Fighting With Your Partner - What's Acceptable?

SarahJ

Dragan wrote: »

I honestly have to wonder about any relationship where you are saying things just to hurt each other!

I don't worry, we're pretty solid, its the same stuff we say when we're joking

Nevyn

What if it's not shared accomidation and he is trying to insist to come in and he doesn't live there ?

Burial

PillyPen wrote: »

I would never consider pushing as acceptable. And is swearing really that bad? I do it even when I'm not angry so I don't censor it during a fight, either.

This is such a personal question because it varies from couple to couple. There are certain things that are frowned upon by almost everyone (like hitting, saying vicious things intended to cause hurt, etc.), but even those are acceptable to some. For me, I'm pretty open with my emotions no matter what they are so I don't mind some yelling and such. As long as I trust that the guy would never lay a hand on me or hurt me deliberately in any way, then I wouldn't mind him expressing his anger through yelling and swearing, either. Generally it would be best to talk everything through civilly, but there will come those occasions when both parties are too angry for rational conversation. Shouldn't happen every day or there's a problem, but once in a blue moon is fine, imo.

Locking someone out is just nuts. Unless they're coming after you with a fist or something, then that's just senseless.

Well, thats why I made the middle list as going on either a NO or an acceptable, depending on the couple.

I think whoever posted that originally meant pushing is ok if it's just pushing past someone, but even that has the potential to be too aggressive.

Original poster was me, and I agree, pushing does have the potential to be too aggressive.

wrote:

What if it's not shared accomidation and he is trying to insist to come in and he doesn't live there ?

Such a general statement gets a bad reaction. Like Is stealing wrong? Yes, but if I had to feed my family, than it's not.

But back to your statement. If you don't want him to come in, than don't let him in....

Dragan

Thaedydal wrote: »

What if it's not shared accomidation and he is trying to insist to come in and he doesn't live there ?

Then he has no right to and call the cops on him, plain and simple.

Look , i understand where people are coming from about having anger issues. I have more anger issues going back more years than i care to think about. When i was a kid i was in trouble with the cops, my parents, my teachers....basically everyone in authority. I was fighting on practically a daily basis because i had no idea how to deal with what i felt or how to control the emotions that arose because of it.

These feelings persisted for a very long time and followed me all through my teenagers years and into college. More anger, more fighting, more violence and more confusion.

However, not once in my life has that given me cause to raise my hand to lass, to intimidate her, to try and physically force my way into her home.

I honestly feel you can either do those things or you cannot. Personally i am completely incapable of actual or implied violence towards someone who is physically weaker than me. As far as i am concerned bullies in any form as scum and i would consider that to bullying, ignoring the wants of one person in favour of your own and not caring about their feelings in the process.

As such, the situation you described to me is completely out of order Thae. If i discovered this had happening with any of the guys my sisters have seen over the years then it would be a really bad day for them.

I'm also happy to admit that heads and hearts get heated in adult relationships....there is still no need for that kind of ****e. If someone wants some alone time, for whatever reason, then you respect that decision like an adult.

Sugar Drunk

I dont fight very often with my BF. when we do it never goes as far as a full scale argument its usually a case of having a rather heated discussion and one of us ignoring the other til it blows over.
Growing up my parents fought cat and dog (not full physical abuse but screaming , name calling, threatening to leave, slamming doors, pushing etc) and I lived in a constant state of tension and stress never knowing what would happen next. so i just refuse to get into those kind of arguements. i also refuse to sleep on a fight I hate that I wont sleep til its sorted. I also would never fight in public I hate that its so embarrassing for everyone else when a couple are having a full blown domestic on a night out! even worse when they try and convince everyone that everything is fine!

Only ever had one major row with the BF and it was about somethin really serious make or break stuff so that was an exception. even at that it never went as far as storming out or anything.

I know a few couples who constantly have drama going on - always argueing on a night out, winding each other up etc. What I hate is one person storming out and teh other running after. I know one couple where the pattern is they have a row, she storms off and he goes off looking for her and worrying. Now lets face it she only does that because she knows he will come after her! Theres no point storming out for dramatic effect if it doesnt have that result so sometimes he would just leave her at it and cop her on a bit!

robtri

From a guys point here, arguments are healthy, every relationship no matter at what level is going to have arguments and fights, raising of voices and slamming of doors is acceptable behaviour, swearing is ok as long as it is not being used as a put down, i.e shouting "ahh for F**K Sake " or I didn't F**king do anything" is fine but Calling names " like " you F**king C**t" or "slut" is not....
And any physical violence, hitting people, breaking things doors or objects is bang out of order and should never be tolerated...
Attacking or intimidating someone is the lowest of the low and nobody deserves that treatment.....
If you are in a relationship where this happens get out, it will never get better and you can do better.....
thats my two cents worth...

Rattlehead_ie

Whats acceptable, depends on the relationship and the people Id say. I don't like fighting in relationships and I usually just walk away from fights let the other person calm down till they are ready to talk. Think the worst Ive ever done was slam a door while on way out for a walk.

From a blokes point of view its completely un acceptable for the fight or aguement to become physical, Ive been "slapped" a cpl of times across the face, un justly I might add and I still managed to just walk away. In those cases you normally come out looking the better.

BroomBurner

As others have said, I think it depends on the relationship. I know my bf can hurt me, but similarly, I can hurt him if I hit him. We would rarely (if ever) have a blazing row, but there would generally always be swearing and some name-calling. I don't really see why name-calling is so bad, sure it would just be forgotten and ignored after the row.

The main issue with what is acceptable is what will either party hang on to after the argument has ended. If my bf shouts/swears/calls me names during a row, I usually forgive and forget (as with him) after the argument has ended. If someone is more sensitive, then they may cling on to the little things and be hurt.

As for hitting, if I hit my bf, I would expect to be hit back. Same it is was him that hit out first. I think that pretty much stops us from doing it.

loopyloulou

Ive had some awful arguements with ex's. One ex would never touch me but would scream in my face, called me a slag, intimidated me by standing right up at my face daring me to lash out, took me everything i had not to!!! Another one was a total nut job, punched me in the arm left a bruise that lasted weeks, dragged me around the car by the hair, nearly broke my wrist, threatened to drive off somewhere quiet and kill me!!!!!... Glad to say now that my current b/f would never lay a hand on me, call me names, scream at me and has the utmost respect for me

Nevyn

robtri wrote: »

From a guys point here, arguments are healthy, every relationship no matter at what level is going to have arguments and fights,

From you point of view.

I have been in two relationships with men who never wanted a discussion or an argument at all. They would avoid any confrontations what so ever like the
plague and it was damn near impossible to deal with issues an disagreements when they came up, I was surprised I had any tongue left from biting it.

While a couple who constantly argues and bickers is a bad thing exp when there is no respect a couple were there are no arguments/discussions is a bad thing as well, esp when one person is always the one who has to make the discussions happen and is mean to feel like they are a bad person having a go
as the other gets completely on the defensive or walks away cos they don't want to communicate over an issue.

neuro-praxis

Mmm, it has been said on this thread that the way to avoid fights is to avoid confrontation.

I actually think that two people who love each other (be it friends, family or romatic relationships) will (kindly) confront and challenge each other when necessary. My best relationships (including the one with my husband) are the ones where I know I can both challenge and be challenged.

This inevitably leads to arguments, especially when you are doing life together for 5, 10, 15 years, but the arguments are worth it, and although they can be heated, it means that nothing is left under the carpet.

Me and my OH aren't perfect. We argue every so often and once in a blue moon it's a real cracker. But there is never violence or name-calling and I think on the whole we are very healthy.

Surely couples who never fight are kidding themselves? How can you never, ever disagree - or never, ever find your partner's words or behaviour disagreeable? Perhaps when couples never fight - it is because one of them is prepared to allow the other to dominate (however gently)?

LolaLuv

BroomBurner wrote: »

As for hitting, if I hit my bf, I would expect to be hit back. Same it is was him that hit out first. I think that pretty much stops us from doing it.

I wouldn't hit a bf, but if I did I would not expect to get hit back. They're frequently much larger than I am, and stronger. Getting hit by him would not be equal to me hitting him.

Elle Victorine

No problem with pushing somebody out of the way. If someone is full on up in your faces, they need to be moved. That's just it. THere's a difference if you throw them across the room or into a wall however but everybody should know the difference.

No problem with raised voices to be honest. That's just a tug-of-war. However I draw the line at screaming in someone's face.

Slamming doors are acceptable. I've done it and the lads in my past have done it. No biggy.

Name calling is not acceptable or attacking people's vulnerabilities. They should never be used against the person you love just because you're annoyed at them or just because it is the heat of the moment. It's just really nasty.

One of my alltime no-no's however is questioning your OH's fidelity because of your own hangups. It's so passively abusive and manipulative. Telling you all, if you ever encounter anyone pulling that sh1t on you in a relationship just dump them right there and then. It's not worth the anguish in the long run. They're just projecting their rubbish onto you and at the end of the day it is completely showing you no respect or trust on any level. It's also outright accusing you with no proof and is questioning your own ideals/morals.

As for busting in a door...I'm a no on that one. Sounds a bit excessive unless they were about to do something stupid to themselves. Anyway, I hope he paid for the damages.

Also I'm with BroomBurner on the hitting front. If I hit my boyfriend a full on dig, I'd expect to be hit back but you shouldn't hit a your other half anyway in my opinion full stop.

BroomBurner

PillyPen wrote: »

I wouldn't hit a bf, but if I did I would not expect to get hit back. They're frequently much larger than I am, and stronger. Getting hit by him would not be equal to me hitting him.

Get down the gym so and toughen up. I hate this attitude of women playing the "oh, poor helpless little me" while lashing out at men and not expecting to be hit back. As I said, if I hit my bf, I would be ready for the retalliation. It's only fair. Btw, my bf is about twice my size, so it isn't a size issue.

Back O/T, yeah, lashing out in general is wrong, but it sometimes happens. Whether it is acceptable is down to the degree with which you hold grudges/defend yourself.

LolaLuv

BroomBurner wrote: »

Get down the gym so and toughen up. I hate this attitude of women playing the "oh, poor helpless little me" while lashing out at men and not expecting to be hit back. As I said, if I hit my bf, I would be ready for the retalliation. It's only fair. Btw, my bf is about twice my size, so it isn't a size issue.

No matter how much I go to the gym, most guys will still have at least 5 inches on me. I never said "Poor helpless little me" nor did I EVER say I'd lash out. As a matter of fact, I said just the opposite. However, I do resent people putting words into my mouth, so perhaps read my posts before jumping on them in future?

BroomBurner

PillyPen wrote: »

No matter how much I go to the gym, most guys will still have at least 5 inches on me. I never said "Poor helpless little me" nor did I EVER say I'd lash out. As a matter of fact, I said just the opposite. However, I do resent people putting words into my mouth, so perhaps read my posts before jumping on them in future?

Yeah, you said if you hit your bf (implying that you are not discounting doing exactly that), that you wouldn't expect to be hit back. I don't see how I put words in your mouth, I was simply talking about a certain type of attitude. Perhaps you should take your own advice about reading posts and get off your high horse.

However, that isn't what the topic is about, it's about what is acceptable while fighting with your partner. To me, violence is not acceptable, but sometimes it happens, with varying degrees (i.e. slap/smack to full on punch), and it's up to each person to decide for themselves what they find acceptable.

Also, for Pillypen, I don't see why you should get away with hitting your bf and not expect to be hit back just becase you're smaller. If you don't lash out, you don't deserve to be hit. If you do, you do.

LolaLuv

BroomBurner wrote: »

Did I say you, specifically, Pillypen? Did I actually make a reference to your name with regards the "poor, helpless, little me" comment? No, I think you'll find I didn't. I was making a general comment at the general opinion of a lot of women. I agree whole heartedly that someone should not be afraid of the person they are going out with, that's entirely an uncomfortable situation.

However, that isn't what the topic is about, it's about what is acceptable while fighting with your partner. To me, violence is not acceptable, but sometimes it happens, with varying degrees (i.e. slap/smack to full on punch), and it's up to each person to decide for themselves what they find acceptable.

However, my big problem with you specifically, Pillypen, was your comment that if you hit your bf, you wouldn't expect to be hit back. What exactly exonerates you from getting what you deserve? Because you're smaller? That's total BS. If you don't lash out, you don't deserve to be hit. If you do, you do.

You quoted me directly before your diatribe, it's a reasonable conclusion to make that you were including me in it.

I also said I'd never hit a bf. However if I did I wouldn't expect to get hit back because it's not a fair fight. If the man were the same height and weight as me, then fair enough. I don't think it's appropriate for a man to hit his OH unless he's protecting himself, end of.

BroomBurner

PillyPen wrote: »

I don't think it's appropriate for a man to hit his OH unless he's protecting himself, end of.

Which is exactly what I said, and in contradiction to what you posted previously about if you hit your bf, you wouldn't expect to be hit back (but surely that would be him defending himself). However, now you have changed your mind. That's ok, I changed my last post, everyone is allowed to sit back, digest something then change their mind.

Sharpshooter

BroomBurner wrote: »

Did I say you, specifically, Pillypen? Did I actually make a reference to your name with regards the "poor, helpless, little me" comment? No, I think you'll find I didn't. I was making a general comment at the general opinion of a lot of women. I agree whole heartedly that someone should not be afraid of the person they are going out with, that's entirely an uncomfortable situation.

However, that isn't what the topic is about, it's about what is acceptable while fighting with your partner. To me, violence is not acceptable, but sometimes it happens, with varying degrees (i.e. slap/smack to full on punch), and it's up to each person to decide for themselves what they find acceptable.

However, my big problem with you specifically, Pillypen, was your comment that if you hit your bf, you wouldn't expect to be hit back. What exactly exonerates you from getting what you deserve? Because you're smaller? That's total BS. If you don't lash out, you don't deserve to be hit. If you do, you do.

So , if a smaller person lashes out at a bigger person ( in a relationship) they Deserve to get hit back?
l am glad that l don't know you outside of Boards.
So , she hits him ( minimum Damage ).
He hits her ( remember he is bigger and stronger )
so therefore much More Damage.
And you are saying that is OK?:eek:
Seriously, Go and have a RE THINK.

BroomBurner

sharpshooterH wrote: »

So , if a smaller person lashes out at a bigger person ( in a relationship) they Deserve to get hit back?
l am glad that l don't know you outside of Boards.
So , she hits him ( minimum Damage ).
He hits her ( remember he is bigger and stronger )
so therefore much More Damage.
And you are saying that is OK?:eek:
Seriously, Go and have a RE THINK.

You should know who you take on. For example, I won't hit someone I know will definitely take me out. Ergo, a small woman should not lash out at her bigger OH (unless she knows she can match him). If she does, she should be prepared for them hitting her back. If she isn't prepared, then she has two choices - 1. do NOT hit them first, or 2. Hit them hard enough that they can't hit back. I would always always always opt for OPTION 1 when it comes to a relationship.

brianthebard

BroomBurner wrote: »

Which is exactly what I said, and in contradiction to what you posted previously about if you hit your bf, you wouldn't expect to be hit back (but surely that would be him defending himself). However, now you have changed your mind. That's ok, I changed my last post, everyone is allowed to sit back, digest something then change their mind.

I don't think you understand how the use of "if" moves pillypens' response into the realm of hypothesis.

BroomBurner

brianthebard wrote: »

I don't think you understand how the use of "if" moves pillypens' response into the realm of hypothesis.

In a hypothesis, one discusses "supposedlies", to put it simply, am I right? As in, "Suppose XXX happened", that would be a hypothesis, yeah? Or no?

Anyway, if one discusses a hypothesis, and proposes one form of action, they must also suppose all other possible actions that may come from that one action. Ergo, "if" Pillypen were to hit her bf, she would not be expecting to be hit back, which is what she said, and which was what I quoted. I was simply stating that this is unfair. Please read my other posts to figure out why I believe this to be unfair.

So no, brianthebard, I do fully understand the use of the word "if", I'm simnply bringing her hypothesis along even further. But thanks anyway for the entirely pointless and off-topic argument.

brianthebard

BroomBurner wrote: »

In a hypothesis, one discusses "supposedlies", to put it simply, am I right? As in, "Suppose XXX happened", that would be a hypothesis, yeah? Or no?

Anyway, if one discusses a hypothesis, and proposes one form of action, they must also suppose all other possible actions that may come from that one action. Ergo, "if" Pillypen were to hit her bf, she would not be expecting to be hit back, which is what she said, and which was what I quoted. I was simply stating that this is unfair. Please read my other posts to figure out why I believe this to be unfair.

So no, brianthebard, I do fully understand the use of the word "if", I'm simnply bringing her hypothesis along even further. But thanks anyway for the entirely pointless and off-topic argument.

(implying that you are not discounting doing exactly that)

this suggests that you think she might or will hit her bf. And you have been suggesting that women should be ready for a fight, talking about toughening themselves up in the gym. You seem very angry for no good reason. No one proposed a form of action, that is the distinction you are missing.

BroomBurner

brianthebard wrote: »

this suggests that you think she might or will hit her bf. And you have been suggesting that women should be ready for a fight, talking about toughening themselves up in the gym. You seem very angry for no good reason. No one proposed a form of action, that is the distinction you are missing.

Ok, for the last time, I will spell my opinion out again.

If a woman hits her boyfriend, she deserves to be hit back. THis is regardless of size difference, etc. If she does not want to be hit back, then she should not hit out in the first place.

Brian, please reread my posts, I think you'll find I'm not an angry/aggressive person at all. In fact, in almost all of them, I have said that I wouldn't hit out at all, and would never incite violence.

Finally, brian, stop arguing on the symantics, you're on to a loser there, and it's off topic.

Sharpshooter

BroomBurner wrote: »

You should know who you take on. For example, I won't hit someone I know will definitely take me out. Ergo, a small woman should not lash out at her bigger OH (unless she knows she can match him). If she does, she should be prepared for them hitting her back. If she isn't prepared, then she has two choices - 1. do NOT hit them first, or 2. Hit them hard enough that they can't hit back. I would always always always opt for OPTION 1 when it comes to a relationship.

So you are saying that if a ( Smaller Female ) lashes out
* l was going along the lines of provocation there * should have made that clearer, at a bigger partner she should be prepared to be hit back?
lt is not ever Black and white.
To me it would depend on what led up to the argument.
Who is in the right and who is wrong ie what started it.
The situation has a lot to do with it.
lf l were a man l would be deeply ashamed of myself were l to hit a woman ( Smaller than myself ) just because she had hit me.
l would hope that my brain would take over in that situation , leave the room , go for a walk and SLAM the door on my way out to get the message across that l was angry.
Rant over.:)

BroomBurner

sharpshooterH wrote: »

So you are saying that if a ( Smaller Female ) lashes out
* l was going along the lines of provocation there * should have made that clearer, at a bigger partner she should be prepared to be hit back.

Spot on, that's what I'm saying. I'm not saying that they will get hit, more often than not, the man in the situation will not hit back. However, that in itself does not give women carte blanche to hit men and expect to get away with it.

Sharpshooter

BroomBurner wrote: »

Spot on, that's what I'm saying. I'm not saying that they will get hit, more often than not, the man in the situation will not hit back. However, that in itself does not give women carte blanche to hit men and expect to get away with it.

So lets say you are 500 pounds ( in weight ) and your other half is say 250 , are you still telling me that if she hit you , you would HIT her back?

BroomBurner

sharpshooterH wrote: »

So lets say you are 500 pounds ( in weight ) and your other half is say 250 , are you still telling me that if she hit you , you would HIT her back?

I'm an 8.5 stone woman, my OH is twice my weight and very strong. If I hit him, he would have every right to hit me back. Same as if he hit me, I would have every right to hit him back. The fact that we both know this means that we are less likely to do it.

Sharpshooter

BroomBurner wrote: »

I'm an 8.5 stone woman, my OH is twice my weight and very strong. If I hit him, he would have every right to hit me back. Same as if he hit me, I would have every right to hit him back. The fact that we both know this means that we are less likely to do it.

You seriously think it would be ok for someone who is twice your weight and very strong ( as you put it )to hit you back,
Sorry , but l don't agree and l really do think you should rethink your opinion on that,
You are giving him the all clear to hit you if you hit him first?
How far into your relationship are you?

Daithi McGee

sharpshooterH wrote: »

So , if a smaller person lashes out at a bigger person ( in a relationship) they Deserve to get hit back?
l am glad that l don't know you outside of Boards.
So , she hits him ( minimum Damage ).
He hits her ( remember he is bigger and stronger )
so therefore much More Damage.
And you are saying that is OK?:eek:
Seriously, Go and have a RE THINK.

I think you need to have a RE THINK. It is not about the damage. It is about the hitting.

Seriously. It is that attitude that leads to abuse.