Mothers 'grandmother' bet

girl_friday

Just had a conversation with my sister about this tonight... Made me think!! Don't see it as a PI but if mods feel differently please move it!!

My mother has put a bet on with her sister that she will never be a grandmother... Not a large amount of money at stake but to be honest both my sister and I feel this is pretty insulting. My mother has no qualms about telling us about it either and has pretty much taken on a grandmother role with my cousins' kids as she is blatant that it is her 'only chance to see what its like'!!

We are both mid-twenties so it seems a little soon to write us off! Particularly since my sister is in a stable relationship for years but as she is still studying they obviously are not in a position to rear a child and have been responsible about this. My mother seems to think however that my sister is not the maternal type and so will never have children... Personally I think she couldn't be more wrong!!

As for me... Well the standard response I get is along the lines of 'well, you're getting on and you're still single so I won't hold my breath!'


So... to add a bit of humour... Anyone want to go halves on a bastard??

Ladies, would ye be insulted at this or am I just over sensitive?? Anyone else have a broody mother?? Suggestions on how to keep her quiet??

coffee_cake

i'm confused what the problem is here

you feel that an expectation of not having children is insulting?

i'd be insulted if all my mother expected of my life was for me to have children

brianthebard

PM sent op.
Seriously though, are mothers always such ***** to their daughters? I see it with my ma and sisters.

aviendha

+1 on the broody mother, I'm the only daughter and am frequently hearing that she's the only aunt who isn't a grandmother (I'm 28) but she's not so insensitive to write me off as a barren-lost-cause yet!!

girl_friday

Yeah, to be honest I do. I think the fact that she has made the decision that we will choose not to have children is very presumptuous - what if its a case that we can't have children for example??

Yes, I would also be insulted if she just wanted me to be a baby machine and didn't see me as being capable of doing anything else in my life but tbh my sister is currently doing a Phd and I have a very good career and she seems to have gone completely the opposite in that because we have been ambitious that we are incapable of having a family down the line... Is there really something wrong with the fact that both of us are mature and responsible enough to not want to bring a child into the world if we are not in a position to support it financially, emotionally etc??? She has spent the last 11 years or so warning me not to get pregnant and now she is putting bets on that I never will... Makes no sense to me!! :rolleyes:

Just wondering I suppose if other mothers are as mad as mine!! Is it just a mother/daughter thing??

girl_friday

aviendha wrote: »

(I'm 28) but she's not so insensitive to write me off as a barren-lost-cause yet!!

I just turned 27... My sister is younger!! :rolleyes:

Blush_01

I'd be insulted too.

Zaph

girl_friday wrote: »

So... to add a bit of humour... Anyone want to go halves on a bastard??

I do believe I'm automatically at the head of any queues of this nature here.


Tbh, it's an odd thing for any mother to say to her daughters. My brother became a dad for the first time at the age of 35 yesterday, and his wife is 31. There's a lot of life to be be lived between your mid-20s and even 31, although I know several women who have had their first child when they were older than that. It's not like you reach a certain age and then the government bans you from having kids. I wouldn't have considered either my brother or his wife likely parents when they were your age, so writing someone off that young is a bit premature imo. And, should you decide never to have kids, well that's entirely your business, not your mother's, as much as she may want to be a grandmother.

girl_friday

Zaph wrote: »

I do believe I'm automatically at the head of any queues of this nature here.

woohoo!! Your place or mine??

Red Hand

girl_friday, I do not want to alarm you but...maybe your mother is pathelogically scared of being a grandmother, so much so, that one way or the other, she will not become a grandmother? As soon as you or your sister become pregnant, she may do a Kurt Cobain?:eek:

OK, that was in bad taste. I apologise!

Zaph

girl_friday wrote: »

woohoo!! Your place or mine??

About bloody time this mod gig paid off.

Jeremiah 16:1 wrote: »

girl_friday, I do not want to alarm you but...maybe your mother is pathelogically scared of being a grandmother, so much so, that one way or the other, she will not become a grandmother? As soon as you or your sister become pregnant, she may do a Kurt Cobain?:eek:

OK, that was in bad taste. I apologise!

Yes, that was in bad taste. Please do try to engage your brain before you post next time.

Clare Bear

My sister has taken all the pressure off me with her three little brats so I never get comments like that.

If I did I'd slap her upside the head though!

Aisling(",)

my mam didnt have me till she as 42 so youve loads of time left.just ignore her id say

girl_friday

Thanks for all the great responses guys!! Feel a bit less paranoid now!!

WindSock

How much money did she bet? If its a lot, I'd have a baby just to spite her then leave it with her to spite her some more

Oryx

Put a bet on with your sister about whether your mother or your aunt will become incontinent and go in a care home first. See how amusing they find it.:D

But seriously if shes laying it on a bit thick and its annoying you, then let her know its hurtful and not funny. If, heaven forbid you did try for a kid and couldnt have one, she'd probably feel awful. Explain that to her, along with the fact that you are not her and dont have the same ambitions as she did... cos she really hasnt thought past her own grannyhood to your feelings.

RubyXI

My mother says that too. Although in our case it's probably true. My sister is 28, my brother nearly 27, neither of them do relationships. I'm 24. Been with my bf over 2 years. But my mother is well aware that i'm not very child friendly.... to put it mildly. Although recently i'v been thinking maybe it wouldnt be so bad. But i havent told my mother that! So yes it wrecks my head when she says it but in a way i can see where she's coming from...

seamus

Sounds like your mother is trying to guilt you into getting your skates on.

I think most children at some point start to hear from their parents about how they'd love to be a grandparent and "Oh woe is me to die without a grandchild". I don't think it's malicious, more just one of those annoying comments that people make to young people, same as, "When are you going to give us a day out?".

Is your mother particularly getting on in years though? Maybe she's actually depressed or unhappy and thinks that she'll be dead before either you or your sister get married and have kids?

John Mason

my mother also accepted the fact that she will never be a grandmother, and she now considers my cousins children as her grandchildren. she is happy with the situation, they children are happy as they have grandmothers coming out of their ears - they have 5 including my mother

i dont really see what the problem is ?

Dudess

bluewolf wrote: »

i'm confused what the problem is here

you feel that an expectation of not having children is insulting?

i'd be insulted if all my mother expected of my life was for me to have children

I know what you're saying but it's still horrible of mothers to put pressure on their daughters to have children, which is what it seems the OP's mum is doing - even if she appears to be all resigned to it. "Oh well, I'm just going to have to accept the fact that I'll never be a grandmother... sigh" seems like a particularly manipulative pressure tactic to me - far worse actually than "When will you settle down with a nice young man and have a family?" And having a bet - Jesus Christ. If she said "I don't automatically expect my daughters to have children - you do what you want in life, don't feel pressure to keep others happy" it would be an entirely different matter... although she shouldn't have to say anything really.

girl_friday wrote: »

Well the standard response I get is along the lines of 'well, you're getting on and you're still single so I won't hold my breath!'

At 27? Seriously, wtf...
That means you'll NEVER meet anyone because nobody meets anyone between the ages of 27 and their early to mid 30s. :rolleyes:

Thanks Christ my mum's not like that. In fact she'd probably prefer if I didn't have kids as she knows how hard I'd find it.

St Bill

OP, your mother only seems to be worried about her lack of grandchildren, you and your sister's happiness don't seem to figure in her grand plan. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will live your life how you see fit.
If that doesn't work, well then you'll have carte blanche to go down the route suggested by Oryx :pac:

girl_friday

seamus wrote: »

Is your mother particularly getting on in years though? Maybe she's actually depressed or unhappy and thinks that she'll be dead before either you or your sister get married and have kids?

She's 50 at the end of this month

Strangely enough I don't consider that old!!

Stheno

brianthebard wrote: »

PM sent op.
Seriously though, are mothers always such ***** to their daughters? I see it with my ma and sisters.

They can be, took me years to learn to get on with my mother, we get on pretty well now tho

girl_friday wrote: »

She's 50 at the end of this month

Strangely enough I don't consider that old!!

Jeez, that's not old at all, have either you or your sister ever indicated that you are not interested in kids?

Dudess

Very young actually to have a 27-year-old daughter, but there you go: back when she was your age, most of her peers were married - maybe a lot of them were long married. God that was only 1985, but it was still well over two decades ago. Tell her times have changed majorly...

rainbow kirby

girl_friday wrote: »

She's 50 at the end of this month

Strangely enough I don't consider that old!!

My 67 year old grandmother has started asking me when she's going to have great-grandchildren... She doesn't realise quite how unlikely that is :pac:

girl_friday

nouggatti wrote: »

have either you or your sister ever indicated that you are not interested in kids?

My sister wouldn't be the most maternal but I don't think she has ever said she doesn't want kids... Its more that she doesn't know what to do with them and gets stressed out when they are other peoples... Personally I'd love kids but would prefer to be in a stable relationship when having them...

I went into a longterm relationship at the age of 16... Got engaged at 22... She freaked and said I was too young!! relationship broke up 15 months later (3 years ago) and she told me I should not have another serious relationship for at least three years... :eek:

I've had one or two serious relationships but nothing long lasting since then and tbh I have crap taste in men so looks like I'll be holding off on having kids for another while anyway!! :rolleyes:

Stheno

girl_friday wrote: »

My sister wouldn't be the most maternal but I don't think she has ever said she doesn't want kids... Its more that she doesn't know what to do with them and gets stressed out when they are other peoples... Personally I'd love kids but would prefer to be in a stable relationship when having them...

I went into a longterm relationship at the age of 16... Got engaged at 22... She freaked and said I was too young!! relationship broke up 15 months later (3 years ago) and she told me I should not have another serious relationship for at least three years... :eek:

I've had one or two serious relationships but nothing long lasting since then and tbh I have crap taste in men so looks like I'll be holding off on having kids for another while anyway!! :rolleyes:

meh, sounds like she is trying to live your life for you in a way? Or maybe she's resentful that you maybe are having the sort of life she wished for?

Btw one of my best friends had her first child two years ago aged forty, a lovely, happy, healthy girl so you've lots of time yet!

My ma once went so far as to advise one of my partners that they should leave as they'd never be able to put up with me!! She's calmed down somewhat in recent years

girl_friday

nouggatti wrote: »

meh, sounds like she is trying to live your life for you in a way? Or maybe she's resentful that you maybe are having the sort of life she wished for?

Btw one of my best friends had her first child two years ago aged forty, a lovely, happy, healthy girl so you've lots of time yet!

My ma once went so far as to advise one of my partners that they should leave as they'd never be able to put up with me!! She's calmed down somewhat in recent years

So overall there is hope yet!! Thanks!!