Do you believe asexuality exists?

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 1:31pm #1

I'm a woman in my mid-30s and have never been in a proper relationship. I have had what I would call romantic crushes on guys, but things never progressed beyond a few dates. I have never felt sexual desire for anyone. I've had some sexual experiences but been utterly bored during them and tbh find the guy repellent the morning after - I just find it somehow demeaning. I do like hugs and cuddles, but am extremely uncomfortable when things move on from that.

I only recently came across the concept of asexuality and it just seems to tick so many boxes for me. I so much identify with one person's comment on it - sex is like algebra - I get the concept but its nothing I can get excited about.

But - I'm wondering if deciding I'm asexual is a cop-out on my part. Does anyone else out there think asexuality is real, or do you think its a problem that needs to be fixed?

I did go to counselling for a little while, but found it useless really. Just a lot of talking about my relationship with my father but I still felt exactly the same about everything at the end of it.

Is there anyone else there who is asexual?

Should I "come out" to my friends & family? (I'm so sick of having to pretend to be interested in finding a boyfriend/husband!)

Am I destined to be lonely? Do you think there is any chance of finding a partner that might want to have an asexual relationship with me?

I'm really getting fed up of my situation in life and all the pretence. Sorry I have gone on so long about it. Its the first time I've acknowledged this reality to myself.

Marksie · 17-09-2008 1:50pm

No i do not personally believe people are asexual.

I believe you have desexualised yourself: for whatever reason you have disconnected emotionally and physically from your sexual self.

THis is something you will have to explore yourself and with proper guidance to see where it stems from.

Your talking of disgust following sexual encounters is a really strong indication that you have ruthlessly supressed your sexuality or have had it supressed for you... it is not in fact disgust at teh men, but at yourself in reality. For whatever reason, it is because something has happened and not a natural occurrance

If you were consciously celibate and happy with that, then you would not really be here. But its obvious you have doubts
In acknowledging this to yourself, you have taken the first step in resolving it.

Continue the process

Wagon · 17-09-2008 1:53pm

WhatamI wrote: »

But - I'm wondering if deciding
Am I destined to be lonely? Do you think there is any chance of finding a partner that might want to have an asexual relationship with me?

No. Hardly any hope. Go to councelling and see what you can find out. It's very unusual.

enda1 · 17-09-2008 1:56pm

Why do you need to be lonely? Try just making friends. If you have no sexual desire than you are not lonely for sexual contact I guess so you are just lonely for a person to share feelings and time with. Try forming a closer relationship with some friends of yours maybe?

How about adopting a kid or a pet?

This is probably going to sound stupid but I presume you are not at all interested in Women sexually? Have you explored the thought at all? I'm sorry if that offends in any way.

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 2:01pm

Marksie wrote: »

Your talking of disgust following sexual encounters is a really strong indication that you have ruthlessly supressed your sexuality or have had it supressed for you... it is not in fact disgust at teh men, but at yourself in reality.

Why do you draw this conclusion that I have supressed my sexuality? How do you know I have supressed it rather than it not being there at all? I'm not arguing with you, I just am trying to figure it out - how can you/I know this?

Usually, if you try to supress something thats there, it'll find its way out somehow in some form.

And why I mentioned being repelled - if you had a guy you had only just begun to know, all over your personal space, taking over all the bed, snoring loudly, kinda stinky after it all - wouldn't you be a tiny bit turned off too? Lol!

Boston · 17-09-2008 2:03pm

I've come across a couple people who claimed at one stage to be asexual. Usually it was an attempt on their part not to deal with sexual feelings. Being sexually involved with someone made them feel uncomfortable an vulnerable. They took no pleasure from it and sabotaged any opportunity for intimacy that came along. Being asexual was a simple answer which meant they didn't have to look at the reason they felt uncomfortable, its just is what it is.

Maybe you are asexual, It doesn't sound like you are. If you where you wouldn't desire hugs and cuddles. You also wouldn't be repulsed by someone the next morning as this suggest strong negative sexual feelings which an asexual person wouldn't have. They wouldn't feel anything the next morning, neither repulsion nor attraction.

17-09-2008 2:05pm

Yes, I have a couple of asexual friends.
They have never felt the need to hide this from anyone, it is just how they are.
Do you feel that your family and friends are pressuring you into having relationships?

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 2:06pm

enda1 wrote: »

Why do you need to be lonely? Try just making friends. If you have no sexual desire than you are not lonely for sexual contact I guess so you are just lonely for a person to share feelings and time with. Try forming a closer relationship with some friends of yours maybe?

How about adopting a kid or a pet?

This is probably going to sound stupid but I presume you are not at all interested in Women sexually? Have you explored the thought at all? I'm sorry if that offends in any way.

I do have close friends and pets, but I know I don't have what someone in a marriage has (leaving aside the sex part) - ie someone there all the time, someone to share your life with. But on the other hand, I know relationships have their own stresses so maybe it all evens out!

I don't know about your question about women. When I look at an attractive woman, I feel the same way I do when I look at an attractive man - I admire their physical appearance, and am inclined to look at them longer than I would an unattractive person. But as I said, I'd do the same looking at a goodlooking guy!

Dudess · 17-09-2008 2:09pm

Marksie wrote: »

No i do not personally believe people are asexual.

Why do you believe everyone is a sexual being, Mark?

If you were consciously celibate and happy with that, then you would not really be here. But its obvious you have doubts
In acknowledging this to yourself, you have taken the first step in resolving it.

But maybe the OP is here because she feels uncomfortable with the fact she's not interested in intimate relations (and let's face it, this society is gonna do that to her) and she just wants to share her anxieties...

WhatamI wrote: »

And why I mentioned being repelled - if you had a guy you had only just begun to know, all over your personal space, taking over all the bed, snoring loudly, kinda stinky after it all - wouldn't you be a tiny bit turned off too? Lol!

You wouldn't pay much attention to those things if you were attracted to him.

Boston wrote: »

Maybe you are asexual, It doesn't sound like you are. If you where you wouldn't desire hugs and cuddles.

But that's not necessarily sexual...

You also wouldn't be repulsed by someone the next morning as this suggest strong negative sexual feelings which an asexual person wouldn't have. They wouldn't feel anything the next morning, neither repulsion nor attraction.

Good point.

I know a number of people who really just do not seem like sexual people - and they have never been with anyone (to my knowledge) so this has caused me to consider asexuality might be an orientation.

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 2:10pm

Moonbaby wrote: »

Yes, I have a couple of asexual friends.
They have never felt the need to hide this from anyone, it is just how they are.
Do you feel that your family and friends are pressuring you into having relationships?

My family don't ever discuss it with me - I suspect they think I'm gay and are afraid to ask! LOL!

But yes, my friends are always on about me meeting someone. They get completely overexcited if I say I met a nice guy. They have suggested I get therapy because they think my parent's relationship (which was not good) may have affected me.

Fanny Cradock · 17-09-2008 2:19pm

Well, research seems to agree that there are small percentage of a population that could be defined as asexual. Wiki has an interesting page on asexuality, and further reading shows that the term 'asexual' is not as black and white as you would thing.

Still, no one here can say for sure if what you are experiencing is asexuality or what might be the cause, if anything. No harm in seeing a pro about this.

StormWarrior · 17-09-2008 2:21pm

If you are happy with being asexual and don't feel like you're missing out on anything, then why let it worry you? If you're sure you're happy this way then just tell your friends and family you don't want a boyfriend next time they ask. You could always become a nun if you don't want to explain your asexuality to people! Plus this way you don't get any of the complications that sex & relationships bring. Couldn't live without blokes myself.

blah · 17-09-2008 2:23pm

WhatamI wrote: »

And why I mentioned being repelled - if you had a guy you had only just begun to know, all over your personal space, taking over all the bed, snoring loudly, kinda stinky after it all - wouldn't you be a tiny bit turned off too? Lol!

Well, I'm a guy, but if I was with a girl in the same situation, I wouldn't be turned off. I wouldn't be surprised if she turned out to hog the bed or be a bit sweaty after the deed. I'd probably go in for seconds.

Boston wrote: »

I've come across a couple people who claimed at one stage to be asexual. Usually it was an attempt on their part not to deal with sexual feelings.

I've also encountered a person like this, it was just a way of not dealing with unresolved issues.

I think you should get counselling and explore these issues

Karen_* · 17-09-2008 2:28pm

OP are you very unhappy with the way you are? Because you seem to have found a sort of acceptance and you don't seem to want to find a sexuality. Because I think if it ain't broke then don't try to fix it just to fit in with what you feel you should be.

Of course its possible to be asexual just as some people are hetero sexual, bisexual and homosexual.

You might not be asexual at all and. you may have a hormone deficiency or emotional issues.

Marksie · 17-09-2008 2:30pm

WhatamI wrote: »

Why do you draw this conclusion that I have supressed my sexuality? How do you know I have supressed it rather than it not being there at all? I'm not arguing with you, I just am trying to figure it out - how can you/I know this?

I said it was my belief

... its hard to draw definitive conclusions from online

But in looking at what you have written OP.

WhatamI wrote: »

They have suggested I get therapy because they think my parent's relationship (which was not good) may have affected me.

and the feelings of disgust that you felt in sexual encounters are some evidence of the possibility.

Everyone is born an inherently sexual person OP, its what happens to us that determines where it goes.

So from that aspect it is repressing your desires..the reasons i dont know..only you can detremine that

Dudess wrote: »

Why do you believe everyone is a sexual being, Mark?
.

The quote above about being born inherently sexual dudess and it being how we are influenced as we develop and become more aware whether that sexuality is expressed or repressed

However, to go into a discussion here may drag this slowly but surely off topic. nature versus nurture and all that

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 2:35pm

In my own world, I'm quite content - ie I love my job, I have friends, lots of hobbies. I'm busy and take on challenges and go out and all that kind of thing.

But I do have this huge sense of shame, like there is something wrong with me, that I'm in adequate somehow because I have no sexuality.

I think the reason I posted is I don't know what to work on - do I try to make myself feel better and not shameful about my life? Or do I try to "fix" this, and make myself go out and meet people - fake it till I make it?

As I said, I tried counselling before and it didn't resolve anything. Although, we mostly focussed on the fact I didn't enjoy sex, rather than the fact, I didn't even want to enjoy sex (if that makes sense!).

Marksie · 17-09-2008 2:44pm

WhatamI wrote: »

I think the reason I posted is I don't know what to work on - do I try to make myself feel better and not shameful about my life? Or do I try to "fix" this, and make myself go out and meet people - fake it till I make it?

There is a simple adage or two that apply:

"before you can love someone else love yourself "and "know yourself in entirety."

faking it until you make it will not work... as we don't fully knwo for sure what needs fixing, if anything
So work on the "whys" and then when you will know in yourself where you are coming from.
It is then simply a matter of conscious choice where you want to go.

Wibbs · 17-09-2008 2:45pm

Marksie wrote: »

No i do not personally believe people are asexual.

I believe you have desexualised yourself: for whatever reason you have disconnected emotionally and physically from your sexual self.

THis is something you will have to explore yourself and with proper guidance to see where it stems from.

Your talking of disgust following sexual encounters is a really strong indication that you have ruthlessly supressed your sexuality or have had it supressed for you... it is not in fact disgust at teh men, but at yourself in reality. For whatever reason, it is because something has happened and not a natural occurrance

If you were consciously celibate and happy with that, then you would not really be here. But its obvious you have doubts
In acknowledging this to yourself, you have taken the first step in resolving it.

Continue the process

OK IMHO, May I respectfully disagree with pretty much all of that.

Just because you are a sexual being does not mean everyone is. Not by a long shot. Clearly your bag tends to be sexuality, tantra etc and fair play. It wouldn't be my bag, I would consider it hocus pocus and imagination mostly and that's fair play to me too. I could even call it as an over compensation for a skewed early sex life where people try to find meaning in the bloody obvious. That would be equally wrong of me. I work on the simple principle of whatever floats your boat and just because it may not float my boat, it doesn't mean it's wrong for another person.

Your view would not be that far removed from someone saying "No i do not personally believe people are homosexual, and the reason they go for the same sex is because they desexualised themselves to the opposite sex". Which would clearly be utter nonsense.

If society in the morning decided that homosexuality was the "norm", I'm sure I would feel uncomfortable after such an encounter. Same if a gay bloke was trying to fit in by sleeping with a woman. Would he be repressing his true sexuality? Would that guy be "disgusted at himself" because his sexuality is not mainstream. Eh that would be a no to both then.

Asexuality is more common than people realise. It just happens to be part of the rainbow and sliding scale of human sexuality. Ive known men and women with very variable sex drives. Some very high some very low. Indeed in my experience I would say beyond the bravado and the expectations that we should be at it like gimped up rabbits, a large proportion of people are actually quite low level about sex. Fair enough too. I could only see that as a problem where there was a mismatch between partners.

I would only take real issue if it was disturbing the OP. From what I'm reading the main issue she has is that the expectation that she should dig it more is getting to her. She has gone to therapy and so far it did nothing for her. Maybe try another run at it, get a medical/hormonal check just to rule that out. And if it all comes back that you're "normal" and you're truly happy within yourself(as much as any of us can be) then don't worry too much about it IMHO.

Things can change overnight or you may meet a guy(or gal) that is at the same level as you. You may be surprised enough to find that would not be that unusual. An ex GF of mine was not far from your level of sexual need. She loved the cuddling etc but the sex part was for my benefit. She had orgasms etc, but just wasn't that pushed. I found out from her latterly that she's been with a guy for 5 years now and he's the same and they're both happy.

OP seek your own path that makes you content.

metaoblivia · 17-09-2008 2:47pm

OP, I think you could be asexual, but I think you also owe it to yourself to explore the matter more completely, so that there are no doubts.

Gyalist · 17-09-2008 2:51pm

OP, I read this interesting article in last week's Guardian. Perhaps you may find it helpful.

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 2:58pm

Gyalist wrote: »

OP, I read this interesting article in last week's Guardian. Perhaps you may find it helpful.

Thanks! Actually, that was the article that got me thinking that I might be asexual. Up till I read it, I always shared Marksie's view that I was repressing something or that there was something wrong with me.

It would be such a relief to just put sex aside and say this is just the way I am! But most people here seem to be suggesting more therapy before I do that. So - thanks to all for the advice - I guess I should try that. Its just so hard to find a good therapist/counsellor.

Anyway - thanks for the input, its been helpful.

fits · 17-09-2008 3:10pm

I dont think the disgust necessarily stems from repression. I think most people would feel something approaching disgust if engaging sexually with someone they're not attracted to on a physical level

Is it possible that the OP has just never met anyone who floated her boat sexually?

Forcing the issue with someone where the attraction is absent is only going to make it worse as well.

Marksie · 17-09-2008 3:24pm

Wibbs wrote: »

OK IMHO, May I respectfully disagree with pretty much all of that. .

Of course

Wibbs wrote: »

Just because you are a sexual being does not mean everyone is. Not by a long shot. Clearly your bag tends to be sexuality, tantra etc and fair play. It wouldn't be my bag, I would consider it hocus pocus and imagination mostly and that's fair play to me too. I could even call it as an over compensation for a skewed early sex life where people try to find meaning in the bloody obvious. That would be equally wrong of me. I work on the simple principle of whatever floats your boat and just because it may not float my boat, it doesn't mean it's wrong for another person..

No i would disagree, we are born inherently sexual, i would disgaree that its purely a gene driven function too and that all we do thereafter is taken from that context.
Its also too bleak a world view IMO

Wibbs wrote: »

Your view would not be that far removed from someone saying "No i do not personally believe people are homosexual, and the reason they go for the same sex is because they desexualised themselves to the opposite sex". Which would clearly be utter nonsense. ..

I agree, its utter nonsense, as its not my view.

Wibbs wrote: »

If society in the morning decided that homosexuality was the "norm", I'm sure I would feel uncomfortable after such an encounter. Same if a gay bloke was trying to fit in by sleeping with a woman. Would he be repressing his true sexuality? Would that guy be "disgusted at himself" because his sexuality is not mainstream. Eh that would be a no to both then..

It would in fact be yes.
If society decided homosexuality was the norm you would feel uncomfortable because you would be repressing your nature.
Yes a gay man may very well be repressing his sexuality by fitting into what is belived ie heterosexual.
But your argument is contradictory. He very well may feel disgusted with himself becasue he has not come to terms with his sexual nature.
Or am i missing the point?

Wibbs wrote: »

Asexuality is more common than people realise. It just happens to be part of the rainbow and sliding scale of human sexuality. Ive known men and women with very variable sex drives. Some very high some very low. Indeed in my experience I would say beyond the bravado and the expectations that we should be at it like gimped up rabbits, a large proportion of people are actually quite low level about sex. Fair enough too. I could only see that as a problem where there was a mismatch between partners. .

Hang on sex drive and being asexual are two different things surely. Sex drive is just that... your desire to have sex.
Being asexual is a matter of having no sexuality..thats a different matter.

So there is confusion here in what the terms mean..unless i have totally lost the run of myself

.

Wibbs wrote: »

I would only take real issue if it was disturbing the OP. From what I'm reading the main issue she has is that the expectation that she should dig it more is getting to her. She has gone to therapy and so far it did nothing for her. Maybe try another run at it, get a medical/hormonal check just to rule that out. And if it all comes back that you're "normal" and you're truly happy within yourself(as much as any of us can be) then don't worry too much about it IMHO. .

I believe it is worrying her Wibbs. Its more complex as yes the pressure to conform and fake it til you make it is there which aint going to work.

But i do agree with your last statement but that will require IMO a real good look at where its all stemming from.

Wibbs wrote: »

Things can change overnight or you may meet a guy(or gal) that is at the same level as you. You may be surprised enough to find that would not be that unusual. An ex GF of mine was not far from your level of sexual need. She loved the cuddling etc but the sex part was for my benefit. She had orgasms etc, but just wasn't that pushed. I found out from her latterly that she's been with a guy for 5 years now and he's the same and they're both happy. .

look i think boston put it better: the string negative sexual reactions are not those of someone "asexual" or with a low sex drive. Its *indicative* of something more.
Cuddles etc are in my mind more about intimacy.

Wibbs wrote: »

OP seek your own path that makes you content.

THAT we can agree on

.

Edit: I think i aluded to it in a previous post and as you have mentioned it yourself i will reiterate. I do not believe that there is necessarily anything "wrong" with you or that it needs "fixing".
If you can exlude possible reasonings then it would less doubt and you would be sure in going where you want to go

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 3:26pm

@ O.P.

Yes I do believe it exists. I feel pretty much the same way as you do. I'm a man in my 20s and have come to the realisation over the last few months that I am asexual. I never really considered it before, but it seems to make sense to me now. Basically, sexual contact with other people does not appeal to me at all. I've always felt different from my friends and until recently I couldn't pinpoint exactly why. Most of the time, when I've pursued relationships I've done it simply to fit in. I'm sometimes attracted to women, but only in a romantic way, never in a sexual way at all (I realise most people won't recognise the distinction there). Through the years I've always thought that my feelings would change if I "met the right person", but to be honest I've met loads of perfectly good women and I've never been sexually attracted to any of them. I'm not attracted to men either, before anyone asks. The strange thing is I do have a sex drive, but just not in relation to other people and I can't change that just by wishing it to be so.

As for people who deny that asexuality even exists; it's all too easy to criticise people who are different, by reasoning that everyone must feel the same way that you do. It's very hard to some to terms with a lack of sexual desire when society places so much importance on sex & relationships as our ultimate goal in life. But, it would be pretty hard for me to have a sexual relationship with anyone else without resorting to Viagra on a constant basis. I would imagine that there are plenty of asexual people out there in relationships who are just going with the flow. I wish asexuality was more openly discussed in society, as it stands there seems to be a real stigma about it.

I'm generally a happy person, with a successful career and plenty of friends. My asexuality doesn't bother me most of the time, but I do get lonely from time to time and I wish I could be in the kind of relationship that some of my friends have, but I just don't think that it's possible for me. I don't think my friends or family have any idea about my sexuality and I wish I didn't have to keep feigning interest in sex and relationships, but it just seems easier to try and conform than not.

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 4:27pm

OP, have you been checked for a physical problem eg hormone imbalance etc, before giving up on ever trying it, I would check that out. It could be something easily fixed.

If you dont try first and just give up on it you'll never know what you missed. At least if you try you can say you didnt lose anything by trying.

Thats my 2 cents, other than that I agree with Marksie all the way, he says it better than me though!

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 4:42pm

Thanks for your post Asexual Man - it is really good to hear from someone who feels the same way as me.

When I was your age, it didn't bother me too much either as usually I wasn't the only one who was single. But now, in my mid-30s, when all my friends are settling down, having babies, and aren't as available to hang out with, it is a bit more difficult to present yourself to the world as "normal".

Do you intend to continue feigning an interest in sex & relationships, or do you think you will tell the truth?

Personally, I don't think I want to continue pretending to want what they all have. It would be great to get some support from the people who are closest to me for who I really am.

But as has been suggested, maybe I need to try therapy again before I decide on this.

Dudess · 17-09-2008 4:44pm

OP, has anything ever turned you on? Do you know what sexual arousal is like at all?

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 4:54pm

Dudess wrote: »

OP, has anything ever turned you on? Do you know what sexual arousal is like at all?

Well, this is where I'll confuse you. Yes, I can feel aroused very occasionally (maybe once or twice a year), usually by a sex scene on tv or in a book I'm reading. I would masturbate then and thats that.

I've never ever been turned on by a real, live human being who is physically there with me.

Actually, now that I think about it, the sex scenes I would find most arousing would be between men! Hmm...I think Brokeback Mountain is on Film4 again soon...lol!

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 5:19pm

Serious question. Do asexual people masturbate?

LegacyUser · 17-09-2008 5:37pm

WhatamI wrote: »

Thanks for your post Asexual Man - it is really good to hear from someone who feels the same way as me.

When I was your age, it didn't bother me too much either as usually I wasn't the only one who was single. But now, in my mid-30s, when all my friends are settling down, having babies, and aren't as available to hang out with, it is a bit more difficult to present yourself to the world as "normal".

Do you intend to continue feigning an interest in sex & relationships, or do you think you will tell the truth?

Personally, I don't think I want to continue pretending to want what they all have. It would be great to get some support from the people who are closest to me for who I really am.

But as has been suggested, maybe I need to try therapy again before I decide on this.

I don't really plan on keeping it secret all my life, but I don't plan some kind of grand coming out to everyone either. I feel like I'm going to tell someone soon, but I'll most likely keep it to my closest friends. But to be honest I doubt that most of my friends will get where I'm coming from and understand how I'm feeling. As evidenced by some of the reactions here on the board, people seem to thing that there's something wrong with someone who doesn't want sex or feel sexually attracted to others. I suppose what I'm looking for is acceptance and understanding, something I'm unlikely to get from some of my friends. I can only imagine the questions that coming out as an asexual would lead to and I don't want to have to justify myself to all and sundry.

I can see how it'll only get worse as I get older, for the reasons that you mentioned and that's what depresses me about the whole situation. I'd like to have a family one day, but I can't shake the feeling that it'll never happen and I'll end up getting lonelier as I get older. I wish I felt like everyone else and could either just go about town having fun or settled down with someone, but the reality is I'm not capable of either. I've plenty of other things going for me in my life though, so I don't let it get me down too often. I concentrate on the positives, which is something I'd find hard to do if everyone was asking me questions about my sexuality and insinuating that there's something wrong with the way I feel.

JuliusCaesar · 17-09-2008 5:45pm

According to this article, 1% of people are asexual.

Do you believe asexuality exists?

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