More Quickies

rocky25

A priest getting ready to hear confessions duddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom.

He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by.

He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession.

Could you take over for a few minutes?"

The janitor began to protest, but the priest said:

"Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance.

No one will know it's you in there"

The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional.

The first parishioner entered the confessional and began

"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery."

The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Mary".

He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys.

The parishioner thanked him and left.

The janitor breathed a sign of relief.

The second parishioner entered the confessional and began

"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain."

The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them.

The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!"

The third parishioner entered and began,

"Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex."

The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal".

He began to get worried.

He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar walking by.

He motioned the boy over.

In a hushed voice, he said

"Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?".

The altar boy looked him quizzically and said,

"Well, two twinkies and a glass of milk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub.

One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three.

The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door.

The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."

"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"

"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

How To Annoy Your Bathroom Neighbour

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter ''

2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''

5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

7. ''Now how did that get there ''

8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''

9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''

10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''

11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please "

12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''

14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do ''

15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.

17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''

18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

The Bollox

the first one was savage

a few of the toilet ones got a good giggle aswell

dh0661

rocky25 wrote: »

18. Drop a DD-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

I'd be ashamed to buy a bra that big, and can't sing.

Xavi6

Love the first two. Can relate to the Aboriginal one in particular!