Babies bonding with Dads?

Hellrazer

For me I absolutely hate working and missing time with my kids.Its gotten to the stage where we`ve actually discussed me giving up work and my wife going back to work permanently.Or us both getting part-time jobs so that I have more time with the kids.

At the minute I try do as much with them as I possibly can.I get up at around 6.30 with the youngest and give her her bottle and if the second youngest wakes up Ill giver her her breakfast.I leave for work between 715-7.30 and get home at 6.30pm.Once Im home Im on duty.I feed them,bath them and get them to bed.

Weekends is also my time with the kids.I get up on Saturday /Sundays at 8.00 and feed both of them and then spend the rest of the weekend doing as much as I can with them.

With our oldest (11) I was working all the hours under the sun just to pay the mortgage etc and she used to act strange with me when Id come home and at weekends.I swore after that that Id spend every minute I could with them and wasnt letting a job get in the way.

Its the best thing I ever did.Because as someone else said "You dont get that time back"

lostinnappies

You sound like a very strong and hard working mother. I have the biggest respect for single mums ... its a hard job to do with a patner never mind on your own. It does sound like he is working very VERY hard, I was sure there was a legal limit on the number of hours a person could work in one week

Perhaps with the time he has with your ds it would be better to "leave him to it" I know you probably do, but I myself cetch myself "taking over" when little babies are upset. The more your DS realises that he is not going to be rescued by mommy, the more he will relax with daddy. I dont think its a personal thing more just because he doesnt get to see daddy as much he doesnt know what to do or how to feel. Take the time to bring your other little one out (girl/boy) and have a special day with them. Quality time (rather then quantity) is very important.

Dfens

Trinity1 wrote: »

Dont get me wrong in this current climate i am most grateful that he has a job, but hes just told me he has to work 8 days in a row, thats 12 hour shifts. Hes gone from 6.30am - 7.30 pm therefore only seeing baby an hour a night.

You or OH should check on legality of these working hours under Irish employment law, his employer could get fined if he has them working too many hours in the week, also entitled to at least 11 hrs break between shifts.

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1997/en/act/pub/0020/index.html
See sections 11, 12 and 13 for breaks & rest periods.

CDfm

Dfens wrote: »

You or OH should check on legality of these working hours under Irish employment law, his employer could get fined if he has them working too many hours in the week, also entitled to at least 11 hrs break between shifts.

http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/1997/en/act/pub/0020/index.html
See sections 11, 12 and 13 for breaks & rest periods.

I would wait till after Xmas till he gets paid -the money could be handy.

Nevyn

Tbh it's harder with a partner who does not want to or can not due to incompetance pull thier weight when it comes to the kids and the house. The resentment that builds up kills the relationship, trust me I know.

Yes the main earner has to work, yes that is a lot of hours but with it coming up to christmas and with wanting to have money and the expense of this time of year I can understand it and that you will be stressed and tried and feeling trapped and that you are struggling more then if you were doing it alone.

I would suggest getting through the next 8 days the best you can, take it easy yourself, do what is needed, take time do destress once the kids are quiet or a sleep and then have a good sit down and talk about how things are and how things need to be and what you can both do to make that happen.

SpiderPiglet

Our baby is 6.5 months old and I've found that I definitly do the majority of the work, feeding, changing, bathing ect.... in fact OH has changed baby a grand total of two times, and on both occasions the little man peed on him so he gave up.

In saying this though I think my OH does help out, he will help dress him at the weekends and loves to play with him, he also has no problem watching him for me if I want to pop out to my friends.... obviously not for too long or the poor child will be stuck in a wet nappy. :rolleyes:
He will also do the cooking in the evening so I can feed and get the baby ready for bed.

I think men will automatically take the back seat when it comes to babies, but then when the child is older they become much more involved.
I remember when I was a toddler asking my mam who the strange man was who lived in our house ( my dad ) ..... I have a great relationship with my dad now, and as an older child, but at the time he had 2 jobs and my mam did everything for us kids.
It's funny, cause now my dad is a grandfather he's all for playing with the baby and will practically snatch him from me and run. I think he feels he can now experiance what he missed out on when we were kids.

Anyway, I'm rambling, I think that your OH needs to spend as much quality time with the baby as he can, I know he has to work and that's fair enough, but perhaps he could give the baby a bath before bed, and then read to him or something. They can then have their special alone time.

Trinity

CDfm wrote: »

Jaysus -the guy is going out to do eight days of 12 hour shifts.

The pure selfishness of that. I dont know -you have a real oddball there.

I'm trying to find one reply of yours lacking sarcasm. I want real advice and support here. If someone tells me i am being unreasonable i will take it on the chin but iif i wanted to be belittled i'd have posted in thunderdome or spoken to my OH.

Its not about him working 8 days, well it is, but its about his attitude mostly.

He wouldnt bring me to my appointment. I suffer from anxiety and post natal depression. Depression is mild anxiety is rife. I have been working my ass off to get well, really really hard and i have been doing well.

I told him i would have to get a taxi as i couldnt drive and he laughed at me. Laughed right in my face cos i am such a sad cow i was too nervous to drive.

He then sent me 10 to 12 texts one after the other with 2 minute intervals to torment me, while i was trying to hold off a panic attack as i was in town on my own for the first time. I ended up crying in grafton street.

All because i told him 8 days was too mcuh and he should try swap a day to break the week and it was illegal to work those hours. Hes not a doctor nor a garda.

Nevyn

Shít girl you don't need that at all :mad::(

Please tell me you are under the care of a dr and are seeing a counsellor,
cos atm you need all the support you can get and do not need a bulling and unhelpful partner.
Does he even understand what depression is ?

and on both occasions the little man peed on him so he gave up.

How nice it is to have that option.

Trinity

Thaedydal wrote: »

Shít girl you don't need that at all :mad::(

Please tell me you are under the care of a dr and are seeing a counsellor,
cos atm you need all the support you can get and do not need a bulling and unhelpful partner.
Does he even understand what depression is ?



How nice it is to have that option.

No i had a few weeks of sessions with a nurse. I'm supposed to be getting CBT. I told my doctor i was feeling a bit better and was ready to return to work.

My appointment was with the chief medical officer and they have said i have to return to work on Jan 5th.

That will please my OH cos apparently i'm a lazy cnut despite doing all the washing, cooking and cleaning. Hes a super hero cos he comes shopping with me and brought me to the hospital when i cut my eye.

Trinity

I realise the men here are probably rolling their eyes and just to prove i am not all bad see this thread i started not a week ago. And heres me with 2nd hand clothes on, i was gonna get a loan :mad:


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055422620

metrovelvet

No wonder you have anxiety having to live with that.

Nevyn

Trinity1 wrote: »

No i had a few weeks of sessions with a nurse. I'm supposed to be getting CBT. I told my doctor i was feeling a bit better and was ready to return to work.

I still think it would be a good idea.

Trinity1 wrote: »

My appointment was with the chief medical officer and they have said i have to return to work on Jan 5th.

So you need to get your plans, routine and support structures in place for when that happens and you need it to work.

When I went back after my second, I had been on sick leave before maternity leave and for a while afterward due to a back injury I ended up working 50 hour weeks, doing ALL the house work, I mean when I wasn't home if a fork was dropped I had to pick it up and did everything for the kids when I was home and it's no wonder I ended up cracking up.

Trinity1 wrote: »

That will please my OH cos apparently i'm a lazy cnut despite doing all the washing, cooking and cleaning. Hes a super hero cos he comes shopping with me and brought me to the hospital when i cut my eye.

But can he mind the kids, clean and cook for the weekend all by himself ?
Funny that.

Trinity

Thaedydal wrote: »

I still think it would be a good idea.



So you need to get your plans, routine and support structures in place for when that happens and you need it to work.

When I went back after my second, I had been on sick leave before maternity leave and for a while afterward due to a back injury I ended up working 50 hour weeks, doing ALL the house work, I mean when I wasn't home if a fork was dropped I had to pick it up and did everything for the kids when I was home and it's no wonder I ended up cracking up.



But can he mind the kids, clean and cook for the weekend all by himself ?
Funny that.

He cant cook

I've made him out to be horrible and i feel awful now. Going back to work is what i need. I lost all my friends thats why my life is an open book here on boards, you guys are the only people i can bloody talk to

The only reassurance i get that i'm still a nice human being is my feedback on adverts

Apparently i'm very nice ya know :P

lostinnappies

ok, im changing my advice i gave to you..... as is a womans perogative.

Your current fragile state is soooo close to a break down its not funny(even if you dont believe it yourself). Believe me, I have a friend who was in a similar situation to you. PND, anxiety etc, shít husband who did nothing but belittle her and ignore the kids. She had three kids and when the littlest one was 6 months she tried to commit suicide.

She couldnt cope anymore with him and the demands of the children. She believed she SHOULD have been able to cope with it, do the house work, turn the off button on the kids as soon as he came home, feed dress care for the kids. Do all the school runs, shopping and everything else that goes into bringing up children.

Her husband was deliberalty taking long shifts and as many as he could get so he didnt have to deal with it. He would even offer to work on his days off.... he would have slept there if he could.

I dont feel its right for me to say "get the heck outa doge and leave the bastárd" because i dont know your situation(however much I would like to). But here is what I would do if I were in your situation. Feck him. Dont rely on him. If you have family members who are able to help ask them instead. Fill them in on the whole situation however much you dont want to or however much flack you may get from him(wouldnt have to say anything to anyone if he supported you). get your parents/brothers/sisters/cousins who ever to take the kids from you at least twice a week and take that time for you .... not for housework or doing what needs to be done. Your health is more important then trying not to rock the boat. Stand up for yourself and take charge by asking for some help..... heck if I lived nearby id take the kids off your hands (they'd have fun with my two boyz).

Remember by helping yourself any way possable you are providing a stronger happier mommy to your kids and you will be soo proud of yourself for doing the best thing ever.

Please ask for all the support you can and hey if your ever in Galway give us a shout:D

G&T

Hellrazer wrote: »

For me I absolutely hate working and missing time with my kids.Its gotten to the stage where we`ve actually discussed me giving up work and my wife going back to work permanently.Or us both getting part-time jobs so that I have more time with the kids.

At the minute I try do as much with them as I possibly can.I get up at around 6.30 with the youngest and give her her bottle and if the second youngest wakes up Ill giver her her breakfast.I leave for work between 715-7.30 and get home at 6.30pm.Once Im home Im on duty.I feed them,bath them and get them to bed.

Weekends is also my time with the kids.I get up on Saturday /Sundays at 8.00 and feed both of them and then spend the rest of the weekend doing as much as I can with them.

With our oldest (11) I was working all the hours under the sun just to pay
the mortgage etc and she used to act strange with me when Id come home and at weekends.I swore after that that Id spend every minute I could with them and wasnt letting a job get in the way.
Its the best thing I ever did.Because as someone else said "You dont get that time back"

How great for you:mad:

Not once in your post did you offer
a kind word or suggestion.

Blow your own trumpet somewhere else.


Poor op is not getting the help or
support she need's.

I think you need to ignore your partners
relationship with the baby for now.
Your relationship with your oh need attention too
Sound's like ye are not being very kind to each other.
Busy mom at home with kid's
busy dad at work all day,it's alot of peoples reality.

You should try to get yourself well first.
My sister has postnatal dep too and
looking in from the outside she gives her
husband a dog's life.
She claims she is only asking for what's fair
but he has a day's work done then comes
home and is expected to do cleaning,
baby minding and listen to her tell him
how useless he is.
She is focusing all her energy into negative
thing's(the depression i know)
Coupled with your anxiety it must be
very hard for you.

Have you someone who would give you
an hour a day away from the baby?
A friend you could call on for tea and a moan?
I think if you get yourself up on your feet
it will be easier to give your oh a kick in the arse
when needed and let the smaller thing's go.

I hope the cloud's lift for you soon,
and try and find positive thing's to focus on.
Mind over matter and all that jazz.;)

88show

Trinity1 wrote: »

I realise the men here are probably rolling their eyes and just to prove i am not all bad see this thread i started not a week ago. And heres me with 2nd hand clothes on, i was gonna get a loan :mad:


well not here to judge really,
and as a man, who works and is the main carer of our child I can't and will not be rolling my eyes at mums/dads who are staying home to take care of home life.
don't give 2****es what any bad press comes your way if you know that your babies are fed, clean and well taken care of 110% and the bills are paid is what mum told me from a real young age and I have lived that advice always
Sounds like you're trying to be a good person who needs support and who is doing the right and only thing in yr mind in trying to find someone who will hear you

metrovelvet

You know what - I'd leave that guy.

CDfm

Ok Trinity - sorry for the sarcasm. Being a parent is hard and I dont want to belittle your depression either as that is tough. I was sarcastic as you sounded a bit harsh.

As a guy i have some empathy for your partner - as I know what its like to work long anti-social hours.

A guy is a guy and when my eldest was born I felt stupid. When my youngest was born my in-laws made me feel hugely incompetant as a Dad. I didnt have any confidence at it.

I think your OH may feel like this. You have another child and its second time around for you. Like it or not he could feel left out. Two kids and no you.

This time of year you have Xmas. Wouldnt it be an idea to try to make it a special one with Daddy jobs like taking the kids to Santa and buying and decorating a tree.

Have a go and see how you like it.

It sounds like you are getting into blame and that will become a disaster waiting to happen - be less hard on him and yourself.

Ludo

G&T wrote: »

How great for you:mad:

Not once in your post did you offer
a kind word or suggestion.

Blow your own trumpet somewhere else.

That is uncalled for in fairness. The very first line in this thread asks how much time men spend with their children etc.
Unfair to take that attitude with someone who answers the question!

Anyway, as a father I certainly am not rolling my eyes at you OP. I have nothing but respect for stay at home mothers and I fully understand how hard it is and I know it is not something I could ever handle.

metrovelvet

CDfm wrote: »

A guy is a guy and when my eldest was born I felt stupid. When my youngest was born my in-laws made me feel hugely incompetant as a Dad. I didnt have any confidence at it.

I think your OH may feel like this. You have another child and its second time around for you. Like it or not he could feel left out. Two kids and no you.

We all feel stupid. I had my mother making me feel stupid, my son's father not only not helping at all with the child and also doing his best to make me feel stupid and appear crazy to others, so he could get validation for backing out.

Why do the men cry feelings of incompetence to get out of things when the women also feel incompetant but are left feeling incompetant while minding a child on their own?

Trinity

CDfm wrote: »

Ok Trinity - sorry for the sarcasm. Being a parent is hard and I dont want to belittle your depression either as that is tough. I was sarcastic as you sounded a bit harsh.

As a guy i have some empathy for your partner - as I know what its like to work long anti-social hours.

A guy is a guy and when my eldest was born I felt stupid. When my youngest was born my in-laws made me feel hugely incompetant as a Dad. I didnt have any confidence at it.

I think your OH may feel like this. You have another child and its second time around for you. Like it or not he could feel left out. Two kids and no you.

This time of year you have Xmas. Wouldnt it be an idea to try to make it a special one with Daddy jobs like taking the kids to Santa and buying and decorating a tree.

Have a go and see how you like it.

It sounds like you are getting into blame and that will become a disaster waiting to happen - be less hard on him and yourself.

Thank you I appreciate those comments. Yes he has said nothing he ever does is right in my eyes but this is not true.

He takes everything i say as a criticism and twists my words. He told his mother i said he could only stay half an hour with her when what i asked is "how long will you be then about half an hour?" as he had said he was 'flying over' and had to be back for his NCT.

We've done the xmas shopping on his days off, but when we have a row i'm told i want a chaffeur and he brought me x, y and z.

I suppose i have become a little dependant on him, not only as a partner but as a friend. I like when we go shopping together (not clothes shopping now cos i hate that myself!!) and when he comes the doctor with me or for the babies vaccinations etc. It was nice to have someone to take me to the hospital when i had the accident with my eye i'm used to doing a lot of these things on my own. But again its thrown in my face. I thought this is what partners do?

In return he has no housework or cooking chores, no washing up. Never has to worry if he has a clean shirt for work, in fact he leaves his dirty washing on the bedroom floor and i pick them up. Once every couple of months he'll take a figary and clean up i'm not saying he doesnt do anything in fact he tidied up a little today.

He hands over his few bob and he never sees a bill and knows the rent is paid and kids looked after, fed, clothed all out of that. In fact he has very little responsibility, apart from maybe a dependant partner which i do know is draining.

I do things myself when hes not around and i have been trying to drive further a little at a time. He says i get lazy when hes around. He says i should get a job.

When i am "normal", i'm a very independant person. I've raised a son alone for 6 years and worked fulltime at the same time. I feel incompetent every waking moment that i cant snap out of this anxiety. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that i cant drive over a bridge or drive into town on my own. But i do know my kids are very well looked after. I've been doing great with the anxiety and i did actually drive into town and i felt like a bloody hero but sickness and injury set me back the last couple of weeks.

Maybe if i got some friends i would be less of a burden.

88show

if I was you
i'd get yourself some counsel to help both of you's see what is getting built up,
get you some sista's together, have you some you time
surround you with stuff that makes you happy cause we get the notion that there's not much going on.
but really need to share this load with someone b4 you find it's to late 4 you

Trinity

88show wrote: »

if I was you
i'd get yourself some counsel to help both of you's see what is getting built up,
get you some sista's together, have you some you time
surround you with stuff that makes you happy cause we get the notion that there's not much going on.
but really need to share this load with someone b4 you find it's to late 4 you

Its too late for us anyway. I asked him earlier if he wanted to talk calmly and he screamed the house down. When i tried to speak he covered his ears and sang lalalalalalal i'm not listening. I told him to leave if we couldnt discuss it.

He left but came back hours later in a state talking like the exorcist.

Hes gone to the doctor for medication. Said i've given him a nervous breakdown cos i asked him to swap a shift around to break the week up for him. I told him welcome to my world. Except not so mcuh of a disprin has passed my lips as i wont take medication. He gets one bad day of stress and its a breakdown. He was shaking. I did feel sorry for him even though i shake everyday and i'm told its stupid snap out of it.

Said he hated me, to keep away from him and he'd still attend our sons christening on saturday.

I'm a bit stunned as 2 days ago i was wonderful when i told him about the trans am

Of course thats only my side of the story so theres still 2 more, his and the real one.

Trinity

Sorry mods i realise this has turned into a PI.

Feel free to lock i guess my problem is solved now

Nevyn

I could move it to PI if you wish.

Trinity

Thaedydal wrote: »

I could move it to PI if you wish.

No thats ok thanks i think i've said too much already


His mother just rang to let me know the doctor prescribed him valium so hes probably gone off now to tell his family and friends i gave him a nervous breakdown.

So PI is all his now!

My first bf tried to kill me, i can laugh about it now. But Thats what he said to me today, no wonder x tried to kill you. They cant all be wrong i suppose.

littlebug

Jebus Trinity I had no idea when i posted my first reply on this how much much more than the issue about the 8 day work stint it is:(
Trinity anyone can tell from reading your posts on here what a clever, lovely, warm and able person you are so don't you dare call yourself incompetent! Hey when you do that you're insulting the wonderful woman we have all grown to like and respect so stop!
You've had some bad luck with the men in your life that's all.. that doesn't change who you are or make you any less worthy of respect.

// hugs//

CDfm

Take it easy Trinity - get help for your depression. The pressure on any young couple is tough.

It sounds to me that you have both been having a tough time.

Plan for Saturday - but you should not allow others to take over and create problems - because when the audience goes home you are left with life.

Oh - and depression and alcohol dont mix - so avoid it.

Hellrazer

G&T wrote: »

How great for you:mad:

Not once in your post did you offer
a kind word or suggestion.

Blow your own trumpet somewhere else.

Sorry mods but I had to respond to this.

The original post in this thread asked :

Trinity1 wrote: »

I'm wondering if the Dads in here are close to their babies? How much time do you spend with them?

Thats what I was responding to.If I didnt pick up on what advice the OP was looking for then I apologise to the OP.

But I do think G&T`s comment is way out of line and could be taken as a personal attack.

CDfm

Trinity1 - my sincere apologies.

Depression affects those around you and your OH could have "caught" your post natal depression.

You might wish to take Thaetydals offer and move this to PI.

I would.