Worst/Funniest thing said in bed?

paul larry

in a random bed...girl leaves for work....her mate comes in and invites me into her bed....i oblige!!!
"did u f**K my friend last night?"
"no, i just kissed her, honest"
"Ah cool, ya like ray d'arcy?"
"Yea he's not bad"
couldnt see where this was going until....
"wanna take my knickers off"
score haha had a good time till a mate rang, and she whispers "just finish off there and take that call if ya like!!!!!!!!!!":D

madmik

shotgun mike wrote: »

Best thing you do is flick off the pink to nudge into the brown. All the time avoiding any kiss on a red. god bless snooker.

take the easy red,then go down for the pink with plenty of pace so you can bring the brown into play

madmik

darling.x wrote: »

I once said to an ex: 'you're sticking it up the wrong hole'. He found it funny. I did not find it funny. He was trying to stick it up the wrong hole and i didn't like it.

theres a wrong hole??

i thought......

Raze_them_all

Said it to my best mates sister "See the advantages of having a baby brother?" In my defence i was very fvcking drunk!

ArseBurger

brianthebard wrote: »

Why'd you laugh? legless girls need lovin' too. Although legs are one of the sexiest parts...

Not if they're hanging up in the wardrobe.

S.I.R

Well.... Everyone looks funny naked.


Do you take credit card ??

mid way through sex - Whats on t.v... Wheres the remote

GiftofGab

Every guy hates to hear girls use those horrible four letter words like "can't" "won't" "don't" and "stop"

MizzLolly

GiftofGab wrote: »

Every guy hates to hear girls use those horrible four letter words like "can't" "won't" "don't" and "stop"

Oppps :pac:

Br4tPr1nc3

"you get that into ya!"

MizzLolly

''You nearly finished?''

bad2theboneB

Afterwards - "So do i pay you or what? If i give you a euro do you have change?"

Blazer

Septic Leper wrote: »

My mate was in bed with this bird he pulled in a nightclub and she asked him could she take her legs off ,they were prosthetic.I laughed for weeks
he still gave her a roide!!!:D

Oh god :eek:

I'd have fcuking legged it :pac: or else said "no prob love..I've 3 of them here and one's for you :cool:

Chucky the tree

SheroN wrote: »

"Get off me daddy"

Could of been worse, you could of said..

SheroN wrote: »

"Get me off daddy"

PaulByrne'sBald

last year on a night on the town i ended up meeting a nurse... Went back to mine and we got down to business however i had neglected to ask the young lady her name, she told me she wasn't to impressed yet allowed the matter slide...
again after some fooling around in my stupidity and inability to have a one night stand without forming some connection to ease the upcoming awkwardness i blurted out 'we should do this again some time ehh, hmm...'
'you've forgotten my name again haven't you' '
i, eh, well...'
needless to say i didnt get a go at a third guess... Rumpelstilskin maybe?
thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, door slam...
bed to myself and the discovery of how to seal the deal without having to help her find her clothes in the morning

samhail

i said i love you after my first time.
i was like no no no im sorry !

Redrocket

the scratcher? you infested or something?

Capt'n Midnight

loz wrote: »

Whats a scratcher ?? - I dont understand Northside too well.

Dates from an earlier age when the scratcher was "infested be hoppers"

dotsman

madmik wrote: »

theres a wrong hole??

i thought......

The nostrils. If yours can fit up there comfortably, then there's definitely something wrong.

DanGerMus

dotsman wrote: »

The nostrils. If yours can fit up there comfortably, then there's definitely something wrong.

Yeah you're haeving sex with a horse!

Slidey

I was with a bird one night, "horseing it into to her" so to speak...

In the middle of it she shouts out "paint me insides white"

Nearly fell out of the bed laughin!

lallybaby

paul larry wrote: »

in a random bed...girl leaves for work....her mate comes in and invites me into her bed....i oblige!!!
"did u f**K my friend last night?"
"no, i just kissed her, honest"
"Ah cool, ya like ray d'arcy?"
"Yea he's not bad"
couldnt see where this was going until....
"wanna take my knickers off"
score haha had a good time till a mate rang, and she whispers "just finish off there and take that call if ya like!!!!!!!!!!":D

Bout 2 get hot'n' heavy wid my new boyf;) n i say "hav u got sumthin?"
to which he replies "course i do"......all chuffd he rememberd
so he reaches accross me 2 grab his wallet,containing sed "thing" n wen he opns it, a pic of his ex grlfriend falls out n lands on my stomach:eek:........
d mood was ruined cos we both fell about laffing:D
didnt hold it against him tho:p

Numina

lallybaby wrote: »

Bout 2 get hot'n' heavy wid my new boyf;) n i say "hav u got sumthin?"
to which he replies "course i do"......all chuffd he rememberd
so he reaches accross me 2 grab his wallet,containing sed "thing" n wen he opns it, a pic of his ex grlfriend falls out n lands on my stomach:eek:........
d mood was ruined cos we both fell about laffing:D
didnt hold it against him tho:p

In English, please.

Professey Chin

lallybaby wrote: »

Bout 2 get hot'n' heavy wid my new boyf;) n i say "hav u got sumthin?"
to which he replies "course i do"......all chuffd he rememberd
so he reaches accross me 2 grab his wallet,containing sed "thing" n wen he opns it, a pic of his ex grlfriend falls out n lands on my stomach:eek:........
d mood was ruined cos we both fell about laffing:D
didnt hold it against him tho:p

His thoughts

Act like its funny now so you get away with it.Start laughing.
She bought it. Now its innocent with your ex.
Finish up here.Go home.Look at pic again. Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap-Fap

:pac:

MadelineNYC

The first time a former boyfriend and I did The Deed:

We had already ripped off each other's clothing, were rolling around the bed naked while groping each other, mad, passionate kissing, heavy breathing, hands everywhere etc etc etc..you get the idea. Then he asked in a very matter-of-fact voice:

"Do you want to have sex?"

Ummmm...? Ya think??

Hank Scorpio

Pighead wrote: »

Pighead's usually legendary bedroom behaviour let him down once a while back after a marathon day of sweaty lovemaking.

The lady was just about to initiate round 8 when a tactless Pighead said "Listen babes, don't mean to be funny but we've been in here seven hours now. PearTree House and Personal Issues aren't going to moderate themselves you know"

yawn

Pen1987

"Paul? Dave? Ian?... Mary?.......... Ah ****..."

That came after she asked me what her name was as we lay on the leaba before the deed. I was joking and trying to buy some time. She soon booted me out, heartbreak, she was gorgeous.

The lads were dying laughing when I told them the next morning, one of them was like "YOU IDIOT, her name was "NAME"... I was chatting her up before you and got no where" hahaha...

CMpunked

Best i heard was:

"Aw you smell just like my mother!"
Instant killer right there for everyone involved.

Or the guy, rolling around with the missus lets out:

"I was right, you've definitely gotten a little thicker"

:pac:

Daisy Dweller

"Horsing it into her"?? "Do ya want to take me knickers off"???
Ok - Maybe I'm just a bit of a romantic........:p

A bloke I know met this luverly lady in a nightclub...she proceeded to invite him home........which was a caravan....in a carpark....he came out of the facility to find her sittin on the bed......nekkid from the waste down....legs akimbo....and when she seen him...smiled seductively and said...."Harseitintameboss".......:eek:

Needless to say his night ended pretty much there poor lamb.....

Professey Chin

Lies. Thats an ancient story:pac:

Motley Crue

I farted in bed before, during sex, while I've been on top and inside her....at least she laughed

Motley Crue

Daisy Dweller wrote: »

"Harseitintameboss".......:eek:...

OMG Brilliant

spinandscribble

slideways wrote: »

I was with a bird one night, "horseing it into to her" so to speak...

In the middle of it she shouts out "paint me insides white"

Nearly fell out of the bed laughin!

i just peed a little laughing at that

staker

i asked a bird one time just to make a sheep noise while i was riding her.
she obliged,i still laugh at her little baaaas.
i rode a sheep:eek:

minidazzler

staker wrote: »

i asked a bird one time just to make a sheep noise while i was riding her.
she obliged,i still laugh at her little baaaas.
i rode a sheep:eek:

Why did you ask a girl to do that???

On the flip side, I was ridin' a sheep and asked it to speak like a person, it didn't...

staker

i wanted to live out a fantasy:o
i'm jealous:mad:

zig

while travelling, I had the pleasure of waking up in a hostel in the same room as an english couple shagging, when he finished he said in his manchester accent "your still not a patch on me mates" . Needless to say there was war between the two afterwards. Brilliant.

Professey Chin

zig wrote: »

while travelling, I had the pleasure of waking up in a hostel in the same room as an english couple shagging, when he finished he said in his manchester accent "your still not a patch on me mates" . Needless to say there was war between the two afterwards. Brilliant.

Did you check if he was right?:pac:

stevelknievel

A mate of mine went home with a bird and just as he started to go down on her she said "None of that fancy stuff. Just lob it into me". Classy!

Professey Chin

stevelknievel wrote: »

A mate of mine went home with a bird and just as he started to go down on her she said "None of that fancy stuff. Just lob it into me". Classy!

Also an old fake urban myth:pac:

Wibbs

Fake urban myth maybe, but I've heard similar in the flesh as it were. Along the lines of forget about that and just do me. I am a stud though with rather a large wang. So maybe that's it.

Professey Chin

Wibbs wrote: »

Fake urban myth maybe, but I've heard similar in the flesh as it were. Along the lines of forget about that and just do me. I am a stud though with rather a large wang. So maybe that's it.

As have I but that quote is far to specific to be anything else

wylo

stevelknievel wrote: »

A mate of mine went home with a bird and just as he started to go down on her she said "None of that fancy stuff. Just lob it into me". Classy!

heard that one many a time, and I always thought there was "boss" at the end of it.

Professey Chin

wylo wrote: »

heard that one many a time, and I always thought there was "boss" at the end of it.

There is when people use the traveller version

copperfacegaz

was once in the sack with a cork bird and in the heat of the moment she states and i quote ..... ill have it comin outta ya like buttermilk boy !!!!! ,,, think i nearly fell off de bed laughin !

Libertine2002

All I'll say is the worst name to call out durin sex is not your ex's, or her sister's.. it's your own. Apparently women don't like an over-inflated ego. Who knew?

"Is it in?"

"Yea, oh I'm nearly there"

"Are u sure it's in?"


Ouch!! :pac:

Pompey Magnus

During foreplay, me doing all my best moves and she comes out with: "You know, I was just thinking that we can still collect (Tesco) clubcard points for your mum while we wait for our card to arrive"

Two things I never particularly want to hear during foreplay is references about Tesco or my mother. I was not impressed and judging by her comments neither was she .

Professey Chin

"I know youre nervous but that still doesnt make up for you being sh!t"

Cows lucky there wasnt a lump hammer nearby :mad:

chef

chef wrote: »

Chinese chick I was banging kept shouting " pang ya, pang ya"

How was I to know that meant wrong hole.......

Lucky sod,i've always fancied banging an Asian babe!

ThunderCat

trying to persuade my misses to have a quicky (arnt they all) and she says "we don't have time". I said to her "ill bet you a tenner ill be done within 3 minuites". She took me up on the bet, so anyways we were hard at it and just as i came i shouted "stop the clock". We were both in knots laughing. I won the bet, but i dont think thats such a good thing.