Peter Kay

rocky25

Peter Kay Classics

I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said Thyroid problem?


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a newbike.

Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
one and asked him to forgive me.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get
my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of Different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said –

'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!

From there on it were sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which
Is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good
partner, you’d better have a good hand.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?'

I said 'No, six should be enough.'

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they
made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers.

You know that look women get when they want sex?

Me neither.


Questions from Peter Kay

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the
way down to the core of the earth

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first
thing you do is stand up and say,

'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time?

But don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

Why a person that handles your money is called a 'Broker'?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks
his head out of the window?

Peter Kay Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee,
flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

You never ever run out of salt.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel
when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece
of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

abouttobebanned

Don't think Peter Kay said any of those things. But they're funny.

StiffLitlemicky

abouttobebanned wrote: »

Don't think Peter Kay said any of those things. But they're funny.

Most of them are from his book http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Sound-of-Laughter/dp/1846051614

A Primal Nut

rocky25 wrote: »

Peter Kay Classics


One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

This happened me last night - it was actually a work party although I didn't know this guy. So the first time we met in the jacks we introduced ourselves. Then we met a couple of more times in there. And when going for a drink at the bar. Weird and uncomfortable haha.

r3nu4l

rocky25 wrote: »

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

So true

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece
of wood specifically to stir paint with.

So true