Do you believe asexuality exists?

LegacyUser

Unreg 666 wrote: »

Serious question. Do asexual people masturbate?

I do - all the time. For me the problem is that I've no desire to do anything of a sexual nature with anyone else - it just seems alien to me. I suppose it's like someone who enjoys having a particular fantasy, but if the opportunity presented itself they would not want to carry the fantasy out in reality. To me asexual doesn't mean a total lack of sexuality, just a lack of desire for sex with other people.

carolmon

OP it's an interesting concept, I'm not really sure tbh if people are truly asexual or if it's life experiences that lead them to this - I'm not even sure that's important!
What's important is your own comfort level with how your (a)sexuality is, at the end of the day it's nobody's business if you have sex or not.
If you are really happy to live your life on this level good luck to you, it's just another aspect of the diversity of human sexuality.

If however you really are struggling with this and want to explore it further for yourself it really would be worth considering all the angles i.e is it a physical/ emotional/ psycological/ hormonal problem or no problem at all.

Anyway you've had sexual experiences so a question re how that actually works out for you - do you get any sensation or just going thru the motions?

Just curious as to whether you have had any enjoyable experiences, even thru masturbation? At least you would know everything worked ok.....might be worth exploring?

What strikes me about your post is that you seem to be having sex with people to fit in instead of from real desire.

I think desire is often the most important part of sex, much more vital than somebody having all the right moves and techniques (tho that helps)
sex without desire would leave me cold too.

Also if you don't even fancy the person it's understandable you wouldn't want the intimacy of sharing your space with a sweaty body that doesn't turn you on (tho if you do get anything out of the sex you can always call a cab later see how that works)

The main thing is to think about what you want from now on, not your friends/ family etc. At the end of the day there's all ways to be happy in this world.

Wibbs

Marksie wrote: »

No i would disagree, we are born inherently sexual, i would disgaree that its purely a gene driven function too and that all we do thereafter is taken from that context.
Its also too bleak a world view IMO

Forgetting about the gene driven function for the moment or the reasons for our sexualities, I would disagree that all people are inherently sexual. Or at least their sexuality and their need for expression of that sexuality varies a lot. A hell of a lot. We could argue that about many areas of the human condition. We're a social animal yet many are very social yet others are not social at all.

I agree, its utter nonsense, as its not my view.

It is not disimilar a comparison. If we can accept that asexuality is a possible point on the curve of human sexual response then it is as valid a sexuality(or lack of it) as heterosexuality or homosexuality.

It would in fact be yes.
If society decided homosexuality was the norm you would feel uncomfortable because you would be repressing your nature.
Yes a gay man may very well be repressing his sexuality by fitting into what is belived ie heterosexual.
But your argument is contradictory. He very well may feel disgusted with himself becasue he has not come to terms with his sexual nature.
Or am i missing the point?

I think so. I'm saying that if asexuality is someone's nature then they are supressing their nature by attempting to have sex to "fit in".

Hang on sex drive and being asexual are two different things surely. Sex drive is just that... your desire to have sex.
Being asexual is a matter of having no sexuality..thats a different matter.

Asexuality could be defined as not having sexual thoughts about other people, regardless of gender. Sex drive would be the requirement to express whatever sexuality one has. If I have no sex drive at all, I would be by definition asexual. Being asexual however one may have the rare need to express the physical release just with no person or gender in particular. The two overlap in many ways. If there is a wide range of sexuality then it would not be strange to suppose that in that range the opposite might occur.

I believe it is worrying her Wibbs. Its more complex as yes the pressure to conform and fake it til you make it is there which aint going to work.

It may be worrying the OP for many reasons. Failure to conform, worry that she's not "normal" etc. You could find the same feelings in someone who realises they're attracted to same sex partners. Not so long ago this could be a thread in reply to just such a person.

But i do agree with your last statement but that will require IMO a real good look at where its all stemming from.

Agreed, but my point is that after all that exploration she may simply find that she's not a sexual being to the degree that is all too often touted by the media and society. More power to her if she is.

look i think boston put it better: the string negative sexual reactions are not those of someone "asexual" or with a low sex drive. Its *indicative* of something more.

I don't agree. This is where we part company in opinion. This is why I used the gay guy analogy. I as a hetrosexual male would have a strong negative sexual reaction to male homosexual sex if I ended up in that situation(hell I don't even get off on lesbian sex. Strange but true:)). All that is indicative of is that I'm hetrosexual. I'm not repressed or in need of therapy or anything else. Most would agree with that. If asexuality is a defined sexuality then I would expect an asexual person to have a similar negative sexual reaction to sex regardless of gender.

Cuddles etc are in my mind more about intimacy.

As is sex. Indeed I would be wired that feels sex is the ultimate intimacy(with the right person). I couldn't be fully intimate with someone without sex. As I say that's me and I can fully understand and appreciate others would be different in that.

THAT we can agree on .

True.:)

Now because this is causing the OP worry it is good that she is exploring this, but after all of that she may find that this is just the way she is. Many of us celebrate that today we can express our sexuality with far more freedom than the past. I would say we should also celebrate the freedom not to if we don't want to or it is not our natural state and not to be considered out of bounds if we don't.

Oryx

Asexual Man wrote: »

I do - all the time. For me the problem is that I've no desire to do anything of a sexual nature with anyone else - it just seems alien to me. I suppose it's like someone who enjoys having a particular fantasy, but if the opportunity presented itself they would not want to carry the fantasy out in reality. To me asexual doesn't mean a total lack of sexuality, just a lack of desire for sex with other people.

That makes a lot of sense to me. You get hetrosexual, homosexual, and all the variety in between. People can have a 'type' that turns them on and a type that doesnt, so why should there not be people out there for whom nobody really turns them on?

The tricky part is establishing exactly what is going on. Making sure that there are no other issues such as fear of intimacy or sex itself clouding things. To the op, if you are content within your own head, forgetting others perceptions, with how you are, thats a huge pointer in the right direction. From your posts so far I get the idea that what really upsets you is that you are not conforming. That you are not hitting the milestones of your peers and that you will end up essentially alone. Think about what makes you happiest in life. Is it finding 'one true other' or is it having a good circle of friends and a satisfying life. Think about what floats your boat quite apart from in a sexual way. We all strike out our own path lifewise, some choose to travel, some to settle down. Some choose swinging, some choose celibacy. Whatever you choose, sexually or non sexually, is ok if its what you want, and if you have taken the time to figure that out fully. This means also leaving aside anyone elses expectations of you.

Fanny Cradock

OP, there is a really interesting article here. 'A' pride t-shirts! Who would have thunk it.

http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn6533

Marksie

You see the difference here is more basic Wibbs.

The question is: do you believe that people can be asexual.

You do, I don't.
I simply feel its yet another label that people will fit themselves into and for some unknown reason everyone likes labels because perhaps it gives them a sense of knowing who they are..or being told by someone else thats who they are

I do believe that sexuality is part and parcel of the human condition its how it develops on essentially from childhood or is allowed to develop that determines what it is and where it goes, and that includes all aspects of what can affect sexuality. Now that does run the whole gamut of range of expression from excess to nil.

This is what concerns me: A new potentially fad label appears that catches the vox pop ? imagination. People come along tick a few boxes decide they are "asexual" based on this, have something to point at and say its ok i am asexual and may be neatly sidestepping issues and storing up for later.

Thanks for clarifying the earlier points btw . I am still not entirely convinced about the disgust, but i can see your view. Neatly mentioned with the sex and intimacy..you are well aware that i come from that stance but i was thinking more along the lines of the comfort zone type intimacy rather than progression..my failure to write clearly.

I would not have in issue in anyone expressing or non-expressing their sexuality in any form whatsoever as long as it comes from a conscious viewpoint. Until the article shown, the OP was not aware for example that such a term existed and may very well hav edecided that that was that end of story.
All factors should be explored and excluded if it is cause for concern, then the OP can say yes I am expressing this because it is who I am.

Then yes, if it is her natural state of non-sexual expression then indeed she can be happy with it and sod what society thinks

Wibbs

Fanny Cradock wrote: »

OP, there is a really interesting article here. 'A' pride t-shirts! Who would have thunk it.

http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn6533

Interesting article. The researcher seems to think that asexuality may be of equal number to homosexuality in the population. Wouldn't surprise me tbh.

Dudess

Marksie wrote: »

You see the difference here is more basic Wibbs.

The question is: do you believe that people can be asexual.

You do, I don't.
I simply feel its yet another label that people will fit themselves into and for some unknown reason everyone likes labels because perhaps it gives them a sense of knowing who they are..or being told by someone else thats who they are

I do believe that sexuality is part and parcel of the human condition its how it develops on essentially from childhood or is allowed to develop that determines what it is and where it goes, and that includes all aspects of what can affect sexuality. Now that does run the whole gamut of range of expression from excess to nil.

This is what concerns me: A new potentially fad label appears that catches the vox pop ? imagination. People come along tick a few boxes decide they are "asexual" based on this, have something to point at and say its ok i am asexual and may be neatly sidestepping issues and storing up for later.

Thanks for clarifying the earlier points btw . I am still not entirely convinced about the disgust, but i can see your view. Neatly mentioned with the sex and intimacy..you are well aware that i come from that stance but i was thinking more along the lines of the comfort zone type intimacy rather than progression..my failure to write clearly.

I would not have in issue in anyone expressing or non-expressing their sexuality in any form whatsoever as long as it comes from a conscious viewpoint. Until the article shown, the OP was not aware for example that such a term existed and may very well hav edecided that that was that end of story.
All factors should be explored and excluded if it is cause for concern, then the OP can say yes I am expressing this because it is who I am.

Then yes, if it is her natural state of non-sexual expression then indeed she can be happy with it and sod what society thinks

Well seeing as the OP and another person here, as well as the guy interviewed in that Guardian feature, all say they masturbate, to me that implies they are actually sexual people - in terms of seeking sexual gratification/pleasure... just not with anyone else.
So I can see where you're coming from now, Mark.
Maybe the term "asexual" is a misnomer though, as that implies they don't have any sexual feelings whatsoever.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I read the Guardian article the other day too and found it interesting, was going to post it here too until I saw someone already did. It certainly seems a hopeful story for people in your position, because it sounds like what you would like is an intimate relationship, marriage-like in that you have the devotion and security, just without the sex. Lots of marriages end up like that anyway, so why not? Seeing as there are other people out there identifying themselves as asexual, maybe you can seek out a partner who wants what you want.

To explore more whether you are asexual though, I'm wondering about those sex scenes that you sometimes do find arousing. What does the sex represent for you in those scenes? For example in Brokeback Mountain you have two people who have this deep connection which they can't express openly and the sex is laden with all their pent-up desire and frustration. What about the other scenes - would they be ones where the sex represents some kind of transgression that makes it all the hotter, or more the "nice" ones where the "good guys" get together and make beautiful music together? I'm just wondering if looking at what does (occasionally) turn you on might help you identify where your mindset around sex is coming from.

Having said that I do think there are plenty of people who are celibate by choice and it's a perfectly valid choice. It is a difficult thing to tell your friends but at least your close friends should respect your request not to keep bugging you about relationships, if you ask them.

Marksie

Dudess wrote: »

Well seeing as the OP and another person here, as well as the guy interviewed in that Guardian feature, all say they masturbate, to me that implies they are actually sexual people - in terms of seeking sexual gratification/pleasure... just not with anyone else.
So I can see where you're coming from now, Mark.
Maybe the term "asexual" is a misnomer though, as that implies they don't have any sexual feelings whatsoever.

I can see where both Wibbs and the OP are coming from with their questions and points too.
That first post was a bit strong from me, I thought it read alright initially, but not now.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the comments - its actually very helpful to me that people are interested in giving their opinions about this - tbh I always feared that people would react with ridicule or think there is something a bit creepy about feeling asexual (eg - what am I really repressing?!)

I have to say though - I'm a bit offended by the comment that I might be latching onto a "fad" label. Its not that at all. Its just that I have really felt completely seperate from the rest of society and everyone I know, that I was the only person in the world who felt like this. It was quite important to me to discover that there are lots of people who feel similar.

Whether or not this is just the way I am, or something I need to heal is what I have to work out - and I do appreciate everyone's thoughts on it.

Someone asked about what pattern of scenes turn me on and that was an insightful question because I have just realised that the "tragically forbidden love" theme is a bit of a recurrent thing alright. Maybe that indicates something...

But the other thing is - does it really matter if its nature or nuture that has let me to feel this way? Until recently, it was felt that it was the upbringing gay people received that made them the way they are (like, overbearing mothers turned out mummy's boys who were gay). But at the end of the day, whether it was things that affected them, or their genetic make-up, they ended up being gay, and nowadays no one would try to convince them that to be anything other than that.

Oh, its all v. confusing!

Dwn Wth Vwls

I have often wondered about asexuality myself. I was very confused before I figured out I was bisexual and pretty much acted asexually (not implying anything about your situation). I did have crushes on both genders over the years, but I never acted on them. I think just keeping them a secret is what made them seem like a bigger deal.

Now that I've accepted myself, I've noticed that I haven't actually been attracted to anybody. I had sort of presumed I was just repressing it all, but now that I'm relaxed about it there doesn't seem to be much there. Looking at a crowd I certainly see people I think are attractive, but I've never met anyone I was really attracted to or wanted contact with. Crushes were always fleeting.

I don't really understand it, but there's no pressure on me like there is on you, so I can just ignore it for the most part and keep an open mind.

LegacyUser

Well OP, we wouldn't try to convince gay people to turn straight (unless we were bigoted loons) because we agree that it's perfectly possible to lead a sexually and romantically fulfilled life as a gay person. Religious people, then again, choose celibacy so as to be able to concentrate their whole selves into their relationship with God. So while they renounce sexuality, they do replace it with something. Now if you do consciously omit sexuality from your life, you can live a very fulfilled life in lots of ways but it does seem a little like you won't be replacing one sexuality with another or with anything else, you will simply have a gap there. Like trivial pursuit with 5 wedges instead of 6.

Now this may be fine and maybe you will come to the conclusion that it is fine for you, you won't miss what you've never had. Again, not many people go through life keeping all the wedges on the go at the same time (fulfilment in career, family, friends, health, etc, sexuality is only one aspect of fulfilment). But to overextend the metaphor, going through life you can land on the sexuality question again and again and maybe when the time is right and the question is right you'll know the answer and win the chip

So I think don't close yourself off to the idea of sex, explore that forbidden fruit fantasy (maybe with a more specialized therapist?) and get in touch with people out there (there must be a support group on the internet somewhere?) for support even while your still exploring the possibilities.

F.A.

Hi OP,

I can well understand how confusing this must be for you. In fact, I felt the very same way for a rather long time. Until I fell in love. Head over heals. I had never expected this to happen, and when you hear about all these stories of puppy love etc, you might be inclined to either not believe in love or to believe that the emotion was blown way out of proportion by people. I thought it was the latter. This and my lack of sexual desire of any kind (apart from masturbation) made me think I was asexual. Then I fell. And deeply so. And no more thoughts of asexuality whatsoever.

So, I hope you don't mind me asking, but have you ever been deeply in love with someone? I think this is more indicative than anything else. If you have, and you still had no sexual desire, then I would be inclined to think you are indeed asexual. Otherwise, you might simply not have met the right person. Not everybody falls in love easily.

LegacyUser

Nope - never fallen in love - maybe if that were to happen, who knows! How old were you when you finally did? I am in my mid-30s and have been assuming if it was going to happen it would have by now.

Dudess

Not necessarily. Why should there be an age limit?

iguana

WhatamI wrote: »

Am I destined to be lonely? Do you think there is any chance of finding a partner that might want to have an asexual relationship with me?

There are dating sites for asexual people looking for non-sexual relationships. None in Ireland afaik, but there are a number in the UK. Just google "asexual dating" on google.co.uk, specifying UK sites.

I don't think finding a meaningful non-sexual relationship is impossible as long as all parties are open about what they are looking for. There are plenty of contented marriages where the sex has just faded away, but the couple are still comfortable and happy together. So I don't see why two people who aren't interested in sex can't connect on an emotional level and have a happy marriage/relationship, if they both want it.

Jenny66

WhatamI wrote: »

I'm a woman in my mid-30s and have never been in a proper relationship. I have had what I would call romantic crushes on guys, but things never progressed beyond a few dates. I have never felt sexual desire for anyone. I've had some sexual experiences but been utterly bored during them and tbh find the guy repellent the morning after - I just find it somehow demeaning. I do like hugs and cuddles, but am extremely uncomfortable when things move on from that.

I only recently came across the concept of asexuality and it just seems to tick so many boxes for me. I so much identify with one person's comment on it - sex is like algebra - I get the concept but its nothing I can get excited about.

But - I'm wondering if deciding I'm asexual is a cop-out on my part. Does anyone else out there think asexuality is real, or do you think its a problem that needs to be fixed?

I did go to counselling for a little while, but found it useless really. Just a lot of talking about my relationship with my father but I still felt exactly the same about everything at the end of it.

Is there anyone else there who is asexual?

Should I "come out" to my friends & family? (I'm so sick of having to pretend to be interested in finding a boyfriend/husband!)

Am I destined to be lonely? Do you think there is any chance of finding a partner that might want to have an asexual relationship with me?

I'm really getting fed up of my situation in life and all the pretence. Sorry I have gone on so long about it. Its the first time I've acknowledged this reality to myself.

Mabey you should forget about the Sex part of a relationship and just go a long with been firends,I know a couple that were very good friends for a long time before they got Sexual. Sometimes the though of Sex put`s people of having a very good loving relationship.
And if people are honst even in a very long relationship their are time`s when no Sex is needed or wanted.But I think you could get some help with talking to a Doctor or counselling.Good Luck with whatever you do and try not to worrie about it,It will only make you feel worse.
Jenny66