Friend is ugly...should I tell her?

St Bill

JohnGalt wrote: »

Are you reading what I am writing or making it up in your head? I never said that there is no alternative to telling her, if that were the case the thread would be entitled, "friend is ugly...I am going to tell her" As for your statement that I said I think i should confirm her fears, you did make that one up didn't you :cool: Maybe you have been called ugly before, I am sure it hurts but there is no need to start making up fictitious positions to argue against.

Your thread title is 'Friend is ugly....should I tell her?'
I said that I think you're lousy to even think that you should tell her, if you didn't want to hear the opposite of your opinion, why did you start the thread in the first place?
Maybe nobody has ever had an opinion different to your's before, I am sure it hurts but there is no need to start making up fictitious statements just because you're backed into a corner and you've nothing else to say for yourself

Dudess

ArthurGuinness wrote: »

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.......Just because your not attracted to her dosnt mean that no one else out there is.

Ok... that is not what he is saying. He is saying IN GENERAL she would be considered unattractive and it's likely to be affecting her chances of meeting guys.

Its brings me to another old saying. Who needs enemies....

Why? Where exactly does he give an indication that he's not a good friend to her. It seems like he is actually. She seems to be able to confide in him...

littlesurfer

i think its funny that this thread is getting so much attention....i smell a rat.....

Karmaa

JohnGalt wrote: »

My friends tear me down and laugh about me when I am not around, and I do the same when they aren't around, that is normal, the usual sort of thing like he is an idiot, imagine; people have been aborted and yet he draws breath, he is a complete and utter fcuk up at life, that sort of banter that goes on between friends,

You said it just there, it is ‘banter’; deciding whether to tell a friend they are ugly or not is not ‘banter’, it is very, very wrong. If you are any kind of friend to this girl you should know not to even consider thinking of her as ugly, never mind telling her.

Lollipops23

Dudess wrote: »

Why? Where exactly does he give an indication that he's not a good friend to her. It seems like he is actually. She seems to be able to confide in him...

a good friend wouldn't be on here pondering whether or not to tell a girl she's ugly. it's how to be a good friend 101. jesus, i can't believe i'm having to defend what i wrote earlier,i really thought it was an open and shut thread!!the girl is obviously insecure to be asking this guy if she's ugly all the time; how on earth is telling her she is going to help??really??

Dudess

Oh I agree he shouldn't tell her... but he's not a bad person for posing his question.

Karmaa wrote: »

If you are any kind of friend to this girl you should know not to even consider thinking of her as ugly, never mind telling her.

Aw what?! He can't even consider thinking of her as something he observes...

Good god, the sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitudes on this thread are awesome.

Seriously people, get with reality.

Lollipops23

Dudess wrote: »

Good god, the sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitudes on this thread are awesome.

Seriously people, get with reality.

no, people here are obviously knowledgeable in the area of how to treat your friends, clichés aside.

Karmaa

Dudess wrote: »

Oh I agree he shouldn't tell her... but he's not a bad person for posing his question.

Aw what?! He can't even consider thinking of her as something he observes...

Good god, the sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitudes on this thread are awesome.

Seriously people, get with reality.

Oh I'm sorry am I not allowed an opinion? you have had yours, I have had mine no need to keep quoting me, I don't need to see it twice!

JohnGalt

St Bill wrote: »

Your thread title is 'Friend is ugly....should I tell her?'
I said that I think you're lousy to even think that you should tell her, if you didn't want to hear the opposite of your opinion, why did you start the thread in the first place?
Maybe nobody has ever had an opinion different to your's before, I am sure it hurts but there is no need to start making up fictitious statements just because you're backed into a corner and you've nothing else to say for yourself

I am at a loss as to how you have come to your conclusions, but it is not of any consequence so carry on if you so wish

Anyway, I appreciate much of the feedback I received from some posters, I am not as yet decided but I will consider your opinions in making my decision. Many thanks

Marksie

Dudess: banned 1 week off topic posting ignoring moderator warning.

Karmaa if you ahve a problem with the post report it.

St Bill

JohnGalt wrote: »

Anyway, I appreciate much of the feedback I received from some posters, I am not as yet decided but I will consider your opinions in making my decision. Many thanks

You're welcome :pac:

Liam Byrne

If someone can post a comprehensive and definitive definition of "ugly", then maybe we'll be able to decide for the OP ?

Other than that, I'd have to say that it's down to personal preference - and even then, it's down to lighting, mood, feelings and even (God forbid) beer-goggles!!!

So since it's not even "objective" or definitive within one person's opinion, how could we possibly have a global definition ??

And (as an aside) I don't think the word "ugly" even refers to looks; to me, ugliness is a "trait" - refers to morals, bitchiness, meanness, etc.

by8auj6csd3ioq

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

Also beauty is only skin deep.

how deep is ugliness then?

somethingwitty

Hi OP,
No I really don't think its a good idea to tell her... It won't do anything for her. Confidence plays a big part in it and the more she can be confident about herself, the better off she will be.

Her confidence and feeling of security will have taken a huge knock since she has just come out of this relationship she has been in for a long time, so it is DEFINATLY no time to be so blunt.

Its really is true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She may not be attractive to most people, but everyone will always have an admirer.

She probably knows she isn't the best looking girl in the world. If she isn't happy with herself (and she probably isn't) then now is the perfect time for her to try to make some asthetic improvements. Girls will nearly always want to make a change after a break up. For a lot of women its a new hairstyle! Maybe she can get some new make up, new clothes..whatever if it will help boost her confidence. Why don't you work it into a conversation that she should make a few changes. Tell her now is a good time. She will probably be up for it. When somebody is confident it shows. And it adds to attractiveness. Good luck!

IanCurtis

JohnGalt wrote: »

All my friends know her and she is referred to as an ugly pig, trainwreck or a face like a shotgun suicide, the usual insensitive remarks said behind peoples backs. So my question is, is she better knowing that she is not attractive, or should I say nothing and hope she meets a new guy before I put my foot in it and misinterpret her fishing for compliments and a much needed boosted in self esteem with an actual question requiring a factual answer.

There's really nothing to help her by saying that to her, but I know what you mean. Blokes tend to say these things out straight, but women can be their own worst enemies.

I'd say leave her to it. You guys are young, as you get older you care less and less about what you look like and what people think of you. Don't kick her for no real reason. Enjoy her company and hold your tongue...no one's perfect after all!

JohnGalt

Well I weighed it up in my mind and decided that next time she asked me if I thought she was ugly I decided to tell her, and then last night she asked me and I said "Emily, you are not physically attractive, no, but..." I was going to finish the sentence by reminding her of all the other great characteristics she has, but she hung up. She rang me up about twenty five minutes later crying and shouting at me asking me how I could be so insensitive especially knowing that she has just been through a tough breakup. She was really freaking out and I was very glad to get off the phone with her in the end. I think it could be a bit awkward between us next time I see her, I am thinking about avoiding her for a while so she can calm down a bit more and come to realise the motives behind my telling her this, and the fact that they were benevolent. Hopefully she will get over it soon...

Monkey61

I can totally understand where the OP is coming from on this one. The main thing being that if the girl isn't blessed in the looks department - I'm sure she knows this already! If she is asking you OP, then she is definitely looking for some reassurance - not a confirmation of her own worst fears.

I think it's easy for people to get worked up over a word like "ugly" which is such a loaded term due to the nature of the world we live in. Some people are unarguably good looking, some people are not. Most people are somewhere in between and their personality tends to swing people's opinion either way and makes them look either better or worse.

It's really only because of the modern world's obsession with looks that everybody gets so riled up. Otherwise it would be fine to say that somebody was "ugly" because it wouldn't be so intrinsically linked to people's senses of self worth and thus so damaging.

Eeep...just saw the above....oh dear.

celticbhoy27

well played op you ask the people of boards what to do in this scenario, 95 per cent of them tell you not to tell her, and in your wisdom you do the opposite!!

coinin_clumhach

Were you really incapable of putting yourself in her shoes? Surely you would be upset if someone said that to you? I can't fathom how you came to the conclusion that this was the right way to go. Unless you're just a troll, which I suspect may be the case...

missyb

I dont believe this is a real thread for one second, the OP is someone having a laugh, there is no way a real person thinks like this, this thread was started by someone just to get a reaction, its hilarious, if it turns out to be real then Im very scared........

JohnGalt

Why is this so unbelievable? No, I am not a troll, if I were going to troll I think I could make up a more humorous situation than this. Claiming I am a troll is not helpful so please desist

coco06

Dont tell her..

coinin_clumhach

If you say you're not a troll then fair enough, it just seems quite unbelievable that someone who claims to be a friend can be so cold to someone who's so obviously feeling vulnerable.

Ugliness is simply not objective, just because you don't find her attractive gives you no right to crush your 'friend's' self esteem, and doesn't mean that no-one finds her attractive. You knew what she needed to hear, and that she needed reassurance and you upset her anyway. As a friend you should be supporting her, not kicking her while she's down.

Can you in all honesty tell me that you wouldn't be upset if someone told you that you were ugly?

Gauge

So what were you hoping the outcome of this to be? Was she supposed to thank you profusely for telling her the truth? What exactly did you hope to achieve by telling your friend who, from the sound of it, is already self-conscious about her appearance, that she is not physically attractive? What possible motive could you have? You've achieved nothing except upsetting your friend.

To be honest I think she is far better off without a 'friend' like you in her life. Yes, there are people who are physically unnattractive. I've yet to come across ANY positive reason why someone would want to actually point this out to them. If she's already self conscious about her appearance you have no idea how much you've knocked her confidence. My heart goes out to her. If someone I considered a friend told me 'You're not physically attractive, but-' I would be utterly devastated. Get a clue, you're completely insensitive and I can't believe anyone would act this way thinking it was the right thing to do.

LegacyUser

JohnGalt wrote: »

A friend of mine is in trouble with her love life. She just broke up with a boy who she has known since she was a child and has never really experienced another relationship because she as been basically in the same one since about 14. She is 21 now. She keeps telling me that she can't meet a new guy, and she asks me if I think she is ugly. I haven't really said anything yet, but I think that he looks might be a factor in her failure to get in contact with any new guys. All my friends know her and she is referred to as an ugly pig, trainwreck or a face like a shotgun suicide, the usual insensitive remarks said behind peoples backs. So my question is, is she better knowing that she is not attractive, or should I say nothing and hope she meets a new guy before I put my foot in it and misinterpret her fishing for compliments and a much needed boosted in self esteem with an actual question requiring a factual answer. Any help would be appreciated.

Maybe she is on another forum asking the same question about you! Do you honestly have to ask is it ok to tell your friend who has just broken up with her boyfriend that she is ugly?! Dude get a grip! Your friends sound like assholes by the way, you should tell them to shut the **** up!

JohnGalt

I messed up okay, I admit it, I was just thinking that it would be a clean break for her, she could start on solid ground with a new, more accurate view of herself based on a solid a understanding that she does not have physical beauty on her side so she should persue other avenues, making sure her other characteristics shine through and she is seen as the beautiful person she is in terms of her personality. The other choice is to be unsure about her looks, sometimes thinking she is good looking, only to be let down with a bang when she, as she inevitably will, sees some evidence to the contrary. My rational was that now at least she might just close the door on the whole idea of her looks, and in doing so avoid a lot of the pain it will cause her if she remains in limbo.

John Mason

JohnGalt wrote: »

Well I weighed it up in my mind and decided that next time she asked me if I thought she was ugly I decided to tell her, and then last night she asked me and I said "Emily, you are not physically attractive, no, but..." I was going to finish the sentence by reminding her of all the other great characteristics she has, but she hung up. She rang me up about twenty five minutes later crying and shouting at me asking me how I could be so insensitive especially knowing that she has just been through a tough breakup. She was really freaking out and I was very glad to get off the phone with her in the end. I think it could be a bit awkward between us next time I see her, I am thinking about avoiding her for a while so she can calm down a bit more and come to realise the motives behind my telling her this, and the fact that they were benevolent. Hopefully she will get over it soon...

Nice, real smooth. Well, at least Emily knows who her real friends are or rather are not and she can move on and find some decent friends

ScumLord

JohnGalt wrote: »

I messed up okay, I admit it, I was just thinking that it would be a clean break for her, she could start on solid ground with a new, more accurate view of herself based on a solid a understanding that she does not have physical beauty on her side so she should persue other avenues, making sure her other characteristics shine through and she is seen as the beautiful person she is in terms of her personality. The other choice is to be unsure about her looks, sometimes thinking she is good looking, only to be let down with a bang when she, as she inevitably will, sees some evidence to the contrary. My rational was that now at least she might just close the door on the whole idea of her looks, and in doing so avoid a lot of the pain it will cause her if she remains in limbo.

I think you'll be the one in limbo when she tells every women you know what a bastard you are. You don't tell women the truth, you tell them what they want to hear. No matter what!

You should really have told her she should have left the old (ugly) her behind, do one of them make overs. That's the polite way to tell a woman she's ugly.

shellyboo

JohnGalt wrote: »

The other choice is to be unsure about her looks, sometimes thinking she is good looking, only to be let down with a bang when she, as she inevitably will, sees some evidence to the contrary. My rational was that now at least she might just close the door on the whole idea of her looks, and in doing so avoid a lot of the pain it will cause her if she remains in limbo.

You really don't have a CLUE about women, do you? If she thought she was good-looking, she wouldn't be asking you if she was ugly. If she was confident in her appearance, she wouldn't be asking you if she was ugly. Why would she need to seek reassurance from you on something she doesn't think about herself to begin with?

Clearly the reason she was asking you is because she DOES think she's ugly and wanted reassurance to the contrary. She wasn't in limbo, as you call it, she was looking for a self-esteem boost from her friend. Instead what you did was take what little self-confidence she has (very, very little by the sounds of things) and then completely obliterate it.

There are situations in which the bare-faced truth is not appropriate, and this is one of them. The reality is, that while she is ugly, that is not going to prevent her from finding someone. Didn't stop her before, it's not going to stop her again. So what point is there in telling her that she's ugly? It serves no purpose. What she needed to hear was that YOU don't think she's ugly (whether this is true or not). What she needed was hope that she will find someone. Now she's thinking, 'well if my friend can't even see past my appearance what hope have I with guys at all?'

Bad, bad, bad move. Really, just awful.

missyb

Im sorry for saying you are a troll,I messed up okay, I admit it,I was just thinking that it would be a clean break for you, you could start on solid ground with a new, more accurate view of youself