth a try. I've been up and down to this village for years now and I know what it's like to be the new girlfriend and have everyone turn and stare when you walk into the local! This is exactly why I made such an effort with her and why I try to be very considerate of new girlfriends coming into our group.

I think I'll put your theory into practice and see how it goes

greenapplesea

4bugny wrote: »

It seems that girl has a low self esteem, as good looking as she is, and the only way to make herself feel better is to put down all those around her, including you!
I would feel sorry for her, shes obviously not happy within yourself. If you don't want to be tarred with the same brush, distance yourself from her on group nights out.

Thanks 4bugny, it was something I'd considered. Unfortunately sometimes it is just us two girls out with a group of guys so it's natural that we spend the time together chatting. We have become quite close and I have only realised these issues lately and I'd hate her to feel like I was avoiding her. O could be subtle though and spend more time with the boys rather than sitting off to the side just with her.

stovelid

Just because she's good looking doesn't mean she isn't extremely insecure. She seems to even have you questioning yourself when in reality, she is probably intimidated by you and the other girls in the group.

Your relationship with your bf seems to have withstood the terrible handicap of you not having blond hair until now.

It's playground stuff. Don't let yourself be dragged into her games.

4bugny

greenapplesea wrote: »

Thanks 4bugny, it was something I'd considered. Unfortunately sometimes it is just us two girls out with a group of guys so it's natural that we spend the time together chatting. We have become quite close and I have only realised these issues lately and I'd hate her to feel like I was avoiding her. O could be subtle though and spend more time with the boys rather than sitting off to the side just with her.

Ya just imagine her then, she'll be bitchin' away about you to someone else 'cos shes jealous of how well you get on with the blokes............... ooohhh I've met her type before!!! :P

greenapplesea

4bugny wrote: »

Ya just imagine her then, she'll be bitchin' away about you to someone else 'cos shes jealous of how well you get on with the blokes............... ooohhh I've met her type before!!! :P

You know what?? This was totally something I had thought of but didn't want to say because I didn't want people thinking "oh she's one of those girls that gets on with all the lads"!!!! I've totally met her type too and it actually affected me. I had a best friend since I was nine, a guy, and every single one of his girlfriends that he had when we hit the teenage years hated me before they even met me! We're no longer friends unfortunately- he listened to one of these girlfriends and started "phasing me out". They didn't last but he never came back

greenapplesea

stovelid wrote: »

Just because she's good looking doesn't mean she isn't extremely insecure. She seems to even have you questioning yourself when in reality, she is probably intimidated by you and the other girls in the group.

Your relationship with your bf seems to have withstood the terrible handicap of you not having blond hair until now.

It's playground stuff. Don't let yourself be dragged into her games.

Thanks for that

It has lasted thankfully, the brunette thing seems to be working And I suppose the main reason why I didn't want to bring this up was because I was afraid of him thinking I was bitchy. There's something about guys- they can't sense a bitchy girl a mile away but when it's their own girlfriend doing the talking they're quite quick to point the finger!

trio

Possibly she's insecure, or possibly she just has an ego the size of a house.

Either way, I wouldn't say anything to her. I doubt it'd change to be honest, and you wouldn't have achieved anything except a) now she'd be distrustful of what you're thinking about her every time she opens her mouth, which could bring her bitchiness to aim (even more) at you, and b) the lads might find out and it might make the whole dynamic awkward.

Instead, everytime she says someone is a dog, you can say mildly "Oh I disagree, I think she's really nice looking". In other words, counter with positivity.

There are a couple of advantages to this. If anyone else, be it the lads or someone else is overhearing - you'll come across much better. And also, it nips the bitchiness in the bud without you having to have any confrontation with her. If she persists in saying "How can you think she's nice-looking?? Look at her arse/hair/face/whatever" you can just take another calm sip of your drink and answer "I just don't see her the same way, that's all - we can surely agree to disagree!"

Then CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Exact same response if she makes any of her unwelcome "suggestions" to you. Always counter with a laugh and a "Oh I love my hair colour/weight/clothes - I wouldn't want to be any other way and [insert boyfriends name] loves it!"

One thing though - stop thinking you have to like her. You don't. She's someone you have to be pleasant and friendly to on a social basis.

Start thinking of her as an acquaintance, rather than as a friend. It'll make you feel like she's not your problem, so much.

RxQueen

Had/ have a friend like this to OP, used to get on famously with her, but the constant need to say how beautiful she was and how she could have any guy got to me!.

I told her as much one day , but it didnt change the matter, so i just kinda took a step back , and dont really hang with her as much now.

like someone said just start thinking of her as an acquaintance.

LadyJ

Some people are just cúnts. Just because you have to endure her doesn't mean you have to be her friend. The best satisfaction you'll get is watching her try to combat time, time which will make a dripping candle out of her "savage face".

People who rely on their looks will always end up feeling worthless.

ali.c

trio wrote: »

Possibly she's insecure, or possibly she just has an ego the size of a house.

Either way, I wouldn't say anything to her. I doubt it'd change to be honest, and you wouldn't have achieved anything except a) now she'd be distrustful of what you're thinking about her every time she opens her mouth, which could bring her bitchiness to aim (even more) at you, and b) the lads might find out and it might make the whole dynamic awkward.

Instead, everytime she says someone is a dog, you can say mildly "Oh I disagree, I think she's really nice looking". In other words, counter with positivity.

There are a couple of advantages to this. If anyone else, be it the lads or someone else is overhearing - you'll come across much better. And also, it nips the bitchiness in the bud without you having to have any confrontation with her. If she persists in saying "How can you think she's nice-looking?? Look at her arse/hair/face/whatever" you can just take another calm sip of your drink and answer "I just don't see her the same way, that's all - we can surely agree to disagree!"

Then CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Exact same response if she makes any of her unwelcome "suggestions" to you. Always counter with a laugh and a "Oh I love my hair colour/weight/clothes - I wouldn't want to be any other way and [insert boyfriends name] loves it!"

One thing though - stop thinking you have to like her. You don't. She's someone you have to be pleasant and friendly to on a social basis.

Start thinking of her as an acquaintance, rather than as a friend. It'll make you feel like she's not your problem, so much.

+1 all really good ideas.

If you do want to say something to her, you could say something along the lines of "oh I prefer not to pass remarks on other people" or "sorry i have a policy of not bitching about people"

Clare Bear

I know the feeling OP. Not to that extreme but when you're going out with someone you have to make the effort with his friend's girlfriends whether you want to or not. Usually if someone isn't your kind of person you just avoid them but it's hard when you have to spend a lot of time with them. You don't want to come across as the bitch that won't socialise as much with them either so it's hard to know what to do. I know myself recently I'm getting sick of it but I just put up with them for his sake, like he has to put up with my friends (though my friends are amazing obviously! :pac:) but he rarely sees mine because they don't live in the same town so it's easy for him. It's just a case of grin and bear it. Be pleasant and if possible try to change the subject/disagree with her when she starts bitching and say you'd rather not bitch about people. She can take it or leave it. You're a saint for putting up with it for so long. Can't stand girls like that! What a miserable way to live your life.

metaoblivia

I sympathize, OP! Recently, I've been spending time with a girl who is actually very insecure about her looks (she's very tall and overweight), but is constantly putting other people down for how they look. She will often refer to everyone in whatever restaurant/pub/club we're in a "ugly" and "at the bottom of the rung." She even told another friend that we couldn't go some place better because I was wearing an ugly dress. And she's made comments to me such as, "I look so horrible tonight... I guess neither of us will be getting any attention."
Needless to say, I've stopped taking her calls! That sort of negativity is uncalled for. And I think it all boils down to insecurity.

Clare Bear

What a biatch. Just gotta show girls like that the door! (If you're lucky enough to be able to!)

humanji

I don't think I could ever take anyone seriously if they used the term "savage face". I'd just laugh at them.

tinkletoes

She seems very insecure. I would just change conversation and if that does not work say you have heard all this before and are tiring of hearing the same bitchy comments.

cson

Sing her "Trust me I'm a Doctor" by the Blizzards and then give her an injection of rohypnol.

We'll see how bitchy she is then :pac:

tallaght01

humanji wrote: »

I don't think I could ever take anyone seriously if they used the term "savage face". I'd just laugh at them.

That's exactly what was about to say!

You can't allow yourself to take any young person seriously that uses the word "savage" as an adjective in everyday conversation

Dragan

tallaght01 wrote: »

That's exactly what was about to say!

You can't allow yourself to take any young person seriously that uses the word "savage" as an adjective in everyday conversation

Hey screw you! I say savage all the time! Then again i am a culchie.:D

As for your one, i'd just tell her to shut the **** up.

I'm not so good at this group politics thing though.

greenapplesea

trio wrote: »

Possibly she's insecure, or possibly she just has an ego the size of a house.

Either way, I wouldn't say anything to her. I doubt it'd change to be honest, and you wouldn't have achieved anything except a) now she'd be distrustful of what you're thinking about her every time she opens her mouth, which could bring her bitchiness to aim (even more) at you, and b) the lads might find out and it might make the whole dynamic awkward.

Instead, everytime she says someone is a dog, you can say mildly "Oh I disagree, I think she's really nice looking". In other words, counter with positivity.

There are a couple of advantages to this. If anyone else, be it the lads or someone else is overhearing - you'll come across much better. And also, it nips the bitchiness in the bud without you having to have any confrontation with her. If she persists in saying "How can you think she's nice-looking?? Look at her arse/hair/face/whatever" you can just take another calm sip of your drink and answer "I just don't see her the same way, that's all - we can surely agree to disagree!"

Then CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

Exact same response if she makes any of her unwelcome "suggestions" to you. Always counter with a laugh and a "Oh I love my hair colour/weight/clothes - I wouldn't want to be any other way and [insert boyfriends name] loves it!"

One thing though - stop thinking you have to like her. You don't. She's someone you have to be pleasant and friendly to on a social basis.

Start thinking of her as an acquaintance, rather than as a friend. It'll make you feel like she's not your problem, so much.

Thanks Trio, some very good advice here which I am definately going to try out! I'll be up there the weekend after next and will definately be given the opportunity to use this great advice so will let you know how it goes!

greenapplesea

Clare Bear wrote: »

I know the feeling OP. Not to that extreme but when you're going out with someone you have to make the effort with his friend's girlfriends whether you want to or not. Usually if someone isn't your kind of person you just avoid them but it's hard when you have to spend a lot of time with them. You don't want to come across as the bitch that won't socialise as much with them either so it's hard to know what to do. I know myself recently I'm getting sick of it but I just put up with them for his sake, like he has to put up with my friends (though my friends are amazing obviously! :pac:) but he rarely sees mine because they don't live in the same town so it's easy for him. It's just a case of grin and bear it. Be pleasant and if possible try to change the subject/disagree with her when she starts bitching and say you'd rather not bitch about people. She can take it or leave it. You're a saint for putting up with it for so long. Can't stand girls like that! What a miserable way to live your life.

Thanks Clare Bear

I totally agree, there's no need for girls to be like this. It's girls like this that give us bad names and allow people to stereotype us as "bitchy". I know everybody talks but some people just take it to the extreme and it is a miserbale way to live your life, you're right.

Thanks for the advice! Will report back after I have been up there the weekend after next

Black Swan

There's a girl in the film "American Beauty" that seems similar to the one that you are having an issue with. She too is pretty, blond, and puts everyone down, but it backfires on her later in the film. Maybe the four of you could see the DVD sometime? Might make for interesting conversation after the film?

RichMc70

Out of pure nosy interest, where is his 'Home County'?