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Thursday Quickums

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  • 27-11-2008 3:31pm
    #1
    rocky25
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,521 ✭✭✭


    Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne.

    One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

    Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

    Jim says, 'me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

    You wanna try it?'

    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

    The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

    In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

    Nothing!

    Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, '

    Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

    Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

    Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

    Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing.

    We ought to do this more often.'

    ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

    'What's that?'

    'Have you farted yet?'

    'No.'

    'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.

    When asked what the problem was,

    the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every
    problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

    She went on & on and on:

    neglect,

    lack of intimacy,

    emptiness,

    loneliness,

    feeling unloved & unlovable,

    an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,

    walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand up,

    embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

    The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said,

    'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.

    Can you do that?'

    The husband thought for a moment and replied,

    'Well,

    I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

    One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

    Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

    Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

    Not willing to let her grandma know the truth,

    Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

    'Why, that's awfully nice of them.

    I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

    A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes.

    When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed,

    'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

    Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear.

    I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

    The policeman fainted.


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