Tuesday

rocky25

One day a house-work challenged Geordie decided to wash his replica football shirt.

Seconds after opening the washing machine he shouted to his wife,

“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends” she calls back “what does it say on the shirt?”

“Newcastle” he shouts back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out the front door, stepping around empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the postman says.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.

Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"

"Is that a game?" the postman asks. "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet.

Then the women try to guess who it is."

The postman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Well, that's why I came out to talk to you," Bob says.

"You better lay low for a few days, since your name came up seven times and several of the guys are looking for you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I heard that you can tell how old a tree is by counting the rings in the trunk, so I thought I'd saw down my neighbour's tree and have a look.

He saved me a job - he came out and shouted,

"you bastage! That tree's been there 75 years!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kid has just said to me "Penny for the Guy".

I thought, 'fook me, thats cheap', Madonna's cost her 40 million quid.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson.

If he hears any more allegations regarding little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'd like to say to the man wearing camouflage and using crutches who stole my wallet at the weekend,'

you can hide,but you can't run'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a woman goes to her closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," she really means

"I don't have anything NEW to wear."

When a man goes to his closet and says, "I don't have anything to wear," what he really means is

"I don't have anything CLEAN to wear."

coldfire1x

First and last are real good

Liked all of them.

dh0661

All good as usual rocky - #2 is the best imo