Real Newspaper Headlines!

dak

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT
MAKES HOLE IN ONE

DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING

DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE

ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED

DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT

COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES
GROWING UGLY

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN
JAYWALKERS

FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES
EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL

HOUSE PASSES GAS
TAX ONTO SENATE

POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA

TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST

STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED
TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN

MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES

MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING

IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE;
JURY HUNG

U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT




CHINESE APEMAN DATED

MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE

TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY

WILLIAM KELLY, 87, WAS FED SECRETARY

ALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD

NATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.

U'S FOOD SERVICE
FEEDS THOUSANDS,
GROSSES MILLIONS

COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLES

MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER

HALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS
SHOULD BE BELTED

SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR

S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF
BY NEW LAW

10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTED

QUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATER

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

COUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISH

JUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATER

MAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

CARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICIT

CARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELP

CARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT

THUGS EAT THEN ROB PROPRIETOR

ROBBER HOLDS UP ALBERT'S HOSIERY

NEW HOUSING FOR ELDERLY NOT YET DEAD

TOWN TO DROP SCHOOL BUS
WHEN OVERPASS IS READY

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

KISSINGER ALLEGEDLY FORGES MIDEAST PACT




GENETIC ENGINEERING SPLITS SCIENTISTS

IRAQUI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

SALESMAN SAYS HE LEFT
4 LARGE RINGS IN MALDEN BATHTUB

HERSHEY BARS PROTEST

MEAT HEAD FIGHTS HIKE IN MINIMUM PAY

NEW AUTOS TO HIT 5 MILLION



QUEEN MARY HAVING BOTTOM SCRAPED

IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS?

HENSHAW OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY
TO GOOSE HUNTERS

CONNIE TIED, NUDE
POLICEMAN TESTIFIES

WOMEN'S MOVEMENT CALLED
MORE BROAD-BASED

ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE

STUD TIRES OUT

PROSTITUTE APPEAL TO POPE

CITY MAY IMPOSE MANDATORY TIME
FOR PROSTITUTION

SPLIT REARS IN FARMERS' MOVEMEMT

MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED
AT NEARBY SCHOOL

JAIL GUARD PROBE IN PRISON SEX

GROVER MAN DRAWS PRISON TERM,
FINE FOR SEX ACTS

PANDA MATING FAILS
VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

KIDS' PAJAMAS TO BE REMOVED BY WOOLWORTH

NUNS DROP SUIT; BISHOPS AGREE TO AID THEM

PLANNED PARENTHOOD LOOKING
FOR VOLUNTEERS

N. J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH.

CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDEN





IDAHO GROUP ORGANIZES TO HELP
SERVICE WIDOWS

COLUMNIST GET UROLOGIST IN TROUBLE
WITH HIS PEERS

DR RUTH TO TALK ABOUT SEX
WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS

PASTOR AGHAST AFTER FIRST LADY SEX POSITION

MRS. CORSON'S SEAT UP FOR GRABS

SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN TEXAS

CAUSE OF AIDS FOUND -- SCIENTISTS

STERILIZATIONS SOLVES PROBLEMS
FOR PETS, OWNERS

ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX



BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

CITY PACT FIGHT BOILS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET,
BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

SWAZI KING, 2 SONS POISON SUSPECTS

DEALERS WILL HEAR CAR TALK FRIDAY NOON

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM

MONDALE'S OFFENSIVE LOOKS HARD TO BEAT

AMERICAN SHIPS HEAD TO LIBYA

LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVISE

LIFE MEANS CARING FOR HOSPITAL DIRECTOR

HORNETS WILL ACCENT THROWING GAME IN '81

SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66






MAN EATING PIRANHA MISTAKENLY SOLD
AS PET FISH

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

ADMITS SHOOTING HUSBAND FROM STAND
DURING TRIAL

LAWMEN FROM MEXICO BARBECUE GUESTS

PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND,
CRASH PROBE TOLD

MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANNT

FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN

STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE

FINE YOUNG MAN CONVICTED OF MISDEMEANOR

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

SILENT TEAMSTER BOSS GETS UNUSUAL
PUNISHMENT, LAWYER

TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 10 YEARS
IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME
IN 10 YEARS

COMMUTER TAX ON NEW YORKERS
KILLED IN NEW JERSEY



NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION
FROM LOVED ONE

CANCER SOCIETY HONORS MARLBORO MANN

NICARAGUA SETS GOAL TO WIPE OUT LITERACY

DRUNKEN DRIVERS PAID $1, 000 IN '84

AUTOS KILLING 110 A DAY
LET'S RESOLVE TO DO BETTER

20-YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTAR



WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY,
IT MAY LAST A WHILE









SMOKERS ARE PRODUCTIVE, BUT DEATH
CUTS EFFICIENCY

COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

HALF OF U.S. HIGH SCHOOLS
REQUIRE SOME STUDY
FOR GRADUATION

CHILD'S DEATH RUINS COUPLE'S HOLIDAY

BLIND WOMAN GETS NEW KIDNEY
FROM DAD SHE HASN'T SEEN IN YEARS

SCENT FOUL PLAY
IN DEATH OF MAN
FOUND BOUND AND HANGED

MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN

ENDFIELD COUPLE SLAIN:
POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH,
EXPERT SAYS

DEATH CAUSES LONELINESS,
FEELINGS OF ISOLATION