Tuesday Um's

rocky25 · 21-10-2008 9:50am #1

Quasimodo is lying there at the foot of the bell tower.

His arms and legs broken.

His spine shattered.

Blood is oozing out of his ears.

He opens his eyes and looked up the bell tower at Esmeralda.

She is leaning over the parapet staring down at him.

"Bitch" quasi groaned

“That’s not what I meant when I asked you to toss me off"

~~~~~~~~

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.

I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested,

"Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand;

put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says,

"Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,

"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.

How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said,

"Holy smokes lady!

I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied,

"Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket,

and I'll hold the chickens."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom,

"Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what are they.

He says "well, pussy and bitch."

She says,

"Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.

He says to his dad,

"Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says,

"Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters.

She can't handle them.

What are the words?"

He tells him... "'pussy' and 'bitch.'"

Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf,

takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says,

"son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."

"OK, dad, so what's a 'bitch'?"

"Son," he says, "everything outside that circle”