A few not so quickies

GAAman · 25-09-2008 5:01pm #1

> A cabbie picks up a Nun.
>
> She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
> won't stop staring at her.
>
> She asks him why he is staring.
> He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
> offend
> you.'
> She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
> am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
> andhear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
> could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
>
> 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'
>
> She responds,
> 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
> #1, You have to be single
> #2, You must be Catholic.
> # 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from
> behind.
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single, Catholic,
> and I'm happy to enter from behind!'
>
> 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
>
> The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker
> blush.
>
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
> 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
>
> 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
> and I'm Jewish..'
>
> The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy
> dress party.'

_________________________________________________________________

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

_________________________________________________________________

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to

take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have

the

time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,

nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is

lying

on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen

rows

up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get

here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed

here

when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash

up

with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat

out of

raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum

tree

branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and

stern

came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of

the

island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found

if I

fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile

iron.

I

used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of

rowing,

she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he

nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an

exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp

rope,

the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the

house,

she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down,

please.

Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.

'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut

juice,'

winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they

sit

down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories,

the

woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs

in

the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There,

in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two

shells

honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a

swivel

mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,

strategically

positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him

to

sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've

been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something

I'm

sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been

longing

for?' She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'