anyone recognise this?

WilsonHandball

Hi all,

not sure why I'm posting this as I don't believe there's a whole lot that can be done, but here goes. I'm a 29 yo male and have known for sometime that I'm gay. Despite knowing this I've never had the courage to admit this to people that know me and I've gone to great lengths to ensure that I'm outwardly 'straight'. Working in a male dominated job with absolutely no scope for coming out has helped to cement my efforts. I've had a few girlfriends but deep in the back of my mind I've known that the relationships were doomed and would never work. The conflict of being in a relationship where I knew I could never fully commit (and the utter selfishness of it) inevitably led them to fail and at present I am single again with plenty of questions about the future. I've never been able to imagine myself in a relationship with another man - a relationship that is explicit and that I would be unafraid of being public about - until last year that is.

Just over a year ago I was out in a local nightclub and happened to catch the eye of another guy. For the remainder of the night, despite not being in the same group we were always close to each other but never actually spoke. A couple of times our eyes met but because I was with friends I felt absolutely powerless to do anything. Cowardly I know but years of repression have brought me here. Well the night ended and I left thinking about what might have been and consoling myself with garlic and cheese fries from the local Abra. Throughout the following week i thought about this guy on and off and the following saturday the same thing happened all over again. I'm 99% certain that he was interested and that it was not my unconcious that led it to happen again. When I saw him the third weekend in a row I became jittery and ended up with a dry mouth and feeling like an excited schoolgirl. Trying to suppress that while in the company of a group of heterosexual lads was extremely difficult.

Following those three weekends I've thought about him regularly but haven't seen him. I've questioned what it is I'm feeling and don't believe its a crush. I've had past crushes but they've never lasted this long. When I go out now I'm going out hoping to see him and dissappointed when I don't. Its been over a year and this feeling of having lost the moment is not going away. At the same time I wonder if I was presented with the same situation would I actually do anything differently. I feel angry with myself for not having the courage to come out and be honest about who I am. I've thought about speaking to someone but friends/family is just too much at the moment. Has anyone else been in a similar situation or in one at the moment? Its head melting at times.

Thanks for your thoughts!

WH

moridin

WilsonHandball wrote: »

Hi all,

I've questioned what it is I'm feeling and don't believe its a crush. I've had past crushes but they've never lasted this long.

You've never even spoken to the guy, it's a crush, or hormonal infatuation. IMO, you're projecting your years of repressing your feelings onto someone who seemed to be interested in you.

If you can't speak to friends and family, is there nobody else you can talk to this about? You're 29, and it sounds you've started to realise that it's time to stop pursuing relationships which are doomed from the get go. Talk to someone, anyone, about how you're feeling. If you can't talk to someone you know, consider calling the Gay Switchboard. (see: gayswitchboard.ie)

You'll get through this, I know it's tough but you shouldn't have to live a life you're not comfortable with

Reflector

hey,
I'm 29 as well but I am out and in a relationship. I don't know what life would be like if I hadn't told people I was gay. I know that it led me down some dark times. My advice is to just tell one person. Someone you can trust and will not tell anyone else as you need to do this yourself. Once you've had this conversation with someone it'll increase your self confidence considerably and after that it'll get a lot easier. Also do it sooner rather than later, a regret lots of people have after they come out is that they didn't do it sooner.
Good luck,
Ciaran

Dwn Wth Vwls

I think your situation is incredibly common, and more people than we'll ever know have been in it or are in it. The guy you've seen is not important really, he's just the person you're projecting your feelings onto. He's just your beacon of hope for a happier life and if it wasn't him, it'd be somebody else. The less you know about someone, the easier it is to imagine they're the perfect person for you and fantasize about living happily ever after.

The real issue of course is that you're living a lie and you're not happy. You've built up what sounds like a very convincing charade and the longer it goes on, the harder it seems to admit it. I would say the good news is that you've already accepted you're gay and nothing is going to change that. There is no bad news, because you DO have the courage to come out, you just need some help.

The next step is to accept that coming out is worth it, and you will ultimately be happier for it. You also need to accept that you can come out, even if it's only in a very limited way. You can control it, it doesn't have to snowball.

People usually tell a friend first, but I can understand why you'd be reluctant in this case. Chances are people will be quite surprised when you tell them, because you've been so convincing. Just because they need time to get used to something, doesn't mean they won't be able to accept it though. Some people may even feel a bit hurt that you felt you couldn't confide in them, but they just have to understand that it was difficult for you.

I would say that maybe breaking it down into tiny steps will make it easier. Make it a goal and set yourself targets. Something like this might help you ease into it:

1) Say out loud to yourself "I am gay" and other variations. Then try it with a mirror.

2) Ring a hotline like http://www.gayswitchboard.ie/ and tell the person that you're gay. Obviously telling another human being will be scary, but it's anonymous and confidential and perfectly safe.

3) If you still don't feel ready to talk to a person face-to-face, try talking things through with a stranger online. Almost anybody LGBT will be happy to talk to you about their experiences. I know plenty of people here would be happy to help.

4) Say it to someone face to face. Someone who's gay is pretty much guaranteed to accept it, but possibly you don't know anyone personally that you'd trust. If you have trouble finding someone to say it to, maybe other people here have suggestions. (I don't know if it needs to be said, but you need to avoid any kind of sexual activity until you're really settled. Being humped and dumped is just going to send you backwards.)

Once you've said it to another person face to face, you're officially out. Congratulations. You still need to deal with the thoughts that are preventing you from telling your friends though. If you can write down exactly what you're thinking, then it'll be easier to examine your thoughts and see if they're really true.

It's probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life, and the first thing you'll think afterwards is that you should have done it sooner.

DubArk

As per usual Dwn Wth Vwls has given very good advice and he’s right when he says that, “incredibly common and more people than we'll ever know have been in it or are in it.”

It’s a place that most of us have found ourselves in and one of the loneliest places in the world.
By you starting thisThread you have made your first step in the right direction.
You should heed Dwn Wth Vwls and take the next step sooner rather then later as Life is too short.

I don’t mean this as an insult but Shakespeare summed it up very we’ll when he wrote,

“Cowards die manytimes before their deaths,the valiant never taste of death but once.”

I’m sure there are a lot of us here wishing you the best in your future and please keep us updated or if you need any more advice. You’re not alone!

WilsonHandball

Hi there,

Thanks very much to those who replied, each response has given me some food for thought and if I'm honest some courage for the path ahead.

Dwn wth Vwls your advice in particular made a great deal of sense and has presented me with a map for the future.

Thanks each of you for your time and effort. I've known for sometime that I'd have to accept who I truly am, I just needed a little push.

Best of luck,

WH.

Dwn Wth Vwls

We expect updates on your progress It's all too easy to walk away and put it off, you've probably been doing it for over a decade. You should set yourself the goal of having told two people face to face before Christmas.