Worst sexual experience

Christy Manure

AnonoBoy wrote: »

The weird thing is I don't think you're making this up.

So - did you go or hold it in and make use of their garden later?

I was actually thinking of peeing on her face, just for the experience, but I didn't think I would be able to go through with it, and thought that just standing over her with my dick out for a few minutes would put me in almost as ridiculous a position as hers. So I peed in the resevoir of their iron. I still chuckle to think of them ironing their clothes and infusing them with the steam of my piss.

I was once down in the savage county of Galway and met a girl in some dump of a nightclub. We went outside to some lane to get better acquainted. I dropped the hand and started caressing her cunny but she said, "Don't mind your fancy stuff, just horse it into me!"

sweetie

Christy Manure wrote: »

Not sexual experiences for me, but they must have been pretty unpleasant for the parties involved.

I was at a party in a certain Northern European country at the home of an 'extreme' photographer - not a pornographer, an 'artist.' Went in to use the toilet and it was up on a raised wooden platform. There was a foul stench as if nobody had flushed it all night, so I chanced a peep in the bowl and saw the guy's wife in there! She was lying inside the contraption so that all the **** and piss landed on her face. When she saw me looking at her she made this really disturbing face and went "shhh!" I could only suppose that people didn't look down into the bowl and pissed / crapped on her without knowing she was there.

A soldier I knew served in Somalia. The bar they used to drink in was full of AIDS-ridden whores. If you drank ten beers, you could ride one for free. Their method of keeping themselves safe was to wear two condoms. This creates friction, which increases the risk of the condoms breaking, so their method of alerting themselves to this was to put one on, smear chili paste on it and then put the second one on. If the whore started jumping around and screaming, it would tell them that the outer condom had broken and it was time to pull out.

:eek::eek::eek: * 1000000

Christy Manure wrote: »

I was once down in the savage county of Galway and met a girl in some dump of a nightclub. We went outside to some lane to get better acquainted. I dropped the hand and started caressing her cunny but she said, "Don't mind your fancy stuff, just horse it into me!"

that reminds me of the line about a pikeys method of contrception: 'don't bab-by meh'

Irishcrx

Christy Manure wrote: »

I was actually thinking of peeing on her face, just for the experience, but I didn't think I would be able to go through with it, and thought that just standing over her with my dick out for a few minutes would put me in almost as ridiculous a position as hers. So I peed in the resevoir of their iron. I still chuckle to think of them ironing their clothes and infusing them with the steam of my piss.

I was once down in the savage county of Galway and met a girl in some dump of a nightclub. We went outside to some lane to get better acquainted. I dropped the hand and started caressing her cunny but she said, "Don't mind your fancy stuff, just horse it into me!"

I've heard that one in so many differant ways, it's a folk tale.

AnonoBoy

Christy Manure wrote: »

I was once down in the savage county of Galway and met a girl in some dump of a nightclub. We went outside to some lane to get better acquainted. I dropped the hand and started caressing her cunny but she said, "Don't mind your fancy stuff, just horse it into me!"

I now call shenanigans on your first post since you've just tried to pass that urban legend off as your own story.

4zn76tysfajdxp

Christy Manure wrote: »

I was once down in the savage county of Galway and met a girl in some dump of a nightclub. We went outside to some lane to get better acquainted. I dropped the hand and started caressing her cunny but she said, "Don't mind your fancy stuff, just horse it into me!"

FAKE!!!! LULZ

sambora

Yeah you can thank Tommy Tiernan for that quote lol

AnonoBoy

sambora wrote: »

Yeah you can thank Tommy Tiernan for that quote lol

It's a lot older than Tommy Tiernan that one.

[edit]Godammit what a sh*tty 1000th post[/edit]

SW81

Achilles wrote: »

Well it was late one night when I was staying in a mate's place in Maynooth when a friend of mine came onto MSN...

Someone please enlighten me??

phelixoflaherty

Lob it inta meh BOSS

Ann22

Ann22 wrote: »

I used to work with a really sound chap from Cavan. He had me in stitches every day. He said he was in a club one night, shifted this young one and they went outside for some sweet love up against the wall. When he eventually arrived back in to his mates they all stared at him in horror and some growing amusement.... his cream chinos were destroyed in blood from the waist to the knees! :eek:

Serves him right for wearing chinos

taidghbaby

i posted it somewhere before but getting accused of kidnapping the girl in question ranks up in the top three for me!!

Loopy

I had fancied this guy for ages and eventually we got it on one night.

We went back to his folks house and were in the sack going hell for leather and I realised I really had to go to the loo, so I flew out to the loo (mid ride) and came back and went to jump back on top of him but realised something was definetely not right.

I was in his grandads room sitting on top of his grandad (who looked like Santa, big long white beard):eek: I screamed, he screamed and the whole house woke.. Mortified.....

Fajitas!

Loop, that's fantastic.


Kudos.

Setun

looptheloop wrote: »

I had fancied this guy for ages and eventually we got it on one night.

We went back to his folks house and were in the sack going hell for leather and I realised I really had to go to the loo, so I flew out to the loo (mid ride) and came back and went to jump back on top of him but realised something was definetely not right.

I was in his grandads room sitting on top of his grandad (who looked like Santa, big long white beard):eek: I screamed, he screamed and the whole house woke.. Mortified.....

How true is that? :eek: Fookin hell! lmao

Loopy

Daddio wrote: »

How true is that? :eek: Fookin hell! lmao

Its true, your man told all his mates too (the guy I was with, not grandad;))so they ripped the piss for yrs afterwards..

pablomakaveli

looptheloop wrote: »

Its true, your man told all his mates too (the guy I was with, not grandad;))so they ripped the piss for yrs afterwards..

at least you made the grandads evening anyway.:D

Rabies

The grandad saved on viagra pills that night.

Lockstep

Anyone else reminded of clerks?

Gummy Panda

looptheloop wrote: »

I had fancied this guy for ages and eventually we got it on one night.

We went back to his folks house and were in the sack going hell for leather and I realised I really had to go to the loo, so I flew out to the loo (mid ride) and came back and went to jump back on top of him but realised something was definetely not right.

I was in his grandads room sitting on top of his grandad (who looked like Santa, big long white beard):eek: I screamed, he screamed and the whole house woke.. Mortified.....

That is awesome!

Did he get a horn?

chickenhawk

Gummy Panda wrote: »

That is awesome!

Did he get a horn?

I was wondering did he get a heart attack!

That would be a good way to go though.

Gummy Panda

Ah yes

The dreamed death.. Death by Snu Snu!

Aisling(",)

well not exactly that sexual but i was out with a chap id been seeing in his house and was just having a little bit of fun in his house.he was working away with his hands but got a little too entusiastic and i said stop but he didnt take me seriously eventually he did and realised i was pain so i rolled over into a ball and he went out to the bathroom to wash his hand as hed sucseeded in ripping my insides.that pain stuck around for weeks...couldnt sit down comfortably for days!!

orestes

This is without a doubt the funniest thread I have ever read, absolutely awesome

Raiser wrote: »

- Fair play to her, lots of girls are far too horny to play scrabble all night.....:D

Weird, myself and my ex used to joking refer to it as "playing scrabble" whilst in company!

My worst is having to stop in the middle of some very enthusiastic and physical foreplay with an ex so we could figure out who was bleeding. At moments like that you realise it's time to tone down a bit on the rougher stuff

Gary ITR

When I was 18 I was going at it with my then girlfriend and I just got this shudder of pain up my body. Whiped my lad out and there was blood spraying out everywhere, it was like I was having a red wee. Banjo string was borked....
Legged it to the bathroom and actually started to cry, not with pain but at 18 years old thinking I'd broken me lad for good. For the next 6 weeks everytime I got a lob on I was in agony. I couldn't even clean my tubes, I'm sure the lads can imagine what it's like to be 18 and not have any form of relief.


Same girl.... I was absolutely hammered drunk, went back to hers and went at it, must have been going for hours and not able to finish the job due to the copious amount of alchohol consumed, kept asking her to scream louder and louder which she did (her poor cousin was trying to sleep in the next room). So knackered after the hours of banging I jumped up, put me pants on and said something along the lines of 'fu*k this I'm going home to do it meself'. She saw the funny side thank God

Captain Darling

This isnt a story about my own worst sexual experience, rather just an embarrassing tale about an awkward situation i found myself in.

I was going out with a girl a couple of years ago who had very strict, religious parents. I used to call around to her house every evening after football training for a cup of tea and a chat etc. Anyways, we used always sit in the families front room with the parents and her sisters, talking crap and watching whatever was on the television.

So there we were all cosy, me sitting beside the fire, half asleep watching some crap on RTE 1. One of the sisters flicks the channel over to RTE 2 and the Blizzard of Odd was just about to start.

My girlfriend at the time sits up and goes, 'Oh this is the Captains favourite TV programme of all time, he's always talking about it.' This got all the familys' attention and they all turned to watch.

The first segment on the programme was about a porno featuring lesbian nuns. There wasnt a sound from anybody in the room, they were too transfixed with the two lesbians, dressed up as nuns, eating the boxes off each other. It was the longest ten minute critical review of a lesbian nun porno flick i've ever sat through in all my life. I lost about two stone sitting beside that fire and my face had turned a bright shade of red.

I choked down the tea and got the fcuk out of there, there was no point telling them that the reason i liked the programme was because i was a fan of Colin Murphys comedic musings on all things RTE and otherwise....

paperclip2

looptheloop wrote: »

I had fancied this guy for ages and eventually we got it on one night.

We went back to his folks house and were in the sack going hell for leather and I realised I really had to go to the loo, so I flew out to the loo (mid ride) and came back and went to jump back on top of him but realised something was definetely not right.

I was in his grandads room sitting on top of his grandad (who looked like Santa, big long white beard):eek: I screamed, he screamed and the whole house woke.. Mortified.....

Oh LTL. Thank you for sharing!! I can't stop laughing!!

Soby

Christy Manure wrote: »

A soldier I knew served in Somalia. The bar they used to drink in was full of AIDS-ridden whores. If you drank ten beers, you could ride one for free. Their method of keeping themselves safe was to wear two condoms. This creates friction, which increases the risk of the condoms breaking, so their method of alerting themselves to this was to put one on, smear chili paste on it and then put the second one on. If the whore started jumping around and screaming, it would tell them that the outer condom had broken and it was time to pull out.

Try that on the miss's lads!

Captain Darling

Captain Darling wrote: »

This isnt a story about my own worst sexual experience, rather just an embarrassing tale about an awkward situation i found myself in.

I was going out with a girl a couple of years ago who had very strict, religious parents. I used to call around to her house every evening after football training for a cup of tea and a chat etc. Anyways, we used always sit in the families front room with the parents and her sisters, talking crap and watching whatever was on the television.

So there we were all cosy, me sitting beside the fire, half asleep watching some crap on RTE 1. One of the sisters flicks the channel over to RTE 2 and the Blizzard of Odd was just about to start.

My girlfriend at the time sits up and goes, 'Oh this is the Captains favourite TV programme of all time, he's always talking about it.' This got all the familys' attention and they all turned to watch.

The first segment on the programme was about a porno featuring lesbian nuns. There wasnt a sound from anybody in the room, they were too transfixed with the two lesbians, dressed up as nuns, eating the boxes off each other. It was the longest ten minute critical review of a lesbian nun porno flick i've ever sat through in all my life. I lost about two stone sitting beside that fire and my face had turned a bright shade of red.

I choked down the tea and got the fcuk out of there, there was no point telling them that the reason i liked the programme was because i was a fan of Colin Murphys comedic musings on all things RTE and otherwise....

Jesus that's harsh

cupthehand

dr.bollocko wrote: »

:eek:
U can shag people now to get them to stop crying now?
/off to the playground.

That's why I always keep an onion under my bed

Dennis the Stone

Anyone remember the anecdote Ricky Gervais told in Fame about the lad who was cruising in a gay toilets? He gave a blowjob to someone who stuck their Kevin Myers through the gloryhole. When he was leaving the toilets he saw his own father come out of the other cubicle