Losing a Pet - Human Reaction

slumped

I've been reading though the deceased pet's sticky at the top of the forum page and something hit me.

The amount of people that say they are "in pieces" or "crying my eyes out" - even months after the death of a pet.

I admit, the immediate shock of losing a thing that was a big part in someones life will induce grief and a period of mourning.

But surely the grieving process for an animal, no matter how close you were to it, should be very brief.

Put into perspective, an animal is an animal. No more. Yes, they show us what we percieve to be love and they act as companions to us.

They appear to 'be there' for us in times of need

I suppose my question is do we, as animal lovers, attach ourselves too much to pets, and can these attachments become unhealthy?

S

For the record, I lost my first pet when I was 13 (parents had him put down while I was at school) and I currently have a pet lab. Have also had several cats that have perished down through the years.

Whispered

I read one of your comments earlier, I can't for the life of me remember which one and my reaction to it was FFS, then I felt bad, because I don't know you and I shouldn't be thinking bad things about people I don't know.

Thanks for making me feel better.

Seriously though, no I don't think you can become too attached to your pet. You get a pet so you can love it. So love it. When you love something it hurts when it dies and people should be allowed express that in a thread specifically for that without having their emotions questioned.

How brief is brief? I still cry over Bart (I was 10 when I got him, thats why the name is soooooooo silly) He was a big ginger lurcher and the gentlest boy you could meet. I don't cry over him all the time, but like now when I'm thinking about him, it brings a tear to my eye. He's dead 10 years. Is that unhealthy?

MsFifers

But an animal can be a true friend. In fact, I spend more time with my pets than I do with my friends. You wouldn't expect a person to get over a human friend's death in a short period of time?

Animals on their side do form real relationships with their owners. I'm looking after a cat for friends at the moment who have gone travelling for a year and it was clearly depressed after it realised they weren't coming back after a couple of days.

When there is this mutually close relationship - of course you are going to go through a real grieving process when your pet dies.

No offence, but I don't really get how you can have a pet and think of it as "just an animal" - when each animal has its own personality and emotions.

For example, if you had a severely disabled person in your family who couldn't speak or interact with you in the same way as the rest of your family, you would still have a very strong loving bond with them.

Hellrazer

To be honest I found it really hard to get over the death of my dog last year after him being with me for 11 years.

I dont believe that the grieving process has to have a time limit on it.

When you have a dog (in my case) for 11 years and that dog is like one of the family then surely the grieving process can be as bad as if it were a human.
My 10 year old who grew up with that dog still cries at least once a week over him.

Back to your question though.

I dont think we can become too attached to our pets as it has been shown that pets have a 100% positive effect on our lives.And that cant be a bad thing now can it.

slumped wrote: »

But surely the grieving process for an animal, no matter how close you were to it, should be very brief.

I suppose my question is do we, as animal lovers, attach ourselves too much to pets, and can these attachments become unhealthy?

anniehoo

helena.ryan wrote: »

like now when I'm thinking about him, it brings a tear to my eye. He's dead 10 years. Is that unhealthy?

Hmmmm! He must of been one hell of a dog! Each to their own and all but 10 years later!?? Kinda leaning in favour of the OPs initial question here!
I love my dog etc and will prob cry my eyes out when she does eventually go..but cant see myself still grieving for her a decade down the line! A friend of mine wouldnt pet another dog for 8 months after her dog died and i told her in no uncertain terms she was acting nuts! Within reason and all that...:o

slumped

MsFifers wrote: »

But an animal can be a true friend. In fact, I spend more time with my pets than I do with my friends.

No offence, but I don't really get how you can have a pet and think of it as "just an animal" - when each animal has its own personality and emotions.

Can an animal be a true friend? - animals cannot talk you though something, they cannot give you advice, they cannot see when you need professional help and do something about it.

If you socialise with your pets more than with your friends, then you have a problem. Spending more time with them is different.

Animals may have personality - but not human personality. Yes, they may display human traits, but personality?

As for animals having emtions, again are these real emotions like human emotion - I argue they are not.

Pets are animals. Humans are humans.

Pets are not humans. I believe that some people find it hard to accept this.

S

EGAR

I would be the last person to buy into Anthropomorphism, however, to say that animals do not show emotions is wrong. They show fear, aggression, pain and even bereavement. My donkey for example would not eat for over a week and was very depressed when I rehomed a rescue gelding who had been his companion for over a year. I ended up getting him another gelding as companion as I was worried about his well being. Elephants are also known to grieve, so are dogs.

I grieved for every single animal I have lost, they were part of my family although I would never refer to one of my animals as my *baby* and have quite an issue with those who do, however, each to their own.

And maybe just maybe alot of us are attracted to animals as companions because they do not HAVE a human personality .

And having human and animal companions is not mutually exclusive.

Beth

slumped wrote: »

Can an animal be a true friend? - animals cannot talk you though something, they cannot give you advice, they cannot see when you need professional help and do something about it.<snip>

S

Cant see when you need professional help or do something about it?

Yes, he's trained to do it, but arent we all? IF someone is having a heartattack, arent we "trained" to call an ambulance?

8:37am UK, Monday September 15, 2008
A dog whose owner was having a seizure saved his life by calling the emergency services and barking down the line to raise the alarm.



German shepherds are renowned for their intelligence

Joe Stalnaker adopted German shepherd Buddy as an eight-week-puppy and trained him to use the phone if he began to have an attack.

Mr Stalnaker, of Scottsdale, Arizona, has suffered seizures for ten years after suffering a head injury during a military training exercise.

So when he got into difficulties, Buddy knew exactly what to do - hit the speed-dial button on the phone for 911.

On the tape of his call, he can be heard whimpering and barking after the operator answers and repeatedly asks if the caller needs help.

Police were sent to Mr Stalnaker's home, and after about three minutes Buddy can be heard barking loudly when the officers arrived.

Sergeant Mark Clark, of Scottsdale police, said Mr Stalnaker spent two days in a hospital and recovered from the seizure.

"It's pretty incredible," Sgt Clark said.

"Even the veteran dispatchers - they haven't heard of anything like this."

Mr Stalnaker's address is flagged in the force's computer system with a notification that a trained dog might call 911 when the owner was incapacitated.

Sgt Clark said Buddy has made two other 911 calls when Mr Stalnaker was having seizures.

from LINKY

What about the dogs that detect epileptic seizures before they happen?

I think those points of your arguement are a little dicey

Why should the grieving process be brief?
there's no right or wrong way of grieving for human or animal, and no "set time" for it either. Everyone is an individual and as such, particular events will affect people differently.

dogs/pets are a huge part of someone's life - 8-15 years is a long time forming a bond, trust, friendship etc. Why shouldnt someone grieve for however long they need when they lose a pet that has been loyal to them? Pets have a huge impact on a person. Pets are good for our health, it has been proven, they help us laugh, and give many examples of how its so good once in a while to let go and live in the "moment". they can teach us a lot of lessons. Why wouldnt someone grieve for the loss of the animal that has given them all that and more for donkeys years?

Egar, I'm one of "those" people :eek: I'd better run!

bigpinkelephant

slumped wrote: »

I've been reading though the deceased pet's sticky at the top of the forum page and something hit me.

The amount of people that say they are "in pieces" or "crying my eyes out" - even months after the death of a pet.

I admit, the immediate shock of losing a thing that was a big part in someones life will induce grief and a period of mourning.

But surely the grieving process for an animal, no matter how close you were to it, should be very brief.

Put into perspective, an animal is an animal. No more. Yes, they show us what we percieve to be love and they act as companions to us.

They appear to 'be there' for us in times of need

I suppose my question is do we, as animal lovers, attach ourselves too much to pets, and can these attachments become unhealthy?

S

For the record, I lost my first pet when I was 13 (parents had him put down while I was at school) and I currently have a pet lab. Have also had several cats that have perished down through the years.

To be honest, I am wondering why you keep pets at all.
In another thread you called other members "panic mechants" for suggesting bringing a dog to a vet when it loses control of its legs and cannot walk.

Now you are saying that animals are "animals, no more" and should barely be grieved when they die, no matter how close you are to it.

For us genuine animal lovers, that take care of and love our pets, it is difficult when an animal dies.

Sigma Force

I don't think it's anyones place to tell someone how long to grieve for their pet, it's basically a very personal thing and some people may get over it quicker than others.

Many pet owners are well aware a pet is an animal and are well able to see the difference but that doesn't mean they don't have the right to care for their pet when it's alive and when it dies.

Sometimes a pet is all someone has got wether some people understand that or not, or sometimes people prefer animals company..can't blame them tbh.

Sharpshooter

slumped wrote: »

Pets are not humans. I believe that some people find it hard to accept this.

No they are not human , but if you take a look around at what passes for human beings these days l know who l would rather have in my living room.:)
Obviously not directed at anyone here , because you are all lovely caring people.
But then if you have a love for animals it makes you shine as a person.
l think what people find hard to accept is that when a close warm and trusting animal dies on you it is the personality of the pet that you miss , its little ways that you know were belong to that animal and that animal alone, like a particular tilt of the head or tucking its tail between its legs and running mad around the house for all of 60 seconds l kid you not.:rolleyes: or even the little noise it might have made with its throat when * silently begging * for a piece of whatever goodie you might be eating and doing this with patience.
So it annoys me when people say " oh , it was only a dog if you miss it just get another ".
See the point they miss is you know inside that eventually when you do get another , the one that died is still gone.:)
l had Twinkle for 17 years and Holly for 16 years and Holly had to be put asleep 2 years ago , Twinkle followed just before christmas last year and l miss the little devils like mad.:)

Our man in Havana

I still grieve for each & every one of my fur babies, feathered babies & scally babies, I still cry as does my husband - we are both very attached to our animals. Each & every one of my pets have personalities & they can & do show me love & affection - especially the cats & dogs.

I do find it offensive that members grief is ripped apart by some members on here - we are all human & we are all very different - I am a very emotional person & the lose of any of loved ones from the cats etc to my baby & very much missed brother Shaun to my nan's & granddads - I love them all & miss them all in my life! Some people are very isolated in life & their pets are their lives! What right does anyone have to say get over yourselves they are just animals! That is a very callous way to live! You have no idea how someone feels inside from what they type online! Just because you the OP can categorise your feelings from human to animal does not mean we all can! My pets are my family - they need me to feed/water/walk/love them. No matter how naughty they are I adore them & always will! If I am crying my cats will come & cuddle me - they know I am upset & need them - they may not know why I am crying but they feel my pain & try to comfort me!

Please remember that there are very real & emotional people attached to each of the posts in this forum! Some of us may be emotional insecure & a few harsh words online can & do damage people inside - when members tell us of their loved ones passing they are asking for support & not to be ripped apart because they are still grieving!

Slumped as a fellow moderator I would expect that you would respect peoples feeling & stop trying to make us feel bad! As some one who is into public relations I would expect you to keep your harsher views to yourself! Think what you like in private and watch what you say in public!

anniehoo

While i do agree with everyone who has expressed their love for their pets and trust me i am exactly the same, i think the OP (ok not the most tactfully) has asked do we sometimes become "unhealthily" attached to them.

While some people (well me so far) think realistically 10 years is faaaar too long to still be mourning your pet, others would think this is perfectly acceptable. Do you really? Like everything in life a healthy balance should be achieved with every aspect-pet ownership included.

I have seen many people over the last few years who are attached to their animals to such an extent that i think is unhealthy. Would you cancel a 2 week holiday costing in excess of 3000 euro for fear of your dog thinking its been abandoned in a perfectly acceptable boarding kennels? Would you put your 14 year old dog through a replacement tracheal operation that will prolong its life by maybe 6 months? I know people who have and believe me while they may have thought they were doing the best for their animal they werent.

Maybe the OP doesnt emotionally feel to the extent of what many people would for their pets. He's admitted that a period of grief and mourning is perfectly understandable after the loss of a pet but the extremes people go to are not!

bigpinkelephant

anniehoo wrote: »

While some people (well me so far) think realistically 10 years is faaaar too long to still be mourning your pet, others would think this is perfectly acceptable. Do you really? Like everything in life a healthy balance should be achieved with every aspect-pet ownership included

Put it like this. There are people who have lost babies that mourn for an extended period of time- and rightly so. No one says to them "It was only a baby, just have another one" or anything of the sort- and rightly so.
People are given the sympathy and compassion they need.

But yet, someone could lose a pet that they are equally bonded with- and the reaction is completely different. An animal may not be your own flesh and blood, but you looked after it and loved it and nurtured it, and probably got up during the night when it was sick, the same as many people would with a baby. But for some reason, it's "only a dog" or "only a cat".

I am female, I have no maternal instinct whatsoever, I don't like kids and know I will never want one- but I would have the world of sympathy for someone who had lost a baby. I can put myself in their shoes and imagine what it must be like to lose a living being that you love so much. But yet people cannot and will not do this for someone who has lost a pet- and some of these people own pets themselves and claim to be animal lovers.

There are farmers who spend 18+ hours a day with their sheepdogs but yet people cannot comprehend that they could feel attached to the animal.
My cat was 11 years old when she died in my arms, at home. I had her since she was born. I won't upset myself by going into detail about the lack of compassion I got from my friends. Put it like this, more people tried to help when I was sitting in a lecture and needed to borrow a pencil.

lightening

slumped wrote: »

Pets are animals. Humans are humans.

I would consider myself (and all of you) to be developed apes. We are born with nothing and die with nothing. Just like every other animal on this planet. Fair enough, we have evolved to be altruistic than all other animals, but evolved animals like dolphins, elephants, and others of our species.. apes show altruistic traits too. Its perfectly natural for us to built amazing companionships with other animals, this working companionship has evolved right along as we did. I guess some people just feel a stronger bond than others.

arybvtcw0eolkf

bigpinkelephant wrote: »

To be honest, I am wondering why you keep pets at all.
In another thread you called other members "panic mechants" for suggesting bringing a dog to a vet when it loses control of its legs and cannot walk.

Now you are saying that animals are "animals, no more" and should barely be grieved when they die, no matter how close you are to it.

For us genuine animal lovers, that take care of and love our pets, it is difficult when an animal dies.

+1.

I think there's a difference between a 'pet owner' (the OP) and someone who genuinely loves animals.

AND A TROLL

I grew up with one dog, 'Cindy'. We had her for 17yrs, and while I probably never grieved for her when she died (I was much younger, and busy starting my own life with a young family) but I think of her often and compare my two dogs to her all the time.

As for dogs or animals displaying emotions. Well I know when my dogs, or cat are unwell or feeling off form. When I come home from work they greet me like I've been away for months. When I chastise them, they sulk or when I reward them they show delight.

Like wise when I'm off form I sense they know it because Jericho the older lad is softer in his play with me, or just cuddles up to me.

I think we need animals as pets in our lives just as much as they need us.

kerrysgold

I agree completely with Lightening. Everything on this planet is an animal, we are mammals, cows, sheep, bears, apes, humans etc! are mammals. It's just that we are (supposedly) more intelligent and are "civilized" and other animals still live as nature intended them to (except for the ones we have domesticated I suppose) so it annoys me when people think we are better than other animals.

I also agree with Mairt, you can own an animal but not necessarily be an animal lover! I could buy a dog, hate it, and stick it out in a shed. I'd own it, but I obviously wouldn't love it or even care for it.

Some people have nobody, no family or friends, and a pet dog or cat or whatever is their only companion, what about elderly people living alone who'd have no company at all if they didn't have a pet? In some cases a pet can give a depressed or lonely person a reason to keep going, a creature that is dependant on them. Try telling those sorts of people "it's only an animal, get over it"

I seriously wonder why you bother visiting this forum when obviously you don't particularly like animals as much as anybody else on here. As for your other post in the "drunk Labrador" thread, even if you don't believe in treating animals as part of the family, you could at least refrain from giving bad advice which could result in a sick dog not being given treatment if the OP were to listen to your advice.

Alun

kerrysgold wrote: »

I seriously wonder why you bother visiting this forum when obviously you don't particularly like animals as much as anybody else on here.

I agree. I think the word you're looking for is 'troll' quite honestly.

goodlad

Well i grew up with a dog in the family and thinking about it i didnt think of the dog as a pet nor did my parents. The dog was as close as an animal could possibly get to being a family member.

She used to sulk if you gave out and you would HAVE to sit down with her and say sorry! (haha), sit with you if you were sick and refuse to leave your side even when her dinner was ready!!

I keep a picture of her in my sitting room and that picture is right next to pictures of family and friends. My mother even got a portrait of her painted from a picture and has it on her sitting room wall!

So being upset over an "animal" cant really be just slated just because its an animal that died and not a human. My dog acted more human than some actual humans i know!

arybvtcw0eolkf

kerrysgold wrote: »

I seriously wonder why you bother visiting this forum when obviously you don't particularly like animals as much as anybody else on here. As for your other post in the "drunk Labrador" thread, even if you don't believe in treating animals as part of the family, you could at least refrain from giving bad advice which could result in a sick dog not being given treatment if the OP were to listen to your advice.

Very well said.

lightening

Alun wrote: »

I agree. I think the word you're looking for is 'troll' quite honestly.

I wouldn't say that. He/She just doesn't get it. Could be emotionally immature or just young and hasn't been exposed to the harsher crunches that life can throw at you. Bond-007 seems to have been through the mill. These life experiences can sometimes make you more in tune with your emotions.

MsFifers

Yeah - what I don't understand is why its an issue for the OP? Why would they decide to make a judgement on what other people feel?

To get a bit pseudo-psychy - I think it reveals a fear of emotion or being made to look weak or something like that.

It seems s/he thinks that a person grieving for a pet is some kind of idiot for feeling deeply for "just an animal" - because the animal doesn't feel as deeply about the owner. The animal isn't holding up its end of the bargain of being a "true" friend and giving advice to us, talking to us, etc. Its just a recipient of our care but because it can't care back in the same way, it shouldn't be loved as deeply as a human who might be able to provide care for us (in the OP's view).

Now since when does loving something or someone have to be a transaction or bargained like that? I'll only love you as much as you love me back.

Does that not show that the OP is afraid of being emotionally vulnerable because of "just an animal"?

Get me on Oprah!

wolfpawnat

I disagree with your statement.
In our lives we have relationships with humans, even our family and no matter what happens and who they are, they have conditions.
Animals can love unconditionally.
If you have a bad day and you come home and your other half doesnt want to listen, then you cant vent your anger and just relax.
The dog doesnt judge you, it will listen and not make you feel worse in yourself.
SOmetimes thats all a person needs, so if it crushes them that there pet is gone, can you not see how it may take a while to get over there deaths

XJR

slumped wrote: »

I suppose my question is do we, as animal lovers, attach ourselves too much to pets, and can these attachments become unhealthy?

Personally that's the point of it - creating a bond of love and trust. My oldest dog nearly died this time last year and the two days while she was in the vet were dreadful and at 17 I dread the not far off day that she'll die.

My parents put down one of the most beautiful dogs ever about 18 months ago. It's only in the last few months that they could even talk about her and still when they do it leads to tears.

We treat our dogs as part of the family where my dad goes the dog goes, mine join me on the bed in the morning for a quick love before I let them out.

Unhealthy ? Ba Humbug !

EGAR

I am not an overly emotional/sentimental type as people who know me can tell you. If an animal belonging to me dies then I grief in my own fashion. I do not phone friends or family to have a good cry. I do it silently and on my own. However, when RTE filmed here I had to ask the producer not to ask me questions about Glor who died nearly 2 years ago as I was sure to cry in front of the camera. We each grief differently and I insist that we are allowed to do so without being judged. That does not mean that I do not have a full life apart from my animals/rescue. Being an animal person doesn't automatically exclude the human companion/friendship side of things. I very much enjoy human company - I am just very picky as to whom I choose as such.

IvySlayer

I lost my pet in January. She had a stroke at home and in the emergency room. When she had it in the hospital I broke down, not afraid to admit it.

My loyal pet, who I loved, was dying. I had her 13 years. For 13 years she was a companion to me. Every time I came home, whether I was in a bad or good mood she'd run up to me and jump. She slept on my bed every night protecting her owner. She was a friend. Seperation anxiety affected us both.

I made a connection with my dog, as she did with me. We had a special bond. Her detah affected me more than my grandparents. If you don't understand the connection, don't diss it. I feel sorry that you can't get the most of your relationship between pet and owner.

bigpinkelephant

IvySlayer wrote: »

If you don't understand the connection, don't diss it. I feel sorry that you can't get the most of your relationship between pet and owner.

See this is the thing.

There are people who get all excited and talk non-stop when their favourite team is due to play a big match.
If the team win, it makes their week and they tell anyone who will listen how great the match was.
If the team lose, they're angry for days.
This is all seen as socially acceptable. It is acceptable to have a strong emotional attachment to 11 people you have probably never met, kicking a leather football around a field.

But for many people, it is not AT ALL socially acceptable to have a strong emotional attachment to a companion you spend hours with every day and who loves you no matter what.

I don't get it.