Miscarriage

Spiderman80884

My wife had a miscarriage last Monday. She was 16 weeks into the pregnancy and it came as a huge shock to us both. We were taken to the Rotunda and the care we received was world class.

My wifes water broke when we arrived back from holidays on Saturday night last. As things worked out she ended up being induced by the doctors at 11pm on Sunday night as the 'labour' hadn't started in the following 24 hrs. Our son was born at 01:15am on Monday morning.

It appears that there are questions when it comes to miscarriage about whether it is good or not to see the child after the fact and after we asked, we were informed by hospital staff that it is really a 50/50 thing, in that for every person that does want to see their child given the option, another one will not take up the offer. Initially we asked not to see the childs body, more out of fear than anything else. Our initial worry was that with everything that is happening down 'that end' that it would not be a memory anybody would want to have of your own child. The staff were brilliant in this respect and worked with a torch under cover effectively to assist with the birth of our little angel.

After this and waiting for the follow up of the placenta we had time to ourselves to think about what we would like to do. I resolved within myself that I owed it to our little boy that I should see him. We had decided that we should have a post-morten conducted so as we could possibly learn something which may benefit any little brother or sister he may have in the future and with this in mind I felt that it was only fair to him that we not show any fear. From my own point of view I would now recommend that if anybody was to be placed in the same position that I would strongly encourage that you say goodbye to your child personally. It gave us strength that we couldn't have hoped for during this ordeal.

When the midwife and bereavement midwife visited us we asked a lot of questions regarding what our little boy looked like, should we be afraid to see him, things like that. They were brilliant and we are getting him blessed tomorrow before we get the opportunity to bury him. The staff wrapped his little body in a tiny linen vest and crossed his little arms. He even had nails on his fingers! He was placed in a little basket and we were allowed to spend any amount of time on our own with him. They are memories I will cherish forever.

I'm really mentioning this here as I have not found any threads relating to miscarriage on the message board and my impression (generally speaking - not just on this forum) is that miscarriage is a bit of a taboo subject. Over the last few days I have heard stories from friends and relatives relating to miscarriages in the past that I had never known about. I had also heard that 1 in 5 pregnancy's in Ireland end in miscarriage.

We understand what happened from a technical point of view and why our little boy never got his chance at life and we know/hope (subject to post mortem and blood test results) that this can be fixed in the future. We also know that in the circumstances, that we could not have prevented this terrible event from happening and from my own point of view my wife is now my inspiration (to see what she had to go through both physically and mentally will live with me till the day I die).

I wanted to mention this here because this is a fact of life and as incredibly difficult as it is to understand and as horrible it is to face up to, the staff at the Rotunda has restored my faith in humanity. I love every last one of them.

Tomorrow we will bury our first child with his grandad who will look after him. We know that he will be a guide for us in the future and that all things being equal he will have little brothers and/or sisters to look after in the future.

Apologies for bending your ears, but I just needed to get this off my chest. RIP my little angel.

Thanks.

Grawns

I'm so sorry and sad to hear your story. Thank you for sharing it as you are right we hear of miscarriages but we can't conceive of the reality unless we've been through it. All my best wishes are with you and your wife. I hope together you find the strength and peace of mind to look towards a happy future soon. Take care of each other.

Peared

You're very brave spiderman, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Unimaginable.

Rest in peace baby spiderman.

LadyE

Im very very sorry for your loss. Cant imagien how hard it is, esp with being so far along in the pregnncy.

Thoughts are with you and your family.

MayMay

What you wrote was brave and beautiful. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife. RIP little angel.

silverharp

sorry to hear that, its about the worst thing that can happen to a parent. we lost a little girl last year at 30 weeks, long story and complicated pregnancy she was with us for a day but got to hold her when they took her off the machines. It is not something I will ever get over and as tragic it is for a dad I know it's worse again for a mother, it is one of those events in life that is truly not fair.

themadchef

MayMay wrote: »

What you wrote was brave and beautiful. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife. RIP little angel.

Well put MayMay. Same here.... RIP.

Quality

Ahh spiderman,

I am so so sorry for you and your wife.

I have a little angel up in heaven, that we lost in June of last year. There is not a day goes by that I dont think of that little baby. I was devastated after my mis.

My thoughts are with you tonight and over the next couple of months.

Take care of yourself and your dear wife.

Quackles

Spiderman, I'm so sorry.. that's something no parent should ever have to face. My condolences to yourself and Mrs. Spiderman.

JB04

I can only add my condolences to you both. My wife suffered a miscarriage a few years ago, so I have some experience of what you must be going through. Take care.

Moonbeam

Condolences to you and babies mammy,I can't even imagine how hard what you are going through must be

*hugs*

Rach

Clare Bear

That was very upsetting to read but beautiful, thank you for sharing that with everyone, I know it wasn't easy. Take care of eachother. I hope in time your little angel in the sky will watch over any little brothers or sisters he may have in the future. Take care x

iguana

Hi Spiderman, I suffered an early term miscarriage last week. It's really tough going and can really feel like hell at times. Everyone will be telling you to take care of your wife, which is exactly what you are going to be feeling anyway. But you will also need to take time to take care of yourself.

I've found that for my husband and myself the experience has brought us closer, although there are times when we both need the exact opposite things and can get a bit annoyed with each other. So it's important that you both feel you have someone else you can talk to and can maybe occasionally give each other a bit of space. It's possible you may find yourselves having stupid arguments at times, and as awful as that will feel, it is natural in times of stress.

Your wife may swing backwards and forwards a bit about trying again. A big part of her may just want to be pregnant again as soon as possible, and another part of her will be terrified of trying again. The important thing is to understand that she may swing back and forth, and just give her time to decide how she wants to move forward. Be honest with her about how you are feeling about trying again too, but don't try to second guess her feelings. (This would be the source of any arguments I've had with my husband, as he is terrified about how I would cope if I had a 2nd miscarriage.)

Talk to your wife as much as possible. She may need to discuss the same things over and over again. Sometimes you might feel that she is hurting herself by keeping on talking about it, but let her get it all out. It will also be natural that as much as she knows this was not her fault, she may still blame herself at times. I blamed myself for just about everything, for having a cocktail the weekend before I knew I was pregnant, for taking an indigestion tablet before I knew. For drinking coffee the morning I miscarried. I know in my head that none of those things made my baby die, but there are times when I question myself. The best thing you can do is listen to her and keep reassuring her.

You will find yourself having ups and downs. Some days I feel strong, and confident that I can move forward. Other days it's a real struggle to get out of bed. I'm sorry if I'm not expressing myself very well, or assuming that my experience will be like yours. I'd also imagine that once you are past the first scan losing a baby is harder. You and your wife have my sympathy.

Lillyella

I'm terribly sorry to hear about this Spiderman. I've suffered a number of miscarriages, but they were all before 10 weeks and so I don't think they were as bad as what you and your wife went through.

I'm relieved to hear that you were treated well in the Rotunda, my experience of Holles St has not been good on my last one.

There are no words, and you will find people say the most ridicuous insensitive things, and you must not hold it against them if possible, they dont realise what they are saying.

I'm glad you spent some time with your darling son, I think it was the right thing to do, and I shed a tear when you said you felt you owed it to him.

lh

I can't pretend to know what you are going through but do strongly believe you made the right choice in seeing him.

Blessings and thought with you both at this time.....

JayeL

Growing up, I was always aware of miscarriages. My Mam had one, so did my best friend's Mam and an aunt. It always seemed to me to be one of those things, a part of life.

Reading your account is reading the best case scenario of this horrifically-unfair tragedy and it scares me. I might deal with it, I might not. But it's the courage of people like you, who wipe away the tears and carry on, that makes me think that maybe I could get through my wife having a miscarriage.

It's so important that we get a chance to read an account of miscarriage, thanks for sharing and all the best in the future.

templetonpeck

What a story. I was afraid to read it first because I only found out I was expecting a week ago and it's still very early days. But I'm glad I did, I've spent the last week fretting over 'what if's and terrified something will go wrong, but after reading this I guess if something does go wrong, there is still something to be taken from it.

Thank you spiderman, I am so sorry to you and your wife for what you went through. I'm sure his Grandad is taking great care of baby Spiderman xxx

LolaDub

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My mother had a miscarriage pre me and we recently got a little memorial plaque made for him and put it on the family grave so we have somewhere to visit for him. I think it really helped my mum a lot. My thoughts and prayers are with you now x

Spiderman80884

Thank you so much for all of your words of encouragement. I'm reading them all with 'wet eyes' and a smile on my face.

This is the first time I've visited boards.ie since I wrote what I wrote two weeks ago and since then we have been learning to come to terms with our situation and starting to move in some respects.

Since then we had a lovely little service for our little man attended by ourselves and the grandparents. It was conducted in a small room off the mortuary at the Rotunda where the chaplain was so sincere in her words. She read a poem to us called "To My Parents", written from the point of view of our child and gave us a copy that we can keep for ourselves from him. A beautifully compassionate touch by her. (If anybody would like to read it let me know and I'll pop it up here)

We buried him that morning with his grandfather in a service conducted by our parish priest where our own brothers and sisters joined us. It was a beautiful day, the sun shone down on us and in the numerous moments of reflection the birds sang away. A very sad moment we will cherish forever.

To Iguana: Thank you especially for your words. It seems like you are going through exactly what we are. There have been moments where both my wife and I have not seen eye to eye over silly little things but the most important aspect of all of this is that we have become a lot closer together. No matter what happens in the future, the way we look at things are that I am now a dad and my wife is now a mam. That is all we want.

We are waiting for the results of the post mortem and should have them back in a few weeks and we will hopefully be able to confirm what the midwife and obstetrician both think was the likely cause.

I must say that it is nice to be anonymous like this and still share my feelings on the matter will a compassionate bunch such as yourselves. We are now confident that things will work out for us in the mid to long term (pending the results of the post mortem), and if one person can take any solace from our experience then I am happy that you would see it as small little bit of a legacy from our little angel who we think about every day. Maybe you might say a prayer for him. Miscarriage is a fact of life - 40 in Ireland every day!! - that's 40 little angels too good for this world.

Thanks again for all of your kind words. They have been a help to me.

JB04

I'm glad you found support here. When my wife miscarried, we were too early in the pregnancy to have anyone to bury, but we "adopted" my wife's brother's grave. I think it brings us more closure, that we have somehwere to visit, even though him/her is not there. hope that makes sense!

Quality

I also had nothing to bury... I planted a yellow rose out my back garden and have a little cherub statue beside it. The kids know it is their little angel out the back garden and I get great comfort from it especially when in full bloom.

The reason I picked yellow was because yellow was my bridesmaid colour and this would have been our honeymoon baby.

I hope things are getting a bit better for you now..

JB04

Quality wrote: »

I hope things are getting a bit better for you now..

Yes, things are great for us now. time heals. We have had another child since the miscarriage. There is the odd difficult day of course.

Quality

JB04 wrote: »

Yes, things are great for us now. time heals. We have had another child since the miscarriage. There is the odd difficult day of course.

Well as you can see from me I am pregnant at the moment, the first day of my last period was the day the baby was due to be born that we lost. So although it didnt feel great to wake up with a period, I look at it now with a meant to be attitude. I found that date and the date that I actually lost the baby to be two of the hardest so far to deal with.

For me getting pregnant again really eased a lot of the pain and although very nervous this time round, It has helped me move on a lot.
In saying that it took me while before I could decide on whether to start trying again, I was terrified of going through that loss again.

She Devil

I am roaring crying reading this :(:( I am so sorry for you Spiderman, for you and your family, and to you girls who have been through this aswell. It is such a horrible feeling, grief is different because you don't have any memories but think, what if?, the whole time. I have had three since January 2007!! My last one was six weeks ago, We have planted two threes and now have to go get another one, My thoughts and support is with you all.
x x x

JB04

She Devil,

I am so sorry for you and your OH. One miscarriage is tough, three must be unbearable.:( Take care of each other.

MayMay

So sorry She Devil, 3 is awful. One day you will have little angels x

Karen Hyland

really sorry to hear of your situation, we were there a couple of months ago and it's not a nice place to be at all. the rotunda likewise were fabulous - making a horrific day bearable. I hope your wife is doing ok, it's a tough time. Just wanted to post a quick reply when I read your message. Karen

marti101

Sorry for your loss ive had 3 mc myself.Just to say what a beautiful thiing to have done and the mass and grave at least now if ypu are feeling down you can visit.I hope hes looking down on you as proud of yourselves as you should be.Handling this with grace and compassion.Prayers are being said for you and your wife as this very difficult time.

Anorak1

Spiderman
It breaks my heart to read your story
My wife and I had 4 miscarraiges in 5 years , the last one being just over 2 years ago
Sometimes we had something to bury, sometimes not


Now we have a lovely son and while the memories dont go he was worth the wait.

Like you we felt all along after the first one that we were a Mum and Dad and I hope things work out well for you

She Devil I am so sorry to hear of your story also. Are you seeng anyone or having investigations done

If you read the posts under natural methods in the ttc forum we attended A Dr Boyle in Galway clinic and I know we wouldnt have our fella without him

00_katie_00

Please accept my deepest condolences.

My mother had a miscarriage when i was 10 and my brother was 8 yrs old, all I was told or all i remember is that the baby was a girl and that they would have named her Sophie, it makes me sad that my parents never put up a memorial for her. I was simply left to forget all about her. They went on to have my sister a few years after. This subject makes me sad thinking about how much fun it would have been to know her.

I hope and pray that your wife & you will get your wish, you are both an inspiration for doing what you have done.

God bless you.

annamarie2013

Spiderman,
I hope you are all doing well since. I would appreciate reading the poem you mentioned if it were possible?
Thank you...

Spiderman80884 wrote: »

Thank you so much for all of your words of encouragement. I'm reading them all with 'wet eyes' and a smile on my face.

This is the first time I've visited boards.ie since I wrote what I wrote two weeks ago and since then we have been learning to come to terms with our situation and starting to move in some respects.

Since then we had a lovely little service for our little man attended by ourselves and the grandparents. It was conducted in a small room off the mortuary at the Rotunda where the chaplain was so sincere in her words. She read a poem to us called "To My Parents", written from the point of view of our child and gave us a copy that we can keep for ourselves from him. A beautifully compassionate touch by her. (If anybody would like to read it let me know and I'll pop it up here)

We buried him that morning with his grandfather in a service conducted by our parish priest where our own brothers and sisters joined us. It was a beautiful day, the sun shone down on us and in the numerous moments of reflection the birds sang away. A very sad moment we will cherish forever.

To Iguana: Thank you especially for your words. It seems like you are going through exactly what we are. There have been moments where both my wife and I have not seen eye to eye over silly little things but the most important aspect of all of this is that we have become a lot closer together. No matter what happens in the future, the way we look at things are that I am now a dad and my wife is now a mam. That is all we want.

We are waiting for the results of the post mortem and should have them back in a few weeks and we will hopefully be able to confirm what the midwife and obstetrician both think was the likely cause.

I must say that it is nice to be anonymous like this and still share my feelings on the matter will a compassionate bunch such as yourselves. We are now confident that things will work out for us in the mid to long term (pending the results of the post mortem), and if one person can take any solace from our experience then I am happy that you would see it as small little bit of a legacy from our little angel who we think about every day. Maybe you might say a prayer for him. Miscarriage is a fact of life - 40 in Ireland every day!! - that's 40 little angels too good for this world.

Thanks again for all of your kind words. They have been a help to me.