older song

kryogen

this song got has been in my mind to finish for at least 3 years now

Theres fighting in the streets
A war built on deceit
A mother shields her child
From seeing her father die
Was shot down in a hail
Sent into an early grave
How long will this go on?

Another bomb went off
20 people died
the tv showed their families
As they gathered round and cried
Woahhhhhhhh
How long can this go on?

When will all this suffering end
What do they think their gonna prove
They tell us they fight for
me and you
But did we ever ask them too?

The flags of peace cant fly
while little children die
this war is going on
inside of everyone
we've gotta stand up tall
all for one and one for all
how long can this go on?

When will all this suffering end
What do they think their gonna prove
They tell us they fight for me and you
But did we ever ask them to?
ever ask them to
no we never asked them to
never asked them to

song written long time ago, one of my better ones imo, have it recorded already but i have never felt like its finished

any ideas?

fast tempo obvious theme

Burial

I'd love to hear the recorded version and I got the fast tempo bit from just reading it and I enjoyed reading this song! Its very good! However, you want improvements, so I shall offer my opinions of this song. I like the "How long can this go on?" being repeated at the end of most verses.

First Verse:

You've made it 5 words per line, which is grand but is it necessary?
Your dealing with something that isn't structered to the ordinary person.
I don't now about reflecting it in the lyrics, but it's just a thought...

(This can be said for the entire song, I suppose) I think the first two lines were quality. The middle three not so much...

kryogen wrote: »

Theres fighting in the streets
A war built on deceit
A mother shields her child
From seeing her father die
Was shot down in a hail
Sent into an early grave
How long will this go on?

These go with the theme of the song, but I think they can be improved somewhat, maybe:
"A mother shields her child
From seeing her father die
Was shot down in a hail
[And] Sent to that early grave"

My reason for changing the last part, is not because I have a problem with it, rather it makes it feel this war/acts of terror was going on longer. Like the act of terror/war in the first part wasnt the first instance, just another act in there "campaign". It's like the mother/daughter are looking at the fathers grave and saying "Why is this still happening? or What did he die for?" Thats my take anyway on your line "Sent into an early grave"

As for the other lines, "A mother... in a hail":

"Was shot down in a hail" is something I'm not liking, but i don't know why or if it's even that line that I'm not liking....

The "A mother... in a hail", I guess those lines aren't wowing me as much as the opening two lines did...

Second Verse:

kryogen wrote: »

Another bomb went off
20 people died
the tv showed their families
As they gathered round and cried
Woahhhhhhhh
How long can this go on?

I find it offputting seeing the 20 there. Just make it twenty, unless having it in digit form has some meaning, I'm not getting...

I don't like the "Woahhhhh" bit. That could be changed, as to what, I'm not sure...

Third Verse:

kryogen wrote: »

When will all this suffering end
What do they think their gonna prove
They tell us they fight for
me and you
But did we ever ask them too?

When will all our suffering end
or
When will our constant suffering end

To me it feels more personal, and more towards the listener and matches with the rest of the verse.

Fourth Verse:

kryogen wrote: »

The flags of peace cant fly
while little children die
this war is going on
inside of everyone
we've gotta stand up tall
all for one and one for all
how long can this go on?

"we must stand up tall" --- Sounds more definate. Sounds as though it is the solution to this problem. Using words like "gotta" doesn't inspire me to help stop the violence. Must makes it feel as though its a definite solution involving me. (the listener)

Fifth Verse:

kryogen wrote: »

When will all this suffering end
What do they think their gonna prove
They tell us they fight for me and you
But did we ever ask them to?
ever ask them to
no we never asked them to
never asked them to

As I said before in the Third verse "When will all this suffering end", needs to be changed I feel to "When will all our suffering end" or something to that effect. It just sounds more personal.

I'm assuming that these line,

"But did we ever ask them to?
ever ask them to",

are made with the repeat part being sung by someone else and not the main singer... If so, here's how I put it:

"But did we ever ask them to?
ever want them to?",

It just feels as though its questioning their war/terror campaign more.

I also feel you could end on the lines:

"no we never asked, wanted
or needed them to"

This just feels more of a punch to end the song... It also sparks in the listeners mind, "well if none they didn't ask, want or need them to fight than whats the point?" Which is (I think) the essential message your getting across.

I have to say I even enjoyed picking at this song. A very, very nice effort, I must say! (again)

kryogen

i can send you the song on msn or something if you want burial? the woah part will make sense then im sure. let me know if you wanna hear it sure

thanks very much for the detailed reply, appreciate it. ill have a think about certain things you said but i flat out disagree with a couple of them lol

where would i upload the song to on the internet that you could listen to it if you know of anywhere? in case you dont wanna give/ or dont have msn!

Burial

Sorry! I'll add you this weekend, I swear! I just was way too busy!