Leaving cert student won't go to school

faolteam

it used to be one day a week but has since progressed into every day, the trouble i had to get her to go to on her geography trip for three days and that was part of a 20% leaving certificate,

She gets up in the morning and starts saying i have a pain im not well , no one cares this goes on non stop, until i give in and somrtimes after the school bus is gone she will say bring me to school in the car and then u get u dont like me u hate me ,

i really think there is no bullying and that she is laughing at us all at the back of it

this is going on every day and i would appreciate any advice or solution i have told her she will have to do her leaving cert again . im a single parent ,

p.pete

moved from psychology.

Sleepy

faolteam wrote: »

it used to be one day a week but has since progressed into every day, the trouble i had to get her to go to on her geography trip for three days and that was part of a 20% leaving certificate,

She gets up in the morning and starts saying i have a pain im not well , no one cares this goes on non stop, until i give in and somrtimes after the school bus is gone she will say bring me to school in the car and then u get u dont like me u hate me ,

i really think there is no bullying and that she is laughing at us all at the back of it

this is going on every day and i would appreciate any advice or solution i have told her she will have to do her leaving cert again . im a single parent ,

Don't give in.

Cut off her pocket money / allowance, phone/internet/tv privileges etc if she won't go to school. Ground her. If she goes to school without complaint for the week she gets her privileges back until she refuses to go to school again. One week to earn her privileges, one slip to lose them.

Basically - enforce discipline. AFAIK, she's not old enough to leave home on her own if she wants to for another year so you've only a year left to get some sense into her.

My daughter's only 2 weeks old so I don't have to face any of this yet but the above was the way I'd have been treated by my parents if I'd acted the way your daughter is. Neither me, my brother nor my sister were stroppy teenagers because we knew we'd get nowhere by acting like that.

Nevyn

I would say tell her she can quit school for now but she has to get a job and save up the fees to do her leaving cert privately the following year and see how she reacts.

Beruthiel

Have you sat her down and had a 'grown up' conversation with her?
Along the lines of what is it you intend to do with your life?
As Thaed said, point out that if she's not in school then she's getting a job and will be going halves on the rent, food and lecky.
If she thinks that's a good idea, point out that she'll only ever be able to do dead end jobs that pay feck all and that for the sake of a few months she is basically ruining the rest of her life.
Point out to her that she may think this is fine for now but the day will come when she will want her own place and those kind of jobs mean that will be very difficult to achieve.
Ask her opinion and thoughts on that.
Be calm and logical and allow no emotion into the conversation.

lostinnappies

How are her grades? Perhaps she is disheartened with it all if she is finding it difficult and is instead of failling ... giving up.

I know you said there is no bullying going on, but has she many friends? Being bullied and being alone are two very different things which can give off the same signals. Does she go out and meet her friends? Do they come to your house and do you get to meet them? This whole "u hate me" thing could be a sign she is actually very very lonely. Paticulary in a social setting like the geography outing would only make her feel worse if she has no friends. Im sure she is a lovely girl who might just be really REALLY shy.

Other then that look at the friends she does have. See what their opinion of leaving school is. She maybe going with the flow, doing the "cool" thing at the time. If this is the case perhaps not allowing her friends to influance her until after the leaving cert might be your only option. This would mean not allowing her to hang out with them after school.

Just some thoughts but I hope it helps.

bored and tired

my cousin dropped out of school last year, before sitting the junior cert, nothing could be done to drag him to school, the principal came to the house, the guards were called, my gran even threatened him and she is a force to be reckoned with, everything and no one could persude him, he had his mind made up and that was that, my aunt is a single parent as well and my cousins dad had been a bit of a usless article up untill then.

my aunt flew off the handle about april, said fine, left him pack in school officially on the condition that he started work straight away with his dad.
she sent him to live with his father who was a self employed builder with strict instrucions,

he was to be worked to the bone monday to saturday
wages were as per minimum wage statute for less than 18year olds,
rent was charged at the going rate,
bills had to be halved,
meals were not provided,
laundry was not done,
no advances, no leeway, and no mind your money chats,

That was April last, and lets just say that he started back to school
in 5th year this september with a smile on his face, studying the full thing not just the lca, and he wants to go to college aswell.

A good drop of reality can do wonders, and if you are sure that bullying, friends, shyness or lonliness are not the problem. and you have taken her to the doctor and he says she is not ill, then i would say get her the most mindnumbing, worst paying, and if possible smelly disgusting job that you can find, treat her like an adult sharing your flat with you and not like your daughter and stand back and see how it plays out,

luckat

What's the advantage of staying home?

What's the disadvantage of going to school?

Have you talked to her teachers?

Good example from Bored and Tired.

eth0_

Let her fail. Let her know that if she decides to fail or not sit the leaving, she'll have to get a job and pay her way. Show her how much this will cost.

I'm sure she'll get annoyed with her decisions when most of her friends go to college and she's left behind.

Are you sure she's not fallen in with a bad crowd? I don't want to alarm you but back when I did my leaving, the ones who gave up on the leaving were they ones who bunked off most days to go drinking..

faolteam

i wasn't even sure if i would get any,

the funny thing is she getas school bus and causes a scene when she wakes up and by the time the bus is gone she demand s a lift over in car, and this happens a lot , i guess she has been doing this since she started secondary, i will try and answer ur questions soon

eth0_

She has been like this for five years? Sorry but there has to be something deeper at work here, either bullying or maybe some undignosed problem like dyslexia or attention deficit disorder?

What does she say when you ask her why she is behaving in this manner?

CDfm

You should sit her down and explore all her options including what she intends to do when she leaves school.She should talk and you should listen.

If it was my kid -I would go for a meal -say a chinese nice and quite just the 2 of you.

This is about facts -not you forcing her to go to school -which isnt working.

IF schoo is preparation for life it doesnt seem to be working and is there a fall back option - FAS courses etc she can do etc. Not everyone is academically bright.

OR is she ill - does she have allergies or someting?

Also- I would check if there is a school problem - bullying or maybe a general problem with the staff at school. Dont be too quick to blame her -maybe the school is at fault and she needs your support.

Also -her academic abilities - are your expectations of her too high.Does she want something different to you for her?

I would be fairly open minded - teenagers are tough -maybe the start is to treat her like an adult- after all she is nearly one.

Nevyn

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to get the bus ?

Beruthiel

OP
Sometimes we think we know every single thing about our childrens lives.
I consider myself and my daughter pretty close, yet still, once during her teenage life I have been surprised by something that was going on.
There are times, for whatever reason, they are just too scared to tell you something.
Have a good chat with her, explain that no matter what she tells you, you will not get upset.

di11on

Thaedydal wrote: »

Have you asked her why she doesn't want to get the bus ?

This could be the key to the problem.

My sister had issues with going to school and it was finally realised that there was a whole social situation going on in the bus that made her life completely miserable.

Is driving her for an extended period of time an option? Perhaps not a permanent solution, but it would tell you if this is where the problem lies.

luckat

di11on wrote: »

Is driving her for an extended period of time an option? Perhaps not a permanent solution, but it would tell you if this is where the problem lies.

If it's possible to drive her every day, this can be a nice chunk of together-time - sometimes the only time you can talk to a teen is when they're relaxed and happy in the car.

Gary ITR

This is something I went through myself, it wasn't down to laziness but down to depression which developed further in my 20's and only then did I seek help.
Don't take a hard line with her until you know what the problem is. If it turns out that she wants to stay at home to update her bebo page or something then take a hard line, but until you know just listen and try to understand

Fionnanc

A very tough problem. I agree with sleepy. I dont know the size or power of your daughter but consider below;

Young lady you have a choice. Either get on the schoolbus voluntarily or I will drag you to school every day and embarrass you in front of your classmates. All the televisions, playstations, internets are to be pawned. Everybody else gets the nice food. You have to be in the house by 16:15 every day.

Seems to be a tough problem. Even if she is being bullied she has to go to school. She will face bullies all her life and needs to learn how to deal with them now. Also faking illness/aches and pains is a very dishonourable thing to do. Tell her this repeatedly

Shinji Ikari

Have a heart to heart with her. Her behaviour may be infuriating but there could be some underlying issue behind all this. Get her to lower her guard and be sincere.

Shinji Ikari

Fionnanc wrote: »

A very tough problem. I agree with sleepy. I dont know the size or power of your daughter but consider below;

Young lady you have a choice. Either get on the schoolbus voluntarily or I will drag you to school every day and embarrass you in front of your classmates. All the televisions, playstations, internets are to be pawned. Everybody else gets the nice food. You have to be in the house by 16:15 every day.

Poor advise, IMO. You should NEVER publically humilliate a child.

Fad

Shinji Ikari wrote: »

Poor advise, IMO. You should NEVER publically humilliate a child.

Completely agree with that, she would more than likely hate you for it.

Phototoxin

Maybe she's bored... I hated 5th year as it was boring as hell. School wasn't a very engaging place we just had to learn stuff like parrots. I would rant about how our educational system punishes the critically thinking and rewards those who absorb and regurgitate without being critical but its off topic.

There is often a clique on a bus and sometimes no seats.. I recall that people used to charge over peopel to get a seat on a couple of the bigger busses... it was insane.. totally illegal of course but hey its ireland no one gives a fiddlers. Maybe its not as simple as seating thought. I think you really need to talk to your kid and figure out why exactly they dont want to go to school

Marber

You are not alone with this problem. My 17 yr old son has a history of school refusal but was not diagnosed with an axiety disorder until he became depressed at 15. Coming down hard on your daughter may make the problem worse and if it continues you should seek professional help for her.
Regards.

abi2007

I didn't go to school for my leaving cert either, dropped down to pass in most subjects, I had no goal when i finished school, no plans to go to college so i just didn't care. Its not the end of the world, I ended up getting an office jr position and soon worked my way up. My bro left after his jr cert and now he's a mechanic. school is not always the right or only way and to be honest it's very hard to force a 17 year old to do anything with out them hating you.

TargetWidow

I was abused in Primary by a teacher (tied with twine to a chair and beaten in Junior Infants, daily) and then bullied all through secondary. It took until 5th year for the cracks to show. I dropped out for 3 months completely. Eventually even my parents, who were usually useless at this kind of thing, came and sat on my bed and just hugged me (unheard of in my family!) and I told them what had been going on. They knew me to be bright and intelligent and vivacious and told me that they missed the old me. We put a plan together to deal with the bully. They made suggestions, and when the bully's mother came to the door the next week to complain me they sent her packing. He never came near me again. Ever. He's still afraid of me 20 years later!!:D

I did a lousy but passable leaving cert TWICE! I went on to an IT and dropped out after a year. I met a lovely man and did nothing for a long time except love him and take jobs that I felt matched my low opinion of myself. I got fed up in my late 20s with crappy low paid jobs. I went back to college for one year and ended up staying for 4! Straight As all the way. I undid all that lousy thinking. I now run my own highly successful business. I married the lovely man and just had his baba. Life is sweet.

Be kind and gentle with your child. Come up with a plan to tackle whatever their problem is if they will tell you. Support this plan 200%. Tell them who it is you know them to be. They might take 20 years to take it on board but it is a seed sown and may well blossom eventually. Tell them how much you love them -it's amazing how unloved and unloveable a teenager in trouble can feel. Let your instinct be your guide along with your child. You know them really well. My heart goes out to you. Good luck! xxx;)

luckat

Now, maybe this is nothing, but...

When my son was in the last year of school he became quite anxious, because now his whole world was about to cease to be.

His friends would all go off to different universities or technical colleges or jobs. The place where he'd spent his life for the past six years would no longer be his daily home. His friends who had greeted him with the same in-jokes and school slang ("Heya, big swingin' mickey") would just *pouf* disappear from his life.

Maybe, consciously or unconsciously, your kid is feeling the same thing, faolteam.

Maybe if you started a conversation with her - cuppa tea in hand, no pressure, treats, maybe a drive up the mountains, that kinda thing - "What's Susie doing after the Leaving? What about Mureann? Is Joe still going to qualify and then work with his father? Are most of the class going to be in the same college?" - it might allow her to open up to the future, in her mind, and realise that life does go on, that you keep old friends and make new ones, that nothing really finishes.

Lillyella

In sixth year, I had to absolutely beg my mother to get a day off, I'd never have been allowed to choose.

lostinnappies

TargetWidow wrote: »

I was abused in Primary by a teacher (tied with twine to a chair and beaten in Junior Infants, daily) and then bullied all through secondary.

Thats horrible, when you type those words all I see is my little 4 year old and imagining it happening to him. Makes me angry at the teacher .... give us her/his name and address lol. Im glad to see you have obviously come out stronger.

LegacyUser

I have the same problem my 18 year old daughter refuses to go to school and do her leaving. She has had problems in school the full extent i did no find out about till now. She is seeing a counciler . I have had to just let it go as it was effecting the hole house my other two dont understand the problem. She just wants to leave the country as she belives all will be well else where. All you can do is support some times have to let them make ther own mistakes and yes I have said ok get more hours at the shop she works part time and pay her way. Made no differance she still refused. I know how you feel its heart breaking but some things are out of our control. Rember your child is more prescious than a bit of paper youth and time is on their side, they can go far with us behind them.