career and children

john1963

hi folks, a nice dilema to have but one that is causing me sleepness nights. i worked as a second level teacher and quite enjoyed it although it was a tough school. left on secondment to a prestidious job with nearly 20 thousand extra.my problem is i have 2 young children and teaching was great in terms of time off and being with the children. i feel a bit guilty because my new job entails being away at times. money is not the issue. just wondering has anyone else experienced this type of situation or does anyone have views, thanks

jimmycrackcorm

I like most of the rest of us just get on with normal work routines so I don't need to feel guilty about the lack of time. I just have to make up for better quality time when I do have it.

littlebitdull

I would think that your own well being is as important as the childrens and as long as you ensure that the time you spend with them is indeed quality time I think you just have to live with the guilt.

Obivously your a woman as a man would never feel like that .... they just get on with their career ...

Kernel32

littlebitdull wrote: »

Obivously your a woman as a man would never feel like that .... they just get on with their career ...

I think that is a very infair statement. The OP didn't indicate if he/she was the mother or father. I am a father to two young children. My wife stays home with them and since having kids I have taken them into account in all my career choices. I could very easily spend 4 days a week working away from home working as a consultant but I choose not to. Instead I work from home a lot and keep my travel as infrequent as possible.

john1963

littlebitdull wrote: »

I would think that your own well being is as important as the childrens and as long as you ensure that the time you spend with them is indeed quality time I think you just have to live with the guilt.

Obivously your a woman as a man would never feel like that .... they just get on with their career ...

surprise surprise i am a man. was john1963 not a little hint. i love my kids and i love being with them. unfortunately some would call me unambitious but i wouls miss them

Sleepy

littlebitdull wrote: »

Obivously your a woman as a man would never feel like that .... they just get on with their career ...

That comment says far more about you than the men of this country, or perhaps just a lot about the company you keep.

I'm in the middle of warfare in work at the moment after telling them I wasn't prepared to travel outside the country during the last month of my girlfriends pregnancy and while I'm almost certainly damaging my career, I'm winning.

Other guys I work with have passed up significant promotional opportunities or are working below their talent level in order to maintain good working hours / lack of travel necessity to spend time with their children.

Ludo

littlebitdull wrote: »

Obivously your a woman as a man would never feel like that .... they just get on with their career ...

:eek: :rolleyes:

I'm speechless.

Kernel32

john1963 wrote: »

surprise surprise i am a man. was john1963 not a little hint. i love my kids and i love being with them. unfortunately some would call me unambitious but i wouls miss them

By the way, don't let my response or the others influence your decision. You know best based on your work situation and your family situation what a good balance is between the two. Being away sometimes can be ok as long as it's not for long stretchs and also you have the support of your partner. If she isn't on board with it then it can led to a very stressful situation.

But know that there are many of us men in situations where we struggle with choices like this and you aren't alone in it. In the work force in my opinion it is more accepted by men and women for a woman to take her family life into account in regards to her career than it is a man which can make it more difficult for a man when he does have a family he wants to spend as much time with as possible.

Quality

If you feel that your work/life balance is off, can you rearrange things to make it better.

Obviously 20k is a fair few bob, that can afford you more holidays etc with the kids.. Although you are probably restricted to the 4 weeks holidays a year, compared to teacher holidays..

Its a hard one to call.. Ultimately you have to decide.. if it is causing you distress being away from the family then I would really consider my options..

The pros- cons list can help in situations like this..

A list with the above two headings.. see how it balances out and decide from there.

Best of luck OP.

john1963

Thanks folks. its good to hear different views. because i have 2 boys i feel its important they have a good relationship with their father, when i was young my father worked long hours and we never saw him . i think that had a bad effect on my self esteem and i would hate that to happen to my boys. but i suppose quality time as opposed to just time is the key

lolly22

john1963 wrote: »

Thanks folks. its good to hear different views. because i have 2 boys i feel its important they have a good relationship with their father, when i was young my father worked long hours and we never saw him . i think that had a bad effect on my self esteem and i would hate that to happen to my boys. but i suppose quality time as opposed to just time is the key

And so you should feel that way john and its nice that you do.:)
Like you said its the quality time you have with them thats important and Im sure they will be glad of it, as its clear your a loving dad (not a woman:p).Its tough situation for alot of parents but if you try work around it that you do get that time with your boys and stick with the job ,things do get easier;)

LolaDub

I think its normal for any parent who has to spend time away from their kids to feel bad about it. Possibly because of your own childhood you're more aware of the damage an absentee father can do but it sounds like despite the huge advancement in your career that you're very family focused which is wonderful. Do you have much of a daily rountine for seeing them? You could always leave them a note at the breakfast table or phone during the day, etc

In all honesty i think all we can do as parents is put our best foot forward for our children. Probably most of us wish our parents had done things differently but nobody can predict the future just do the best you can.

littlebitdull

To answer a few questions ....

.... I have yet to meet a man who when asked to introduce/tell about himself did not start with ... I am a scientist/doctor/mechanic/engineer "insert ocupation of your choice". In my experience what men do is who they are/how they define themselves....And perhaps due to the fact that I am quite well educated myself I do only meet with men who strive to excell within their careers. All of the men I know are in careers - not jobs. And all of them put it first and foremost.

John as part of a user name is no giveaway to the posters gender - after all it could just as easyily be the name of the persons child.

...John1963 .... are you sure your dilema is not based more on the fact that you are moving from a comfortable job - with no productivity levels to meet - no testing on yourself - after all should your pubils fail their exams its a judgement on them not you or your teaching skills?

Can you look yourself in the eye and honestly say that your worries are not based on moving out of your comfort zone into the unknown? Can you honestly say you are not looking for an out?

Even the most hard working parent can still be a good parent, its still down to quality time.

john1963

littlebitdull wrote: »

To answer a few questions ....

.... I have yet to meet a man who when asked to introduce/tell about himself did not start with ... I am a scientist/doctor/mechanic/engineer "insert ocupation of your choice". In my experience what men do is who they are/how they define themselves....And perhaps due to the fact that I am quite well educated myself I do only meet with men who strive to excell within their careers. All of the men I know are in careers - not jobs. And all of them put it first and foremost.

John as part of a user name is no giveaway to the posters gender - after all it could just as easyily be the name of the persons child.

...John1963 .... are you sure your dilema is not based more on the fact that you are moving from a comfortable job - with no productivity levels to meet - no testing on yourself - after all should your pubils fail their exams its a judgement on them not you or your teaching skills?

Can you look yourself in the eye and honestly say that your worries are not based on moving out of your comfort zone into the unknown? Can you honestly say you are not looking for an out?

Even the most hard working parent can still be a good parent, its still down to quality time.

I find your comments very offensive, most people define themselves in terms of their career when asked what they do. However that does not diminish their love or care for their families.
Your comments about teaching are equally offensive. i can tell you the job i do now is alot easier than teaching. i was a highly motivated teacher and although i worked in a difficult school i always did my best. i, like other teachers had many inspections and they are published on the dept. of education website. very few workers have that level of accountability. If my issue was about working conditions and not family i would have said so.

Nevyn

OK no need to get personal please.

Yes time have changed and many fathers see that they should have a bigger role in the rearing of thier children rather then working 50/60 hours and coming home to sit in front of the tv and buggerng of to watch/play sport at the weekend.

Juggling the various 'needs' of a family is hard esp with so many people being expected to work non family friendly, non flexible hours, with long commutes so that they only see thier child for less then an hour a day.

needadvice

John I absolutely salute you my husband thinks like you and your children will never be sorry

needadvice

I was sitting on the fence. You asked a question and to give my honest opnion for what its worth; everything in family life seems to come down to balancing an equation between time and money. We seem not be able to have both. You were happy as you were I gather and twenty grand won't give you back these years you'll just buy better versions of what you have already . To any parent who's values are as yours are your motivation is very clear and noble. Follow your heart its never wrong.

john1963

needadvice wrote: »

I was sitting on the fence. You asked a question and to give my honest opnion for what its worth; everything in family life seems to come down to balancing an equation between time and money. We seem not be able to have both. You were happy as you were I gather and twenty grand won't give you back these years you'll just buy better versions of what you have already . To any parent who's values are as yours are your motivation is very clear and noble. Follow your heart its never wrong.

thank you for your advice. i really appreciate it. you are 100 % correct. my wife was anxious that i try the new job because sometimes the teaching was stressful. but to be honest time with my family is worth more to me

needadvice

Whatever you choose you won't be wrong your guided by the right principles your family are incredibly lucky

lostinnappies

littlebitdull wrote: »

To answer a few questions ....

.... I have yet to meet a man who when asked to introduce/tell about himself did not start with ... I am a scientist/doctor/mechanic/engineer "insert ocupation of your choice". .

You obviously havent met that many men then? My Hubby when asked about himself begins with his name, the fact he's married to me and that he has two kids. He never mentions his occupation until asked. I know he also feels that he is missing out on their important years by working full time and having to go away on occasion. But then he has the "novelty" factor with the kids, they see me all day and get bored of silly old mommy. But as soon as Daddy comes in the door its all smiles and hugs and telling him about the BORING day they had lol. So in a way he kinda gets the fun bit of the day.

Plus whenever a mile stone happens (first step) i dont tell him so that when he comes back from work and it happens again he feels like he doesnt miss out. I know its not the same thing but he knows no different and it makes him feel like he can go to work and not worry that he isnt there for his kids.:)

b3t4

I am not a parent but I can appreciate the guilt you feel.

How old are your kids?

One thing I think parents forget is that they are important too. A happy and fulfilled parent is just as important. If the career move is something that will make you happier then I say go for it.

Also, remember that one day the little ones will grow up and move on. Wrapping your life solely up in theirs will make their moving on all that harder.

A.