Wednesday Quickies

rocky25

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

The owner said, 'How flexible are you?'

I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said,

"That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry sir.” said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.

He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.

The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge", whispered Mildred.

"What", said Marge?

"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.” said Mildred.

"What makes you think that", asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge,

"At our age we've seen them all."

"I thought so", said Mildred,

"But this one is eating my popcorn."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says,

"When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot.

When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."


The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies,

"Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home,

Grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two,

"I don't have time for this. I've got to go shag the cat."

~~~~~~~~~~
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked,

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir."

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir."

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

coldfire1x

shag the cat

lol good one

dh0661

Excellent Rocky, where do you get them ?.

Plug

Shag the cat was funny:D

dh0661

Plug wrote: »

Shag the cat was funny:D

Leave my pussy alone :mad:.

fred funk }{

Excellent as usual mate

Insect Overlord

First one still has me smiling

Beano

dh0661 wrote: »

Excellent Rocky, where do you get them ?.

well he got the first one from Tommy Cooper.

rocky25

Beano wrote: »

well he got the first one from Tommy Cooper:D.

It was a variation of a Tommy Cooper (Genius) Joke:D

Tommy's one was,



" I rang the local Gym today"

I said " Is that the local Gym?"

He said " That depends...............where are you calling from"?:)




:pac: Ah Ha Ha Ha..........Just like that

Beano

rocky25 wrote: »

It was a variation of a Tommy Cooper (Genius) Joke:D

Tommy's one was,



" I rang the local Gym today"

I said " Is that the local Gym?"

He said " That depends...............where are you calling from"?:)




:pac: Ah Ha Ha Ha..........Just like that

He also did the exact same joke you had in the OP. I still laugh every time i hear it.