Friend is ugly...should I tell her?

mags16

Ugliness and beauty are subjective.

I'm sure we all know people who, physically, are no oil paintings but are devastatingly attractive. An example is a well known music and arts journalist who has his own tv show. A friend says that he looks like his face got stuck in a lift door. But he is enormously attractive. This is because he is intelligent, interesting, stylish and confident. Tres sexy.

I also have known girls who's features are less than classic but they make up for it bigtime by their sassiness, style, and confidence. They have landed great guys and have no problem with their big noses, strange faces or gangly limbs. They didn't get that way by their "friends" telling them they are ugly.

I happily have a form of body dismorphia. I look in the mirror and I think I look fabulous. But then someone takes a photo and I am surprised that I am not the stunner I thought I was. But I think that is quite healthy. I'm mature enough to not rely on others for self worth. I walk through life with a confident spring to my step. Unfortunately the OP's friend is not yet that mature. And being judged by her friend as ugly has probably had a terrible effect on her.

JohnGalt

Physical attractiveness is not entirely subjective. There are features of an individuals appearance which are, for obvious evolutionary reason, repellent. Often but not always aspects of the female appearance which are deemed attractive are those which show health, as this represents fertility. Therefore aspects of the female physical appearance which don't exhibit healthiness, or in fact demonstrate the opposite are not attractive, for example severe acne, poor complexion or gross excess weight. This girl has all of the above characteristics and more, which means that if you are talking about her physical attractiveness, then yes, she is unattractive. This says nothing about how you could grow to like her appearance if you got to know her or were in a long term relationship with her, but that is not the subject at hand.

Lollipops23

JohnGalt wrote: »

Physical attractiveness is not entirely subjective. There are features of an individuals appearance which are, for obvious evolutionary reason, repellent. Often but not always aspects of the female appearance which are deemed attractive are those which show health, as this represents fertility. Therefore aspects of the female physical appearance which don't exhibit healthiness, or in fact demonstrate the opposite are not attractive, for example severe acne, poor complexion or gross excess weight. This girl has all of the above characteristics and more, which means that if you are talking about her physical attractiveness, then yes, she is unattractive. This says nothing about how you could grow to like her appearance if you got to know her or were in a long term relationship with her, but that is not the subject at hand.

I still fail to see how it would help her to tell her all this?it obviously hasn't!all it has done is put a massive dent in her self esteem, which by the sound of it was shaky to begin with.
it's with GREAT self restraint that i'm abiding by the "no personal comments" rule on boards.ie BTW OP.

mags16

JohnGalt wrote: »

Physical attractiveness is not entirely subjective. There are features of an individuals appearance which are, for obvious evolutionary reason, repellent. Often but not always aspects of the female appearance which are deemed attractive are those which show health, as this represents fertility. Therefore aspects of the female physical appearance which don't exhibit healthiness, or in fact demonstrate the opposite are not attractive, for example severe acne, poor complexion or gross excess weight. This girl has all of the above characteristics and more, which means that if you are talking about her physical attractiveness, then yes, she is unattractive. This says nothing about how you could grow to like her appearance if you got to know her or were in a long term relationship with her, but that is not the subject at hand.

You are talking about that well known link between acne and fertility:eek:!

The first two reasons you give for her so called ugliness are her complexion and acne. One is linked to the other. People grow out of acne. It is rarely a life sentence. And as far as weight is concerned, many very attractive people are overweight. It also does not need to be a life sentence. The acne and the weight problems can be exacerbated by stress. And what you just said to your friend probably have added to that stress.

I hope you are proud of yourself.

JohnGalt

mags16 wrote: »

You are talking about that well known link between acne and fertility:eek:!

The first two reasons you give for her so called ugliness are her complexion and acne. One is linked to the other. People grow out of acne. It is rarely a life sentence. And as far as weight is concerned, many very attractive people are overweight. It also does not need to be a life sentence. The acne and the weight problems can be exacerbated by stress. And what you just said to your friend probably have added to that stress.

I hope you are proud of yourself.

You are arguing against your own concept of my point rather than the point itself. I won't bother restating it, I don't really care what you have to say

Lollipops23

JohnGalt wrote: »

I don't really care what you have to say

then don't post on boards.you came here looking for opinions and the majority have said stuff you didn't wanna hear. tough.

PurpleBerry

JohnGalt wrote: »

Therefore aspects of the female physical appearance which don't exhibit healthiness, or in fact demonstrate the opposite are not attractive, for example severe acne, poor complexion or gross excess weight. This girl has all of the above characteristics and more...

Poor girl, it sounds like she doesn't have anything at all going for her physically. Surely this can't be true? There are people who find Amy Winehouse attractive so there must be someone who would find your friend attractive?

Try to think of any of her good points phyically. Does she have nice eyes or nice hands? A good nose? Try to find something good about her physically and bring these to her attention. Help her to find something good to focus on, some feature to make the best of.

JohnGalt

Lollipops23 wrote: »

then don't post on boards.you came here looking for opinions and the majority have said stuff you didn't wanna hear. tough.

No no, that statement was specific to you, there are others people on this whose opinion I value

Lollipops23

JohnGalt wrote: »

No no, that statement was specific to you, there are others people on this whose opinion I value

eh it was Mags you quoted in that piece!:rolleyes:

LegacyUser

OP, you do not seem to value ANY of the opinions anyone has given you. You've given hostile responses to the more emotional responses to your thread and the ones that might have directly meant to offend you. You have completely ignored any of the other advice anyone has given you (which I think was pretty unanimous but you still went ahead and told your friend she was ugly anyway, why?!). Why did you bother asking for the advice in the first place? Answer this, or shut up please.

Your friend is not attractive, fine. Why on earth did you tell her this though?! What does it achieve? Do you reckon she's going to have a lightbulb moment and think to herself 'oooooooooooh, this explains everything. thanks, friend'? If you were getting frustrated with her going on about not being able to find a man then why didn't you find some other way to deal with it? She's insecure, and it can be annoying when people go about stuff their insecure about... attention seeking etc, but for jaysus sakes!

JohnGalt

Lollipops23 wrote: »

eh it was Mags you quoted in that piece!:rolleyes:

Really, cool. Yawn. I am glad you weighed in on that one too.

Marksie

Johngalt: i infracted you earlier and you still continue. Banned for trolling
CPaw: banned for commenting on wibbs decision.
This thread has gone far enough.
Locked