My Four year old acts like she's 2!

abi2007

My daughter is four and has major temper tantrums all the time, she crys non stop. she wont go to the bathroom alone (it's downstairs), she won't dress herself even though she can. I asked her to pick something up that she knocked over and she threw herself on the floor and pretented she couldn't do it. When she wants something she says "water" or sometimes even "I want water" and keeps repeating it till she gets it. No please or thankyou... I try and say to her she needs to say please and thankyou but she doesn't listen. I don't know what I'm doing wrong... I need super nanny.

Nevyn

Sounds like you need to put in a reward system for good behaviour and to stick to your rules. It is hard but kids needs to know you are in charge other wise you only end up making everyone a hell of a lot more miserable in the long run.

Has anything changed of late which might have her acting out ?

abi2007

she started school, don't think she likes it.

Nevyn

That would certianly explain it.
If she is clever and willful enough to think if she doens't get dressed she can't go to school
or that if she persists and upsets you enough that you will give in and stop sending her to school then she is clever enough to grasp the idea of a start chart and rewards.

They don't have to be expensive rewards or sweets, they can be fun things to do with you.

As for the refusing to use please and thank you when mine tried that I said I was deaf to all request that did not have please on the end of them and I would ignore them.

There is always a struggle and a test of will with kids, but you have to be firm and mean what you say and not given for thier own good. Every parent has this happen at different stages with thier children.

Does she talk about school to you ?
Can she tell you the things she 'hates' about school and how they make her feel ?
If she is that upset she maybe getting even more frustrated if she can't express it to you
and so it comes out in tantrum form.

abi2007

no she says she doen't know or she doesn't want to talk about it... she doesn't talk about much to me. I asked her what she wanted for xmas and she said santy knows.

Nevyn

Do you ask her about school ?
If so when ?
I know if either of mine had a rotten day chances are they won't talk about it until
they have unwound a little, usuall after they have gotten out of thier uniforms and had a snack, that way putting some distance in from the day at school, then they will talk about it.

Do you encourage her to have chats with you ?

abi2007

abi2007 wrote: »

My daughter is four and has major temper tantrums all the time, she crys non stop. she wont go to the bathroom alone (it's downstairs), she won't dress herself even though she can. I asked her to pick something up that she knocked over and she threw herself on the floor and pretented she couldn't do it. When she wants something she says "water" or sometimes even "I want water" and keeps repeating it till she gets it. No please or thankyou... I try and say to her she needs to say please and thankyou but she doesn't listen. I don't know what I'm doing wrong... I need super nanny.

I certainly don't want to sound like I am putting down your parenting skills at all, because parenting is the most difficult job in the world, so forgive me if that's the way it sounds.

I have to refer to your own post, she keeps doing wrong until she gets what she wants, as you lose your patience and give in. This means that your daughter knows that if she keeps at it she will get what she wants,
- you need to stick to your guns, you need to be the one in control, at the moment, your daughter is controlling you,
- you need to sit her down and talk to her calmly and explain to her that you are no longer willing to accept her behavior, if she does not say please and thank, she gets nothing.
- Try not to shout at your daughter, although that can be difficult, make her feel like you are disappointed with her when she has been bold, rather than angry, and make her feel fantastic when she is good.
- Don't let her move the goalposts either, if you say to her, I'm going to count to three, and if you don't pick up the cup, you will be punished, the worst thing you can do is count to three and not punish her (by removing a toy etc)
for example, if you get to three and then go to take the toy and she says, no I'll do it now, and she gets the toy back immediately, that is her in control again.

My sisters daughter acts exactly the same way, tbh, it drives me nuts when I have her but I can see all the things my sister is doing wrong, unfortunately she can't take criticism well so I say nothing.....

Best of luck xx

EDIT: I just read above post again, and see that your daughter doesn't talk to you about much, you need to make her comfortable with you, make her trust you, if she asks you a question, about anything at all, give her a full honest answer without fobbing her off, tell her about your day, good and bad, this will make her realise that this is normal and may encourage her to open up more to you.
You need to find the balance between best friend and mom.

vincenzo1975

I wonder is she having a hard time adjusting to the school. It may be worth arranging a 5 minute chat with the teacher to see if she has settled OK and made some friends. school can be a tough place for kids that find it hard to fit in.

Does she mix with the others before school stARTS IN THE PLAYGROUND IN THE MORNING?

Chances are, if she hates school, there is something causing that.

A way to try and tease this out, is to ask her to draw a picture of what school is like. ask her at the weekend when she is comfortable in the knowledge that she has a couple of days off. Give her a reward for the picture, maybe a trip to the cinema or something. Let her know that you will help her with anything she is finding tough. Let her draw whatever she wants, it may give you a clue to what a problem is.

The fears regarding the downstairs bathroom should be treated very carefully and with some respect. can you figure out what has caused them? Did she have difficulties potty training, or did she ever get locked in by accident? Are there any other enclosed spaces that she has a problem with? does she be bursting to go to the toilet when she gets home? if so, she may also have fears of the toilets(or other locations) in the school, which may be a big anxiety source for her.

the tantriums are a tough thing to deal with, this is hard, but you need to try and identify what is setting them off. Is it her resisting doing something you want, or is it because she wants something. If it is a control method on her behalf, fair boundries are the answer. Try to work out fair boundries with her, give her a hand in setting 'the deal' that way she will have ownership over them and respect them more. If the tantrums are the result of anxiety regarding something, then you may need to figure out why she is scared and make some changes to the home environment to help her through this tough period for her.

littlebug

I find that bedtime is when my daughter tends to talk to me. Sometimes we'll have cuddles, story and song in the big bed first she goes into her own bed and that's when I'll get the story of who said what and anything that has bothered her during the day. No amount of asking will get any information out of her until she's ready to tell.