Finding it difficult to make friends

Schoolteacher

redroar1942 wrote: »

I'm surprised you took the post literally. Are you really a teacher or is it just an alias ?

Just an alias. Hey, I just feel sorry for people who have difficulty making friends. Why dont all these people who have answered Mezain's poster be his/her friend?

440Hz

Anyone fancy a meet up? http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055415999 Planning a little meet up over in the Cork City thread if anyone here is interested...

rebel girl 15

Arts is one of the most lonely courses to be takin, in terms of making friends and being with people.

Celtise

hang in their guys its gets better in later years of arts i know as the classes get smaller.

friends of mine in arts do have few friends in their class that they did not know prior though my flatmates are 2nd arts and became really good friends from last year (history or history of art i think). so just try your best. i met all my friends (not arts) through flatmates or friends or juist by talking to that stranger that sits beside you. thats how i met most people when i started out.

Serafina_jah

mezain wrote: »

I'm a mature student (but not old) who's just started first year, but i'm finding it very very difficult to make friends in the course. I've tried the usual talking to people in lectures, inviting them to go for coffee in the Main, etc, yet nothing seems to work. I have joined the usual clubs/societies but i'd rather make friends with people in my course who i'll see day in day out. I haven't got a bad personality and don't have a face like Frankenstein. Yet i'm beginning to feel very left out as practically everyone else in the course seems to have made friends.

What should i do?

Hey Mezain!! How are ye getting on making new friends? What did you find helped the most??

I'm on a quest to find new friends myself. I'm not at college though. I just moved to Tallaght, would anyone have any advice for making new friends there? Any good evening classes or social groups to join??

advisor

There are lots of students who take time to settle in, but when you haven't done so yourself it seems as if everyone else has friends. UCC is starting a new mentoring service after Christmas and you can get details from the Students' Union office. Keith is particularly friendly and will give you details. Good luck.

questioner

where to start..

First off, fair play for having the balls to actually pipe up and say "hey, I'm lonely", especially these days when a persons social merit is instantaneously calculated on the basis of how many friends they have on their bebo page.
Admitting (even to yourself) that you feel isolated or alienated can be an unpleasant experience and it is genuinely hard to know what to say when someone confides in you that they are lonely. Its a problem that's far more prevalent in Irish society than we would care to admit to, for example - this is the second most viewed page on the ucc forum. This thread has 37 replies and over 3000 views, now maths isn't really my strong point but you could posit that for every person willing to post a comment and discuss there's maybe 70 people who are interested enough to read it. Ironical that people should find common ground in the theme of alienation.

Secondly, there's no point in trying to force friendship onto people, that's like trying to hold onto sand, and its a surefire way to alienate yourself even further. Look at it objectively, would you want to be friends with someone who came across as needy? I apologize if you take that statement up as my saying your needy, I'm not, I'm just saying to bear it in mind. You say your 24, I'm 25 and if i was in first year with a pile of last years leaving certers i would feel about a million miles away from them, and properly so. If you think that you have the same mentality as the first years on your course then pick up the student magazine and see if you find the constant salacious remarks, childish innuendo and drunken photos entertaining. Now don't get me wrong when i was 18 i hadn't a clue, fair enough I'm 25 now and i still haven't a ****en clue, the difference is now i know i don't.

Thirdly, Focus on being independent, the sorriest thing I ever did in college was not focus more on my studies. I graduated last year with a fairly mediocre 2.2, which cost me my place on the masters programme. What cost me my 2.1 was working a part time job and going out and doing the drunken student thing, which in retrospect, turned out to be not that big or clever after all.
Also, take a good look around the class, fair enough there's that big crowd who are always noising it up before and after the class but theres also a silent hardworking independent minority who are focused and know the reason why they're in college.If there was ever a social group i was sorry i didnt belong to it was that group.

Finally, Remember that you will have the rest of your life to socialise and get on with your colleagues but you will only have three or four years to make the grade that'll be stuck on your mantelpiece for the rest of your life.

To be honest I could ramble on ad-inifinitum about what I'd do if i was in your shoes and starting college again but what it boils down to is this. Don't try and be something your not, if your a little introverted by nature don't try and overcompensate, you will not find happiness that way. Be genuine to people, keep your head up - be proud and focus on your studies, you have been given a great opportunity to learn, recognise that you will more than likely never again have such a wealth of knowledge at your disposal.

badabinbadaboom

ok thats the best post ive ever read.

mezain

questioner wrote: »

where to start..

First off, fair play for having the balls to actually pipe up and say "hey, I'm lonely", especially these days when a persons social merit is instantaneously calculated on the basis of how many friends they have on their bebo page.

Would never dream of having a bebo page - 1. I'm not one to be plastering my life all over the web and 2. I have relatively few friends.

questioner wrote: »

Admitting (even to yourself) that you feel isolated or alienated can be an unpleasant experience and it is genuinely hard to know what to say when someone confides in you that they are lonely. Its a problem that's far more prevalent in Irish society than we would care to admit to, for example - this is the second most viewed page on the ucc forum. This thread has 37 replies and over 3000 views, now maths isn't really my strong point but you could posit that for every person willing to post a comment and discuss there's maybe 70 people who are interested enough to read it. Ironical that people should find common ground in the theme of alienation.

Very ironic indeed.

questioner wrote: »

Secondly, there's no point in trying to force friendship onto people, that's like trying to hold onto sand, and its a surefire way to alienate yourself even further. Look at it objectively, would you want to be friends with someone who came across as needy? I apologize if you take that statement up as my saying your needy, I'm not, I'm just saying to bear it in mind. You say your 24, I'm 25 and if i was in first year with a pile of last years leaving certers i would feel about a million miles away from them, and properly so. If you think that you have the same mentality as the first years on your course then pick up the student magazine and see if you find the constant salacious remarks, childish innuendo and drunken photos entertaining. Now don't get me wrong when i was 18 i hadn't a clue, fair enough I'm 25 now and i still haven't a ****en clue, the difference is now i know i don't. .

I know i don't have the same mentality as the 18 yr olds, i can see how giddy and childish theya are, but at the same time i'd like to make acquaintance with some of them. I don't know, maybe i give off that ''old vibe''

questioner wrote: »

Thirdly, Focus on being independent, the sorriest thing I ever did in college was not focus more on my studies. I graduated last year with a fairly mediocre 2.2, which cost me my place on the masters programme. What cost me my 2.1 was working a part time job and going out and doing the drunken student thing, which in retrospect, turned out to be not that big or clever after all.
Also, take a good look around the class, fair enough there's that big crowd who are always noising it up before and after the class but theres also a silent hardworking independent minority who are focused and know the reason why they're in college.If there was ever a social group i was sorry i didnt belong to it was that group.

The study side will look after itself once i get the social side sorted first. People think its easy to study when you have no friends, but the opposite is true. If i have nothing to look forward to on a Tuesday nite then it makes knuckling down to study all the more difficult, as i'm not happy within myself about my social life.

XboxHero

I understand it's harder to focus when you have nothing to look forward to! Do you know anybody at all in UCC? Anyone you could meet up with at lunch and expand from there? I'm only in 6th Year (And quite nervous about College:P) but I've heard clubs and societies are great ways to meet new people and start friendships. To be honest, people in the clubs aren't going to be assholes as a lot of other people will be in your position.

I went into my Secondary School knowing NOBODY:( The 1st day I just followed the crowd and it was awful.. But as time passed I just made friends and some of them are the best friends I ever made. Just this year I've made new friends which is great, so hopefully I can do the same next year.

I know it's easy to dole out advice, because in the end of the day we're not in your position, we can all go back and deal with our own issues but it's you who has to face this problem head on. I suggest utilising the mentoring service as it's there to help those in need:) This is exactly what I'm worried about too but I'm the opposite... I look way too young :eek: Haha.. Kind of ironic? Why can't we just find a middleground:cool:

Also, I wouldn't shun Bebo as people can learn more about you, and you can form bonds with people who have similar tastes and interests. If you add people in your year even that you don't know, you'll find it easier to talk to them online rather than face-to-face, and if there's a connection ye can be friends... Or maybe more?? Haha;) I used to add a tonne of people to my Bebo who lived in my area and after getting to know them hung around with them, and it was a hell of a lot easier than asking random strangers 'Be my friend. Please'. Hehe:cool:

Maybe I should take some of my own advice to calm my nerves...:pac: I really hope you make some great friends this year.. Make it your New Years Resolution. 'In 2009, I'm gonna get the confidence to make new friends in College' Believe me, I can be quite shy at times but hey, isn't it easy for me to write to a complete stranger via the good ole internet? (On this message board alone I'm sure there are those that would be willing to meet up with you) . So maybe start there?! Enjoy the rest of the Christmas break, best wishes for 2009 and I hope you make great friends as soon as you go back:) Keep us posted (Literally;))

:)

rom

Joining clubs or societies is the best way as you have a similar interest, might go away on weekends etc. work to achieve something. societies are probably better for making friends to be honest.

ReacherCreature

mezain wrote: »

Would never dream of having a bebo page - 1. I'm not one to be plastering my life all over the web and 2. I have relatively few friends.

I wouldn't give up on the idea of a Bebo page.
You don't have to plaster your life all over it, e.g I don't tell people how many people are in my family on it nor do I tell people where I live and so on. You can make your site private too, if you're worried about who sees it. I find it a great thing to keep in touch with people, friends and especially my cousins etc who I hardly see during term.

Doesn't matter about friends, you don't have to make it a popularity contest like those with hundreds or thousands of friends.

quietsailor

@ questioner - brilliant post,

@ OP - Hang in there. I'm 32 and am back in UCC as a mature student. Biologically I'm old enough to be most of my classmates father so I was very worried starting that nobody would talk to me, yet I've made friends with them. I'm lucky enough to be in a small class of people - 22 so that does help.

Have you been to the mature students society social events? I'd imagine your not the only person with this dilemma.

I hope it gets better for you in the next term, you might be surprised yet -- the "proper" first years (my sarcasm there) could be coming to you yet for advice on study projects etc, it has already happened with me.

mezain

Right, i've f*cking had it up to here *points very high* with Arts and the unfriendly students doing it. I went to a class party tonight, wasn't anybody i knew at it but that didn't put me off going, thinking i'd surely get chatting to somebody i knew to see. But alas, after 2 hours of chatting, flirting, and generally talking ****, i didn't get to hang around with anyone, no one said ''sure come inside and join the group'', etc. It seems to me that if you're not already one of the established groupies, if you're an outsider who's looking to join or just have a chat, then you're not welcome. If i manage to stick this course out till May it will be a minor miracle.

Amtmann

mezain wrote: »

Right, i've f*cking had it up to here *points very high* with Arts and the unfriendly students doing it. I went to a class party tonight, wasn't anybody i knew at it but that didn't put me off going, thinking i'd surely get chatting to somebody i knew to see. But alas, after 2 hours of chatting, flirting, and generally talking ****, i didn't get to hang around with anyone, no one said ''sure come inside and join the group'', etc. It seems to me that if you're not already one of the established groupies, if you're an outsider who's looking to join or just have a chat, then you're not welcome. If i manage to stick this course out till May it will be a minor miracle.

I sauntered into UCC for the first time on the day I started my course without having been in Cork once in the 15 years prior. I knew not a soul. I was 22 and an undergrad.

I quickly made acquaintances however, most of which came to nought, but ultimately a small group of firm friends. My general strategy initially was asking the randomer beside me if I was in the right lecture theatre/room/whatever. I knew I was, but it was just an excuse to start a conversation.

If you're in a small class, try suggesting that a few of you grab a coffee or something in the student centre. You're right that many people are cliquish, but not everyone is.

I started back at UCC as a postgrad last October after working for a year, and I found it a little odd at first. Almost all of my original friends are gone, and now that I'm not really part of any class as such I operate solo for the most part. I am taking a small German class thrice per week though with some undergrads who, although I've been friendly, were quite wary of me because a) I'm 26 now and they're only 19, and b) when most undergrads hear 'PhD' they don't quite know what to make of you. But now I'm getting quite friendly with one person from the class - not deliberately or anything; these things just happen.

Anyway, hope that helps...just ask a few classmates to go for a coffee I guess and hopefully that will start the ball rolling for you.

Amtmann

mezain wrote: »

I'm 24, but i don't look a day over 20 so there's no way that my 'age' intimdates my younger classmates.

Try to seek out other people around your age. One day a person just popped into the seat beside me in Boole 4 and said "Hi! You look about the same age as me. I'm Anita", and we just hit it off. Best friends since then and that was five years ago this year. Funnily the two of us had both been in your predicament for over a month before that. Both in our early twenties, older than most of them - but not old! - and not really gelling with anyone else. Gas really.

I'd also say try approaching some of the older students in your classes - the ones in their 30s. These are often cool and very open to engaging in random coffees, while having a good bItch about the course or whatever.

Amtmann

mezain wrote: »

Still the same as last week. I agree with the poster who said there are too many people in Arts, thats the course i'm doing. You could be chatting away to someone in a lecture, and you might not see said person again for weeks, so big are the individual classes. Sure i'll give it another few weeks and if no progress is made, then i'll start to worry

Sorry for the flurry of posts, I'm reading the thread arse about face. In first year it's hard. The tutorials can be good though. Be brave and strike up conversations there. In second year when classes are smaller, it'll be easier.

mezain

Furet wrote: »

Try to seek out other people around your age. One day a person just popped into the seat beside me in Boole 4 and said "Hi! You look about the same age as me. I'm Anita", and we just hit it off. Best friends since then and that was five years ago this year. Funnily the two of us had both been in your predicament for over a month before that. Both in our early twenties, older than most of them - but not old! - and not really gelling with anyone else. Gas really.

I'd also say try approaching some of the older students in your classes - the ones in their 30s. These are often cool and very open to engaging in random coffees, while having a good bItch about the course or whatever.

Thats sound advice, and i have made two acqaintances by doing the whole 'lets go for a coffee' thing. The problem is that neither of them go out, to say they're not much craic, would be an understatement. So if i want to go out or even just for a quiet pint, i've no one to go with - save myself, and drinking by yourself is what suicidal people do, i'm not quite that bad as yet!

CorkLady1983

hey, I feel your pain, it can be like that too when you move away from home for a job etc..I've been in Dublin over a year at this stage, and have to admit at times I'm lonely. Most of the people I work with are older and settled, I'm still young and want to get other there and party and get to know new people. I would definately say join the mardyke gym, and take part in one or two clubs like Badminton or something else like that. It is hard to get to know people especially when you are a few years older than them. Sitting down next to someone and saying hi doesn't always work, I remember when started in UCC 8 years ago it was kind of cliquey...I hope it gets easier, keep the chin up...remember you are there to get your degree too, don't let their hostility hold you back;)

Fabio

mezain wrote: »

Thats sound advice, and i have made two acqaintances by doing the whole 'lets go for a coffee' thing. The problem is that neither of them go out, to say they're not much craic, would be an understatement. So if i want to go out or even just for a quiet pint, i've no one to go with - save myself, and drinking by yourself is what suicidal people do, i'm not quite that bad as yet!

Get your arse up to the motorbike club...friendliest folk in the college. Deadly serious, small club and great craic. Meeting tomorrow at about half seven across the road from the Electrical Engineering building. Check here:http://www.ucc.ie/en/mcc/

Alan Smith

mezain wrote: »

Right, i've f*cking had it up to here *points very high* with Arts and the unfriendly students doing it. I went to a class party tonight, wasn't anybody i knew at it but that didn't put me off going, thinking i'd surely get chatting to somebody i knew to see. But alas, after 2 hours of chatting, flirting, and generally talking ****, i didn't get to hang around with anyone, no one said ''sure come inside and join the group'', etc. It seems to me that if you're not already one of the established groupies, if you're an outsider who's looking to join or just have a chat, then you're not welcome. If i manage to stick this course out till May it will be a minor miracle.

Would this have been first year english?

To be honest, I'm quiet and shy and found it hard at the start but lately I've said **** it and just gone talking to people. It's still quite lonely at times, though. If you go to class parties and make the effort you will be fine.

quietsailor

This is aimed at everybody who posted here not just at Mezain, I'm finished lectures tomorrow at 1400 so if ye want to meet up I'm around most of Fri evening.

if ye decide ye don't like me ye can always duck your head when we pass on the campus :P:rolleyes:

I'll check back here after last lecture tomorrow (Fridays lectures for me run from 0900 to 1400 so don't expect to see me around at 1400 hours and two seconds) and see where - if anybody - wants to meet up.

mezain

Alan Smith wrote: »

Would this have been first year english?

To be honest, I'm quiet and shy and found it hard at the start but lately I've said **** it and just gone talking to people. It's still quite lonely at times, though. If you go to class parties and make the effort you will be fine.

It was the joint English-Psychology-Geography class party in the Newport - a groupie gathering if ever i saw one. If you try to get chatting to people who don't know you, they look at you as if to say 'f*ck off from me, i don't know you.' And of course none of the reps were around when you needed them.

mezain

quietsailor wrote: »

This is aimed at everybody who posted here not just at Mezain, I'm finished lectures tomorrow at 1400 so if ye want to meet up I'm around most of Fri evening.

if ye decide ye don't like me ye can always duck your head when we pass on the campus :P:rolleyes:

I'll check back here after last lecture tomorrow (Fridays lectures for me run from 0900 to 1400 so don't expect to see me around at 1400 hours and two seconds) and see where - if anybody - wants to meet up.

i'll meet up for sure in the student centre for a coffee, anything beats bitching on boards!
I'll PM you.

ReacherCreature

quietsailor wrote: »

This is aimed at everybody who posted here not just at Mezain, I'm finished lectures tomorrow at 1400 so if ye want to meet up I'm around most of Fri evening.

if ye decide ye don't like me ye can always duck your head when we pass on the campus :P:rolleyes:

I'll check back here after last lecture tomorrow (Fridays lectures for me run from 0900 to 1400 so don't expect to see me around at 1400 hours and two seconds) and see where - if anybody - wants to meet up.

This should have been suggested as the straight away reply to Mezain's thread!
We should have our own UCC boards beers :P

Alan Smith

mezain wrote: »

It was the joint English-Psychology-Geography class party in the Newport - a groupie gathering if ever i saw one. If you try to get chatting to people who don't know you, they look at you as if to say 'f*ck off from me, i don't know you.' And of course none of the reps were around when you needed them.

I know a rep from each of those classes and are all sound people. However, yes to an extent some people are quite like you say- stuck up. I didn't know anybody back in October but the majority are top people once you get around the idiots that you get in every course.

mezain

Alan Smith wrote: »

I know a rep from each of those classes and are all sound people. However, yes to an extent some people are quite like you say- stuck up. I didn't know anybody back in October but the majority are top people once you get around the idiots that you get in every course.

but how come so many people find it so easy to make friends, like some people are like best friends with 10 or 11 people in certain classes! And these aren't people they knew before college. its baffling.

sunnyside

mezain wrote: »

but how come so many people find it so easy to make friends, like some people are like best friends with 10 or 11 people in certain classes! And these aren't people they knew before college. its baffling.

If I saw you chatting to the person sitting beside you in a lecture or saw you sitting having coffee with someone I would assume you were friends. How would I know that it was the very first time you were speaking to them or that the person you were having coffee with was the guy from boards who sent you a pm to meet up? I'm just trying to explain that those people might not be as friendly with one another as you think. They could just be really chatty types. I was chatting to someone at an event recently and a few people assumed he was my boyfriend even though I barely knew him so don't be too put off by people who look like they are friends.

Observe people in lectures and decide who might like to be friends with (I'm not a big advocte of judging on appearance but it might help here). Try and get a seat next to one of those people at the next lecture and start some random conversation.

Do you have flatmates? You haven't mentioned living arrangements, I'm sort of assuming you live with parents or alone, which would make it a bit harder to make friends. Do you have friends from whatever you were doing before going to UCC? I hope you still have some acqaintances so you don't become isolated but I would recommend against spending too much time with these people if you have nothing in common with them because then you'd have the problem of trying to break away from that group if you met people better suited to you.

taram

I know you said you'd prefer friends in your own class, but socs and clubs are brilliant for meeting people, I could go to class with my two or three friends in the class, but know that I had good loyal friends outside my class that I was friends with because we had the same lifetime hobbies to talk and play with, rather than put the same thing on our CAO. Plus even an evening a week where you know people and come away happy from, or can greet as you walk by, would really lift your spirits, I know it did mine. Most socs have a first year officer, they'll show you around the club/soc facilities, introduce you and such. Most socs are delighted to have new members, and if they do something slightly unsual like gaming or kitesurfing, they'll be happy to show you the ins and outs even if you've never really done any. Plus most organise things like training weekends, where you'll get to know people extremely well, better sitting in a lecture theatre. Also, people are more relaxed outside lectures, and their mind can be focused on chatting to you.

The only soc I'm still involved in is WARPS(Wargaming And Role Playing Soc= gamers), but I am very happy to be a mentor or something and bring you along, you might find someone in your class there! I'm sure if you posted on the UCC forums people from any soc you are interested in would happily give you an invite. PM me if you need any info, your situation is not uncommon, but can be changed.

And oh yes! The "looks like friends" phenomena, I used to eat with two girls my best friend worked with, every day for 3 months. I honestly couldn't tell you their names, we used to sit there in the Main in silence. :rolleyes: But from the outside, hey we were having lunch every day? Must be super close, but it wasn't true. Also, in socs (jesus, I'll stop now ::throws down the dead horse she was flogging::) they'll sometimes eat together or sit together for coffee in a big group, even if you only vaguely know them, most of them will invite you to sit with them, as they know you as one of their own. Then a little bit of chat since you already know each other = friends! Voila.

Fabio

mezain wrote: »

but how come so many people find it so easy to make friends, like some people are like best friends with 10 or 11 people in certain classes! And these aren't people they knew before college. its baffling.

I see your point fella. I find it just as baffling that some girls who look really nice and have great personalities are going out with guys who I know, and are known in general, to be complete and utter ghouls.

By the way, whoever suggested the boards.ie coffee thing is dead right. A few of us from this thread could meet up, might be fun.