Worst/Funniest thing said in bed?

C0SM0

An acquaintance of mine told me a story about how one nite he was in the scratcher with this cracker he had pulled, she had him all worked up and he said he felt like his d**k was as big and as hard as he had ever felt it. then we she pulled down his cacks she took a peek and said
"Aw look, hello little fella!"

He was disgusted..

So question what's the worst or funniest thing said or heard in the scratcher?

Dinter

"Although I know you've just had a heart attack and must remain in this CCU bed, I'm afraid that due to underfunding, laughable resource management and your lack of medical insurance you can go fuk off and lie on that trolley."

Say that ranks up there with the worst.

fullstop

C0SM0 wrote: »

An acquaintance of mine told me a story about how one nite he was in the scratcher with this cracker he had pulled, she had him all worked up and he said he felt like his d**k was as big and as hard as he had ever felt it. then we she pulled down his cacks she took a peek and said
"Aw look, hello little fella!"

He was disgusted..

So question what's the worst or funniest thing said or heard in the scratcher?

An acquaintance you say? Hmm....

C0SM0

Main Entry: ac·quain·tance Pronunciation: Ak-wain-tenceFunction: noun Date: 14th century 1 a: the state of being acquainted b: personal knowledge : familiarity2 a: the persons with whom one is acquainted <should auld acquaintance be forgot — Robert Burns> b: a person whom one knows but who is not a particularly close friend <a casual acquaintance>
— ac·quain·tance·ship

SoWatchaWant

In the girl's house, in her bed.

"You come here often?"

PurpleBerry

C0SM0 wrote: »

An acquaintance of mine told me a story...

Yes, I'm sure he did. That's so weird, a friend of mine told me this story about how one night she went home with this bloke she'd met in a scratcher and things were going really great until she pulled down his cacks and saw he had a pretty small dîck.

I told her she was a dirty skânk and she told me to shut up and that "he coulda been your new daddy" Ew, Mom!

Honey-ec

I didn't actually say anything, but I did once get caught looking at my watch while being "entertained" by this bloke.

Really, after that I don't think any words were necessary...

Puddleduck

'Whos your daddy'

Seriously.

I cracked up laughing

When, in the middle of romantic troughs, you blurt out her mother's name.

shenanigans1982

Sorry I didn't mean to put it there.

chin_grin

shenanigans1982 wrote: »

Sorry I didn't mean to put it there.

That's how babies aren't born. Aw.

peasant

Her, afterwards:

"ceiling could do with a new coat of paint"

RossFixxxed

"How about I'LL be kate and YOU be maddie."

loz

Whats a scratcher ?? - I dont understand Northside too well.

Kold

The expulsions of gas from corpses can really ruin the mood.

AnonoBoy

Once pulled an American bird and had her back in mine - she had come back stating that we could 'have some fun' but I wasn't getting full sex. Fair enough says I, sure there's some craic to a handjob anyways.

In bed after me getting her all worked she looks down under the sheets and says "Too bad Mr. Happy can't come out to play properly!"

I nearly died laughing.

The same girl when sitting on my bed in her underwear asked to see some ID so she could text her flatmate my full name and address as a safety text which I thought was a bit odd. Considering she was already sitting on my bed half undressed it was a bit late for that. (If I was the murderous type that is)

seanybiker

loz wrote: »

Whats a scratcher ?? - I dont understand Northside too well.

Not a notion boy.

00112984

My ex husband once asked me to stand on one leg while he licked the toes of my other foot.

-Love, Heather M. McC.

Danbo!

AnonoBoy wrote: »

In bed after me getting her all worked she looks down under the sheets and says "Too bad Mr. Happy can't come out to play properly!"

So hang on, you couldn't get it up? Or was she a bloke and she couldn't get it up?

RATM

"Coooorrrr, Pheewhh I must have forgotten to put the mackerel I bought earlier into the fridge"

The Master

Obligatory "lob it in there boss" / " you're hurting me lovely" post

AnonoBoy

noblestee wrote: »

So hang on, you couldn't get it up? Or was she a bloke and she couldn't get it up?

Nice try but no. I presume when she said 'come out to play properly' she meant have sex. It was an odd North American turn of phrase I've never heard since and hopefully never will again.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I was in my teens so don't judge me.

I knew this girl from another part of the country, both liked each other a lot but accepted we weren't compatible for a long distance relationship.

We'd meet up a few times of year and have sex if we were single. One time she wasn't single but I was and I was trying to talk her into it. (In my defense she came into the bed *I* was sleeping in as soon as her mum left the house) It seemed to be going nowhere and I'd given up on pestering her, I then jokingly said "we don't have to kiss". She didn't think I was joking.

stovelid

The pink looks like an easy shot, but the brown is a bit tricky.

shotgun mike

stovelid wrote: »

The pink looks like an easy shot, but the brown is a bit tricky.

Best thing you do is flick off the pink to nudge into the brown. All the time avoiding any kiss on a red. god bless snooker.

Wurly

"Mmm, oh yeah Laura - I love you so much".

My name is not Laura.

True story.

milod

Tri wrote: »

"Mmm, oh yeah Laura - I love you so much".

My name is not Laura.

True story.

Even though I'm an atheist, I still stick with "Oh God". Much less specific

Worst thing I've heard? My ex once said:

"Will you for god's sake finish soon, I'm drying up..."

Seriously, I know the old 'drinker's drought' is curse but that just killed the mood :pac:

Wurly

milod wrote: »

Worst thing I've heard? My ex once said:

"Will you for god's sake finish soon, I'm drying up..."

Ha ha - that's awful. :pac::pac:

Wonder why she's an ex.... She sounds like she's certainly got a way with words anyway.;)

homerun_homer

Her - "Did you mean what you said earlier?" (during the heat of the moment)
Me *Confused, thinking hard about what I said* "Yes"
Her - "I love you too"

Me - *Yikes*

Black Swan

Pillow?

pallepille

An egg an a chicken are in bed, the egg sitting up looking well satisfied takes a long puff off a cigarette. The chicken however looking none to pleased grabs the covers and turns over in disgust................................................I guess that answers that question !!!

Homer

Me : "This is only going to work if you don't talk"

---

or...

"You dont have toys? How bout a hairbrush? No, No, not for you, for me! OH NOOOO Not that end! OOOOOOH NOOOO!" :eek:

chillywilly

me and my mate are always havin a laugh together, he told me that during sex he shouts out his girlfriends dads name just for the craic.....i thought this was gas so a couple of weks ago when the girlfriend and i were messing around but we were in a very giddy mood, anyway we got down to business and i couldnt resist it......i called out her dads name and i got a swift slap across the face! I couldnt stop laughing, but my girlfriend being the legend that she is, called out my mothers name in a cunning retaliation! we were both in stitches!

Hellm0

If I had to pick one, and there are many, of the special thing's my many conquests have uttered to me in pre/mid/post coital gratitude it would be this; "That'll be 50 euro please".

Dinter

"Y'know with the amount of women who've vanished under the floor of my basement in the last year or so, I'm amazed women like yourself still feel comfortable going home with someone they just met."

Gary ITR

I once said

'fcuk this, I'm going home. I'll do it meself'

I had a severe case of brewers drought

Pighead

Pighead's usually legendary bedroom behaviour let him down once a while back after a marathon day of sweaty lovemaking.

The lady was just about to initiate round 8 when a tactless Pighead said "Listen babes, don't mean to be funny but we've been in here seven hours now. PearTree House and Personal Issues aren't going to moderate themselves you know"

Kashkai

Nice girl from Kerry once said to me, just as we were about to get down to business:

"Come on in, the door's open, you're welcome to visit"

WTF, I didn't know if she was just inviting me round for tea or if I should be looking over my shoulder for her hairy faced boyfriend to join the party! :eek:

pierrot

'Man, I don't believe you can't get a boner, what the ****'.
Didn't stop me trying (and failing) 3 more times. Had to make a new rule for myself, one attempt and thats it, it doesn't get any less embarrassing the more times it happens

Hellm0

Pighead wrote: »

Pighead's usually legendary bedroom behaviour let him down once a while back after a marathon day of sweaty lovemaking.

The lady was just about to initiate round 8 when a tactless Pighead said "Listen babes, don't mean to be funny but we've been in here seven hours now. PearTree House and Personal Issues aren't going to moderate themselves you know"

Oh ho ho!

SheroN

"Get off me daddy"

Kashkai

SheroN wrote: »

"Get off me daddy"

I certainly hope that was you telling your mother to get off your Daddy

BillyGoatGruff

SheroN wrote: »

"Get off me daddy"

How's Mr Burges.

Kablam

Is it in yet?:eek:

Raytown Rocks

Chinese chick I was banging kept shouting " pang ya, pang ya"

How was I to know that meant wrong hole.......

Berty

stovelid wrote: »

The pink looks like an easy shot, but the brown is a bit sticky.

Fixed that for you.

Wompa1

My g/f and I were going out and my housemate had an exam the next morning. He asked me if I was still up at 4 to wake him up so he could study. 4am came and myself and the lady friend were going at it and she said were'nt you suppose to wake **** up....I said "You were thinking about **** too?"

ejmaztec

No it's not a leak in the water-bed, just my incontinence rearing its ugly head. :eek:

twentysomething

"Mr Happy wants it"
I should've gotten an oscar for preventing myself from laughing!

Berty

Rolling over in the morning and seeing her and saying "how much did I drink last night" and then thinking "did I just say that out loud". "Is she awake, did she hear that?". "Who gives a **** anyway, she's kicked!"

Nehaxak

"Aw jaysus, that's fkin tight, aw yeah"
"You should've told me you wanted in there, I would've washed my arse. I have a dose of the runs you know..."

...

"Have you come already ? Why have you gone all soft, what's wrong ?"