First Mass

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

A young priest, who had just finished his training was preparing for his first mass and feeling very nervous so he asked the advice of the Bishop for advice.

"It's normal to be nervous, don't worry. But there is one little thing you can do: place a small glass of vodka on the pulpit next to the water. If you feel scared, calm your nerves with a quick drink."

So the priest decides to take the advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

The trick worked magnificently. He had them transfixed for the entire mass. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Some further advice:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the **** out of him".
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yay God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Thomas_S_Hunterson

Brilliant

rocky25

LOLZ

Have um Stars

dh0661

I'm giving it 5 stars - very good .

slipss

Ahh man, I'm sitting here in an internet cafe giggling away to myself way too loud and everyone is staring at me like I have ten heads but still totally worth it, cheers.