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My Song

  • 23-11-2008 10:10pm
    #1
    anita.cathider
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12 ✭


    C&C welcome - Copyright 2008 Anita Cathider.

    I'm lonely, and to think of you....
    Makes me want to think of things that hurt me through
    My life, is semingly meaningless
    I want to be happy, but without you I'm a mess

    Chorus:

    I hate this feeling.....
    I want to love you.....
    My nights are aching....
    For you to love me true....

    Verse 2

    I've got a sense, that you do not feel,
    The things I do, when I see your face.
    You are so tight, and that makes me mad.
    MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD!!

    Chorus

    I hate this feeling.....
    I want to love you.....
    My nights are aching....
    For you to love me true....


    ********************
    This is not my first song, but is one I like. The second verse is not great I know.. but I like it.

    Have some chords and a basic melody....again not great.

    Thoughts and C&C welcome.

    A


Comments

  • #2
    humberklog
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 10,581 Mod ✭✭✭✭humberklog


    Are you nuts?!...2nd verse is best. love the mad,mad,mad bit. Stick up a few chords?


    Try and give a bit of C+C out yourself on other's works as this forum is very lopsisded in those looking as opposed to those receiving and the odder thing is that it's the same people looking for what they're not giving.
    Go on sister...fling a few chords up and throw an opinion on someone elses attempts. You'll love yourself for it.


  • #3
    Mateivena
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭Mateivena


    Hi anita..well im not an expert or anything but i'll tell you what I think!
    I like it for its simplicity..its easy to relate to.
    I like the mad bit too..it reminds me of the Kelis song where she screams I hate you so much right now..it's kinda funny and has that crazy feeling that goes hand in hand with love!
    I don't like the last line in the chorus I don't know why maybe I don't tink anyone one wishes someone to love them true??
    That's all I can think of right now!!:)


  • #4
    Burial
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 817 ✭✭✭Burial


    I'm usually the negative one of the people here and I have to say it's good. It wouldn't be my favourite lyrics, but it's good. (lol! Sounds like something from x-factor) I do have some critisisms. (I think it's better to get critisism than praise, especially in the developing stage)

    "My life, is seemingly meaningless" --- It's too long, though it's highlighting this line, more so then the rest of the verse. I'd try to make it subtly long though, if that makes sense...

    "You are so tight, and that makes me mad.
    MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD!!"

    "You are so tight" I don't like that line. It's just off-putting and not in the example above, kinda way...

    I don't like the MAD, MAD, MAD part now, though honestly, I can see how I'd like it. Just in the written form it's just off-putting.

    That's all I have on it really...


  • #5
    reunion
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,334 ✭✭✭reunion


    anita.cathider wrote: »
    C&C welcome - Copyright 2008 Anita Cathider.

    My life, is semingly meaningless


    Maybe it could be shortened to "My life, meaningless" ? i dunno sounds better to me, tho im imagining it with a kind of guitar background. and that part kindof being said with the guitar kinda stops momentarily.

    Also the first seems like it should be written as

    I'm lonely, and to think of you....
    Makes me want to think of things that hurt me through my life,
    is semingly meaningless, I want to be happy
    but without you I'm a mess

    maybe it could be instead

    I'm lonely, and to think of you....
    Makes me think of things that hurt me too.
    I want to be happy,
    but without you, my life's a mess


    "I hate this feeling.....
    I want to love you.....
    My nights are aching....
    For you to love me true...."

    I hate this feeling.....
    I want to love you.....
    My nights are cold,
    waiting    ....
    For you to love me too....

    i think for you to love me too would be better way to finish it off, cause you would be able to emphasise the too, allowing for an intro to a verse or an instrumental.

    "I've got a sense, that you do not feel, the things I do, when I see your face.
    You are so tight.
    That makes me mad.
    MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD!!"

    i don't like this verse at all, seems like your trying to get people to remember the excessive mad, doesn't seem like something i want stuck in my head. You are so tight, can you explain that line? its kind of confusing your talking about your emotions felt when you see his face to you are so tight?


    I'm lonely, and to think of you....
    Makes me think of things that hurt me too.
    I want to be happy,
    but without you, my life's a mess

    I hate this feeling.....
    I want to love you.....
    My nights are cold,
    waiting    ....
    For you (pause) to love me (hold the me) too....

    I've got a sense, that you do not feel, The things I do, when I see your (only slightly tho) face.
    You are so tight.
    That makes me,
    MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD!!

    I hate this feeling.....
    I want to love you.....
    My nights are cold,
    waiting    ....
    For you (pause) to love me (hold the me) too....


    im sorry im critising and gave like no positive feedback, but i have my version of this song in my head as i read it, (accustic guitar, some parts sang, the italics just spoken normally, bold are the changes iv made, underlined is emphasised)


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