Daughter being bullied - please help

Daithi McGee

Sadmum wrote: »

HI, Thanks to all those that posted with advice, about the after hours clubs, we've tried a few of these. Shes stayed the duration (10 weeks ) with the swimming/drama/art
I might try more with music/ martial arts and girl guides, they sound good.
Just to reply to a few comments, to elle, I have reported it to the principal because it was not only ostracization but in fact they were making comments about her. It's gotten to a point where she's the 'uncool person' so that even though individual people in her class might like her, its deemed 'uncool' to talk to her.
I know this because a girl that I'd invited many times to our house presented her with a present (which was given in secret to her in the toilets, and a 'do not tell anyone' label attached!) and only because her mum felt bad because her daughter had been invited to our house so many times and when she tried to invite our daughter she was told 'no I cant invite her...' Thanks to cavangal, rentdayblues, dixiefly, karen* and the rest for all your informative comments. I hope to build her self esteem, and BTW I tell her I love her every day.

Having read the thread I don't understand why you say she is being bullied bar being uncool? What is uncool about her, to the others? Does she wear glasses or some thing?

Kids are not adults and have their own ways of going about things. Why have the others said she is uncool? Perhaps that uncool reason needs to be looked at or dismissed?

Cmol

Daithi McGee wrote: »

Having read the thread I don't understand why you say she is being bullied bar being uncool? What is uncool about her, to the others? Does she wear glasses or some thing?

Kids are not adults and have their own ways of going about things. Why have the others said she is uncool? Perhaps that uncool reason needs to be looked at or dismissed?

Kids dont neccesarily need a reason to bully someone

S.L.F

Thaedydal wrote: »

It depends on what you mean by 'strong' those that are strong willing and dont fall in line with the status quo and with the socail pack mentality and speak thier mind and aren't easily intimidated can be bullied a due to the fact they rock the boat when the popular kids
want thier way.

What I mean by strong is in this web-page

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm#Why

3) Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible
Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

• popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
• competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
• intelligence and intellect
• honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
• you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
• a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
• you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
• successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
• a sense of humour, including displays of quick-wittedness
• imaginative, creative, innovative
• idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
• ability to master new skills
• ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
• sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
• slow to anger
• helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
• giving and selfless
• difficulty saying no
• diligent, industrious
• tolerant
• strong sense of honour
• irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
• an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (eg through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc)
• low propensity to violence (ie you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
• a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
• a desire to always think well of others
• being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
• being unwilling to lower standards
• a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
• high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
• a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
• low assertiveness
• a need to feel valued
• quick to apologise when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
• perfectionism
• higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
• a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
• high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
• a tendency to internalise anger rather than express it

RugbyFanatic

S.L.F wrote: »

What I mean by strong is in this web-page

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm#Why

3) Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible
Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

• popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
• competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
• intelligence and intellect
• honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
• you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
• a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
• you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
• successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
• a sense of humour, including displays of quick-wittedness
• imaginative, creative, innovative
• idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
• ability to master new skills
• ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
• sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
• slow to anger
• helpful, always willing to share knowledge and experience
• giving and selfless
• difficulty saying no
• diligent, industrious
• tolerant
• strong sense of honour
• irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
• an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself (eg through tests, exams, appraisals, manager's feedback, etc)
• low propensity to violence (ie you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
• a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
• a desire to always think well of others
• being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
• being unwilling to lower standards
• a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
• high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
• a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
• low assertiveness
• a need to feel valued
• quick to apologise when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
• perfectionism
• higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
• a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
• high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
• a tendency to internalise anger rather than express it

Going to have to completely disagree with all of that. I reckon that list was made for those being bullied to feel better about themselves.

The people who tend to get bullied are those who are too weak to stand up for themselves, socially inept or different from the pack (i.e odd)

Bullies don't go after strong people who will stand up for themselves that is common fact.

To let yourself get bullied IMO is shameful, stand up and respect yourself. Simple as that.

S.L.F

RugbyFanatic wrote: »

Going to have to completely disagree with all of that. I reckon that list was made for those being bullied to feel better about themselves.

The people who tend to get bullied are those who are too weak to stand up for themselves, socially inept or different from the pack (i.e odd)

Bullies don't go after strong people who will stand up for themselves that is common fact.

To let yourself get bullied IMO is shameful, stand up and respect yourself. Simple as that.

Tell that to the 11 year old schoolgirl...

Zillah

S.L.F wrote: »

Tell that to the 11 year old schoolgirl...

I believe the list you have above is pure nonsense but I do agree that telling an 11 year old schoolgirl to stand up for herself is a little ridiculous.

Daithi McGee

Cmol wrote: »

Kids dont neccesarily need a reason to bully someone

Agreed, I did say Kids are not adults and have their own ways of going about things.

I was wondering was there an actual reason the child was being excluded? To be seen as uncool? Like wearing glasses for an example. In case you didnt read that right, as you did before, I am not saying the child was excluded for wearing glasses or condoning it, I am just asking the question

Victor

RugbyFanatic wrote: »

To let yourself get bullied IMO is shameful, stand up and respect yourself. Simple as that.

Banned.*

As people have mentioned out, your point is off. Its akin to telling paraplegics to get their act together and walk up the stairs.


* not really.

S.L.F

Zillah wrote: »

you're teaching her to think like a victim.

When and if you ever have kids and they get bullied I hope you don't blame them for it.

Zillah wrote: »

I believe the list you have above is pure nonsense

Which part of the list is nonsense? All of it or just bits

Perhaps you would like to give your opinion on why it is some people get bullied and others don't.

challengemaster

Male opinion here..Having been bullied (for freckin' ages over the years) - It's never a nice situation to be in. Bullies do pick on "strong" people. I think strong is the wrong word there, more like people who are actually benificial to society in some form. Looking at those bullies now, confirms that as they're spending each day of their life now on the dole and in pubs.

What worked for me (not that I reccomend this) - was smashing the bullies head through a window. I literally just snapped one day and bam.. the feeling was great like, to make a bully cry. Never grinned as much. Got a kinda psycho rep after that incident and that kinda put an end to crap.

These days, there's just muppets who'd make an odd remark about being ginger or whatever - but after years of that shoite it pretty much brushes off. Obviously knowing that you're a better person and they're doing it because they feel inferior - tends to work against them.

As its probably been said, these people won't even be remembered in 10 years time like. People scatter for college, you make new friends, the way things go..etc etc. Sports club of something she likes and she'll make decent friends through that.



Also if my post is pure inane crap completly incoherent - I apologise. I got 3 hours sleep and was up at 6am or so..

S.L.F

challengemaster wrote: »

What worked for me (not that I reccomend this) - was smashing the bullies head through a window. I literally just snapped one day and bam.. the feeling was great like, to make a bully cry. Never grinned as much. Got a kinda psycho rep after that incident and that kinda put an end to crap.

I doubt that would work for an 11 year old girl.

But on the same vein this is what happens to a lot of the targets of bullies they just snap and bring unholy retribution upon their tormentors.

Richly deserved as it is I don't recommend this course of action for anybody....

S.L.F

Kooli wrote: »

As a counsellor who works with a lot of adults who were bullied as kids, I'm often shocked by how little understanding there is for how harrowing and painful it can be.

It absolutely has to be brought out into the open. The school will have a policy in place, they should use it.

As for your daughter, it will make a huge difference to her to know she has your support and to hear you saying, directly or indirectly, 'what is happening to you is not OK'. Unless she gets that message, she may feel she deserves it, that the bullies are justified, that it's not OK to be smart etc.

I question anti-bullying schemes that put the responsibility for the bullying onto the victim. They have a right not to be bullied. It's not their fault. They shouldn't be taught how 'not to be a target', because that tells them it IS their fault in some way.

I had a quick look through bullying and came across this post.

Makes a lot of sense!

Cmol

Daithi McGee wrote: »

Agreed, I did say Kids are not adults and have their own ways of going about things.

I was wondering was there an actual reason the child was being excluded? To be seen as uncool? Like wearing glasses for an example. In case you didnt read that right, as you did before, I am not saying the child was excluded for wearing glasses or condoning it, I am just asking the question

Sorry!I dont know how I missed that part of your post

the_syco

S.L.F wrote: »

What I mean by strong is in this web-page

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm#Why

Thanks for telling us. "Strong" wouldn't be the best word, but I see what you mean.

=-=

I got bullied cos I was tall. Half way through secondary I fought fire with fire (guerilla warfare ftw), and they eventually stopped.

My only advice to the OP, is to get your kid to join scouts. It's great craic altogether. Did it for about 6 years.

S.L.F

the_syco wrote: »

Thanks for telling us. "Strong" wouldn't be the best word, but I see what you mean.

=-=

I got bullied cos I was tall. Half way through secondary I fought fire with fire (guerilla warfare ftw), and they eventually stopped.

My only advice to the OP, is to get your kid to join scouts. It's great craic altogether. Did it for about 6 years.

Can't think of a better word other than strong?

Regarding your school years you were not bullied because you were tall you were bullied because you were there, it was not your fault.

The people who bullied you were the ones at fault.

Jack Sheehan

RugbyFanatic wrote: »

Going to have to completely disagree with all of that. I reckon that list was made for those being bullied to feel better about themselves.

The people who tend to get bullied are those who are too weak to stand up for themselves, socially inept or different from the pack (i.e odd)

Bullies don't go after strong people who will stand up for themselves that is common fact.

To let yourself get bullied IMO is shameful, stand up and respect yourself. Simple as that.

Dude, what the hell, this is the worst advice I've heard in an age.

K-9

S.L.F wrote: »

What I mean by strong is in this web-page

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bully.htm#Why

3) Personal qualities that bullies find irresistible

Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:

• popularity (this stimulates jealousy in the less-than-popular bully)
  
  No, kids want to be popular, they side with the popular one.
  
  
• competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
  
  Nah, being good at football etc. can give them power to bully.
  
  
• intelligence and intellect
  
  
  Agree with that one.
  
  
• honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
  
  
  Agree
  
  
• you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
• a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
• you're always willing to go that extra mile and expect others to do the same
• successful, tenacious, determined, courageous, having fortitude
• a sense of humour, including displays of quick-wittedness
• imaginative, creative, innovative
• idealistic, optimistic, always working for improvement and betterment of self, family, the employer, and the world
• ability to master new skills
• ability to think long term and to see the bigger picture
• being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
• being unwilling to lower standards
• a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
• high expectations of those in authority and a dislike of incompetent people in positions of power who abuse power
• a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
• low assertiveness
• a need to feel valued
• quick to apologise when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
• perfectionism
• higher-than-average levels of dependency, naivety and guilt
• a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable
• high coping skills under stress, especially when the injury to health becomes apparent
• a tendency to internalise anger rather than express it

Now you're talking crap. Some points are good, but it's like a tick the 10 boxes list and probably give me your money

Most of them are just repeating the same point.

OP, try the extra curriculur stuff and reinforce the equality part. Also tell her, there will always be bullies, as we all know.

Her confidence will get stronger and hopefully, others will be attracted to her.

The above is advice, it may work or it mighn't.

Unfortunately many seem to know it all in this thread!

PS. It does look like you googled bullying and got an adult bullying site, not a child bullying site.

When I looked at your link that was confirmed!

Scouts or cubs is a good idea too.

Marksie

S.L.F: you are not the OP and have taken this thread away from its original purpose.
If you wish to start a discussion on general bullying please take it to humanities.

CFould we please deal with it from the point of the OP folks

S.L.F

Seanies32 wrote: »

Her confidence will get stronger and hopefully, others will be attracted to her.

Just because someone is quiet doesn't mean they are weak or lack confidence, people who are quiet have friends in school, people who are quiet can be popular and good at school work, and have a life outside the school gates.

When a child is being bullied all these things are eroded, I have read through the whole thread again and I see from it that at least 90% of posters believe that if the 11 year old girl was more confident she would not be bullied.

One would almost get the impression it was the 11 year old girl fault that she is being bullied not the bully.

Marksie

S.L.F: Chill out and take a break from this thread. your posting is getting emotive and directed

LegacyUser

My daughter was treated the exact same in 6th class and is also a very nice kid - too nice too. I felt so bad for her and talked to her about it and although I couldn't make the kids she wanted to like her, to like her she did get make friends with couple of other kids that were much nicer to her. It always upset her that the others could ignore her or even worse at times include her only to drop her suddenly for no reason but she did leave school happier than during the year and realised some kids just arn't nice.

My daughter is now in 1st yr secondary and unfortuantely remains quite shy. She is great while in class but finds break tough when the girls only want to discuss boys and gossip and she doesn't have any interest in boys yet and hates gossiping about people in case it hurts their feelings.

All we can do is ensure they talk about what is annoying them and reassure them its not them and that we were all awkward at that age and it will get easier. I don't know if it helps to know there is another kid like yours out there but I hope it eases the worry a bit to know your child will get thru 6th class and have a chance to start again in secondary school.

Finally talk to the teacher about bullying don't let it go unreported you will regret it if u do I know I do.

LegacyUser

Does anyone know the Educational Equivialant of "Constructive Dismissal"
My 10 year old spent her last day today in her original school, all because 2 kids that came into the school last year made her life hell for the last year and a bit.
My one is now in 5th class, these other kids are 3rd and 5th class.
Small 2 classroom school and to cut a very distressing and long story short, the school has said MY daughter is VERY happy in school and that there is no problem even though I brought this to their door 3 times, and my duaghter came home in tears more often than not.
The bully kids I could,ve handled, the teacher/principles unjust actions and lack of action I couldnot. The majority of other parents are afraid of principle/teacher!!

Anyway forced to move 1 daughter the other one is happy for the moment(she's only 6) and the principle THINKS she's won!!

Any ideas????

Rosie