Fighting With Your Partner - What's Acceptable?

neuro-praxis

(Lads, I have edited this at the request of a PI mod. Apologies if it is less coherent now.)

I was just thinking about this subject in relation to a friend of mine, and I was wondering what the women in this forum think.

When me and my OH fight, we can get really angry and frustrated with each other, but we never call each other names, or get physical in any way. The most violent thing that happens is I might slam the door on my way out.

Let's take the example that my friend experienced of her boyfriend forcing his way in the door of her flat in the middle of an unresolved argument. Some people seem to think this is totally understandable. I disagree. Whatever about sharing a house or being married, if a boyfriend forced his way into my home I'd be very angry and upset about it.

Have you ever experienced abusive language (my friend's partner would call her a fu*king c*nt plus other choice terms in rows), or forceful behaviour like the above? Do you think this is understandable if everyone is angry?

If yes, did it ever escalate into further violent acts, or was it something that would flare up and then go down?

I guess this goes for the men too - women can be just as violent as men.

My feeling is that when you are a grown-up, you control your anger. Relationships are supposed to be safe-zones where you are loved and protected, never threatened.

Thoughts?

I tend to go out with very gentle and laidback people.
I don't like unnecessary dramatics in a relationship.
Maybe as a result of fights being uncommon, when a row is serious it doesn't need to esculate to a nasty level to convey that gravity of the situation.

I do have issues with my temper though, and sometimes I honestly take a fit of blind rage and can't control myself.
Adult or not.

lolly22

I think arguments with your OH are ok, everyone has arguments bout silly things and its a good thing as i think life would be very boring if we didnt have them BUT not with violence.

Slamming a door at the heat of the moment is ok im sure lots have done it.

Yeah Iv experienced abusive of pretty much every kind from my other half but i choose not to deal with it, to ignore it as I loved him and for our daughter I wanted things to work out so bad.

Now I realise that was crazy but as vunerable and low as i was feeling
I let him control me and YES I LET HIM abuse me.

No man or woman should live a life like that and id never wish it on anyone, im still sorting mine out and its not easy.We should all feel happy and safe with our partners anything else is just NOT acceptable!

aviendha

Had an ex-boyfriend who once broke in the bathroom door, breaking the lock, when I locked myself in there in a particularly emotional tiff... never ever had any escalation of violence, he never raised a hand, never felt uneasy/unsafe..

which is why I took issue with the PI where the girl more or less equated the boyfriend who pushed the door in to the house as a wife beater...

depends on the person I guess..

Beetlebum

I was with a guy for 4 years and during that time he called me a slut on a regular basis, even though I never cheated. He attacked me 3 times in total. The first time was the most vicious weirdly enough. We were in town and he saw me linking arms with a good male friend of mine and later on that night in the middle of Temple Bar he kicked and punched me repeatedly until a stranger (God bless him) pulled him off me.
I should have walked away then but I was a kid (21) and I didn't. My home life wasn't great at the time and I guess on some level I felt I deserved it or stupidly that it meant he loved me (Ha!).
The second time was just a punch in the arm and the final time was a shake and throw. The sad part is, I was so in love with him that I apologised after each episode and to this day he's never said or seemed sorry.

Clare Bear

I don't go out with men that turn in to psychos when they lose their temper. I wouldn't put up with it anyway. I've never once seen my Dad raise his voice to my mother and I expect the same from my partner. I've been lucky with my choice of boyfriends I guess.

The only person I scream at is my brother, siblings have a way of getting to you like no one else :pac:

Ginny

I've never had anyone lay a hand on me at all.
In general the fights with my last Ex could be quite intense with one of us sleeping in the spare room sometimes, he sulked a considerable amount too, and there were times I left the house for a few nights.
Our eventually break up was caused by the fights, which in turn was caused by our different goals in life that neither of us could compromise on, so it was a never ending fight.
In general, every couple has to have some disagreements at some stage, its only natural, but screaming matches, name calling or any physicality is completly wrong imo.

Burial

These acts I expect in a fight:

Raising of voices
Slamming a door

These are more serious - Either a no-no or not really a no-no, depends on the circumstance:


Pushing with no intention of hurting, just to move the person out of the way.
Shouting
Use of swearing

These are a no-no:


Name-Calling
Pushing with the intention to hurt
Threatening them
Hitting
Breaking of any goods own by the opposite party.
Divulging secrets to others
Throwing things at the opposite party

I've left out loads but thats my opinion on stuff I can remember.

I really can't think of anything I'd find acceptable in a fight other than raising your voice...

bnagrrl

Raising of voices, slamming of doors is probably to be expected in the heat of the moment.

Laying a hand on someone in anger is totally unacceptable be it a push, grabbing forcefully or slapping/hitting.

If you truly respect each other and yourself then you won't have to resort to physical intimidation/violence.

GirlInterrupted

I've never hurt anyone physically and no one has done so to me. I don't like shouting or any kind of agressive behaviour, and if I'm in a situation where there is an argument, often I tend to feel hurt rather than angry. I never shout or slam doors or call names. I consider them all to be unacceptable behaviour.

If things become heated enough that it seems likely the argument will escalate I'll remove myself from the situation until I/he calm(s) down. I honestly have very rarely been in that situation.

I do go for the more even tempered types usually, and it amazes me to see the level of drama in some of my friends lives - I couldn't live with it myself.

JaneyMc

Clare Bear wrote: »

I don't go out with men that turn in to psychos when they lose their temper. I wouldn't put up with it anyway. I've never once seen my Dad raise his voice to my mother and I expect the same from my partner. I've been lucky with my choice of boyfriends I guess.

The only person I scream at is my brother, siblings have a way of getting to you like no one else :pac:

The lads I tend to go for are generally laid back like yourself. One roared in my face once in the middle of O'Connell Street if I was a guy he would punch my face in. That was nice.
But otherwise compared to some friends, I have also been very lucky.

I have a fiery temper, if you get me in a angry enough, I will curse , I will shout, (behind closed doors of course) and I will slam doors. I draw the line at actual physical contact, throwing of objects and insults.

xzanti

I went out with someone when I was very young (15-17) and he did all of the things that Burial listed as big no nos.. Will NEVER happen again, of that I am certain... Wouldn't put up with any sh1te now and I'd never treat my bf in a way I wouldn't like to be treated... We have arguements but they never get out of hand, he's really easy going though so I don't think it's something I have to worry about..

PurpleBerry

Yup last night my OH locked me out of the house. I hurt my hand trying to break a window to get back in.

JaneyMc

Christ. I wouldn't put up with that from any man.

PurpleBerry

Yeah I paid the deposit and all of the rent. His name isn't even on the lease. So I wouldn't have a problem legally kicking him out.

SarahJ

Me and the dude have fights, and say really mean things to each other, but we always know we aren't serious, we are just saying them to hurt each other. We always make up straight after

MayMay

Neesa wrote: »

Yeah I paid the deposit and all of the rent. His name isn't even on the lease. So I wouldn't have a problem legally kicking him out.

Then do!

JaneyMc

My thoughts exactly.

nomorebadtown

i dunno, if my OH locked me out of OUR place and i had nowhere else within reason to go and it was in the context of a serious tiff (in which i considered myself to be 100% in the right, as usual:p) then yeah, i would give serious consideration to kicking the door in. does this make me a stella quaffing wife-beater? i dont think so.

Dragan

SarahJ wrote: »

Me and the dude have fights, and say really mean things to each other, but we always know we aren't serious, we are just saying them to hurt each other. We always make up straight after

I honestly have to wonder about any relationship where you are saying things just to hurt each other!

I have had fights with ex partners and some of them have been pretty emotional but I never raise my voice, slam doors or throw stuff. At the end of the day I guess I am pretty concious of the fact that I am generally a LOT bigger than my partners.

In all honesty, fights for me are pretty much non existant until the end of a relationship and I will know it's reaching it's end by the simple fact that we are fighting. I'm a fan of honesty and communication, when an issue comes up I'll wait for the right time to say it and address it accordingly. The majority of my girlfriends have all been the same.

The only time I remember really fighting with anyone was this psycho I was seeing in Limerick, but the fights were why I was with her. I have since grown up....a lot.

Well said Dragan. Any girl that looks for fights regularly gets shown the door. Relationships, as you said, are about trust and communication. I once had a chat with a platonic friend about relationships and she told me that she needed a fight once a week to keep her relationship interesting!

I have a huge hang up with the locking oneself in the bathroom! Or stamping the feet and sulking, or any argument tactics that a child would use. It really irks me. If u arent mature enough to stand in front of your partner and sort your dispute like a pair of grown ups then you need to look at your relationship and yourself.

I try to remain calm because I have a nasty temper when i lose it. ive worked real hard to control it and its very very hard to get me to lose it but when i do Im not a nice person. Certain members of my family know which buttons to push to get me to lose it and its not nice, I never feel good after. Hence I try my utmost not to raise my voice, insult or threaten and I expect something similar in return.

I went out with a girl for 6 months and the only argument we had in that time was a one off about a mix up in organising a night together (we were adament it was the others fault - it was her fault!!!) and that was about it. We finished as a result of an issue which had to be argued about but in the 6 months leadin up wwe never had any token fights to keep up the drama!


Fights dont have to be dramatic.

coffee_cake

I abhor drama and have no interest in fighting. If there is an issue it needs to be discussed calmly until resolved. We've had arguments over genuine issues but we worked them out. Better than letting things fester, though getting too often

IRISH RAIL

My ex had a go at me twice once i locked myself into the spare room as i was closing the door she put her foot in its way she wouldnt take it out so i pushed harder, she told everyone i closed the door on her foot.
the second time was after she cheated on me i was asleep and she came in drunk calling me names and ringing her friend slagging me off i went to sleep on the couch she then came down and had another go at me right up to my face calling me names i grabber her arm and led her out the door, i called the cops becase she was wrecking the house. she told everyone the cops were going to take me away and i hit her.

class girl i spent the next 6 months doing up the house ditched her and sold it
Ive never been happier

Kotick

neuro-praxis wrote: »

My feeling is that when you are a grown-up, you control your anger.

You can to an extent but I really think it depends on how you were raised. Here I'm talking about an automatic reaction where you're responding to a threat.

My siblings and I were all physically and emotionally abused as children and saw our mom get abused by our father. My oldest sister has the hardest time out of the 4 of us at controlling her anger. My second oldest sister can control it a bit more but when things get heated, she can't control herself. Being the 3rd one down the line, I rarely get so angry where I can't control myself but there have been 2 or 3 times where I snapped and physically or emotionally abused said person that pissed me off. It becomes and automatic reaction and doesn't last for more than a few seconds (for me). Our brother who is 6 years younger than I, well, I've never seen him angry because he wasn't raised by our parents, he was raised by his sisters.

This doesn't mean that you should EVER stay with someone who's abusing you. For some of us though, we're trying to control our anger and some of us have done a good job of it. Best thing to do is to avoid confrontation. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Try to get rid of misunderstandings by being honest and open. When you keep the communication going, you should be much happier.

Pherekydes

Is it acceptable to say to your kids in the middle of a rant "Now you know why parents leave their kids"?

My oh did last night. She frequently uses my surname as a stick to beat them with, like when they're bold, she'd say "You're a real H---"

She frequently compares her house/kids/me to other people's kids/houses/partners and always in a bad way.

Sharpshooter

Pherekydes wrote: »

Is it acceptable to say to your kids in the middle of a rant "Now you know why parents leave their kids"?

My oh did last night. She frequently uses my surname as a stick to beat them with, like when they're bold, she'd say "You're a real H---"

She frequently compares her house/kids/me to other people's kids/houses/partners and always in a bad way.

lt is never acceptable , my brothers wife does exactly the same thing , she even hit him when he had taken the then baby out of the bath to dry him , because according to her the arguement wasn't over.
They are still together , though l don't know why.

The Sweeper

I had friends once who went through a horrendous patch in their relationship, during which they would fight hugely and get physically violent with each other (I believe she usually attacked him first, and he would retaliate - she punched him in the face once so he hit her back, another time he threw her across the room to get her off him when she had her fingernails in his face.)

Their asssessment of it was they had "a very passionate relationship".

I believed they had an unacceptably violent, mutually abusive relationship.

"We fight like this because we really care about each other".

No, you fight like that because you really care about winning that fight. There is no love, regard or respect for your partner in a fight like that. There is only your own need to beat your other half down so that you're in the right. The strongest things in that relationship are control, dominance, violence and retaliation.

With regard to the kicking the door down - I would sincerely hope I never had the urge to lock my other half out of our joint accommodation in a fight, thus never encouraging a situation where he kicks the door in. I would also like to believe I never have a fight where I feel the need to physically lock myself away from my partner because he is haranguing me so badly I need to be away from him and - worse again - he won't let me have that space.

I used to have a horrendous relationship with an aggressive bloke who had terrible self-esteem that led to him being an intolerant control freak. When we fought, he would harangue me. Follow me from place to place, room to room. Never shut up - always in my face, in my ear, talktalktalktalktalktalk - horrible bile would spill from his ugly, bitter mouth for hours on end. I would go to bed, he would follow me to bed, rant rant rant , finger in my face, hand around my throat, pushes, shoves, threats.

It was a pointless, emotionally sapping, spiritually draining experience.

His need to control me and break me down was stronger than what would have been the more sensible option - if he hated me that much he should have just left. I did the standard - I finally left when my fear of staying outweighed my fear of leaving.

Never. Never. Again.

Black Swan

I can't use my swords?

I'm a bit independent, so I will butt heads with someone I care for at times. These are just the ups and downs of a relationship that's more or less equal. After a large row, sometimes making-up can be really rewarding, especially if it involves close intimacy (whoa! fun!).

LolaLuv

Burial wrote: »

These acts I expect in a fight:

Raising of voices
Slamming a door

These are more serious - Either a no-no or not really a no-no, depends on the circumstance:


Pushing with no intention of hurting, just to move the person out of the way.
Shouting
Use of swearing

These are a no-no:


Name-Calling
Pushing with the intention to hurt
Threatening them
Hitting
Breaking of any goods own by the opposite party.
Divulging secrets to others
Throwing things at the opposite party

I've left out loads but thats my opinion on stuff I can remember.

I really can't think of anything I'd find acceptable in a fight other than raising your voice...

I would never consider pushing as acceptable. And is swearing really that bad? I do it even when I'm not angry so I don't censor it during a fight, either.

This is such a personal question because it varies from couple to couple. There are certain things that are frowned upon by almost everyone (like hitting, saying vicious things intended to cause hurt, etc.), but even those are acceptable to some. For me, I'm pretty open with my emotions no matter what they are so I don't mind some yelling and such. As long as I trust that the guy would never lay a hand on me or hurt me deliberately in any way, then I wouldn't mind him expressing his anger through yelling and swearing, either. Generally it would be best to talk everything through civilly, but there will come those occasions when both parties are too angry for rational conversation. Shouldn't happen every day or there's a problem, but once in a blue moon is fine, imo.

Locking someone out is just nuts. Unless they're coming after you with a fist or something, then that's just senseless.

Kotick

PillyPen wrote: »

I would never consider pushing as acceptable. And is swearing really that bad? I do it even when I'm not angry so I don't censor it during a fight, either.

I also don't see pushing as acceptable. I've been pushed before a couple of times by my ex while we were still together and in a fight and I'd fall over into a table or fall wrong onto the floor and would be physically hurt that way. I see pushing as an act of unneeded violence.

PillyPen wrote: »

Locking someone out is just nuts. Unless they're coming after you with a fist or something, then that's just senseless.

I've been locked out before (by the same guy :P) and it's not cool. If you're going to live with someone, you have to expect that you aren't going to get along with them all the time and can't just go locking people out of the house or a shared room. You wanna lock yourself in a room where I don't keep my stuff and where I don't need to be, then fine, be a big baby, but don't lock people out of their own house or lock them out of a room where they keep their stuff. They pay the rent too.

I got locked out of the bedroom away from the medication I need to take nightly and he didn't even toss out a pillow or blanket for me to use on the couch. All I did was go to a new years party that he was invited to as well but at the last minute decided he didn't want to go and didn't want me to go either. I'm glad he's my ex.

LolaLuv

Kotick wrote: »

I also don't see pushing as acceptable. I've been pushed before a couple of times by my ex while we were still together and in a fight and I'd fall over into a table or fall wrong onto the floor and would be physically hurt that way. I see pushing as an act of unneeded violence.

I think whoever posted that originally meant pushing is ok if it's just pushing past someone, but even that has the potential to be too aggressive. I mean if someone's pushing you into a table that's obviously intended to cause harm. Although one time an ex had me trapped in a room, wouldn't let me out, I tried to push past him, he wouldn't budge and so I kicked him in the nuts, hard. I'd never, ever do that again, but I was young and it was an unhealthy relationship anyway. Live and learn.:rolleyes:

I've been locked out before (by the same guy :P) and it's not cool. If you're going to live with someone, you have to expect that you aren't going to get along with them all the time and can't just go locking people out of the house or a shared room. You wanna lock yourself in a room where I don't keep my stuff and where I don't need to be, then fine, be a big baby, but don't lock people out of their own house or lock them out of a room where they keep their stuff. They pay the rent too.

I got locked out of the bedroom away from the medication I need to take nightly and he didn't even toss out a pillow or blanket for me to use on the couch. All I did was go to a new years party that he was invited to as well but at the last minute decided he didn't want to go and didn't want me to go either. I'm glad he's my ex.

Exactly, if people are living together they ought to be mature enough to distance themselves from each other when space is needed. That guy sounds like a bastard. Messing with meds is totally unacceptable. I was in a relationship that sounded about as destructive as yours (same guy I kicked in the nuts). Maybe it's something some people have to go through to learn what not to be attracted to.

Edit: This is where we need Wibbs to come in and impart his wisdom. His insight into these situations is incredible!