Babies bonding with Dads?

Trinity

I'm wondering if the Dads in here are close to their babies? How much time do you spend with them?

My son has very little time for his father. In fact only last night he was screaming for mama when i gave him to his Dad. Hes a little user now of course if he thinks daddy will walk him around he will gladly go off hand in hand, but thats only if i refuse first! Hes 13 months btw.

I raised my first son alone so i am used to being a single parent but i am not sure if this is normal.

I find it rather upsetting and currently having words with the OH over his working arrangements.

Dont get me wrong in this current climate i am most grateful that he has a job, but hes just told me he has to work 8 days in a row, thats 12 hour shifts. Hes gone from 6.30am - 7.30 pm therefore only seeing baby an hour a night.

Its not always this hectic in work and generally he would only have to do 4 or 5 shifts in a row. However i am slightly pee'd off that this 8 day stint means not only will both he and I be wrecked but he will be spending 96 hours in work, 8 hours travelling and only 8 hours with his son over an 8 day period.

I've asked him to break up the shifts even one day break and hes come back saying it means we can forget my birthday. So i had to say ok forget my birthday, work it so he can take a day off in between. He says i'm nagging, but hes the only one in his job with kids.

Am i right in thinking this is why the baby doesnt bother with him?

I know i shouldnt complain we have food on the table but its not exactly work life balance at its best.

Latchy

It might be a strong indication as to why baby doesnt bond with him as he has with you . If the 8 hrs dad spends with baby is good quality time then baby will get to see that this is something to look foreward to . In my own expierence babys go through stages were they want to be with mum all the time ,then dad ,then mum again but of course if dad is out ,or away working all the time then it wil be slightly harder .Children are very good at adapting over a period to.

littlebug

That's tough working hours alright Trinity. But I do think they all go through phases when they're pretty much stuck to one parent and I think little boys especially become pretty much glued to their mothers at that age. My other half would have worked less hours than yours and would have seen them for an hour in the morning, home by 7 and had all weekend with them and still my boy never left my side. My daughter on the other hand went through a phase where she was glued to her daddy and I was pretty much invisible.

I would say for the sake of work life balance it would be good for you all if the hours were easier but don't be worried or disappointed if it doesn't make much difference with your son for now. It is a normal phase IMO.:)

pgroarke

How much time ?
Some days every waking minute of her day that my child is not in the creche.

A couple of comments
- A key penny to drop for this guy is that these times will never come back again.
Your son will be independent soon and then it will be too late.
If he has a choice then work Vs TV Vs child is no brainer.

- Maybe he doesn't have a choice which is tragic, but if he does, the natural thing is to look forward to spending time with him. In other words he should be selfishly looking forward to spending time with him because it is enjoyable.

I should add the rider that it is a completely different dynamic if you or another sibling are there with them.
3 is not the same as 2.

Sleepy

As a Dad in almost exactly the same relationship dynamic - my partner stays at home and has a little boy from before me (who I'm a 'Nonah' to as he already has a daddy), I can sympathise with your other half in this situation.

I don't do shift-work like your partner, instead I have work-related travel and often I really don't want to do it but it's a condition of my employment and most of us are afraid to rock the boat in the current climate. I'd wager he's getting a little snappy with you about it because he feels caught and if there's one thing us blokes hate, it's feeling powerless to fix something we know is wrong.

Try not to be confrontational about this, he may genuinely feel that he has to meet whatever demands work place on him in order to provide for his family.

Trinity

Thanks guys i feel a little better now.

In regards to quality time yes its improving, i had to address that with him several times. the baby is now walking and has a fiery personality so he is able to play with him now. He has no children in his family and an only child so nil experience with kids, particularly babies.

He has brought him for a walk once in 13 months to the corner shop, and that was cos he was told to. It makes me sad to see the other dads out with their kids but again with his job and other responsibilties we have, quality time is a luxury. He does help with shopping etc so his argument is that i always keep him busy on his days off so i guess its a valid one.

Well according to him he has no choice in the matter and in fairness he has a few days off before this 8 day stint starts.

This is my first time having a partner to shoulder the responsibility with and i'm feeling a little hard done by, its not a whole lot different to be being a single parent!!

In my experience and trust me this is not across the board but personal experience, as a mother i wouldnt hesitate to take a day off for my kids. If they were sick, i dont go to work, but i do find men to be quite different. Or maybe i am just not that conscientious about work

But i know who comes first and that will never change. Like if he goes out, there is no "do you mind watching the kids" cos it goes without saying, yet when i go out once a year he is "babysitting"

Yes i am there with the kids at the moment but i will be going back to work possibly in the next few weeks so it is a bit of a worry.

Sleepy i think hes the same as you not wanting to rock the boat although he has said to his boss its too much and his boss agreed but nothing was done to fix it. The rest of the guys are doing the same although they have no kids and whatever way its working out hes only working 5 days in the week but the previous week runs into the next and thats why its 8 days if that makes sense!

And yes he is very snappy with me, in fact hes decided not to give me a lift to my appointment with the chief medical officer tomorrow cos i'm a moan

But thanks for the replies everyone.

Sleepy

Trinity1 wrote: »

In my experience and trust me this is not across the board but personal experience, as a mother i wouldnt hesitate to take a day off for my kids. If they were sick, i dont go to work, but i do find men to be quite different. Or maybe i am just not that conscientious about work

As the sole earner I have to be conscientious about my job because if I lose it, we're sunk. Perhaps he feels similar?

stovelid

I don't currently get as much time as I'd like with my 5 month old son. I work 930-6. Leave the house at 845 and return at 7. I get up between 7-730 as to see him for an hour in the morning, and see him for about a half-hour to hour most evenings. I try to get quality time at the weekends too.

Unless they live very close to work, I don't see how most full time working dads could see their kids as much as they want to. It's not ideal, and I dread going in the mornings sometimes, but you have a lifetime to become close to your son.

Poverty would have a far worse effect on your boy's life, and at least his dad is committed to helping provide for him. A lot of boys grow up without a dad at all.

Latchy

Trinity1 wrote: »

Thanks guys i feel a little better now.

In regards to quality time yes its improving, i had to address that with him several times. the baby is now walking and has a fiery personality so he is able to play with him now. He has no children in his family and an only child so nil experience with kids, particularly babies.

He has brought him for a walk once in 13 months to the corner shop, and that was cos he was told to. It makes me sad to see the other dads out with their kids but again with his job and other responsibilties we have, quality time is a luxury. He does help with shopping etc so his argument is that i always keep him busy on his days off so i guess its a valid one.

Not being judgemental or critical OP but taking him to the shops once in 13 months cos he was told to is poor .Seems he is not really a hands on father but his long working hrs wont + his only childhood situation wont have helped .But he may make up for it in other ways i'm sure .

Trinity

latchyco wrote: »

Not being judgemental or critical OP but taking him to the shops once in 13 months cos he was told to is poor .Seems he is not really a hands on father but his long working hrs wont + his only childhood situation wont have helped .But he may make up for it in other ways i'm sure .

Yes thats what i mean. It would never occur to him to take the baby for a walk or anything, i am the one constantly aware that he needs stimulation etc.

Sleepy tbh he is quite confident in work, cocky even. Hes with them 8 years. Its the type of company that if you act the eejit they place you elsewhere as opposed to firing you. I also have an income but we wouldnt manage on one alone.

Stovelid i understand that exactly. Hes gone beofre baby wakes up so its literally an hour per evening and days off which is fine, he has to work but this 8 days in a row is bugging me. My 8 yr old grew up without a father so i know what you mean. But i didnt ask him to take the day off just to try to swap even one day to break the week.

I know there is a huge divide between the sexes when it comes to whats harder, staying at home or out to work. And selfish as it sounds i need him to help out. Its damn hard work with 2 kids. Even taking a shower has to be planned in advance when your on your own and there is no such thing as nipping out to the shops for a second. Its coats buggys car seats etc.

I dont ask him to do much with the baby. Just like watch him til i mop the floors or something so he has very little responsibility when it comes to the kids. He has lately started to play with the baby for a few minutes when he comes home so i am very pleased about that.

Hes only ever looked after the baby a few times but tbh i'd rather not ask him. Twice the baby was caked in ****e up his back he hadnt changed his nappy or given him his tea i was livid so i dont really ask anymore.

metrovelvet

How long is the 8 day a week stint going to last? One walk in 13 months is pathetic. I can see and appreciate what Sleepy is saying but I would raise my suspicions a little.

There are dad out there who use work as an excuse to avoid the domestic chaos that comes with a new baby.

At this rate, no he wont bond with the baby, and the danger is that one day the child will see this man, not as his father but as an interloper, and then you have trouble on your hands.

In a way you are a single parent all over again.

Nevyn

Some men just do not bond with the babys at all until they are at toddler age and can really be played it and interacted it.

Trinity

metrovelvet wrote: »

How long is the 8 day a week stint going to last? One walk in 13 months is pathetic. I can see and appreciate what Sleepy is saying but I would raise my suspicions a little.

There are dad out there who use work as an excuse to avoid the domestic chaos that comes with a new baby.

At this rate, no he wont bond with the baby, and the danger is that one day the child will see this man, not as his father but as an interloper, and then you have trouble on your hands.

In a way you are a single parent all over again.

Well its apparently a one off but its happened a few times. He is good though i cant take that away from him that he comes places with me on his days off, runs errands cos i had problems with anxiety for a long time but i am getting better now thats why i am going back to work.

Hes just not hands on, he hasnt a clue to be honest but i think after 13 months he should have a better idea whats involved in bringing up baby?

He has improved though i must say.

Trinity

Thaedydal wrote: »

Some men just do not bond with the babys at all until they are at toddler age and can really be played it and interacted it.

Thats what i have been told and again there has been an improvement since baby started walking (almost!).

Trinity

Christ on a bike hes right i am a moan. I dont know what i've become since i had the baby. Even looking at my other posts in other threads its all moans and groans

metrovelvet

It's the sleep deprivation. Cut yourself some slack.

I think babies can make new dads feel inept, and as far as I can see , that ineptitude is a feeling men really really hate. But what they forget, is that the new mommies also feel inept, [well, at least I did, do] but have to jump in feet first anyhow, and it seems really unfair.

Perhaps what you could do, is assign all the non baby related tasks to him, to free you up a bit.

I had no one to mind my child while I showered either, so I got a playpen. I had no time to assemble a cot, which lay in a box for months and months, so I had to hire someone else to put it together.

I couldnt get a haircut because I had no one to take the baby, so I brought him with me to the hairdresser, even if that meant having to leave early with a wet head because the sound of the hairdrier terrified him.

My point is twofold, one is not to let yourself be fooled into thinking you are dependent on him to get through your life. Of course he should do more, but he isnt going to, that is evident.

Of course he has no bond with his father, that is only done through time. Your partner has to realise this, that kids understand love through time. And it will affect a future relationship if he doesn't step up a bit more. But considering how he left the child with a filthy nappy,and didnt feed him, sounds like he is going to be passive agressive to the point the child is compromised when in his care. I wouldn't trust your partner with my baby, that is for sure.

Ludo

Personally when we found out we were expecting, we sold our house in Bray immediately (got damn lucky) and moved back to Cork and got a job in a company with excellent flexitime. Now I leave at 6.40 in the morning so don't see them then (although I have generally seen them during the night ), but I get home by 4 every day so I get to see them for 3/4 hours every evening and all weekend which is excellent. If I was still working in Dublin, I would never get to see them because of the commuting time.
I got damn lucky though that everything worked out like it did!

But, even though I am so close to them I still find it very hard at times to deal with them. As someone else says, maybe it is just something about men that we find it easier to bond when they are more "interactive". Even after a year I still get frustrated at crying and whinging as I haven't a clue what they want most of the time. I can fully understand the working a lot mentality to avoid home though...have done it myself on a couple of occasions after a few bad days.

Trinity

Its not that i dont trust him but i would certainly be nervous. Nothing would be done out of badness. The time he didnt change his nappy i asked what he was doing and he was taking photos of him. So its not neglect just stupidity.

He'd never changed a nappy til our son was born

I understand the avoidance thing. I guess women just dont have that luxury. Some days I am overwhelmed by the responsibilty tbh.

Nevyn

Dads nearly need to be left to fend for themselves with the kids for a weekend to see how tought it is.

It's only the last two years that i can go away for the day and come back and the house not be destroyed and the kids have been feed and looked after properly and mine are now 10 and 8.

Trinity

Thaedydal wrote: »

Dads nearly need to be left to fend for themselves with the kids for a weekend to see how tought it is.

It's only the last two years that i can go away for the day and come back and the house not be destroyed and the kids have been feed and looked after properly and mine are now 10 and 8.

Cool. Only 7 years to go!

When he first started changing the nappies he was gagging all over the place. He then came up with the idea to get a nappy bag, put one handle over each ear and cover his face with it like a surgeons mask.

Hes not a bad person and i know he loves the baby. I try to drill it into his head, the basic needs, keep him safe and warm, feed him and change his nappy. I will leave written instructions in future.

I'm going to my appointment in the morning and he wont bring me so i have to leave the baby with him and i am ****ting one. I've always been over protective anyway and nervous about my kids but How do you tell a dad you dont trust them with their own kid?

deisemum

Trinity1 wrote: »

Hes not a bad person and i know he loves the baby. I try to drill it into his head, the basic needs, keep him safe and warm, feed him and change his nappy. I will leave written instructions in future.

I'm going to my appointment in the morning and he wont bring me so i have to leave the baby with him and i am ****ting one. I've always been over protective anyway and nervous about my kids but How do you tell a dad you dont trust them with their own kid?

I think some new mums bring a lot of this sort of thing upon themselves. Once new baby arrives home the mum tends to do most of it because no one else will do it as well as she does so the new dad is not getting as much of a chance to get the hands on experience or to gain the same confidence.

Also while on maternity leave the mum has more time to get used to the baby and learn it's ways etc while dad is at work. Truth be told it's often quicker for the mum to do something that having to explain in detail what has to be done so patterns can be set.

When my older boy was 22 months and I was 6 months pregnant with my 2nd lad my husband got a job that was only meant to take him some other side of the country the odd night but it soon became the case that he was away from early Monday morning and not back until late Friday night every week. This lasted for 2 years until I gave him an ultimatium.

Even though my husband was gone most of the time our boys would be excited to see him. I would occasionally introduce them to him if I was being sarky

I also think that once children are better able to "do" something and interact better that some dads start to get more involved. Toddlers are very good at playing one parent off against the other and they do go through phases of favouring one parent over the other.

Our boys are now 13 and 11 and they have a great relationship with their dad. They do so much together and I can sometimes feel outnumbered

CDfm

You poor pet.

Mum knows best and all that - its only probably right he cant get a look in with all the things he does wrong.

Pack him off to work where he can do no harm to home and baby.

Personnally I wouldnt get a puppy either - he would probably mess that up too.

He doesnt know how easy he has it.

He is lucky to have you- you are so supportive:rolleyes:

metrovelvet

Trinity1 wrote: »

Cool. Only 7 years to go!

When he first started changing the nappies he was gagging all over the place. He then came up with the idea to get a nappy bag, put one handle over each ear and cover his face with it like a surgeons mask.

Hes not a bad person and i know he loves the baby. I try to drill it into his head, the basic needs, keep him safe and warm, feed him and change his nappy. I will leave written instructions in future.

I'm going to my appointment in the morning and he wont bring me so i have to leave the baby with him and i am ****ting one. I've always been over protective anyway and nervous about my kids but How do you tell a dad you dont trust them with their own kid?

Did you get written instructions from the hospital? I sure as hell didn't and I never changed a nappy either before my own son. Leave him to it, it's the only way he will learn. Tell him when he sees **** on the baby's back its time to change the nappy [sarcastic]. Tell him, when the baby cries, it it is probably hungry, wet, or in pain. Leave the phone number of the local GP and hospital. If he haas any problems tell him to call his mother. I know what you mean about the trust thing, Id rather leave my son with a pack of wild dogs.

Why do you have to leave the baby with him because he wont bring you to the appointment? Can you bring the baby with you?

Davidth88

Hi,

A Dad's point of view here.

OP you mention you already had a child(ren) that you were raising.

Is he feeling intimidated because you ' always know best ' ?, or you did it this way before this is the way it should be done ?

Although it's prob too late try not to fall into a cycle of picking him up on small things like he didn't chose the right clothes to wear/didn't brush his hair right , this can drip feed to the point where the father will say ' sod that do it yourself ' , this may not be said but just start to happen

As far as the work is concerned those working hours seem excessive to me, is he using work as an excuse to get out of the house ? Is he worried about money ?

So the child is now well over 1 year , the cycle is ingrained , it's going to be difficult to break TBH.

As a father , I was pretty shocked when you said the child was left in soiled nappies , had he noticed ? ( I would have thought the smell was obvious ) , but sometimes my wife would pick up on things faster than me.

Reading all your posts , I am saddened , I certainly have really enjoyed having my daughter for the last 2.5 years , when she was very small I used to chase my wife out of the house to
a) give her a break .
b) have QUALITY time with the little one.

Good luck in the future , I hope things work out for all of you.

CDfm

Thaedydal wrote: »

Dads nearly need to be left to fend for themselves with the kids for a weekend to see how tought it is.

It's only the last two years that i can go away for the day and come back and the house not be destroyed and the kids have been feed and looked after properly and mine are now 10 and 8.

bet its not how you would do it.

i had different experiences and from anyones perspective it was not nice- stuff like that can kill of your confidence.

a divorce later i have loooked after kids mine and others sleepovers etc and my kids are now 18 and 15

my 15yo girl comes to me with problems and we do clothes shopping like anything

you need to cut him some slack - he may need to spend time with you and you seem to be putting kids before everything

maybe thats an idea

88show

Trinity1 wrote: »

Christ on a bike hes right i am a moan. I dont know what i've become since i had the baby. Even looking at my other posts in other threads its all moans and groans

and you as the leader and captain of the kids and house have that sole right.
in my eyes parenting is a 2 man tag team, if there's 2 of you's thats what it should be.
maybe this is how yr time is spent
you get the kids up, feed them clean them, keep them safe and entertained cause they both need 200% attention, maybe take them for walks, meet others round the hood to let them meet other kids and parents.
you have to think of different things to do to keep babies occupied all the time.
you have to do house stuff,
you have to bundle up the kids put them in the car and go shopping,
come home do dinner, naps, changing, deal with the crying for nothing stress no me time, no you time from yr other, relationship is getting more distant.
weather is bad so yr stuck inside alot. and without support or real friends unless your wonder woman you need that tag team to work
now yr fella might do some rediculous hrs but thats a priority that he chooses to keep. he also chooses to miss his kids learning curve, to watch that is real amazing, misses teaching them when they will learn there most stuff that will be needed in life from the age of 0-5 is when I have been constantly told
missing a bond that is needed i think to have a respect later in life that is neither from earning it or taking rather that would be ingraved into your kids from early bonding and good teaching and learning from both sides of the fence.
epsecially needed for a boy from his dad to do dad/ boy stuff. mummy might be the bomb and superhero but she can never be daddy and teach his side of the deal

I feel for you when i know it feels like your the one rowing the boat all alone with 2 in tow, doin it day after day after......

i do them same thing day in and out, them usually round 7ish our son's mama returns from a long day in the office and like most can really do with a break,

i usually go to work then do night shift and come home to do it all again.
our child is nearly 3, just fresh in creche now 1 month cause he needed in my mind to bond with other kids cause if I went to the toilet he wanted to follow, out the back he wants to come, i move he either woke up or was getting up and ready to move.

but anybody try and tell me that i need a break from this, i just dropped life down a gear and go again.
reason is,
that I am never ever ever!!! gonna GET THIS TIME BACK AGAIN.
EVER.
i will do it with 1 child or 6

always thought and always will, if your job, paying for the house what ever takes priority over raising my kids the get a new job, move house, be in life where my #1 is my family's up bringing. i know there's alot to debate but this is me and my way.
a house is stuff.
family is life, sanity, respect, peace

i'm looking after our little one at the moment while mama is away overseas on business, second one this month, i'm a bit on edge but refer back 2 para.

you have every right to b"$%ch and moan when you FEEL you are doing it solo

peace and happiness to you.
hope this day is a good one for you.

Dades

I'm not sure (as one) that too many men subscribe to the idea that "you will never get this time back again", unless you are talking about sleep you could have had.

Men are acutely aware that a child is a lifetime commitment, and possibly don't feel that they are missing anything that won't be surpassed as the years go on.

As a hands-on Dad of a 3 mth old, I can see the different stages of development already, but I can also see why some fathers see a longer term view on child rearing, which coupled with the stress of providing for a family during a recession means they are willing to forego early family time for financial reasons.

Nevyn

Trinity1 wrote: »

Hes not a bad person and i know he loves the baby. I try to drill it into his head, the basic needs, keep him safe and warm, feed him and change his nappy. I will leave written instructions in future.

I had that as well, came home to find the baby in the most horrendous nappy the sitting room reeking of air fresher, child had been that way for over a half hour and was told " Ah sure I knew you were due in and would prolly want to give her a bath".No wonder I went bonkers trying to go back to work full time and do the lions share of minding the kids and all the housework.

88show

Thaedydal wrote: »

I had that as well, came home to find the baby in the most horrendous nappy the sitting room reeking of air fresher, child had been that way for over a half hour and was told " Ah sure I knew you were due in and would prolly want to give her a bath".No wonder I went bonkers trying to go back to work full time and do the lions share of minding the kids and all the housework.

personally I would have started wwIII if that had happened.
put the parent in a dirty pants for that long and see how they feel then.
we are responsible for LOOKING AFTER helpless beings.

Dfens

latchyco wrote: »

It might be a strong indication as to why baby doesnt bond with him as he has with you . If the 8 hrs dad spends with baby is good quality time then baby will get to see that this is something to look foreward to . In my own expierence babys go through stages were they want to be with mum all the time ,then dad ,then mum again but of course if dad is out ,or away working all the time then it wil be slightly harder .Children are very good at adapting over a period to.

Yep, been through that with our toddler, alternates betwwen either all mum or all dad or sometimes both of us are in favour at the same time! We both spend an equal amount of time with her.
I think the amount/quality of time you OH is spending with you son will be much more important from 18 months or so onwards when he's beginning to understand the world around him better.

CDfm

Jaysus -the guy is going out to do eight days of 12 hour shifts.

The pure selfishness of that. I dont know -you have a real oddball there.