Quickies...

chaotic_vr · 11-11-2008 6:51pm #1

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

Bill catches a taxi home one evening and the cabbie charges him almost double the usual fare and when Bill complains he becomes abusive.
Bill resolves to get his revenge if he comes across this taxi driver again.
A week later Bill goes to get a cab home and notices the driver from the week before is third in the taxi rank.
He strolls up and gets in the first cab, once inside he tells the driver that he doesn’t have any cash but if he takes him home he’ll give him a blow job. The cab driver goes mad and kicks him out of his cab.
Bill now gets into the second cab and makes that driver the same proposition: a blow job for a lift home. The second driver also refuses and kicks him out.
So now Bill gets into the third taxi, the guy who ripped him off, and asks to be dropped a few blocks away.
As the cab drives off Bill smiles at the first two drivers and gives a big thumbs up…

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar enjoying a drink after a hard day working away from home.
“You know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there’s a wee bar called McManus’. The landlord there really knows how to look after the regulars. After you’ve bought 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you.”
“Reminds me of my old local, the Black Horse,” said the Englishman, “the guvnor there always gave me my third drink free.”
“That’s nothing,” said the Irishman. “Back home in Dublin there’s O’Malley’s Bar. As soon as you get through the door they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you’ve had plenty of drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.”
“Fantastic,” said the Englishman, “and this actually happen to you?”
“Not me, personally, no,” said the Irishman “but it did happen to my sister!”

Bill and Tom drove to a petrol station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to customers who purchase a full tank.
When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

“How do we enter?” asked Bill.
“Well it’s very simple,” replied the attendant, “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.”
“O.K. I guess 7, ” said Bill.
“Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” responded the attendant. “Come back soon and try again”
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get petrol.
When they went inside to pay, this time Tom asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
“Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex.”
“In that case I guess 2,” said Tom.
“Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again.”
As they walked back to the car, Bill said, “You know what Tom, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.”
“No way,” said Tom, “My wife won twice last week!”

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"