Is he inconsiderate and scabby or am I expecting too much??!

Darragh29

My 2 cents worth, you can't shame a mean person. They have no shame, there is nothing worse than a mean person, get rid of him is my advice, people who suffer from this don't lick it off a stone, it is usually bred into them for years and no matter what you do, it's the way they operate and you'll never see a change... If you want to be picking up the bill for every taxi fare and every round of drinks for the rest of your life, this is what you'll be taking on.

Victor

metrovelvet & Iamxavier - unless one of you is the OP, stop hogging the thread and go elsewhere.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

OP, can you tell us a bit more about the situation?

Are you from america?

Does he drive you around, does he have "stealth" bills like petrol, or phone bills that you may not be aware of? (Does he always ring you?)

Does he have a lot of outgoings?

If you can tell us a little more, without going into too much detail

Ok, in my relationship with my girlfriend it seems that she pays for everything. Yet I pay for the insurance, tax and petrol for us to travel (which is not cheap) I pay for rent and bills. She pays for meals out, drinks, groceries. See where I am comming from? Now we do not count what we spend, or disbute it. But we have an agreement that we go 50/50, even if that 50/50 is not accurate. Sometimes she will help with bills, and I will help with drinks or food. It works for us.

The Corinthian

To begin with I think it bizarre that we're discussing what is normal in the US. As far as we know the OP and her bf are based in Ireland and that cultural frame is all that's important. Otherwise we can discuss ad nauseum how in Sweden a girl will raise an eyebrow if a man ever offers to pay or in Morocco a girl will raise an eyebrow if a man ever expects her to pay. Who cares?

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

TBH the implication I got from her post was that she was paying a bit more and that there was not a lot of wining and dining in general in the relationship.

She implies this in her first posts, and then in the same post gives an example where he is paying more than her (and she resents paying her part), so it's difficult to say what the truth is.

I think in general as he is on good money (compared to OP) it is surprising that he is not a little more generous in the honeymoon period of a new relationship.

They're together four months - I don't think many would still consider this still part of any honeymoon period. As for relative income, this is irrelevant unless he wants her to be part of a lifestyle that she can't afford.

In my experience spoiling each other in the early days is common practice and adds to the feel good experience. It is not just the money it is the gestures.

I agree, although it as already pointed out, after four months they're no longer realistically in the early days. Additionally, gestures like this should be reciprocated. Reciprocal gestures are often not made, or when made are laughable (after cooking on numerous occasions for one woman, she returned the favour - unfortunately this simply meant that I was cooking in her kitchen rather than my own).

It's all to easy for a relationship to fall into a pattern whereby one party expects something unreasonable as being normal and when this happens the other person has to place boundaries - which might appear as meanness.

Of course, that does not preclude him from being mean as well.

I think in general most people agree he appears a bit tight (I would say incredibly). The OP has to decide if this is a dealbreaker as she says he is sound in other ways.

Certainly from her description, however there have been a few things she's written that have caused me to doubt her account.

However, ultimately, if she's not happy with this and feels she is not being unreasonable then she should consider moving on. She may indeed be reasonable about her expectations, in which case she'll have better luck next time. If she's not, she'll simply find a recurring pattern of 'mean' men in her life until she either realizes that she is expecting too much or is fortunate enough to find a man gullible enough to meet those expectations, without the inevitable chauvinist price tag.

Dave!

Expect to go halves. If it winds up that you're paying for him all the time without offering, then he's scabby, and vice versa.

ELLIEJ

The Corinthian wrote: »

Unless I've misread this thread, I've not seen anywhere that suggests he expects her to shell out more than 50:50

Well check post #53 then...

ELLIEJ

Its so sad to see there are so many penny pinching, money obsessed men and women out there and I dont mean the OP....

My OH was insistent at paying at the start and I since discovered its because his last 2 GF's expected him to pay... We dont get down to the details of who spends what - thats crass... I truly believe its 50/50 and I am more than happy that way. If I suggest going for dinner then I pay for it... Its not an exact science but we have managed to work it out without drama.

OP, you should not feel obliged to pay for him. If you want to stay with him, and meanness is one of my red flags, then you need to wise up and offer your 50%. If you are out for a meal, make sure you have cash and pay your half, leave it there and walk off.. Let him sort out his share..

I would be holding off on treating him until this stabilises out... It wont make him love you more and it wont mend whats broken in your relationship, it will just make you broke...

I think, from some of the scenario's you have painted, eg the breakfast roll / car incident, that he has few manners.. I have never been treated like that and would not like it... Do unto others etc etc etc

There are plenty of nice, non scabby men out there, not that you would know from SOME of the posters and if this guys attitude, manners and spending habits are not right for you then move on...

dellym123

i had not expected this thread to attract such interest, but i am grateful and appreciate everyones penny's worth! il try to clear up and answer afew uncertainties..
The reason i sought others opinions is due to the fact that I have never experienced this situation in any previous relationship. I lived with a boyfriend when I was in college and he was working, there was never an issue, we split things 50/50 and if we went for a meal, he or I would pay and then 50/50 on the drinks afterwards. It just was not an issue. The relationship after this, I was working and the guy didnt have much work on at the time, I mostly paid for him and me for quite some time and never once thought a thing of it, I knew he would look after me if I hit hard times.And would u believe this is the guy i truely loved out of them all, i just want to reiterate the fact that I am not with sm1 for money. My last relationship, he treated me, i treated him the next time, nothing was set in stone, just always ended up being evens without even giving it a second thought.
I posted this because I am new to this situation and as u are aware , did not know how to handle it without making either party look bad.
I live in Ireland, just outside Dublin, not the US
Alot of comments seemed to suggest I had serious issue with paying for the snacks at the cinema the other night, in a 50/50 situation I would have gladly done it, but the reason I was disgruntled about buying the snack after he paid in was due to the fact that the previous 2 cinema trips, I paid for entry and snacks and i so boldly figured that wen at the till for the popcorn he might pay or even offer - but instead he said ' get me a large coke wil ya'!

Some conclude that I sound like a miser or a golddigga , but I have never ever been like this before. And i probably would have come up with the same snide comments as some of u here if I had not experienced this first hand, but i can guarantee that u would find yourself thinking ' hey i paid for the last few outings' in the back of ur head, if u were in my situation.
Our first meal only cost a bit less than €50,we only got mains and a drink, its not like i drank wine all evening in the hope he'd say 'no no il pay for it' when the bill arrived. He suggested we go for the meal.
His outgoings?? He lives with his parents, doesn't pay any bills.
It was suggested that I should buy him some treats/gifts, I have bought him afew small gifts here and there.
Get my own breakfast roll??!!
I just used that as a simple example of his mannerisms, its not the price of the roll, hell i always buy my own stuff. Heres another example. One night we decided to get some drink from the Off Licence, he suggested we get a box of bottles of miller between us, i agreed. Walked into the shop, he spies a 6 pack of Tuborg, says' well this wil do me grand!' and walked to the counter leaving me there in a bit of bewilderment. I didnt even want to drink then,just wanted to go home. He said 'youv money dont ya' before walkin out to the car without me. Again i think this boils down to a mixture of being clueless, inconsiderate and just trying to dodge any potential moment of being at the till beside me?!!

I hate painting such a picture of my OH but it is all the truth...:rolleyes:

The Corinthian

Well, since you cleared it up thus... yeah, he's a mean prick.

daisybelle2008

dellym123 wrote: »

i had not expected this thread to attract such interest, but i am grateful and appreciate everyones penny's worth! il try to clear up and answer afew uncertainties..
The reason i sought others opinions is due to the fact that I have never experienced this situation in any previous relationship. I lived with a boyfriend when I was in college and he was working, there was never an issue, we split things 50/50 and if we went for a meal, he or I would pay and then 50/50 on the drinks afterwards. It just was not an issue. The relationship after this, I was working and the guy didnt have much work on at the time, I mostly paid for him and me for quite some time and never once thought a thing of it, I knew he would look after me if I hit hard times.And would u believe this is the guy i truely loved out of them all, i just want to reiterate the fact that I am not with sm1 for money. My last relationship, he treated me, i treated him the next time, nothing was set in stone, just always ended up being evens without even giving it a second thought.
I posted this because I am new to this situation and as u are aware , did not know how to handle it without making either party look bad.
I live in Ireland, just outside Dublin, not the US
Alot of comments seemed to suggest I had serious issue with paying for the snacks at the cinema the other night, in a 50/50 situation I would have gladly done it, but the reason I was disgruntled about buying the snack after he paid in was due to the fact that the previous 2 cinema trips, I paid for entry and snacks and i so boldly figured that wen at the till for the popcorn he might pay or even offer - but instead he said ' get me a large coke wil ya'!

Some conclude that I sound like a miser or a golddigga , but I have never ever been like this before. And i probably would have come up with the same snide comments as some of u here if I had not experienced this first hand, but i can guarantee that u would find yourself thinking ' hey i paid for the last few outings' in the back of ur head, if u were in my situation.
Our first meal only cost a bit less than €50,we only got mains and a drink, its not like i drank wine all evening in the hope he'd say 'no no il pay for it' when the bill arrived. He suggested we go for the meal.
His outgoings?? He lives with his parents, doesn't pay any bills.
It was suggested that I should buy him some treats/gifts, I have bought him afew small gifts here and there.
Get my own breakfast roll??!!
I just used that as a simple example of his mannerisms, its not the price of the roll, hell i always buy my own stuff. Heres another example. One night we decided to get some drink from the Off Licence, he suggested we get a box of bottles of miller between us, i agreed. Walked into the shop, he spies a 6 pack of Tuborg, says' well this wil do me grand!' and walked to the counter leaving me there in a bit of bewilderment. I didnt even want to drink then,just wanted to go home. He said 'youv money dont ya' before walkin out to the car without me. Again i think this boils down to a mixture of being clueless, inconsiderate and just trying to dodge any potential moment of being at the till beside me?!!

I hate painting such a picture of my OH but it is all the truth...:rolleyes:

Hiya OP, I have been in the 'he IS scabby' camp so far, Now I am just :eek: gobsmacked. Seriously what are you doing with him??? I really don't know how you put up with that. I would not have gone near him after him asking you out for your first meal and then expecting you to split the bill and letting you pay for all the cinema trips and snacks unless shamed into dipping into his wallet. Is it not a huge turnoff for you???
I went on one date with a scabby guy (who did the running and asked me out!), he bummed money off me to pay for the majority of the bill. If he had kicked me between the legs it could not have been a bigger turnoff. I would not have dreamt of going near him again never mind snogging his stingy face.
I think you are far too tolerate and should kick his bill dodging ass to the kerb pronto and don't be afraid to tell him why. His parents have obviously entertained his antics and still are..Weird...
I think if people are generous by nature they would find his behaviour horrible and a turnoff. He is the bloody golddigger here...call a spade a spade.

karma403

One night we decided to get some drink from the Off Licence, he suggested we get a box of bottles of miller between us, i agreed. Walked into the shop, he spies a 6 pack of Tuborg, says' well this wil do me grand!' and walked to the counter leaving me there in a bit of bewilderment. I didnt even want to drink then,just wanted to go home. He said 'youv money dont ya' before walkin out to the car without me. Again i think this boils down to a mixture of being clueless, inconsiderate and just trying to dodge any potential moment of being at the till beside me?!!

That really shows that he is taking advantage of your generosity. Time to move on!

Aloysius Flyte

Sorry to have to say this, but he's a tight arse and it's one of the least attractive qualities in a person.

I have shared with many of them in the past, one who even took back the smoke alarm (I kid you not!!).

Luckily for them, this person in particular has married an equally tightarsed person, someone who doens't like spending money and sharing and giving.

You do like sharing and should be with someone who does also.:)

beth-lou

Well after that last bit of info the picture is a hell of a lot clearer and I would have to agree that he is scabby, has little respect for himself or you and is quite content to let you pick up the tab for whatever he can get away with.

If I were you I'd consider dropping him. Not good for the long term. And clueless does not forgive his actions. He's taking advantage of you.

And for the record, you don't sound like a golddigger or anything like it. In fact, quite the opposite and he is taking the piss. There are way better guys out there. Move on. He'll just get worse.

LegacyUser

??! He just doesn't seem like a very fun person to go out with, I don't see what the attraction is or why you're still with him!! You're giving out about his tightness, but not even suggesting that his personality/sense of humour/etc makes up for it ... I don't really get what's in it for you, money aside!!

Also - this may sound harsh - but nothing you've said would suggest he's really that into you.

Me and my boyfriend earn roughly the same money. I would imagine, overall, our expenses would be 50/50 ... but we'd never actually split things at the time -- if one of us suggests going out for a meal, we'd treat the other person, coz we want to!!! Not coz we have to or coz we feel we should ... also, if we're buying stuff in a shop, I tend to dump it all on him to pay for while I look at the magazines But he sure as hell doesn't mind, it's just less hassle to pay for it all together, and as I said it works out pretty even in the long term. To be honest, if money's an issue in a relationship, I just wouldn't be interested. NOT coz I expect everything to be paid for - I don't - I just wouldn't enjoy being with someone for whom money was the be all and end all.

SpiderPiglet

OP this is obvioulsy getting to you and it will get worse, he will start to get on your nerves and become less and less attractive..... so I'd end it now if I were you, he's not only stingy he's also incredibly rude.... leaving you in the off-licence on your own, ffs.... I wouldnt like that from a friend, can't imagin tolerating that from my OH.

LolaDub

In general i would say the days of a man paying 100% of the time are gone and rightly so. The current uncertainty of payment on dates seems to cause a lot of offense on both sides. Perhaps people who expect the oh to pay or not should learn to voice this in a non serious manner. I've been with some guys who were offended if i asked to pay or contribute to the bill and i've been with others who would decide to look around the room/text/go to the bathroom/ twiddle their thumbs when the bill arrived. Personally i like a bit of give and take, if i had no money to go out then i wouldn't go out, and i like to be able to treat a guy on occasion without him becoming offended. I think people need to accept that times are changing on both sides.

In this case op i think he's being very mean. His salary shouldn't come into your relationship but i don't think you should be paying for more than half without cause. If it were me i would say something gently to him but it sounds like he will just ignore that. Perhaps you should start paying for your own things and yours only and see if he brings it up? If money is so important to him once he sees you're not as willing to put your hand in your own pocket to see him then he sense the change of tide? Walking out of places without you shows a lack of manners imo, i suspect this guy could be more bad mannered than cheap but i suppose you'll know that shortly if you discuss it. Good luck!

LegacyUser

OP he sounds like a stingy f*cker, I'd blank his ass if I was you. The way I see it men should always offer to pay, I don't mean they then have to pay and I agree everything should be 50/50 (as most girls would) but the truth is girls like it when men offer, it just makes us feels good and makes us feel cared about by that person (Girls like chivalry) and it's a simple gesture that will always make us happy and we'll always recprocate it in an affectionate way. If he's going out on a date with you and all he's doing is counting the pennies then that whole night will be ruined because lets face it, you can't enjoy the movie if all you have at the back of your mind is wether he's running a tab for you. Do you really want to have kids with someone like that? can you imagine the wedding? Your dress would come from Oxfam and you'd only be allowed invite 5 guests...

NewFrockTuesday

I agree with the get the hell outta dodge advice that seems to be over running. Its no fun being with a tight wad - and as someone pointed out, just imagine life with them - starting with that wedding. Or indeed - what wedding?!He would not be an advocate of marriage- or it will be delayed and delayed and delayed because the thoughts of actually shelling out for it would cause too many sleepless nights.


The thing is, they will aways be dressed nicely, have the best and generally all the good thing, its you as your last example shows, who ends up wanting and frustrated. He doesnt love you and he doenst respect you so why bother with him?

Is he tight with other people or just you? Is he known for tight fistedness in his own circle? Or is he the one whos great craic and woud do anything for anyone? Its amazing the shows people put on, but at the end of the day, you will be the one getting the blame for the high esb bill or whatever if ye actually live togeather in the future. Its a form of control and nothing less.

LegacyUser

hey OP,

your ''man'' if you can call him that is a complete tightarse, selfishness is probably the most disgusting quality in a person. Your in a young enough relationship so youd imagine he'd be all about you, doing stuff for you, surprises, gifts etc. Fair enough, cinemas should be a 50/50 operation or things like that should work out evens in the end but, i dunno, it can only go downhill from here.

Gees, when i think about it, the stuff i did for my last gf........, i suppose im the type of guy who actually gets more pleasure from spending money and helping the person whos close to me than i do from spending it on my self, mabey im odd.?????

LegacyUser

my boyfriend and i are both students, working part time.
whenever we're at the till, I either end up paying or he won't be sure that I am paying (i wont be there with my purse in my hand) and he'll put money out and i (stupidly...go easy on me..its in my nature) will say" ah i'll get it"

and even though he's there with the money in midair and the checkout girl looking at him. he'll stay there suspended without handing the money over. then i realise he really is not paying so i flounder to get the money out.


I understand this is as much my fault as his but im assuming he's stingy.(opinions please)


PLUS whenever we go anywhere, he takes 20 euro out of his wallet and leaves his wallet in the car. I end up paying for most stuff but lets say we saw something we'd like to do.....i'd HAVE To pay the extra coz he's not in a position to be financially spontaneous. I feel like he's being inconsiderate here. I don't mind splitting the cost of the extra, i don't want him to pay the extra but i'd like of he could contribute. am i making any sense?

The Recliner

OP I think this needs a new thread, this thread is ancient and there is now a relationships forum for this sort of thing