Okay, need some advice please...

LegacyUser

Right so, here's the thing, and its a long thing

About a year ago I told my mam and dad that I'm gay, only problem is that they didn't believe me. (they were later proved right) Come to think of it, no adult that I told believed me because I wasn't like a queen or anything, I acted like all the other guys, and this instantly makes me straight!? And for a while I just let it sit there, then my dad told me not to box myself into a sexuality, as its harder to come back out of the proverbial gay "box" than it is to get into it. I said okay, that I'd take things as they came. At christmas I realised that I'm actually bi and I went out with a girl for about half a year.

This all seems okay, but my mam took this to mean that I'm straight, which annoys me because its like the whole thing has been swept under the rug, never to be spoken about again, for fear of what people might say or something. But like my aunt knows I'm bi and she's all cool with it and reckons the only one with a problem about it is my mam...

Anyway, my problem... I'm now in college and there's a guy that I know is either gay or bi, as he's in the lgbt soc and I really like him, he's really cute and I'm considering asking him out, only problem is that I swore to myself that I'd tell my mam and dad before I ever got a boyfriend. Only now I'm afraid of what will happen if I reopen those old wounds again....

This is really starting to impact on me, that there's this whole other side to me that they don't know about and I can't bring myself to tell them again. My mam bawled last time because all she was looking forward to in my life wasn't going to happen. Which both killed me that I was causing her such pain and angered me that she was so self-centred that her first reaction was that she wasn't going to have grandchildren. So stupid as it may have been I hopped back into the closet, but now, I need to come back out, and lock the door behind me.

I can't go back in there, thats the worst place I know, and over the summer I took to slicing myself, not deeply or anything, just enough so that I bled and that I could bleed and still claim it happened in work, and so little that I only ever had one or two cuts at a time. It wasn't a suicidal thing, just a way of physically feeling the mental pain I felt. I know that it must seem like I'm living my life for my mother, but I'm not, I can't, it would be like denying myself any form of expression.

I need to do this, I have to do it soon, because right now I feel dead. I actually have no reason to live... And you'd think it'd be easy to act straight when you're bi, but that's like cutting yourself in half and saying this is the better half, if you get what I mean...

Anyway, I probably strayed a bit over this thing, but a year of hell condensed into a little post like this isn't that easy, and none of this was easy to write...

So any advice/words of encouragement would be lovely, I could really use them

Resi12

No offence I dont want to sound bad but just screw the parents your old enough to make your own choices, it doesnt affect them, they didnt seem to mind you being gay and lastly you have to live your life.. This guy wont be around forever go for it x

anotherlostie

Resi12 wrote: »

No offence I dont want to sound bad but just screw the parents your old enough to make your own choices, it doesnt affect them, they didnt seem to mind you being gay and lastly you have to live your life.. This guy wont be around forever go for it x

I agree totally. It's time enough to get familiar with your own sexuality without having to share those emotions with your parents.

DubArk

It’s a difficult one to call as your self-harming, which seems to me that you’re in a very fragile position?

Part of growing up is experiencing life for yourself and not for your parents. Adulthood can be difficult for all young people of any persuasion. Im not an authority on self harming at all but I am led to believe that it comes from a controlling situation, that you are trying to find more control in your life. This is a very unhealthy way to go seek solace and you need to find help.

I would seek the advice of a doctor first and explain to them about your self-harming. You’re not going to bring much into the relationship you’re hoping to have with this guy; when you’re clearly not well at the moment. Ring the LGBT switch board for advice and maybe they could recommend you a doctor that you will feel completely at ease with.

Parents are parents and your mum and dad are not exactly in the dark about your feelings, so it can hardly be a major surprise to them that your bi, when you do tell them again. Your mums tears will dry up and she’ll move on. I’m sure if they knew that you were so unhappy they would be far more upset.

moridin

When my parents found out there wasn't a great reaction either. Mum got very upset with lots of crying and stuff whenever she saw me for months afterwards. I agreed that "it was a phase" to make things easier, with the provisio that "we'll see what happens when you go to college". Fast forward 2 years and nothing else had been mentioned of it, until the relationship I was in broke down and it hit me hard enough to talk to my mum about it.

She was... surprised. She thought that it was all in the past, but I think the time between the first and second "coming out" helped her to reconcile things herself. It went much better and now all is indeed good.

Boston

One Bisexual 'straight acting' male to another:

You swore you'd tell your parents what exactly? That you liked a boy? You're massively over thinking this. Go up to the boy and ask him out, if he tells you he's not interested then that's it, if he''s keen on dating then you may have a problem with the fokes, or not. You can't tell your parents about a relationship which doesn't exist yet. If you stick to this belief that you need to have it out with them again and have everyone ok with your sexuality before you start seeing other men, you'll be waiting a long time.

Your dad sounds fairly approachable. Making a comment like "don't box yourself into a sexuality" sounds like he doesn't care what you are once you're not making a mistake. He is right by the way, the "gay" box is a difficult one to get out of it, and living life as a gay man when you're bi is just as difficult as living the straight life when you're bi.

My mother took it the same as yours. I don't think its much to do with grand kids but rather that you'll never have kids, never have a normal life, never be happy, safe, secure, loved. If you can demonstrate to her that even some of these things are possible for men who love other men, then she should slowly come around. Remember your mother loves you, but at the moment its like you told her you have cancer and expect her to be happy about it.

The cutting/slicing/self harm. I've known a couple people, some very close to me, who do this. It's the physical manifestation of mental anguish. The pain is real, it is something to focus on, it is a distraction when nothing else can stop your mind racing. The other effect is that by inflicting physical pain on yourself your body releases endorphins which make you feel "happy" and re-leaved. You feel a weighted lifted. It's completely artificial and ultimately only results in a deteriorating mental state, a darker depression accompanied by more and deeper cutting. Stop it now, right now! If you do nothing else, stop cutting yourself. It will become an addition, dangerous and life destroying.

Dwn Wth Vwls

You're an adult, your parents don't need a running commentary of your love life. If or when something becomes serious with someone, you can deal with it then. You're absolutely right that trying to hide half of your sexuality is a horrible experience and you need to come out and stay out. Backing down isn't doing your parents any favours, it's just confusing them. You will always be bi, regardless of what gender you're currently in a relationship with.

Don't let self harming continue - http://www.pieta.ie/

Amnesiac_ie

Hey Unregistered,
It sounds like you've had a very difficult year. Well done for articulating everything that's been going on.
I have no advice other than to echo what all the previous posters have said. You have to look after yourself and your own happiness; obviously your parents love you and want what's best for you and are desperately anxious to see their son happy and content but you will never make them happy if you are hurting so bad that you are self harming.
I would advise you to ask this guy out. Ignore the concept of labels for now (as your Dad has suggested). Enjoy your youth and explore the feelings you are having. Your parents certainly do not need a running commentary on this! I hope you have your own friends and peers you can rely on as well; if not it may be worth considering joining the LGBT society in your college.
Best of luck with it.

LegacyUser

Hey all thanks for the advice Really means alot

Uhm firstly, I stopped slicing myself, a month or two ago, I just forgot to say that in that post :P I still have the scars on my arm and one on my leg to remind myself of the worst state I've ever been in and why I'll never do that again. It never felt good by the way... I knew exactly what I was doing, and I had no reason to do it other than stress and all this **** being kept inside me... But never again I says!

I am this close [holds fingers a negligable distance apart] from telling my dad... Only problem is that he spends all evening downstairs with my mam so its hard to get him on his own, but the next chance I get I shall

I already have joined the LGBT soc in college, hehe, that's where I met the fella in question, they're a really helpful bunch...

I have also adopted the "**** it" attitude, I don't really care about labels, never really have, but if you were to ask me what I identify as I'd say bi for convienience to be perfectly honest....

As for my mother's reaction I no longer care how she takes it, I live for myself, and myself alone. I AM NOT GOING BACK TO THAT CLOSET!!!!!!!