Monday 'Uns

rocky25 · 20-10-2008 10:14am #1

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber.

"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

~~~~~~~~~~

A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!"

The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants.

The woman replied,

"Sorry sir we don't sell those."

The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything.

The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist.

The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants.

The man said triumphantly,

"See, I told you that they existed!"

The woman said,

"At first I thought you were crazy, but now I see your nuts!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf.

Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes.

Sid offers Barney, "Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.

After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty.

Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

"I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly,

"After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"

"What do you mean cheat?

I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement.

"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A: In a catalogue.

~~~~~~~~~~
Martin had just received his brand new drivers license.

The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car.

Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply,

"I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."