Just a few!(not for the faint hearted)

kmart6 · 05-09-2008 12:13pm #1

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where St.Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, "Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're s***ting in the bed!"
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A drunk man stumbles through the front door of a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, sorry buddy, we don't serve drunks here." And the drunk leaves.

Five minutes later, the same man comes in through the back door; and again, the bartender, a little angry by now, says, "Hey, I thought I told you, we don't serve drunks here, so please leave!" The drunk leaves again.

Five minutes later, The same man comes in through the side door this time. The bartender is furious by this time and shouts, "SIR, FOR THE LAST TIME, WE DON'T SERVE DRUNKS HERE, SO GET OUT!!"

The drunk looks at the bartender and says, "Jesus Christ, do you work at every f***ing bar in town?"
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One day a boxer and his stunning girlfriend walk into a bar. The boxer heads off to the toilet, handing a €20 note to his missus and asks her to get him a pint, and whatever she wants.

Whilst she's at the bar, a scrawny little man approaches her, and the conversation goes something along the lines of:

Scrawny little man: You're absolutely stunning, I'd really like to take you out for dinner.

Stunning girlfriend: Sorry, I'm already taken.

Scrawny little man: Hang on a sec, I've not finished - after dinner, I'd like to take you home, cover you in chocloate sauce and lick it off.

Stunning girlfriend: Seriously, I've got a boyfriend, and I'm not interested.

Scrawny little man: Wait wait, I've not finished - then I want to fill your pussy up with beer and drink it with a straw.

At this point the boxer returns from the toilet...

Stunning girlfriend: This scrawny little twat wants to take me out for dinner.

Boxer: Sorry mate, she's spoken for (looking a little annoyed, that his missus is being cracked onto).

Stunning girlfriend: Wait, then he wants cover me in chocolate sauce and lick it off.

Boxer: Right, that does it, you're in for a pasting (as he rolls up his sleaves and the little vein in his temple starts to pulse).

Stunning girlfriend: Wait, I'm not finished yet, then he wants to fill my pussy with beer and drink it with a straw.

At this point the boxer unrolls his sleeves and turns to walk away.

Stunning girlfriend: What are you doing, I thought you were going to kill this pathetic little runt.

Boxer: Look love, I'm not messing with anyone who can drink that much beer.
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A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You WANKER... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother!".

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."